Everything Stays
by gingerinthesequel
Summary: Lily would do just about anything to prove Petunia wrong, and James would do just about anything for Lily. When she asks him to be her fake boyfriend, James can't pass up his chance to be her Prince Charming in more ways than one.
1. Holy Ground

**Chapter One: Holy Ground**

"_I guess we fell apart in the usual way, and the story's got dust on every page."_

Only Petunia would find a way to spoil Christmas Eve.

"Try not to embarrass us at dinner, freak." Petunia sneers from her doorway across the hall.

Lily doesn't care that their mother can hear her yell. "You do that just fine on your own!"

Ignoring a call from downstairs, Lily sharply closes the door to her room - not quite slamming, because that would be enough to make their mother respond more actively - before Petunia can do it as the last word. She leans against the wood for a few seconds, trying to tame her flaring temper. Her heart is racing and hands shake in a way only her sister can inspire.

She closes her eyes and counts to ten, trying to regain control of her thrumming heartbeat, but everything is still the same when she opens her eyes. The same pale pink walls she's had her entire life. The same infuriating sister in the other room. The same desire to sink into a life where a battle doesn't happen so regularly in her house.

Winter break feels like an eternity.

Unlike most high school seniors, Lily Evans can't wait to be back in school. There, she doesn't have an older sister hanging over her shoulder, waiting and successfully finding every place to strike. There, she knows her place and comfortably slides into it, free in the moments where people don't notice her.

A few days of being stuck in the house has ruined some of her usually neat habits. Homework assignments are scattered across her desk, lines of incomplete equations and diagrams. She looks past the messy pile of sweaters on her bed and crumpled sticky notes to her window. Her curtains are pulled back from that morning, when she nearly jumped out of bed to see the snow. In the house next door, a light is on in the bedroom directly across from hers.

For the first time all day, the tension in her shoulders loosens and she knows what to do.

She crosses the room to her desk and rifles through the top drawer. Lily scribbles a few words onto a sheet of torn notebook paper with a Sharpie and sticks it to the window with a piece of tape, the message facing toward the other house's lit bedroom window.

_Did your mom make the cookies I like?_

To stop herself from expecting a reply, she turns away and assesses the pile of sweaters on her bed. None of them passed her earlier inspection, so she still needs to find something to wear.

After a few minutes of forcing herself to fold clothes and stack them neatly in her closet, Lily lets herself turn back to the window. The paper on the window makes her drop the sweater she's holding and almost press her nose against the glass to see better. He's already gone by the time she looks, but the words are visible enough from across the space between their houses.

_She did. Doubt there will be any left by the time dinner rolls around._

Instantly, Lily tears down her old note and reaches for a new sheet of paper. Before she can start her response, Petunia yells something she can hear through her closed door. It's muffled, and Lily doesn't bother yelling back to figure out what she said. This is more important.

Determined, Lily tears off a piece of tape with a flourish and puts up her reply.

_Then it's not worth it. Tell your mom I died in a tragic accident._

This time, she doesn't even bother trying to busy herself. She sits on her bed, just out of sight, so he doesn't see that she's waiting for his reply. The response comes quickly, she notices, since she can see his outline moving from her perch.

_Come now, Evans. Surely the cookies aren't the only reason to come over?_

In spite of herself, Lily smiles a bit. The sign is a nice reminder that she won't be completely alone at dinner. Her sister wants to make things difficult, but someone will silently be in her corner. He doesn't have to know how much she's looking forward to it, but he does have to know that the problem isn't with his house.

_It's the only reason I'll sit at the table with Miss Prom Princess._

Lily pulls the new festive sweater she found at her favorite thrift store from her closet and throws it on her bed. While she tugs her regular shirt from a boring day at home over her head, she searches her room for everything else she needs. She glances toward the other window while she tries to put in an earring without a mirror.

_How dare you. You know that was the proudest moment of her life. _

With her boots in one hand, Lily shakes her head and scrawls out the next sign.

_Not you too._

When she's dressed, another sign is already waiting for her.

_Always me, Evans. Mom is calling. See you later!_

Suddenly, she's reminded of the past few years and how things change. This game is familiar since it's one they've been playing since they can both remember, but it isn't the same.

Nothing is.

Without an immediate reply in her head, her marker hesitates over the paper for a few seconds. Petunia makes another sound in the room across the hall, and Lily writes a final message.

_You better save me a cookie, Potter!_

Without another look back, she checks her mirror one last time and goes downstairs.

* * *

The hardest part about the Potter-Evans annual Christmas Eve dinner isn't the fact that James is forced to hang three extra stockings, filling them with small lotions and soaps as though he's Saint Nick himself while Sirius tosses them at his head.

It isn't the fact that his mother is in full combat mode against the small bits of dust that hide under crevasses - which don't seem to matter any _other_ time of the year - for the entirety of the day, forcing him to enlist alongside her and shouting at him for not using the Swiffer in enough of a pivoting motion. His father, meanwhile, gets to avoid the dinner preparations every year since he's working his shift at the hospital. Granted, he also misses out on the meal, _but still. _

It isn't even the fact that he has to pathetically bake Lily a batch of her favorite cookies, and then pretend they're from his mother, because he doesn't _want _to be seen as pathetic.

It's the fact that he's in _love._

Impossibly, incredibly, head-over-heels-over-feet-and-back-again, sort of love.

With Lily Evans.

And she doesn't know it.

"You missed a spot," says Sirius. He's lazing about on the sofa, watching the old claymation Jack Frost while James is rearranging his mother's Christmas village on the fireplace mantle that his supposed best friend wrecked. "Get out of the way, will you?"

"Look, it's not my fault that the television is stupidly placed above the fireplace and I'm ungodly feet high," grumbles James, clutching a little fireman and his dog so tightly he's surprised they don't shatter. "You _know _the fireman doesn't go in the cafe. He goes in the fire station, because he's on duty. He's got his little outfit on and everything."

"Jesus, get your knickers out of a twist. He needed a coffee break."

"He just got to work! There's coffee in the station!"

"Do you hear yourself?" laughs Sirius, one arm propped underneath his head in such an easy fashion that James wants to flip the couch. "It's your mother's Christmas village. It's not like I replaced baby Jesus with Bart Simpson again."

James whips his head around, spotting his mother's nativity scene and noticing that it is indeed in perfect condition. Which is almost suspicious.

James sighs. "No, I suppose you haven't."

"Not yet, anyway. Listen, I know that you're all in a tizzy because Evans is coming over later. But, honestly, she's not going to care that the fireman is at the cafe or the mailman is hooking up with a Christmas caroler behind the barn."

"He _\- what?"_

"Your town needs more red headed children," yawns Sirius, stretching out on the couch. "Anyway, Evans isn't going to care. So why do you?"

"Because everything has to be perfect."

"Everything in the house has to be perfect? Or _you _have to be perfect?"

James can't explain to Sirius how much Christmas means to Lily and, therefore, how much Christmas means to him.

Because, there again, is where he is pathetic.

But he can't help it. He _loves _Lily. And Lily loves Christmas. So James throws himself into making the house look like a winter wonderland for her every Christmas season.

Maybe, just maybe, if everything is perfect, she'll think that way of him too.

_Pathetic, _he thinks to himself. _Perfectly pathetic._

"The mailman doesn't need a mistress," he grumbles aloud, snatching the couple that's standing face to face hidden behind the barn. "He's married to the bookshop owner."

* * *

No matter what else is going on, Lily looks forward to their annual trek to the Potters for Christmas Eve dinner. For a past few years, she let her sister think it was another chore, but that was only to keep her from finding a way to twist it. Once school lets out for break, Lily allows herself to start counting down until the minute they knock at the house next door.

The Potters' house, she decided a long time ago, is what Christmas is supposed to be.

It looks, she swears, like one of those houses they put in glossy magazines. It isn't structurally that much different from hers, but that doesn't matter. It's not the house itself, really, but the people and things she finds inside it.

Unlike her house, everything feels complete and intentional. It's a home with everything just so. Things have their place while still looking like people live there comfortably. The Evans' house always feels a little over-full and empty at the same time. The Potter house, on the other hand, has all the right things in all the right places.

The lights, even though they're the same ones that she convinced her mother to buy at the store, give the illusion of magic. While she doesn't mind having a fake tree most of the time, Lily can't deny that the real one makes the whole house smell like pine and wonder and _Christmas_.

Mrs. Potter even hangs up a stocking for her, right beside the ones for Mom and Petunia. There's cookies, a much more elaborate meal than anything they ever have in their house, and everything just feels _right_.

And then there's James.

She's still stung from sparring with Petunia, but Lily makes it downstairs a few minutes early to check on her own contribution to dinner. She carefully places the iced cake into a container with a clear lid that lets her worriedly check it every time she moves.

Then, she's hurrying them out the door and hoping she isn't too obvious.

Before she knocks, Lily's mother reminds both of her daughters to tuck away their phones (though Petunia is the only one looking at hers) and smooths out a few non-existent wrinkles in her skirt. Her mother holds the cake, so Lily stops herself from reminding her not to tip it. Instead, she shifts her weight between her feet and watches the little window by the door.

When the door opens, any lingering worries about the over-the-top spirit of her fabric antlers from the dollar store or Christmas sweater are completely gone.

James is standing in the doorway with a curled elf hat and his mussed hair sticking out in every direction. His flushed cheeks tell her that Mrs. Potter has put him to work all day in preparation.

How can anyone look at him in that ridiculous hat and not smile?

Her smile falters slightly when Lily notices the bespectacled deer on his chest that's just similar enough to the sweater she picked for the occasion. She stops herself from noticeably looking down at the sliver of sweater that can be seen between the open sides of her coat.

He won't think she planned that, will he?

A noise behind her tells Lily that Petunia _definitely_ notices James' sweater.

Ignoring her sister, Lily makes eye contact and lets out a nervous laugh. "Hey," she says before anyone else in her family can say something embarrassing. No matter what else has happened, walking into the house and seeing him loosens one of the knots in her stomach. "Nice hat."

"Thanks," he says, voice cracking slightly. Lily isn't sure if the word got stuck in his throat or if he had been waiting to say _anything. _He tends to talk a lot. Too fast and too much at times. "Nice antlers, by the way."

He's far too cute for someone who looks so silly.

"Embracing the holiday spirit," Lily answers, tilting her chin up in an exaggerated show of pride. She flips the ends of her hair and lets them fall at her shoulders. "I always think -"

"_God, _Lily," groans Petunia dramatically. Petunia has a flare for dramatics. She literally majors in it at the local community college. "It's _cold. _Stop blocking the door and let us inside."

Lily barely has enough time to move out of the way before Petunia is stomping through the door, knocking Lily into the doorframe. The snow that clings to her Ugg boots crunches along the Potters' polished floor.

"Right," Lily says under her breath, reaching up to straighten the crooked headband of her antlers. "The long trip from _next door_."

"Does your mother need any help, James?" her own mother cuts across them, sweeping past Lily and opting for her increasingly common strategy of avoiding any trace of conflict between her daughters.

"She's just got a pie in the oven, but if you go in the kitchen she's likely to put on her happy mom face and start barking orders," grins James.

"Perfect." Her mother nods. "Be good, girls," she says, patting Petunia's shoulder as she passes into the kitchen with Lily's cake.

Lily's relieved to have one less person in the room, even if she's annoyed at the implication that Petunia's behavior is somewhat her fault. Her breathing evens out a bit when she looks around the room and finds her stocking in its usual place. "Mrs. Potter still knows how to go all out," she comments, folding her coat over her arm.

"Yeah, well, you know Mom," says James, reaching up to run a hand through his hair and knocking his hat off. The little bells jingle as they hit the ground, and James quickly moves to grab it. "Presentation is important to her."

She can't lie to him, even if that's the cool thing to do. "I love it."

"Did you guys _plan _to match?" asks Petunia so harshly they both jump. She's fixing her hair in the Potters' hallway mirror, but Lily can see the corner of her sister's eye trained on her for a reaction. "Or did the universe just decide that you two ought to share a fetish for reindeer?"

It's probably what Petunia wants, but Lily feels heat race to her cheeks. "It's just a sweater, _Tuney_," she answers, hoping she comes off as dismissive as she's trying to be. She looks at her sister's left hand for a few seconds too long and then back up to her face, clearly noting what isn't there. Despite Petunia's best efforts, she's sure. "Not an engagement ring."

Lily's volley hits its target.

Petunia whirls around, her features worked into a snarl. She'll have snarl lines one day, Lily suspects, rather than frown lines. "Don't even start on that with me, Lily. Vernon and I haven't even _talked _about getting engaged yet. But, trust me, it _will_ happen and it will be one more thing that I have and you don't."

Unlike Petunia's previous barbs, this one gives her a burst of strength. The world narrows to her sister and the overwhelming desire to win. "I'd rather die alone than marry _Vernon Dursley_."

"Oh, believe me, you're not too far away from that path. Tell me, when is the last time you've been on an actual _date?"_

In her Petunia-fueled state, Lily barely notices Sirius enter. "As if I'd ever want to -"

"Clearly I've just walked in on the middle of something," Sirius says, mirth shimmering in his eyes. Sirius _loves _drama. At least, he used to, from what Lily remembers from middle school. "I just came to tell you guys that dinner was ready. So save your show for then, yeah? I love dinner theater."

"Sirius," groans James, smashing his elf hat down in frustration. "For the love of God, _not now!"_

"Timing is everything, and my timing has always a bitch," says Sirius, before saluting the lot of them and disappearing back into the kitchen.

Petunia rolls her eyes, stalking out after him and taking with her an unresolved argument that Lily desperately wants to win.

Though, she's not sure how to do that yet.

Lily lets out a frustrated sigh, almost knocking the antlers out of her hair when she runs her hands through it. Christmas Eve dinner with the Potters is the bright spot in her break, but Petunia is doing her best to dull its shine.

A few seconds tick by while Lily tries to temper her anger. It's still there on the edge, but she can think about other things. How she doesn't want to ruin Mrs. Potter's idea of her. How Mom will lose it if she actually has to acknowledge that there's something more than sibling rivalry going on between her daughters. How this is supposed to be a good evening.

She looks over and notices James, his back against the wall and eyes a little wide. This time, the color stays on her cheeks for a different reason. "Sorry you had to…" She makes a vague hand gesture toward the direction where Petunia just disappeared. "It's a sister thing."

"It's fine, really," he says. James takes half a step towards her, though he's so tall that his half step is more like two of Lily's full steps. She has to look up slightly at him. "Are you alright, though?"

"Of course," she answers immediately, shrugging and forcing one side of her mouth into a half-smile. She's not going to ruin his Christmas Eve. "It's fine." Lily tilts her head toward the dining room. "Let's go. Don't want your Mom's dinner to get cold."

* * *

Things are not going according to plan.

Not that James has actually _made_ a plan. There certainly isn't a detailed, idiot proof, ten step plan in the notes section of his phone. Because _that _would be ridiculous and something Sirius would surely heckle him mercilessly about if he ever managed to get ahold of said phone.

But if there _is _a plan and step one just so happened to be _say something swoon worthy when you first see her, _then he has miserably, wretchedly failed.

Because he hasn't really said _anything _to her. The moment he opened the door and saw her standing there in a sweater nearly matching his own and a pair of antlers on top of her head, he was fairly certain _he_ swooned.

And if it couldn't get any worse (and if there is anything James has learned in all his years dealing with the Evans women, it's that things can most definitely get worse), Petunia noticed him noticing Lily. Smirking at him from behind Lily's back when they got into the hallway in a way that made him feel as though he were sinking into the ground.

She has a smirk like quicksand, Petunia does.

From there on, James was overly conscious of every step he made around Lily, because every movement was being watched by Petunia like a hawk.

The final straw, the catalyst of once again ruining a perfectly good evening with Lily Evans, comes in the form it normally takes.

Once again, _Petunia. _

Honestly, James wouldn't be able to see how Petunia Evans could _possibly _be related to Lily if it wasn't for the fact that they're both extremely hot headed and quick tempered. At least when it comes to each other.

"Did Lily tell you that her proposal for the yearbook theme got rejected, James?" asks Petunia, ripping a small portion of dinner roll off and placing it in her smirking mouth.

"They picked Mary's because it's brilliant. She deserves it," Lily counters quickly, ripping her dinner roll in half and unconsciously mirroring Petunia when she takes a bite.

"That's alright," says James. He wishes that Petunia wouldn't do this. "You'll still get to go to my games this year, right? I always thought you had a better eye than any other photographer on staff."

"You didn't tell me you were going out for editor, Lily," Mrs. Evans adds, attention turned to her youngest daughter with the suggestion of disapproval in her voice.

"It's fine," Lily dismisses her mother's comment, looking over the table at him and no one else. "Yes, James, I'll still be at all the games. I'm sports editor this year."

"Oh, that's lovely, Lily!" His mother has beaten him the punch, but he's a bit thankful. His initial reaction to her being made sports editor was nearly a squeal. "You'll probably be at _all_ of James' games then, as editor. We'll get to be bench buddies!"

"_Mom!" _groans James, playing the part of embarrassed son, even though he's slightly thrilled at his mom's suggestion.

"I'll have to sneak away to take pictures," Lily replies, turning her smile toward his mother. "But I'd love that, Mrs. Potter."

"Mia's recruiting for the fan club," Sirius comments right before taking a too large mouthful of mashed potatoes.

"Yes," says Petunia, looking at Sirius in disgust and wrinkling her nose. "Well, not that James really _needs _much a fan club support, though, does he? He's quite popular enough at school as it is."

James, feeling the heat creep up, rubs the back of his neck. "I'm not _that _popular -"

"Come now," says Petunia. "Don't be modest. I went to school with you guys last year. It's not like you and Lily tend to run in the same social circles. We hardly saw you since you started playing sports, you know."

"Whatever you're getting at, Petunia, can you -"

"I'm sure she didn't mean anything, Lily dear," her mother interjects. "Can you pass the cranberry sauce?"

Pushing the sauce toward her mother stiffly, Lily tries again. "She knows exactly what she's doing."

"And what is it, exactly, that you think I'm 'getting at?'" glares Petunia. She voices it as a question but presents it as a dare.

And James knows Lily - or knew her well enough before, once upon a time - to know that she isn't one to turn down a dare. Although James is a clever boy, he does not think he's well versed enough in the ways of women to properly interject. So, instead, he braces himself for the eruption.

"You were so _popular _and your freak sister can't do anything right, so you need everyone to know how different and weird you know she is!" Lily snaps back.

"Lily, your sister isn't -" her mother tries to add, but Lily doesn't give her a chance.

"Better make sure no one could _possibly _think you're anything like her!"

"Lily," retorts Petunia, speaking as though she's addressing a child. "We _are _different. We couldn't be _more _different. You can look at our closets and tell that. My skirts verses your t-shirts. My heels and your sneakers. Not to mention the fact that you're on yearbook committee, and I was runner up for Prom Queen_._ It's not my fault your differences keep your circle smaller than mine."

"Runner up for Prom Queen," Lily says, judgment clear in her tone, "also known as the Prom _Loser_, is the most impressive thing you're ever going to do in your pathetic life!"

"Lily!"

Ignoring her mother's outcry, Lily pushes away from the table and stands. Once she's up, anger still visibly coursing through her, she looks too agitated to sit back down and act like nothing happened.

"I need some air," she declares after a heavy pause. "Excuse me, Mrs. Potter." With that, she turns on her heel and goes into the kitchen to slip out the backdoor.

The ringing silence in the dining room breaks when Sirius starts a slow clap.

"Bravo," he cheers. "Encore!"

"Shut up, Sirius," James says instantly, throwing down his dinner napkin with a glare in his best friend's direction.

* * *

Lily thought maybe, just maybe, getting away from Petunia's triumphant expression and Mom's excuses would make her feel better. Getting some distance from them would let her breathe and decide if she overreacted.

Unfortunately, the cold air does little to clear her head. Everything is just as jumbled as it was when Petunia was sitting next to her.

And, in the true fashion of a good storming out, she didn't grab a coat.

Instead of feeling better, she's shivering as well as sniffling on the middle swing of the old play set in the Potters' backyard. Stubbornly, she scrubs her sweater sleeve over her face. She should know enough by now not to cry when Petunia tries to upset her. Even though her sister can't see, she doesn't want to give her the satisfaction.

"Hey," says a voice, startling Lily. James has followed her out of the house, wearing a letterman jacket that makes his Christmas attire appear out of place. "You look cold."

As if on cue, a chill goes through her and she hugs herself. "A bit," she answers, forcing a note of casualness into her tone.

"Here, take this," he says, shrugging his jacket off and draping it across her shoulders. Lily pulls it closer around her as he sits down on the swing next to her, noticing that it smells like peppermint and _James_.

"Now you're cold," Lily replies, although she makes no move to him give him back his jacket. She slips her arms into the sleeves. "Did they send you out to convince me to come back in for dessert?"

"No, they didn't. I came out here on my own. Are you alright?"

She looks sideways at him. "I'm fine." Even though she has said it a thousand times, this time, her voice catches. "You don't need to freeze because of me."

"_I'm _fine," he says, though he's rubbing his bare hands together. "You, though, Lily, you're not. I know we're not as… _close _as we used to be, but I still know you well enough to know that what Petunia said in there hurt you."

Lily pulls the sleeves of her sweater out from under his jacket and over her hands. "Here," she offers, avoiding the point for a few seconds and moving to hold his bare hands between her sweater-covered ones. She takes it as an excuse to look at his hands instead of his eyes.

"Thanks," he says, his voice barely there. She would wonder if he even spoke at all but for the puffs of breath she can see leaving his lips.

"I should be used to it by now, shouldn't I? None of what she said is _news _to me."

He clears his throat before he speaks. "You shouldn't _have _to be used to it, though. She shouldn't speak that way to you at all. Every word out her mouth is meant to tear you down."

They're both older than the last time they sat side by side on these swings, but she recognizes traces of an expression that she used to know as well as her own. "Thanks, James." She swallows before trusting herself to speak again. "I guess... it's nice to hear someone else say it."

They're silent for a moment, the only sounds between them being the chains from the swings groaning in unison and Lily's sniffles.

"I just think," he says slowly, "that you're so much _more _than whatever box she's trying to put you into. And I hope that you know that. So what if you aren't Prom Queen or Prom Princess or _whatever _the hell it is? At least you're not a shitty person."

"It's nice to hear you say that too." She tries to inject some lightness into her voice because his words cause a warm glow in her chest. Lily nudges the ground with the toe of her boot. "You're pretty good at this," she admits, squeezing his hands between hers.

Maybe some part of her should want to defend her sister, but it's easy to push away that urge.

"Nah," he says, shrugging. "I just know when someone is being a terrible person. Which your sister always is."

"I'll have to make it up to you," she replies, gaze lifting to the hair sticking out from the bottom of his hat instead of his eyes. "This was a pretty bad way to spend Christmas Eve."

"It wasn't all bad," says James. He hasn't moved his hand from between hers, and Lily can feel the largeness of it as she stretches her fingers to keep the blood flowing. "I got out of doing dishes, after all."

He grins at her, and Lily laughs again. This one, she's happy to notice, sounds more like her usual laughter. "Anything I can do to help." Meeting his eyes is easier this time. His grin makes him look more like James Potter, her next door neighbor, and less like James Potter, the star of two school sports teams.

"We should do this more," Lily offers. "Well, maybe without me yelling at my sister first, but…" She shrugs. "We should talk more."

"I know," he nods, the little bells on his hat jingling with the motion. "I miss it. Us." He rubs the back of his neck in a way that would look awkward on any other person.

But he's _not _any other person. He's James_. _

"Petunia was wrong, you know," he says, after a moment passes without either of them speaking. "Well, about a lot, but specifically about us being in too… different_. _My circle has enough room in it for you."

Her heart speeds up in a way she isn't willing to give meaning. The cold air, at least, keeps her from doing something embarrassing like blushing. "Then, it's a deal," Lily says, impressed with how smooth the sentence sounds. "We'll widen our circles a bit and not have to miss someone who lives next door."

"Deal."

There's another brief period of quiet, but her sniffles don't fill it this time.

"Do you think you're ready to go back in, or do you need another moment? You're not too cold, are you?"

His jacket on her shoulders is fending off the cold better than she would have thought from looking at it. She doesn't think it's just the jacket keeping her warm, though. "No, it's okay," she replies, the kindled fire in her chest only getting stronger. She doesn't tell him that part. "Being out here is making me feel better."

"Excellent." He's got that glint in his eye, the one she used to see everyday. "Luckily for us, I prepared for this. Check my pockets."

She tries not to notice how her hands feel colder when they leave his to do as he says. When she smiles because her fingers close around a sealed bag in the pocket of his letterman jacket, he rocks his swing side to side slightly, bumping shoulders with her and giving her his trademark half-smirk.

"I'd call you a genius, Potter," Lily says, holding out the cookies to him, "but I don't think your ego needs the boost." She breaks off a piece for herself and tastes it, instantly remembering why Mrs. Potter's cookies are impossible to replicate. She does, thankfully, keep herself from audibly reacting.

"My ego could _always _use a boost, Evans," he says, his mouth half full of cookie. "I'm surprised this old thing has held up for so long." He leans back on his swing, his hat nearly slipping back in the process, and allows the chains to twist around.

"It's reliable," she answers, pushing back on her swing to hear the chains creak. "Took us on plenty of adventures." Dragging her feet on the ground, she turns to face him again, mischief in her eyes. "Bet I can still swing higher than you," Lily challenges.

Before he has a chance to pull ahead with his longer legs, she kicks off the ground.

* * *

Back in her room, a little windswept and rosy cheeked, Lily falls back onto her bed with a sigh.

It wasn't the Christmas Eve dinner she outlined in her head. She left half the food on her plate and missed dessert (except for a few cookies, thanks to James). She didn't take her customary tour of the house's decorations. Mrs. Potter's gift stocking is still unopened.

Despite all of that, it may be the best Christmas Eve dinner ever.

When they came inside, Petunia was surprisingly easy to avoid. In the flurry of finding everyone's coat, saying thank you, and wishing a round of Merry Christmases, they could ignore each other without much notice. Mom was happy to oblige and didn't press when they got home. Lily darted up the stairs with little more than a kiss on her cheek.

Storming out of dinner wasn't ideal, but something good _did_ happen.

She got James back.

Well, he wasn't lost, exactly, but tonight was different than any other time they've talked in the past few years.

Lily covers her face with her hands, noticing how cold the tip of her nose is.

It's pathetic, really. They talked and laughed and swung on a play set that's a few years younger than them. It wasn't a _date_. They barely ate dinner, didn't have a plan, and, of course, he didn't kiss her goodnight.

Not that she even wanted him to do that.

So, why does she feel so giddy?

It must be the Christmas spirit getting to her. Watching too many Hallmark movies has gone to her head. Everything is more magical around Christmas, so it could be the general spirit that's causing the warm feeling in her chest.

She has to go to sleep before the magic wears off. Lily shifts on her bed and realizes what she should have noticed the minute she walked into her house.

James' letterman jacket is still over her shoulders.

Lily scrambles up, automatically pulling the jacket more tightly around her.

Did anyone notice?

They asked suspiciously few questions about what James and Lily did outside, now that she's thinking about it. Even Sirius didn't say much to her, and he loves every chance to gloat and stir up potential drama.

Did their families see them alone and come to some kind of conclusion?

What does Petunia think?

She knows some of what Petunia must think. James is so popular, so honored in the halls of their school. Someone like Lily, with her smaller circle, debate trophies, and yearbook spreads, couldn't be friends with someone like James, who has his state championships and photos throughout the yearbook.

Petunia doesn't know anything.

Just that night, James said his circle has enough room for her in it. He had that sincere look when he said it, the one from when he swore vows and made promises, so she knows that he means it. He could have easily brushed her aside with a vague suggestion, but he didn't.

He _wants _to be her friend.

Plus, Lily is the one with a letterman jacket from the high school quarterback while Petunia can't talk a ring out of Vernon.

Even so, being friends with James won't be quite enough to get Petunia's blood boiling. It would prove her wrong, sure, but there isn't much power in it. They'll have to go a step farther. They'll have to _be _a step farther.

The thought strikes her. Would it really be so hard to believe that someone like James Potter could want to date someone like Lily Evans?

Taking the names away and removing herself from the situation, it sounds logical enough. If she saw a girl spend the whole evening with a boy and come back inside with his jacket, she would believe it.

Of course, he doesn't actually like her that way, Lily reminds herself. That doesn't matter, though, since she doesn't like him that way either. Obviously. Petunia only has to _think_ they like each other like that for the skeleton of a plan she's forming in her head to work.

Besides, in a few months, they'll be packing up for college and getting out of their town. It doesn't have to mean anything. For the last few months, this can be a great excuse to spend more time together and bother Petunia in the process. She can get under Petunia's skin in time to have the dramatic ride into the sunset that comes with a fancy admissions letter.

Then, something that would bug Petunia even more than watching her sad sister date the school sports star tickles her mind until it worms its way into the idea.

She could beat Petunia at her own game. She could win the thing that escaped her sister. Petunia may rest on the laurels of her high school popularity and gossip trading, but Lily has a secret weapon.

James.

Couples always do better in the running. With James, she wouldn't need to settle for runner up. Who wouldn't want to vote for him? With him as a running mate, she would have an actual shot at winning. Combining votes from across high school social groups could ensure something Petunia couldn't do.

Lily could be Prom Queen.

She nearly gasps aloud when she sees it all in her head. It could work. She knows it could.

Holding James' hand at the table would annoy her sister, but Lily can imagine Petunia's expression when she gets to take home a crown that's better than the treasured tiara sitting on Petunia's vanity.

Right then, she's tempted to find a way to tell James everything. She glances at the window, seeing his light still on, and has her phone in her hand. She opens the messaging app, her thumbs hovering over the keyboard.

Then, she pauses and puts the phone down.

It's better to explain it all at once. Tomorrow morning, she'll catch him before he has a chance to accidentally say anything to his parents or Sirius. She'll let him know her brilliant plan, and he'll have to agree. She remembers how much he loved planning pranks and jokes when they staged master plans in their backyards. It's exactly the kind of plan that he would love.

Even if he doesn't know about it yet, she can still be setting them up strategically.

A few seconds later, Lily caps her Sharpie and tapes the sign to the glass before turning out the lights and curling up under the covers, the sleeve of his jacket still held in one hand.

_Good night!_ the note facing his window says in curving scrawl before ending with a hastily drawn heart.

* * *

The vast majority of James' morning has been spent with his mind preoccupied by the heart drawn on Lily's last note from the previous night. He couldn't manage to tear his thoughts from it during Christmas morning presents, and he _always _gives his Christmas loot his full attention.

It's just a heart. Something simple and quickly drawn, but he wonders if there's something behind it all. Some sort of hidden meaning in the way that the lines loop and curl.

Lily has never signed her notes with hearts before. Normally, her notes were some sort of dig at him, - _nice hair, Potter, bit windy is it? - _so there must be a cause for this sudden signature change.

Maybe - just maybe - she's starting to develop something other than mild annoyance for him.

Not that's she's ever said that she finds him annoying, but she must. Nearly everyone else does. His mother tells him that he's annoying her at least six times a week. But, mostly, that's due to his pranking of her.

Lily used to find him endearing. She would laugh with him and whatever joke they were on about rather than _at _him. He used to be more charming whenever he was around her, something that he hopes to find his way back to again before the end of their senior year where they will part for college.

He doesn't want to go to college and be Lily's old, slightly annoying neighbor.

He wants to be her boyfriend.

Though, he will happily settle for a boy that is a friend.

Like he was before _everything._

But still, there is that bit in him that pines for her in a way he has never been quite able to squash. That bit that says, while friendship with Lily Evans is something he does desire, it's not everything that he wants when it comes to her.

He feels as though a clock is ticking somewhere in the background of his mind. Waiting to chime at the last possible moment that he has to woo her. That this is his last possible chance.

Or, perhaps, he's an overly analytical idiot. Which is something else his mother has called him.

"James," drifts his mother's voice from the kitchen, causing his teeth to grind. "I need you to take this trash out, please!"

James wants to grumble that Christmas shouldn't be about cleaning the house and taking the trash out. It should be spent opening presents and thinking about Lily Evans. But he knows his mother well enough to know that she'll give him one of her forty five minute speeches over how she never asks him for anything and how her own mother would turn over in her grave if she witnessed what an ungrateful son her daughter is raising.

So, instead, he grabs the trash from his mother and trudges outside. The ground is packed with freshly fallen snow, something he hopes his mother hasn't noticed or she'll ask him to shovel the sidewalk as well, and he shivers against the chill of the air.

It's colder than it was last night, but James can't bring himself to mind that he let Lily wear his letterman jacket home. No one else seemed to notice - he isn't even sure if Lily herself noticed she was still wearing it when she left - but he did.

He always notices when it comes to Lily.

His mind is drifting, wandering to visions of Lily grinning at him while wearing his coat, and he's certain his cheeks are tinted pink though not from the cold. He's so far in his own mind that he doesn't notice the set of fresh footprints in the snow until he's right up on them, and then he's so distracted by them that he is completely caught off guard when someone jumps out at him from behind his trash can.

"James!"

Lily is actually standing in front of him and isn't just an image in his mind. With her pink cheeks and loose hair under a winter cap, she looks a little wild. She's wearing his letterman jacket over her pajamas, the sheer bulk of it nearly swallowing her.

But, of course, he notices all of that only _after _he lets out a high pitched scream that causes several birds in a nearby tree to scatter.

"Jesus Christ, Evans!" he hisses, clutching at his chest and stumbling into the trash can. "You scared the absolute _shit _out of me!"

"Oh my God, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to scare you."

"It's alright," he says, his heart still pounding wildly. He's not sure anymore that it's just from the scare. "Just… don't tell anyone that I screamed like _that."_

"Okay," she agrees, grinning. "Marauder's Promise." Lily offers her pinky to him and attempts to temper her grin with a more serious expression. She doesn't quite succeed.

James raises his eyebrows, looking down at her outstretched pinky as though she's offering him gold rather than a simple pinky swear. They haven't made a Marauder's Promise in _years._ He links his pinky around hers as though they're ten again, trying not to feel overly _swooned _about the whole thing.

His pinky is much larger than it was when he was in middle school, but it still curves around Lily's own on instinct.

"Excellent," he says, his hand flexing by his side as he drops it. "What are you doing out here, anyway? Behind my trash can of all places? You could have come inside, you know. I would have made you waffles or something."

"Didn't want to interrupt Christmas morning," she explains, shoving her hands back in her - no, _his_ \- jacket pockets. "Besides, I really wanted to see _you_." Lily glances over at her house and then back. "I want to ask you about something."

"Oh yeah?" he says, quirking an eyebrow. He isn't sure what exactly Lily would want to talk to him about. _Alone. _He allows his mind to wander to all the possibilities. "Shoot."

"Maybe this is weird, but I was thinking..." She pauses, clearly struggling for her next words. "I mean, I had this idea and wanted to ask you if -" Lily breaks off again and shakes her head.

"Evans," says James, shoving his hands in the pockets of his pajama bottoms and bouncing on the balls of his feet. "Whatever it is, you can tell me. I mean - _come on. _It's me."

"There's no way this _isn't _weird, so I'm just going to try to say it." Lily lets out a deep breath that fogs in front of her face. "Do you think we could convince Petunia - convince everyone - that we're dating?"

James blinks once.

And then once more.

And then again.

He isn't quite sure that he's heard her correctly. He _can't _have heard her correctly. Because while it's not _exactly _what he is wanting, it's close. Nearly pretend, but close.

"I - you - _what?"_

"Let me try to explain." Lily lets out another breath. "Last night, I was thinking about what Petunia said. And what you said. About how stupid all of that stuff about social circles and - and _whatever_ is." She shifts her weight between her feet, as if moving around will work out whatever she's thinking. "Wouldn't it be great if we proved her and proved _everything _wrong?"

"What are you saying?"

"What I'm saying is, we don't _have _to follow whatever Petunia - whatever _anyone _\- thinks of us. If we convinced her and everyone that we were _dating_, it would go against all that." She makes a face like she's worried that she may have offended him. "Not that you _have_ to date me. We just have to make her think you are."

"So, let me get this straight. You want to date me - _fake _date me… to prove your sister wrong?"

"Well, that just makes it sound... It's not just that." Lily shakes her head and stops fidgeting. "Like you said yesterday, we have to make room for each other again. There are all these unspoken rules, but if we were - if they thought we were a _couple_, then maybe we could do something about it. Change something. It would be like hacking high school."

James ruffles a hand through his hair, feeling himself teeter on the line of caving. He's never been able to deny Lily _anything, _and he knows he's one final push away from not being able to deny her this.

Even if part of him is screaming that it's a horrible idea.

"And if we do this - if we let people think we're dating, what would be the end result? What would we get out of it? What would we change?"

She straightens. "We'd get a good semester out of it. We can be friends - _real_ friends - again. Avoid all the petty high school drama of relationships and who likes who. Show people that all of their rules don't matter. Plus, James, it could be _fun._"

He's swaying. Just yesterday he had been in that space between friendship and absolutely _nothing, _and now he is being offered everything he wants. Everything he _has_ wanted for such a long time.

But it's not real. None of it would be real.

James knows himself well enough to know that he clings to any sort of fantasy. And Lily Evans… she's been his very favorite fantasy for years now. If he does this, if he agrees to it, James knows he's going to have a hard time coming back down to reality once it all ends.

"So, we fake date for a semester," he presses on, knowing that he probably shouldn't. "We let everyone think it's real, and make our own rules for the rest of the school year?"

He knows he's just repeating what she's been saying, but he isn't arguing. She knows it too, he can tell, by the way her eyes light up.

"Exactly. All of the fun and none of the pressure." Lily reaches out her hand, possibly to shake on it, before she drops it by her side quickly. "There's… one more thing. The prize at the end."

_You, _he thinks before shaking his head.

"What prize?"

"Prom King and Queen."

"Prom? What's that got…?" James trails off, knowing _exactly _what Prom Royalty has to do with this. "Petunia. This is more than just trying to prove your sister wrong. This is about trying to one up her. To get something that she doesn't have."

He knows he's hit the nail on the head even before Lily crosses her arms.

It's _always _Petunia.

James isn't sure _why_ Lily is so dead set on always trying to prove Petunia wrong, but he knows that Lily's sister is the driving force behind all of this. More than that, he knows that Lily is trying to prove something to her sister about herself. That she's _more _than however little it is that Petunia thinks of her.

"Maybe it is," Lily allows, "but we could do it. We could _win_, James." She looks down at herself and back up to him, stuffing her hands in the pockets of his jacket. "You're the only person I can ask. I _need_ you. You could get Prom King without even trying, but that's not why. It'll actually be fun with you. I _trust _you."

It's her words that do it for him, that final small push that he needs to cross over to her side.

_I need you. I trust you. _

Somewhere in the back of his mind, the sudden thought dawns on him that even though this would all be fake, the possibility for something _real _could be underneath it all. That if she trusts him enough, it wouldn't have to _stay _fake.

He could win her over, if he tried. He could show her by being her fake boyfriend how good he could be at being her real one.

"Okay, Evans," he says with an outstretched hand before he can stop himself. "You've got yourself a deal."


	2. You Belong With Me

**Chapter Two: You Belong With Me**

"_Walking the streets with you and your worn-out jeans, I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be. Laughing on a park bench, thinking to myself, 'Hey isn't this easy?'"_

Today is the first real day of her - _their_, Lily corrects herself - plan.

Everything has to be absolutely perfect. If they do this right, people will be looking at her. She's inviting, even welcoming, their judgement. If she's going to go to school as _James Potter's girlfriend_ she has to look the part.

Unfortunately, the universe - or maybe just her sister - didn't get the message.

In the middle of brushing her teeth, Lily notices Petunia's reflection in the mirror. Classes don't start for another week or so for her, but she's already dressed and looks nearly ready to leave the house.

While Lily is still standing in her pajamas.

Not that she's running behind her own schedule. She specifically woke up early for the first day back at school so she would have time to make everything right. It's twenty minutes before her alarm usually rings, and she's already starting to get ready.

"Can I help you?" Lily mumbles past her toothbrush.

Petunia looks up from inspecting her nails. "You'll have to take the bus," she answers shortly.

"What?"

Like every morning, their mother has already left the house to make it to work on time. Lily and Petunia have contentious joint custody of a shared car, but Lily never gets to take it on a school day. That would strand Petunia at home or, when classes are in session, stop her from being able to go to school. Their mother mentioned this casually over dinner, but Petunia said not to worry.

She told their mother several times that _of course_ she could take Lily to school, because _of course _Petunia is the perfect daughter who does all these nice things for her little sister who _of course _doesn't appreciate her.

"I'm meeting the girls for breakfast, so I don't have time to drop you off. Wanted to let you know before the bus came by." Leaving Lily stunned, Petunia turns and starts down the stairs. Then, loud enough that she can be heard from the bottom of the stairs, Petunia calls, "Have a good day!" The front door snaps behind her.

Luckily, their mother isn't around to hear Lily swear loudly.

Now she has to make everything - make _herself_ \- perfect while getting ready at light speed and without missing the bus.

With wide eyes, Lily takes in her own reflection. She doesn't usually spend the morning picking apart her flaws, but they all seem more obvious under the harsh bathroom light. Lily leans forward, scrutinizing her skin.

She shakes her head, pulling herself out of it. She doesn't have time to stress about this. She pulls the braid out of her hair, runs a brush through it, and spends valuable time trying to make her bangs look the way her hair dresser did. If she has to, she can join the group of girls who do their makeup in the bathroom before the first bell. It would be a good place to be seen, anyway.

Lily runs into her bedroom, skids to a stop, and glares at a closet full of not perfect clothes. She should be dissecting every part of her outfit, but she doesn't have time. Cursing Petunia, she dives in and tries to find something for the day.

Instead of analyzing a few choices in the mirror, she grabs a pair of jeans and school shirt. The new sweater and boots that arrived under the Christmas tree will have to be good enough to finish the look. Before she absolutely has to leave the house, Lily turns to see herself in the mirror. If she didn't know it, she wouldn't believe that she got ready in just a few minutes.

Bright red and gold catches her eye.

The star of the outfit is hanging on her bedpost, ready for the day. Lily tugs James' jacket on over everything and flips her hair out of the collar. She grabs her book bag right before slamming the door closed behind her.

When she makes it to the curb, Lily almost sighs in relief. She can see a few people down the street waiting for the bus, so she managed to avoid missing it. A small buzz in her back pocket is good confirmation that she didn't forget her phone in the rush out of the house. Lily rocks back and forth on her feet, trying to stay warm with her hands shoved in the pockets of James' jacket.

Conquering the first emergency of the day gives her a little boost. If she can handle her sister, she can handle whatever people are going to say or think at school.

This is the day where their plan becomes official, where they actually start acting on it. She's dropped hints, but there hasn't been much room for action. Since Christmas morning, Lily's mother and homework made a good team to keep her busy enough that she hasn't really seen James since he agreed to the plan.

A rumbling motor stops right in front of her, drawing Lily out of her thoughts.

The vehicle by the curb isn't a standard yellow school bus. That's stopped at the end of her road with its light flashing to let on a few of her neighbors.

Instead, in front of her is the shiny car from next door that appeared in the driveway the day that her neighbor got his license.

"James?"

"What are you doing out here, Evans?" asks James, leaning across the seat to yell at her through the passenger window. "It's freezing!"

Her internal sense of pride stops her from complaining out loud. "Petunia took the car," Lily explains, starting to bounce on the balls of her feet. "I'm waiting for the bus."

"You're not taking the bus," he says simply.

Lily blinks. She can't decide what his intention is when he says it. Her presence on the curb should be enough to show that she absolutely is taking the bus. Because, of course, her sister created a problem she had to solve this morning. She should have expected and prepared for it, but she _did_ solve it.

"Um," she says after a slight pause, particularly eloquent. "That's the plan. It should be here any minute."

"New plan," he says, reaching over and opening the door. Lily can feel the warmth from his heat running on full blast. "You're riding with me."

She likes being able to solve things for herself, even if the solution was a little messy or not exactly what she wanted. Still, even the most self reliant person can't be expected to pass up a free ride in a warm car with their not-really boyfriend.

If she was her sister, Lily realizes, often thinking a few steps ahead to manipulate some new result, she might have planned the morning to run this way. If Petunia was trying the same plan, she probably would have.

Lily has to be cleverer.

There is no one around now, but there will be people once they get to school. This is an opportunity, one that hadn't even occurred to her and managed to land right in front of her.

Lily steps off the curb, gratefully sitting in the passenger seat, and snaps the door shut to seal away the wind. "If you insist, Potter," she replies, stowing her book bag by her feet.

If anyone asks, it's the cold that makes her cheeks pink. She certainly isn't getting sentimental about a ride to school.

"Huh," James tuts, tilting his head at her. "Funny, I expected you to put up more of a fight."

"You'd probably win anyhow, so I'll save my energy," Lily counters, holding her hands up to the vents. "Since your car is warm."

_And expensive_, her mind supplies, though she sort of hates the part of her that notices. It's not James' fault that his parents want to and can buy him something worth more than both of the Evans' cars put together. In all of the years they've known each other, he's never tried to make her feel like less because of how much money her family has.

Her mind shouldn't be telling her things that would make him feel guilty.

"Plus, I'm really saving you," she continues. "From your mom being upset that you left your..." she pauses, her newly warmed fingers making air quotes, "_girlfriend_ on the side of the road."

"Let me remind you, _girlfriend_, that this was _my _idea to drive you in the first place," he teases, though he's grinning as he puts the car in drive. "So, in reality, _I'm _saving _you. _Plus, as your boyfriend, I can't really condone you riding the bus to school. Not only is it ungentlemanly of me, but public school bus rides are the leading causes of migraines."

"No, that's Petunia," Lily answers quickly. "But public school buses are a close second."

She's smiling and already liking this more than putting on her headphones to moodily stare out of the window of the bus. If she knew it was going to be so easy to slip back into conversation with him, maybe she would have tried earlier.

Although, the real test is coming soon enough, when their conversations aren't just the two of them and a mutual irritation with her sister.

They have a deal, though. They're in it together, so everything will be fine.

"Maybe you _do_ need saving." Her attention turns to the spaceship-looking panel in the middle of the dash that must control the sound and temperature. "What are you even listening to, James?" Lily experimentally pokes one of the buttons.

"The Shins." He doesn't even flinch at the sight of her messing with his radio, something that Lily knows Vernon would call Petunia out for if she messed with his talk radio. "I've been in a _New Slang _mood lately. But here," he says, handing her his phone, "take a look through my music. You can change it to whatever you'd like."

"I used to listen to music like this," Lily answers, nodding to his radio and scrolling past a few bands she doesn't recognize. "Back when middle school felt like the ultimate form of suffering."

"Middle school _is _the ultimate form of suffering. Do you remember when we had to take that sex education course together? Sirius sat in the back, giggling the whole time."

"Mornings need something more upbeat. Like…"

When she sees the perfect artist, Lily knows it immediately. She taps the name and is more than a little surprised to see almost her entire discography_. _A little overwhelmed by the choices, she picks one of the songs at somewhat random, though she does steer clear of some of the more emotional ones.

"Something like this."

_You're on the phone with your girlfriend, she's upset._

"Oh my god," he laughs, shaking his head, "of _course _you're a Swiftie."

"Apparently I'm not the only one," Lily answers, holding up his phone and flipping through the songs with her thumb. "I have some of the bonus tracks you seem to be missing, secret Swiftie."

"I'm a _sporadic _Swiftie. I like to listen to her in intervals, or whenever the mood hits me."

"You would say that." Lily rolls her eyes. "It's _always _a Taylor Swift mood." She turns up the volume in time for one of the better-known lines.

_She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts. _

Lily moves her shoulders and head with the words. If she isn't going to fully enjoy the song, what's the point?

"Do you remember all those middle school dances where they would play this song _constantly?" _James nearly shouts over music, turning towards her with a grin she's seen many a girl swoon over. "I think I still know all the words! '_Can't you see that I'm the one who understands you!'"_

She turns toward his side of the car and returns his grin with one of her own when she adds the next line. "'_Been here all along, so why can't you see?'_"

They both commit fully to the title line, singing loudly and gesturing wildly.

"'_You belong with me!'_"

Lily turns the volume back to something her mother would call _appropriate_ and sinks back into the passenger seat. She lets his phone rest on her lap and watches a few mailboxes pass. "Maybe this drive could be a more regular thing?" she suggests, eyes on the windshield.

"Yeah?" She isn't certain, but she thinks she sees his grip tighten on the steering wheel out of the corner of her eye. "I wouldn't mind that, actually. I mean - it would be a very _boyfriend _thing to do, wouldn't it? Driving my girlfriend to school everyday."

Lily lets out a short laugh. "It would." It wasn't her first consideration when she asked, admittedly, but he has a point. A reaction out of Petunia is a good bonus to go along with a more enjoyable drive. Fidgeting with the end of the sleeve of his jacket, she adds, "I'll pitch in for gas money, since… you know."

"Absolutely not. I'm your boyfriend - _fake _boyfriend. But still. You're not going to be paying for anything. Gas, food, movies. I've got you covered from now until… _whenever."_

"That's not fair. It was _my _idea and _my _sister."

Suddenly, as they turn into the school, Lily feels very conscious of the fact that she's sitting in one of the nicest cars in the student parking lot. She remembers that she's wearing a football shirt from freshman year under her sweater and has a hole in one of the pockets of her backpack. For the first time since she sat down, Lily feels a little out of place.

"You really don't have to do that." She puts his phone in the cup holder and tugs her bag onto her lap.

"Of course, I do," he says, shooting her a sideways glance. "Listen, your sister isn't going to believe that we're actually dating if you're buying your own movie ticket and popcorn whenever we go out. I promise not to go overboard on dates, if it'll make you feel better."

"James, you don't -"

"Besides," he continues, cutting her off, "I live right next door. It makes sense for us to ride to school together. We're going to the same place anyway."

"Okay, okay," she answers, knowing how to take an out when it's given to her. Bickering with him may be fun, but money is one conversation she'll avoid when possible. She offered, so that's all she can really do.

After they pull into his parking space, Lily undoes her seat belt and turns to face him. "You'll tell me if it's too much, won't you?"

"Evans," he says, parking his car and grinning like an absolute maniac. "If I show up in a hot air balloon, offering you more flowers than the botanical gardens has to offer, then you'll _know _it's too much."

Lily shoves his shoulder but feels some of the tight feeling in her stomach fade. "Obviously too much. Especially since you know I'm afraid of heights." Taking a deep breath, she looks toward the school building in front of them. "Ready, boyfriend?"

James is looking at her when she turns back to him, and she wonders how he could possibly look as calm as he does.

"Ready, girlfriend."

* * *

James is freaking out.

And not for all the _normal _reasons a boy his age should be freaking out. He isn't embarrassed that his secret Swift obsession was nearly discovered. He isn't even ashamed over the fact that he's walking into Civic Responsibility five minutes early with Lily Evans walking directly beside him instead of trailing in right as the tardy bell is ringing.

He's freaking out over the fact that she smells of cinnamon and honey and it's _intoxicating. _

This is a horrible, _horrible _idea that he should have never agreed to. How is he supposed to go all the way until Prom having to remind himself not to lean over and smell her hair?

Only a creep would lean over and smell a girls hair, and he doesn't want to be labeled as such.

But he's basically invited her to live within his personal bubble for the next several months, and now he's going to be living in unattainable cinnamon and honey hell.

If he doesn't pull this _completely _idiotic plan off, he's going to go the rest of his life catching random whiffs of the essence of Lily Evans and reminding himself of what a complete and utter disaster he is as a human being.

Although, he's probably being a bit dramatic.

Okay, more than just a bit. He really ought to get a crown by the end of this strictly for being a drama queen.

He shakes his head.

He shouldn't even be focused on his dramatics and the possibility of losing his own private bet with himself on the _first day _of fake dating. What he should be focusing on is the fact that he's standing like an idiot in front of the desk next to his best mate while Lily is turning to go to her normal spot in the back where _Benjy Fenwick _sits next to her.

Now, in order to understand the true travesty of the situation, James must digress to a party that took place at the end of the eighth grade. During said party, at his _own house, _mind you, Fenwick had the audacity to suggest a game of Spin the Bottle.

Which James had been fine to indulge in for strictly selfish motives in the form of a red headed girl that sat across from him in the circle.

He had been fine, really.

Right up until the moment that the empty Orange Crush bottle landed on one Lily Evans, and he was forced to watch her blink in surprise as Fenwick leaned across the circle to press a kiss that lasted exactly seven seconds on her lips in slow motion.

Now, James must be clear that Lily is, in fact, allowed to kiss and have feelings for whoever she may choose. He _is _jealous when it comes to her. Extremely, on some occasions. But what he isn't, is one of those possessive guys who lays dibs on a girl.

But what killed him more than the kiss, more than the way Fenwick looked at her when he sat back down in his spot, and even more than the shy smile on Lily's lips, was the fact that _that _kiss happened only a week after _the incident, _as James dramatically calls it inside his own head.

James refuses to digress on that particular situation at this particular moment, thank you very much. So unless you're Sirius Black at three in the morning, you won't be hearing much from him about it.

While he refuses to acknowledge his motives, he doesn't allow that to stop him from nearly waking the dozing Peter Pettigrew to his right when he shouts. "_Oi! Evans! _Get back here! Let's sit together!"

Lily turns at that. Practically the whole class does too, with their heads up but eyes diverted in the way that people do to act like they aren't really paying attention. James is positive, however, that everyone in the room is waiting for what happens next. The uncharacteristic silence of a dozen teenagers before the bell tells him as much.

Lily, for her part, doesn't act like his sudden outburst phases her.

"Okay, James," she answers, showing off a smile like she's been practicing it in the mirror. "Tell Black to move over." She looks at Fenwick again, shrugs her shoulders, and collects her books to meet him by his desk.

James, only prone to being told what to do by his mother and Lily Evans, does as he's told.

"Move over," he says, this time with less volume.

Sirius is frozen, his head swiveling between James and Lily as though he can't quite comprehend what's going on.

"Please," says James again, aware that the corner of every pair of eyes remains on him. "Frank needs a desk partner. Or even Remus."

"Why do I have to move?" Sirius questions, his eyes narrowing. "You've never cared about Evans sitting with you before."

"That's not true." James is certain that a tint of red must be peeking through his sun-kissed skin. "And besides, I want to sit with Lily today."

"_Why?"_

"Because -"

James isn't sure _what _to say exactly. They hadn't actually worked out a way of announcing to the student body their… arrangement. He isn't sure what he was thinking by nearly addressing the whole class. Before he can further dig himself a hole, Lily tosses him a verbal shovel.

"Because _boyfriends_ like to sit with their _girlfriends,_ Sirius."

There's a moment of silence that passes in which the only sound is the squeak of a somehow still-sleeping Peter. Everyone is full out staring now, but James can't find himself to mind.

Not with the way Lily is practically beaming at him after stating that she is his _(fake) _girlfriend. Though it may be for show and not even a little bit real, James can't help himself from beaming back at her before turning back to a gawking Sirius.

"Yeah," says James, dropping his backpack down and sliding into his seat. "Boyfriends and girlfriends like to sit together, and we'd very much like to keep that tradition going."

"But you're - you're not _dating _Evans," Sirius practically spits.

"Of course, I am."

"No, you're _not. _Because you would have told me if you were. You wouldn't have been able to shut up about it."

"C'mon, Sirius. You've had James since Christmas," Lily interjects, shifting her books to her other arm and nearly _pouting_. "Can't I have one class?"

"Of course, you can. You're making Lily wait, Sirius," says James, shoving Sirius out of his seat. "It's rude."

Sirius is saved from falling flat on his ass by colliding with the adjacent desk, and the class breaks out into laughter. Sirius looks as though he's about to protest, his face red, but then he shoots James a look that clearly means _we'll talk later. _

Thankfully, Lily slides into the seat next him and it's all cinnamon and honey again.

She puts her books away as if the whole class isn't looking at them over their phones and leans her chin on her hand, looking over at him. "That went well."

"It went _brilliantly _well," grins James, ignoring the bird that is being thrown in his direction from Sirius as he storms to the back of the room. "Completely without a hitch. I don't think anyone noticed a _thing."_

"Maybe warn your bodyguard next time," she adds, gesturing over her shoulder with her thumb to the general direction where Sirius moved. "It looked like he was going to -"

She's interrupted by the bell signalling the start of class and Ms. McGonagall entering the room. Lily turns to the front of the room and James follows after a short pause.

"Put that away, Mr. Black," McGonagall instructs, managing to draw the attention of the whole class in the way few teachers can do. "We'll be making our semester groups today and dividing up volunteer assignments throughout the school. They'll cycle, so everyone will get a chance to try everything. You may all begin."

James has to stop himself from bouncing up and down in his seat, something he knows used to annoy Lily back when they were in middle school. Civic Responsibility is his favorite class because it's mostly made up of projects that keep him busy _outside _of class. It's rather like skipping without actually having to get into trouble.

Normally, before fake dating and before he and Lily actually shared the same space in school, he would pair off with Sirius for volunteer assignments around the school, managing to snag the slots where they could "help" Coach Hooch manage the sports equipment. In other words, it's a free lounging around period in the weight room.

But now it's different.

Now he (sort of) has Lily, and he's an anxious for the two of them to be paired together doing whatever it is that Lily normally signs up for during individual assignments.

He's bouncing before he can stop himself.

"We can pair up and -" Lily breaks off, casting him a skeptical look. "Are you okay?"

"What?" he asks, stopping his bouncing as though he hadn't been aware of it. "Yeah, of course. Do you want to? Pair up… with me, I mean?"

Lily looks at him for a moment as if she's debating what to say next. "You sure? You used to do that when…" She shakes her head and the confused expression disappears. "Yeah, I want to pair up. But I'm not hanging out in the gym every day."

"Yeah, no," says James, thinking of all the guys who would be all too happy to have _Lily Evans _watching them lift weights. "Let's do something else. What do you normally sign up for?"

Shrugging, Lily looks up toward the front of the room, where McGonagall has started writing some places on the board. "Whatever looks interesting or I try to take some pictures for yearbook. Maybe the library?"

_The library. _James has to stop himself from wrinkling his nose is disgust. He's not particularly fond of the library. Or, moreover, Ms. Pince isn't fond of _him. _She hasn't been since the incident where he had been hiding behind a cart of books, waiting to startle Sirius, but jumped out at Pince instead. She threatened to write him up for "_providing an unsafe and hazardous learning environment for his peers." _

Really, he wouldn't even know where the place was if Mr. Binns hadn't spent a majority of last year pawning them off on "research projects" in the blasted place.

But if Lily knew about all of that, she would either scold him or laugh.

He doesn't want either of those things right now.

So instead, he says, "Sure, sounds good."

"Restocking books isn't so hard," Lily replies and stands, gathering her things. James hurries to follow her, slinging his bag over his shoulder.

Taking a step toward the board, she turns back to him quickly, makes a decision, and glances around the room. Suddenly, she shoves her books out slightly toward him. "Are you supposed to carry my, um…"

"Oh," he says, blinking. _Idiot. _Of _course, _he should carry her books, he chides himself, taking them quickly and nearly dropping one. "Yeah, let me take these for you."

"Thanks, James," she replies, loud enough for most of the class to hear.

They shuffle to get to the front of the room while stepping over people's bags and trying to stay close without actually touching. When they make it, Lily adds their names to the board in looping handwriting.

With a plus sign between them.

"Excellent," beams James. She might as well have drawn little hearts around their names, the way his own heart is beating wildly.

Maybe he'll do that later. At home. Locked in his closet. Just to see what it looks like.

That is, if he survives the rest of the day as Lily's fake boyfriend.

* * *

All teenage girls feel like people are constantly staring at them.

Right?

Lily felt the bored attention of her fellow students when she walked across a stage to accept the Science award at the end of middle school. When she came into freshman year with a pimple that wouldn't let itself be hidden by any amount of concealer, she thought everyone noticed instantly. On days when she feels too tall or too big or too _wrong_, it's like everyone else knows that it's one of those days too.

But that doesn't mean they actually _are _always looking at her.

Today, she knows, is different. She did think a bit about how her plan might make people look at her, but thinking about it couldn't prepare her for the feeling. Imagining a dozen pairs of eyes following her into every class is one thing. Thinking carefully about her outfit and how to wear her hair in anticipation of extra attention is another.

Actually feeling eyes on her when she does perfectly normal things is something else entirely.

Lily knew they might draw attention to themselves, but she was starting to think that she was inflating everything in her head. Surely people couldn't care _so much_ that two people announced they were dating in first period.

Or maybe they could.

When a conversation immediately ends as soon as she finds her seat near a few other girls in AP Government, Lily knows the story has already spread. What else could they be talking about that demands silence when she enters the room?

She takes out her notebook (which James carefully passed back to her by her locker before disappearing down the hall to his next class) and puts it on her desk like nothing has changed.

Until Hestia leans over and loudly stage-whispers, "Lily!"

"Yeah?" she answers, looking up from her desk and meeting the other girl's eyes.

"When did you and _James Potter_ get together?"

Lily's blush is instant and genuine. Since she didn't prepare for these bits of their plan _with _James, she certainly didn't plan exactly how she's supposed to _talk _about him. "Over Christmas break." Staying vague is the best way to make sure no one tries to pick apart their story.

Satisfied, the other girl falls back in her seat with a content sigh. "How _romantic_."

Luckily, the teacher starts talking about the electoral college before Lily has to come up with anything else to say.

By the middle of the day, Lily has a similar conversation with a girl by the sinks of the bathroom. She doesn't know exactly what to say and stumbles over her words, but the girl bustles away, brimming with news about the newest high school couple.

Between classes, Hannah Holiday drops by her locker and says she wants to chat, even if they haven't really spoken since a middle school birthday party. Hannah tells her a few times that it's _so great _that Lily and James are hanging out, but Lily doesn't hold back when she adds that, actually, they're not just hanging out because he's her _boyfriend._

She makes a mental note to recount the look on Hannah's face to Mary later.

Lunch is the first time she and Mary really get a proper chance to talk, and Lily knows that she has to be practically bursting with questions. Her friend stays close on her heels, even after they're through the line to buy lunch, but she has the decency not to ask when they're surrounded by so many people. Mary's need to appear like she knows everything about her best friend beats her curiosity.

This time, anyway.

Now, Lily has to find a way to keep her occupied so she doesn't have to come up with more answers that she doesn't know to questions Mary has been thinking about all morning.

When Lily looks out at the cafeteria, the obvious solution appears like a flashing sign.

"Let's sit with James," Lily suggests, looking over her shoulder to her friend.

Mary looks at her for a beat. "We never sit with Potter and his friends."

So, she's decided to play the game where nothing is true unless Lily has specifically told her. Maybe she should have sent a text over break. That's probably what James' _real _girlfriend would have done.

Lily shrugs, trying to keep her expression neutral. "Things change."

Then, before Mary can slip in a question, she finds James' wild hair in the crowd and heads that way. She slides her tray into the (thankfully) empty seat beside him and pauses.

How are girls supposed to greet their boyfriends?

Mary beats her to the punch and covers up her hesitation. No matter how nosey she is, she knows how to save a girl when she needs it.

"Hello, boys," Mary greets, sitting across the table from Lily with her own tray.

Lily settles for putting her hand on James' arm. "Hey. I missed you," she says quietly with a smile in her voice.

That's a thing girlfriends say… Isn't it?

"Hey," he says, grinning right back at her as though she said the _exact _right thing. "You won't _believe _how long that last period seemed without you."

There's a reason so many girls talk about James Potter's grin. It's impossible not to melt a little under its full power. Lily isn't one to swoon over pictures in magazines, but she might do it more often if all of the boys smiled like _that_.

If her heart rate picks up a bit, that's just part of this whole thing.

"Only half as long as my period away from _you_," she answers, squeezing his arm and leaning a little closer.

Mary clears her throat, causing Lily to jump away from James. She glares across the table at her friend, who innocently eats a french fry.

Maybe it was a _little_ much.

"How was everyone's break?" Lily asks, settling into her seat and looking around the table to avoid Mary's expression.

"Great," says Sirius, taking an angry bite out of his wheat roll. "Very _Lily free. _Surprisingly, since you two are _dating _or whatever."

"_Sirius," _hisses James under his breath. "Cut it out. I told you that we'd talk about this at home."

"And I told you -"

"Lily!" Remus nearly shouts, cutting Sirius off in the process. "How is yearbook going? Band has a show coming up. I don't know if you have anyone to cover it yet."

"It's good, Remus," Lily answers, doing her best to ignore Sirius and the new color on her cheeks. "Mary's a great editor and -"

"We have one of the sophomores covering the band concert, since Lily will be too busy with all the games as _sports editor_," Mary cuts in, brandishing her fork in a way that's a little worrying in the close quarters of a school cafeteria. "Who knew I was such a matchmaker? I hope they don't get _too_ _distracted_ and capture some good moments for the book."

It's official. Lily has the most ridiculous, over the top, absolutely wonderful best friend in the whole world.

If letting Mary take credit for their relationship can save her, she'll happily give her friend the ego boost. Lily will take back all of her internal cursing about her friend's inability to deal with not knowing something. Mary has a talent for dramatics, but unlike with Petunia, they're almost always for the sake of _saving_ Lily.

"We'll be good," Lily promises, facing James again. She hopes it looks like she can't take her eyes off him rather than a way to avoid Sirius' gaze. Still feeling the tension of his previous comments, Lily puts her hand over James' on top of the table. "Won't we?"

Lily thinks for a moment that James has stopped breathing with how still he's gone, but in the next moment he jolts to life, his hand twitching like mad underneath hers, and knocking over his milk carton.

"_Fuck," _he curses as milk splashes them both, causing Lily to gasp. "Shit, Lily! I'm so sorry! I don't know what happened."

"It's okay, it's okay," she answers automatically. She pulls on her sweater to see the damage and tries to avoid the worst of the spill. "I can -"

Somehow, she can still hear Sirius' hardly contained snort of laughter over the chaos of a few hundred teenagers eating lunch and the unexpected dilemma of milk on her new sweater. She looks over at him and something in her hardens determinedly.

Commitment is key.

"It's okay," she repeats, as if Sirius didn't make any noise. She pulls her sweater off, dropping it onto the empty seat beside her. Her t-shirt is faded from repeated washing, but she's glad it's for their football team, the one that James led to playoffs last semester. It can only help her. A heavy hand is needed to make sure that no one can doubt them. Not even James' best friend.

Lily settles back into her seat, nudges James with her elbow, and tries to imitate the way girls look at boys in those high school television dramas she secretly likes to watch with Petunia. "You'll have to keep me warm to make up for it."

Sirius is looking at her with hardened eyes.

He's bought it.

Check mate.

"I can do that." James grins, shrugging off his hoodie and handing it to her. "Why don't you take this, though, for now? Your, uh, your shirt is very wet."

She takes it from him and pulls it on. "Thanks, James." It smells like peppermint and the same familiar scent she's gotten used to since he gave her his Letterman jacket on Christmas Eve.

She could definitely get used to this business of wearing his clothes.

"Well, my break was great," Mary adds after a moment, never being one for silences.

Mary launches into a story of a bad date that she told Lily about over the phone a few days ago and has since decided is one of the funniest things that's ever happened to her. Poor Remus nods along as she gestures wildly with her silverware.

Lily takes the opportunity for what it is - time where she can actually eat her lunch and not worry about the implications of her every move.

They've done pretty well today, she thinks. A shared class, answering questions from some prying classmates (at least on her end), and now lunch. The number of people asking her about _them_ already shows that they must think there's some way it could be true.

In a few days, some version of it will be school fact.

Although, their friends will always be the hardest to fool. Lily might have won this round, but Sirius is more perceptive about everything to do with James than any person has the right to be.

Perhaps she should have found a way to talk to him over break, but there's nothing they can do about that now. They need time to discuss to make sure they're on the same page and not giving Sirius any reason to doubt them.

She can't deny that it's already fun, and they haven't really broken the news to Petunia yet. Encounters with her sister always benefit from having a plan, she's found, so they need to settle things sooner rather than later.

"I'll meet you by your locker after the last bell?" Lily asks, trying to communicate in her tone that they've already discussed this, even though she knows they haven't.

Maybe she'll let _him_ reach for her hand next time.

* * *

James has no idea what any of his lessons were on today.

His whole brain has been clouded with thoughts of Lily Evans, causing him to walk around in a haze. And then, of course, to top it all off, he had gone and _spilled milk _all over his fake girlfriend in front of nearly everyone in what would go down in history - or at least inside his own mind - as the most _un-swoon worthy _action of all time.

_Honestly. _

It's as though he's never shared a meal with the girl. Which he _has _done. Loads of times. Since before either of them can remember. He's willing to bet that he made less of an ass out of himself in front of her at three years old while covered in Cheetos than he did today.

But it doesn't matter now.

He's got to pull himself together and somehow look as though he _hasn't _been thinking of her and only her for the entirety of the day before she shows up at his locker, where he's currently displacing his books.

But it's hard _not _to look like a fool in front of her when he shuts his locker door and finds her standing there.

And he lets out _another _high pitched scream that echoes down the hallway.

"Christ, Lily," he hisses, his back smacking loudly against the locker doors. "Again! How are you managing to sneak up on me like that?"

"I didn't mean to!" she answers, looking at least a _little _remorseful. Or maybe she's just worried he's going to spill something on her again. "I told you I was coming. I thought we should, um, talk." She shrugs one shoulder and shows him that half-smile she does when she thinks she's about to say something funny. "Since getting covered in milk is only fun once."

"Oh, God. Are you fake breaking up with me?" questions James, half joking, half actually fearing that's the reason.

"No!" Lily glances behind her and back to him. "Nothing like that. I just think we should talk about the day. And us." Her smile is brighter now. "Only good things."

"Okay, yeah," says James, relieved. He's still got his back still against the lockers, he realizes, and quickly pushes himself off of them, running a hand through his hair. "Where do you want to talk?"

She considers the question, but only for a beat or two. "Somewhere private?"

James grins. "Come on, I know just the place."

* * *

Lily hasn't been in the Potter house without Christmas decorations for years.

It's been even longer since she's been in James' _room_. Even though Mr. and Mrs. Potter aren't home and James says it's fine, it still feels like sneaking around when they skip the living room and go straight upstairs.

Years ago, she would have bounded up the stairs and surprised James when she jumped on his bed with a master plan for the day. More than once, she nearly knocked him off the mattress. His house - and his room, especially - were safe hideouts away from her sister.

Now, she pauses at the doorway to his room like she's a vampire who needs to be invited.

It gives her time to survey the room, seeing the passage of time in additions to and subtractions from the space. Although she can see some changes, it's still James' room. The walls are the same color, the furniture has barely moved, and there's still a few of the same posters on the walls.

"You took down the Marauder Oath," Lily notes, pointing to the place over his desk where an old paper signed by James, Sirius, and Lily used to be tacked to the wall.

"What?" James blinks in confusion, tossing his backpack on the ground. "Oh, yeah. That old thing. I think it actually fell apart."

She doesn't comment on what else fell apart since then, but she does take a step into the room and drop her bag by the door. Since this year's Christmas Eve dinner, talking to James has been easy. Why is she letting his bedroom get to her?

Lily forces her shoulders down and looks around slowly. If she acts like things are normal, they'll _become_ normal.

"Still keep your shirts in the second drawer?" Lily asks as she crosses the room to his dresser and tugs on the handle. "I'll be able to think straight when I don't smell like milk anymore."

"Yeah, the ones from middle school should be folded up on the bottom of the drawer," says James, rubbing the back of his neck. "They should be smaller since they're from… before."

_Before _being when they had too many inside jokes to count and James didn't spend all of his time at practice, building the muscles that make girls in their school swoon. Before James started outgrowing his shirts and the shared memories that go along with them.

Digging through the drawer for a few seconds instead of grabbing the first thing she sees is worth it when she finds a shirt from a trip they took in sixth grade to the zoo. She knows she has the same shirt - smiling giraffe and all - buried somewhere in her own closet. The thought makes her smile. Any reminder of what they used to be reminds her of why she picked him to do this.

"Can you turn around?" she asks, pulling herself out of years-old memories.

"Wh - what?" stutters James, his eyes going wide behind his glasses.

"So I can change?"

"Oh," says James, pivoting helplessly. "_Oh. _Yeah, I mean, of course. Let me just… I mean, I guess this wall will do just fine to, um, look at."

Lily watches in amusement as James runs, nearly tugs, really, a hand through his hair as he stands with his nose practically in the corner as though he's a child being punished, the back of his neck sporting a bright patch of red.

For safety, she also turns so she's looking at the door and not him when she drops his sweatshirt from her shoulders. Lily pulls her own shirt over her head and stuffs it in her bag. She puts on James' dry shirt and spins back around.

"It's safe," Lily announces, bending over to pick up his sweatshirt from the floor and offering it to him. "You probably want this back. If I'm not careful, I might have half of your wardrobe pretty soon."

"That's okay. My clothes look better on you anyway. I mean…" James is still facing the wall, his head slightly pressed against it, either unable or unwilling to look at her. Lily wonders if she's broken him somehow. "I've said '_I mean' _like a billion times today, and I'm still not exactly sure what I mean."

"That's okay. I mean -" She internally winces. "Thanks." Lily feels herself blush. James Potter probably gets away with so much because he's impossibly cute when he's flustered.

At least she's not the only one who feels a little lost.

"We said we would talk, right?" she says, bringing them back to the intended subject of their conversation. "Let's talk."

Next, it's just the matter of figuring out where to sit. She doesn't think this is like when they were in elementary school and she could lay next to him in his bed on her stomach. Somewhere between middle school and now, that line has been marked on the ground and she doesn't feel quite ready to cross it.

Plus, she already closed the door and took off her shirt in James' room. She doesn't want Mrs. Potter to have an even _bigger_ reason to disapprove of her.

She settles for his desk chair.

"I thought we should make a plan," Lily explains, pulling her legs up onto the chair with her. "Set out our… expectations. Make sure we're on the same page."

"A plan," repeats James, throwing himself down on the bed. "Normally, I just wing things."

"Sirius might be too smart for that. He's already suspicious of me. We can't let him know that we're…" She struggles for a moment with the right word to use. "He has to think it's real. Like everyone else."

"Sirius and smart are not two words I would normally put together in a sentence," sighs James, stretching his arms above his head. Lily tries to avert her eyes from his briefly exposed stomach. "But he _is_ getting awfully suspicious. He'd probably be grilling me right now if he didn't have to take Remus home from band practice. So you're probably right." He grins. "As usual."

"Well, thinking I'm right is a good start to our _relationship_," she answers, mirroring his grin. Lily sits up. "So. How do I be your girlfriend?"

"Um," says James, raising himself up on his elbows to look at her. "I'm not really sure. To be honest, I haven't had a lot of… _experience _when it comes to dating. I'm not even sure how to be your boyfriend."

His confession takes her by surprise. Frequent rumors that make their way around the school made Lily think that he vastly outpaced her when it came to dating. Enough girls _want_ to date him, so maybe it's been by choice.

And he agreed to this anyway.

Lily tells the butterflies in her stomach to stop fluttering furiously.

"Neither do I," she admits. "Have experience, I mean." The confession of her own is easier after he gives his first. "I don't know how to be a girlfriend. Maybe we should decide what we… do. Some kind of agreement, so we know what to expect from each other."

"Like a contract?" he asks. "Like, 'James will drive Lily to school every morning' type of thing?"

"Yes," Lily replies gratefully. "Like that. Driving me to school, asking me to Prom, and… whatever you think I should do."

"I feel weird giving you a list of demands, basically," says James, ruffling his hair. Again. Lily wonders how often he does that now, since he never used to when they were kids.

"They aren't demands. They are ways we can _act _like boyfriend and girlfriend so people think we _are_ boyfriend and girlfriend."

He pauses for a moment, thinking. "I guess I wouldn't mind having lunch together. We have the same lunch everyday, anyway."

Lily nods and ticks off the list on her fingers. "Rides to school. Prom. Lunch." She grabs a notebook and pen from his desk, flipping it open to a middle page. "I'll write it down." For a few seconds, the only sound is the faint scratching of pen on paper.

When she looks up to bring up something that's been floating in the back of her mind, she tries to keep her tone unaffected. "What do you think about… kissing?"

"_Kissing?" _squeaks James before clearing his throat and speaking at a volume that's much lower than his normal tone. "I mean, kissing. Yeah. It's something that boyfriends and girlfriends tend to do_. _And it would help us look convincing. If - if _you're _okay with it. That is."

"I think we should." Maintaining eye contact is getting harder, but she makes herself do it. "I mean, who is going to believe us if we don't? But do we need to talk about it? Are there rules?"

"Well, I've only ever been kissed a handful of times." He's rubbing the back of his neck again. She remembers _that _from when they were kids.

He's nervous.

"They were under a bit more… natural circumstances than this. I guess considering _everything, _we might want to set some rules. Just to make sure there aren't lines that we don't want crossed. Like, if you wanted to save some stuff for a _real _boyfriend. I mean, not saying that I think you haven't kissed anyone! Since… you know." He blinks. Again. "Have you?"

She doesn't give herself time to think about those _natural circumstances_ or how it didn't even occur to her to _save some stuff_ for someone else. Instead, she averts her eyes and starts picking at her thumb cuticle. If he still remembers her like she remembers him, he can probably tell that she's nervous too. "Right. Rules. I haven't… Not since…"

He knows exactly when her last real kiss was.

Even though he clearly didn't know it was her last real kiss.

She isn't quite confident enough to make the joke convincing, but she tries. "You don't have to worry. I won't know if you do it wrong."

"I'm more concerned about you not wanting me to do it at all, to be perfectly honest." He's sitting up now, his normal hint of mischief missing from his eyes when she glances up at him. "Even though it's a normal boyfriend-girlfriend thing to do. This isn't a _normal _relationship, and I don't want you to have to do anything you aren't comfortable with."

"No," she answers, forcing her eyes up from her hands again to meet his. "I want you to. I mean, as long as _you _want to." Seeing his serious expression pulls her back.

She choose James for a reason. They're talking about this. It's okay.

"How about this?" she offers. "Cheeks and foreheads are fair game, but we'll ask before anything else. Until we figure it out, anyway."

James nods. "That's fair. That way nobody gets uncomfortable. But I'm going to warn you, Evans, I give _amazing _forehead kisses."

She can't help but laugh. It loosens the tension held in her body and prompts her to drop her feet to the floor. "Good to know. Well, that part's settled." She writes done their agreement and taps the pencil against the page. "I also think we should pass notes between classes. And I can text you before bed."

"Okay, and I can send you good morning texts," he agrees readily. "Anything particular you want me to write you about? I'm assuming Mary will snoop, so we have to stay on top of our game." The spark of mischief finds its place in his eyes again. "Oh my God. I can write some pathetic poems about my love for you."

"As long as they're _believable_," she answers, writing everything down and feeling like a kid in a candy shop who was given permission to fill their bag. They're going to have _fun. _"I'll add some things for Sirius' benefit too."

Another idea comes to her, and she can barely contain herself. "You have to come over for dinner sometimes. To show Petunia."

"That's brilliant," he says, grinning so broadly she can nearly see all his teeth. "I'll be the perfect, doting boyfriend. Charm the socks off your mother and, in the process, completely put _Vermin _to shame."

That's exactly what she wants him to do, and she almost wants to hug him for being the person to mention it explicitly.

"Careful, Potter, or you'll sweep me off my feet." Lily knows her grin has to be matching his, but she doesn't want to hide it. "Anything else?"

"Are we in love?"

She stops short, her grin momentarily falling. "What do you mean?"

"Love," he repeats so seriously, so simply, as though she must have misheard him. "You know how high school relationships are. People fall in love every two seconds. Are we one of those couples? You know Sirius, and I'm sure Mary, will want to know. Do you love me, Evans?"

Lily looks away from him and across the room. Her throat tightens unexpectedly, so she focuses on the football poster that has been on the wall since she gave it to him as a birthday present years ago.

If she checked, Lily is sure she could find other little traces of her across the room. Shiny rocks they collected to use like money or small presents from several years of Christmases and birthdays. She knows reminders of him are still in her bedroom. A drawing hidden in her memory box. An old photo album her mother put together back when she paid more attention.

Perhaps she didn't know how large the gap in her heart was until she was closer to closing it.

"Maybe," Lily replies, looking back at him, voice quiet. "Though we're not saying it yet. It's too early. But I think… I think I will."

James nods seriously. "Okay, how about this… you're nearly there, but I'm totally already in love. But neither of us have said anything to the other," says James, taking the notebook from her and quickly writing down something she can't entirely see. He's left handed, and the way he writes - hunched over and in chicken scratch - used to be something she made fun of when they were kids.

"Here," he says, handing the notebook back to her.

_James loves Lily, _it reads.

She doesn't dare to look up from the page - not when her heart is committing itself to a mission of beating out of her chest. It's all part of the plan, part of what _she _asked for, but it feels like something torn straight from one of those movies that are too perfect to be real.

Lily holds out her hand for the pen and adds, _Lily will love James_.

Tilting the notebook toward him, she looks over for his approval. "Okay? We can always add more."

"Sounds good. I'm sure there are things we aren't even thinking of right now, so one of us may need to keep ahold of this notebook," he says, and then looks at the digital clock on his nightstand. "Jesus, we've been at this for a while. It's almost dinner time. My parents should be home soon."

"I'll take it to keep it away from Sirius," Lily suggests. "And get out of here before you get in trouble for having a girl in your room with the door closed." She stands, crossing her arms to hold the notebook to her chest. "I'll meet you tomorrow morning for a ride?"

"I'll pick you up, pull into your driveway, and blow my horn just to piss Petunia off," he says, standing. He's so tall. She nearly has to crane her neck to look up at him.

"Perfect," she agrees and steps backward toward his door. Lily pauses long enough to grab her backpack and slings it over her shoulder. "I'll bring breakfast."

"Excellent. And Lily?" Her name causes her to freeze with her hand on the doorknob. She's about to ask him what he needs when she notices how close he's gotten. A breath hitches in her throat and it tastes like peppermint.

Then he's cupping her face, his hand steady and not at all trembling like hers is against his doorknob. His lips brush gently across her creased forehead, as though she might break if he presses any further.

But it doesn't matter, she thinks.

It lasts no longer than three seconds, but she's already crumbling.

When he pulls away, he's still cupping her face.

"Good night," he says, his voice huskier than she's ever heard it.

"Good night," Lily echoes, feeling like her brain decided to take a vacation in the space of a few seconds. It's floating somewhere above her when she turns to flee down the stairs before she can do anything reckless.

James is right about something.

He gives _amazing _forehead kisses.


	3. Sparks Fly

**A/N: This fic is co-authored by alrightginger and women-inthe-sequel! Follow us both ****separately**** on tumblr by the same names, or together as gingerinthesequel! Please don't forget to review! **

**Chapter Three: Sparks Fly**

"_You find I'm even better than you imagined I would be."_

They say it takes thirty days to form a new habit or routine. Whoever they actually are, James doesn't have a clue. He wishes he did, though, so he could tell them that they're wrong. At least, when it comes to James Potter and Lily Evans, they're completely wrong.

Five days. That's all it takes for them to fall into an easy, straight and narrow routine.

Sure, it had been a bit of a rocky start. But today, Friday, the fifth day, finds James feeling a sense of ease and confidence as he stands outside of the Evans' house, his hand laying down on the horn in a most obnoxious way.

It's only the fact that Ms. Evans has already gone to work and isn't home that James allows himself to fall into such childish temptation. Petunia, who is taking classes at the local community college, doesn't have to be in class until nearly lunch, and part of James' new routine involves an early wake up call for _both _Evans girls.

One who is expecting it, one who isn't.

It takes nearly ten seconds of the horn blaring for a face to pop into view from the upstairs window, and James doesn't need to hear what Petunia is saying to know that she's absolutely cursing him. Her hair is pinned up in curlers, and she's wearing a night top in such a harsh shade of pink that it makes her look sick, hands banging angrily on the glass. And this… _this _is James' second favorite part of the morning.

His most favorite thing - the thing that makes James' chest nearly explode with hope - happens in the next second. The front door springs open and out bounds Lily, running toward him at such a speed that if James had been any smaller she would topple him over with the force at which she collides with him. Instead, he catches her with ease. As though he had been expecting it, because, well, _he has. _

This is their new morning routine.

Morning hugs where her feet are dangling off the ground, an irate Petunia shrieking at them from above, and everything cinnamon and honey mixed in with a little bit of peppermint.

And, _fuck him, _he loves it.

"Good morning," he greets, holding her tightly and spinning around as she squeals with laughter. Which is another best part of the morning, because the laughter is real and not just for show for her sister. Petunia can't hear it behind her closed window, but the sound of it fills James' ears, making his chest swell.

"Good morning to you," Lily answers, practically bouncing on the balls of her feet once he puts her down. Quickly, she tilts her chin up, and moves onto her toes to kiss his cheek. She looks back at the house, giving a wave in the direction of her sister's window, and turns back, grinning. "Ready to go?"

"Of course. But first," he says, placing two fingers underneath her chin, and placing a kiss on her forehead. "Once more for Petunia, who's watching in the window."

It's overkill, he knows. She _just _kissed him on the cheek and that's enough to rile Petunia up, but he can't help it. She's a _blusher _when he kisses her forehead, and he's greedy for it.

"For Petunia," she repeats, though she doesn't look back at the window and is still smiling. "Just so you know, we only had strawberry jelly left, but I found something to make up for it." She holds up her bag of breakfast as evidence.

"Ooo," he coos, raising his eyebrows in interest. "What'd you bring me, Evans?"

"Your childhood," Lily replies, reaching into the bag and dramatically revealing a Capri Sun. She holds it out to him. "It's safe. Leftovers from a debate tournament last semester. When I found them in the garage, it reminded me of that week when you refused to drink anything else."

"Oh my God." James laughs, snatching the drink from her hand and stabbing in the straw. He nearly punctures it all the way through like he did when they were kids, but manages not to. Just barely. "It's grape too! My favorite. Did you know that grape flavor was purely accidental? Like, they didn't even _mean_ to make it. My favorite flavor is basically _accident."_

"Today I learned." She looks particularly pleased with herself, even though she crosses her arms. "Now, let's go. I'm cold, and who knows what rumor Sirius will start spreading if we're late."

"Probably that we're off shagging in your closet or something," says James, grinning.

"Exactly my point."

He walks around to the passenger side, opening the door and bowing like a gentlemen. Something he _completely _isn't. But this is all fake, after all. "After you, my lady."

Lily follows him and does an exaggerated curtsy. "Thank you, good sir." She gets into the car, tossing her book bag in the backseat with his. Without asking, she grabs his phone and starts tapping. "I added some good stuff to our playlist."

"More Taylor?" he asks, sliding into his seat and buckling himself in. "Anything that struck you of your love for me while listening?"

The opening notes of _Our Song _come from his speaker as Lily fumbles with his phone. "I thought I wasn't in love quite yet. You're the one who already jumped all in."

"That's right," he says, nodding. "Madly, completely in love and you don't have a clue."

"Eventually, I'll have to figure it out, since me falling in love with you is in our agreement. But if you keep making Petunia angry, I might be in love with you before midterms."

"Alright, Evans," he says, grinning. He knows her words are just for play, but he can't seem to tell his heart that. "For my lady's heart, I'll gladly take on Petunia's wrath."

"Okay, Potter. You've got yourself a deal."

* * *

It doesn't take long to be officially seen as James Potter's girlfriend.

In just a few days, nearly the entire school, including most of the teachers, knows that something has changed in the senior class. Lily notices the different people who talk to her and the different _way _in which they talk to her. When she goes through the halls, the eyes don't feel as heavy on her shoulders as they did the first day, but Lily gets used to walking like people are always watching.

By Friday, no one does a double take when Lily stops by James' locker or puts her tray next to his at lunch. It only takes a few days of their new routine for most people to accept it.

No amount of rides to school or messages, however, seem to convince James' best friend. When Sirius raises a brow at her, Lily makes an effort to kiss James' cheek or give him a lovesick look.

They have a plan.

Mary does corner her on Wednesday and ask for an emergency friend session to get answers, but Lily insists that she has debate practice and homework. She's happy to use the excuse to delay that conversation until she's more ready for it, though, truthfully, she _does _need to keep track of her time to do all of those things.

And have enough time to text James. It's quickly becoming one of her most frequent hobbies, if she can call it that. Lily will look up from a textbook to check one message and not return to her studies until she looks at the clock in disbelief some impossibly long time later and has to pull herself away from her phone.

The messages, she reminds herself, aren't only for her benefit. She brings up a few of his better texts over dinner or while watching TV with Petunia. When she reads them, she'll imitate the voices she hears on their favorite teen shows or dramatically fall back into their pillows.

Lily tries to hide her grin when she sees Petunia pointedly look at her own phone.

The rest of the school doesn't see how she smiles when she gets a message from James, but they do see them interact throughout the day.

Luckily, it's easy to act like she loves James. He _makes_ it easy.

She doesn't have to teach herself how to be happy to see him in the mornings or struggle to remember things about him. He's interested in what she has to say and doesn't make her feel silly when she gets excited. They listen to each other and always manage to laugh.

It's like she's been missing a piece that is now falling back into place.

It's only been a few days, and it really feels like they can do this.

"I've been thinking," Lily says as she re-shelves a book during their Civil Engagement assignment and consults the pile in her arm. "Does Sirius act this way about _all_ of your girlfriends? Or am I a special case?"

"Oh, um," says James, looking slightly startled. He leans back against the bookshelf so casually, hands in his pockets, one foot propped up against the second shelf. Lily thinks he looks like one of the heartthrobs in the kinds of movies that are now study material for her. "He's very… _protective, _I guess is the word I'm looking for. Loyal. Almost like a dog."

She's always known that. James was always Sirius' person, the one he would defend against anything. He just didn't usually have to protect James from _her_.

"I mean, it's nice that he cares so much," Lily answers, forcing herself to look back at the shelf. "But is he especially loyal because it's _me_?" Lily turns her head toward him.

"No, _no." _There's something in the way that he says it, the way that he ruffles his hair, that makes Lily suspect that he's lying. "It's not _just _you. He's never really approved of anyone I've been… _interested _in."

"How often have you - Nevermind. Is there something I can do?"

"Nah," says James, shrugging. "He just needs to see that we are, for complete lack of a better word, mind you, _serious. _Give him some time. A couple more weeks, a couple dates, and he'll get over it."

Lily turns to face him fully, arms empty since she's finished her current stack for re-shelving. "I can make my texts more sickening, if that would help." She puts a hand to her forehead and leans against the shelf behind her, as if she can't bear to stand on her own. "My life was absolutely incomplete without you, James Potter!"

"Ugh, God, get a room!"

The voice appears from behind Lily, causing her to jump. When she turns, she isn't surprised to see Sirius Black standing there, fake inducing vomiting at the pair of them.

"We have a room, Sirius," says James, rolling his eyes but never once moving from his stance. "We _had_ the whole library. Why are you here, anyway? Shouldn't you be with Coach Hooch?"

Without looking back at James, the few feet of the aisle between them suddenly seems far away. She can practically feel Sirius eyeing the distance and jumping to some conclusion. Lily takes a few steps back, moving to stand by James so their hips nearly touch.

"She told me to go get her a tea from the teacher's lounge," responds Sirius, though his eyes remain on the (now significantly smaller) space between Lily and James. "I think she needed a break from me, honestly."

James snorts. "Then why did you come _here?"_

"I wanted to see what you lovebirds were up to and if you managed to get kicked out of here by Pince yet." He picks up a comic, finally taking his eyes off them, and Lily can breathe again. "So, what are you two up to, exactly?"

"Oh," starts James, looking at Lily for help and shrugging. "Um -"

"Tonight," she answers, determined to make sure Sirius doesn't see her flinch. For good measure, she puts her hand on James' forearm, looking over at him and sliding her hand down to tangle their fingers together. "We were talking about tonight."

"Tonight?" Sirius repeats, raising a skeptical brow.

"What _are_ we doing tonight?" Ignoring Sirius, Lily squeezes James' hand and meets his eyes, widening her own in real and play curiosity. "You've kept it a secret all week."

"Oh, yes, tonight!" James, thankfully, is always quick to catch on. Quick to adapt. Which is why he's absolutely perfect to be her boyfriend.

_Fake_ boyfriend, that is.

"I thought we could go see that movie you've been talking about all week, darling."

Although it _is_ fair to make her decide on the details when she puts him on the spot like that, she inwardly winces. Eventually, they're going to have to come up with some back up plans so they aren't always making things up as they go. If this week is any indication, they might have to get used to thinking on their feet.

"Of course," she says. "That sounds _lovely_, James. That is, if I can concentrate when you're there." Finding the line of being clear enough without going too overboard is something they're working on with every conversation. Still, she can see something in his face that's probably reflected in hers - the game that is being _them _in front of people.

She did tell him that it would be fun.

"I'll try my best not to be distracting," James says, reaching to tuck a stray hair behind her ear and letting his fingers linger. She's not sure if it's for Sirius' benefit or her own.

The breath that catches in her throat definitely thinks that it's for her.

"Ugh," groans Sirius, throwing the comic back on the cart dramatically. "You two are pathetic. What movie are you _dying _to see anyway, Evans?"

Reluctantly, Lily looks away from James. "The new Avengers one. Isn't everyone dying to see it before the spoilers get posted everywhere?"

"Apparently," Sirius answers, perking up and grinning like he's finally caught her. "Since Remus and I were going to see it too. I guess we'll see you there."

Lily blinks. "I guess you will," she replies automatically.

"Yeah," says Sirius, crossing his arms. "I guess I will."

"Unless _you _decide to cancel, Black, or -"

"Oh my fucking - _okay," _says James, grabbing Lily by the shoulders and guiding her behind him, away from Sirius. "We get it! We'll all be there!"

"Yeah," snorts Sirius, peering around James' broad shoulders and looking at Lily. "I guess we -"

"_Sirius!" _cries James. "Get the fuck out of here!"

"Alright, alright," says Sirius, grinning, though there's something in his eyes that seems a bit… threatening. "See you later, Evans."

"_Tonight_, Black," she emphasizes, a little too loudly for the library, sticking her head out from behind James' shoulder to show that she isn't using him as a shield. Even if that's what he _wants _her to do.

Once the library door closes behind Sirius, Lily runs a hand through her hair and lets out her breath in a huff. She knew they would go on some dates, but she hadn't really known that it would happen _tonight._

"I guess you're taking me on a date."

"Yeah," he says with an exasperated laugh. "I guess so."

* * *

James' hands are sweaty. His palms stick to the steering wheel, contrasting with the blistering cold outside. He should _not _be nearly dying of heat stroke in January.

It would have been worse had his mother been able to manage wrestling him into the turtleneck sweater she bought him for Christmas, but James set his foot down about that. "_No one looks good in a turtleneck, mom!" _He had scoffed. "_Not even me!"_

Lack of turtlenecks aside, James is still nearly sweating.

His heat is going full blast, which _might _have something to do with his state, but he knows it's more likely the fact that he's going on his first (fake) date with the redhead seated next to him.

"I thought that we could go over some rules before we get there and have to see Sirius and Remus," says James, willing himself not to miss the turn coming up. "You know. _Dating _rules. For _actual _dates."

"Okay," Lily agrees, leaning forward to turn down the music. "What are you thinking?"

"Normally, it wouldn't be such a big deal that we're going on a date." _Liar. _"But with Sirius going too, he's going to be watching our every move. And, well, I've never really _been _on a date before."

It's only the fact that James is - and always has been - a cautious driver, hands always tightly placed at 10:00 and 2:00, that keeps him from ruffling a hand through his hair.

"Well," she says, "neither have I." She links her hands together and sits back in the seat, looking through the windshield instead of at him. "So we'll both be learning. Did you have a rule in mind?"

"Well," he swallows, "we've covered me paying and stuff like that, but I think we should cover little things. Like, are we a couple that holds hands during the movies? Do we split a large popcorn or get two kids combos? Are you still a cherry coke slurpee drinker? Or… something else. Little things that Sirius would be suspicious of if I asked you when we got there. Things that a _boyfriend _should know."

"It _is _our first date. We're both still figuring everything out. But…" Lily pauses, thinking, before continuing. "We definitely hold hands - during the movie _and _when we're walking in. I'll convince you to get a large popcorn to save money and give us an excuse to let Sirius see me touching your arm during the date." She glances over at him and grins. "But I gave up the slurpees. Don't you know those things are bad for you?"

An eternity seems to pass, and James feels as though he hardly knows Lily over something so minor.

"What do you _mean _you gave them up?" he asks, his voice raising an octave. They've pulled into the theater and the parking lot is crowded with cars, so it takes a moment for James to find a spot. "We used to share a large one every summer at the free movies they did for kids here!"

"And no more soda," she adds, still grinning and very amused by his reaction. "I had to give them up, or I'd have a breakout every morning. How could I be Prom Queen then?"

"That's silly," he snorts, pulling into a space towards the back and parking. "Your face always looks great."

"Petunia might disagree with you on that." It's hard to tell in the dim car, but Lily tries to look away and she might be blushing. "You're getting me those cookie dough bites I like, by the way. I'll even kiss your cheek to thank you."

"Petunia can suck an egg," says James, wiping his hands on his jeans before turning towards Lily with a grin. "But you've got yourself a deal on the cookie dough bites, Evans. I'll even snatch a few off of you. You know, like a good boyfriend would do."

"Perfect. We're going to make the best couple - fake or not." Lily unclicks her seat belt and pushes her door open at the same time as James. She stops for a few seconds to check her hair in the mirror and straightens. Once she gets to the front of his car, she holds out her hand. Wiggling her fingers expectantly, she peaks over her shoulder to him.

James grabs her hand, his fingers slipping into and molding against hers in a way that's much more natural than a week ago. "Ready?" he asks, rubbing his thumb over the back of her hand, certain that she likes it but pretends not to notice.

Lily squeezes his hand. "Ready."

* * *

As discussed in the car, they hold hands during the short walk into the theater. The slow movement of James' thumb on the back of her hand is an extra effort even before anyone could see them. But she isn't complaining.

Practicing all the time will only make them better when it matters, she tells herself. She vows not to add meaning to something that isn't there.

For perhaps the first time in his life, Sirius manages to be more than on time and actually beats them to the theater. He's talking animatedly to Remus when she spots them, gesturing wildly. As Lily could have guessed, Sirius' eyes go immediately to their linked hands.

"We already got the tickets," Remus offers, holding them up.

"Thanks, man," says James, taking two from him.

"Thanks," Lily repeats. Before Sirius can take control of the conversation, Lily uses her grip on James to pull herself closer to his shoulder, tilting her chin back to look at him. She talks loudly enough for Sirius to hear her from a few feet away. "Let's get snacks and get settled? I love watching the previews."

The next part is easy, just like things always used to be with James. He buys a cherry coke slurpee despite her half-serious, half-ridiculous protests. She talks him into splitting a popcorn with her to make herself feel less guilty about spending his money (even if she really does still feel guilty about that) but then channels her best inner Blair Waldorf to convince him to buy the candy he's already promised her.

She seals the performance by moving onto her toes to kiss his cheek.

Standing with him is easy enough. They've had a week of practicing being near each other in different rooms of the high school, finding little ways to show that they're _together_ without announcing it every few minutes. It's how he takes both of their tickets and how she squeezes his hand when she wants to get his attention.

Then they're into the part of the night that she suddenly realizes they didn't really talk about. The actual movie part and the film she's apparently dying to see.

They've both been in movie theaters enough times to know what to do normally. They've both been in movie theaters with each other, even. But are movie theaters different on a date? Is what you do in them different?

Lily clings to what they talked about in the car and doesn't let go of James' hand. It's only their first arranged date, she tells herself. No one is expecting them to act like an engaged couple. She hopes the lights go down soon and she will instinctively figure out what she should be doing while the movie is playing.

Luckily, she gets one of her wishes and the theater goes dark for the first preview to start. She looks over at James and some of the anxious thoughts in her head still.

They're both figuring this out, like they would be if it was all real. She thinks, somehow, that his being there is enough to make things magically work out.

Leaning over the armrest, Lily holds her fingers over the popcorn. "Prepared to share, Potter?"

"Of course, Evans," he says, shifting closer towards her and throwing an arm across the back of her chair. "Assuming your new diet doesn't keep you from enjoying extra butter on your popcorn."

The movement takes his hand from hers, but Lily pushes the armrest up and naturally relaxes into the new space for her against his shoulder. "Shut up," she answers automatically, more like the Lily she was when he knew her last. She grabs some for herself. "Popcorn isn't even worth it if it doesn't have extra butter. Breakouts aside, it's the caffeine you should be worried about."

"Whatever," he says before taking an obnoxious swig of his slurpee. "I've been drinking these since we were kids, and my face is as handsome as ever. Mom told me so this morning."

"And no one can lie to a face like yours." She stops his wrist with her hand and takes a sip of his drink. Immediately, she makes a face. "It tastes so _weird _when you're not used to it."

"Evans," Sirius says in an exaggerated whisper, "didn't you say you _loved_ the previews?"

Lily thinks it's particularly mature of her to ignore the impulse to stick her tongue out at him and lets her head fall back on James' shoulder. "You crashed _our_ date, Sirius. I can tease my boyfriend as much as I want."

"He was my bo - _friend… _my _friend _first," says Sirius, a slight pink tinging his cheeks that's noticeable in the dimly lit theater.

"Leave them alone, Sirius," Remus says, trying to draw his attention away from Lily and James.

"Actually, James was _my _friend first," she answers, unable to stop herself while she takes more popcorn. "No need to be jealous, Sirius. You have your own boyfriend to entertain."

"Yeah, Sirius," says James, grinning proudly at Lily and tugging her inward so she's resting against him. "Entertain Moony. He looks nearly dead with boredom. You really are a piss poor date."

It must be Sirius' expression that creates the surge of triumph in her chest. She's comfortably against James' shoulder when she turns her face up to him to judge if he thinks things are going as well as she does. His grin matches hers, so she takes it as a good sign.

Her worries about what they're supposed to do during the movie fade when they sit in a silence that isn't awkward as it starts. It isn't that different from the other times she's gone to the movies. Instead of sitting next to someone and ignoring them like she usually does, Lily is more aware of him moving beside her with their fingers occasionally bumping over their popcorn.

At one point, she looks up at him again. "Having a good time?"

He's rather close. Closer than she thought possible, which is something, considering they're very nearly pressed into one another.

"Of course." His voice vibrates against her, starting at the top of her head and prickling down her neck, causing little tingles to erupt down her skin. "Are you?"

"Yeah," she replies, really meaning it. Part of her hopes the goosebumps on her arms are from the heat stopping for a few minutes. "I do have a confession, though." She gestures toward the screen with one hand. "I don't think I know what's going on."

"Have you ever seen an Avengers movie?"

His fingertips brush her shoulder, and she wonders how something so simple can seem so intimate. Fingertips brushing one's shoulder should _not _be a reason for increased heart rate.

"Um." Her mind fills unhelpfully with static, but she shifts in her seat and tries again. "I think I caught one on HBO once?"

"You _think," _he snorts. "Okay, so you haven't really seen one, then. At least, not gotten the full experience. Anyway, that's Bruce - the Hulk, and he's been sent to earth to warn the others about Thanos."

"Sure," she answers as if that tells her everything she needs to know. Even without remembering a full movie, she has heard enough to know that the Hulk gets green and angry and there has to be a villain somewhere in the plot. Without really making a decision to do it, Lily's hand changes course and she intertwines her fingers with his instead of reaching for more popcorn. "There's going to be some big fight, I guess?"

"Um, yeah. Eventually, I'm sure there will be," he says, lifting their linked hands for a brief moment. Lily thinks he's inspecting them, but in the next second, he places a kiss on her knuckles, causing her (just maybe, possibly) to blush.

A throat clears next to them, and Lily turns to see Sirius watching them. _Glaring _at them, really.

_It was for show, _she thinks. _Nothing more. _That's why she keeps her hand in his, leans closer to James, and tries not to let Sirius make her freeze. He'll have to get used to them.

"It's okay if I don't follow," she whispers as if his best friend didn't interrupt a moment that he brilliantly manufactured. "We're both having a good time, and that's what matters."

He grins. "And nothing can beat movie theater popcorn."

"Maybe I can think of a few things," she answers, squeezing his hand and telling herself that she only dares to say it because she knows Sirius is watching them.

"Can you two _shut up?" _hisses Sirius, leaning over towards Lily. "I'm trying to watch the movie!"

"Sirius!" Remus scolds, tugging him away from her. "Leave them alone."

Regardless, it's enough to make her sit back in her seat. Lily doesn't give Sirius the satisfaction of looking back over at him, however, as she determinedly stares at the screen.

"Shut up, Sirius!" James practically growls. "I don't know why you have to be so much of an ass. I've tagged along to plenty of movies where you and Remus have done far worse than hold hands!"

Sirius looks for a moment like he's about to throw back another retort, but Remus, ever the quick thinker, shoves popcorn in his boyfriend's open mouth.

"You're such a child," says Remus, though Lily can hear the affection in his voice. "Eat this. I didn't buy it just for myself."

Lily feels rather than sees Sirius shift closer to Remus because she's absolutely _refusing _to look at Sirius Black.

"Hey," James says softly, brushing her hair behind her ear. Possibly for show. Possibly because of their arrangement. Possibly because he really does care. "Are you okay?"

"Totally," she replies, still not looking at him.

It _is _going to get better, she tells herself, even if that doesn't start tonight. It has to. After they've done this a few times, Sirius will get over the need to protect James and start protecting them instead. Protecting her. Like he used to.

Sirius liked her at one point. They were friends, and it wasn't just because she refused to be scared away by Boys Only clubs or early jealousy. Lily and James weren't the only pirates who searched for treasure. They weren't the only kids who signed their names and made promises.

Sirius helped her stand up to bullies. He gave her someone to talk to about having a difficult family and being trapped in the middle. She wonders if he still thinks, like she sometimes does, about their conversations that didn't involve James. About the way they used to look up at the stars and be honest about things they didn't talk about with anyone else.

Lily wishes getting them back to that was as easy as slipping back into friendship with James.

She slowly becomes aware of how stiff she is and forces herself to relax her shoulders. "I'm okay," she confirms after a few seconds in a voice that sounds more like something she recognizes. Lily faces James, smooths her features, and offers her open candy box to him. "Do you want some?"

James blinks at the candy box as though it's a foreign object to him before shaking his head.

"I don't want candy," he says. "Are you sure you're fine?"

"Of course," she says, meeting his eyes. This was the point, wasn't it? To go against high school trends? The whole thing doesn't matter if there isn't a little resistance. "Let's watch the movie. I'll try not to get so distracted."

* * *

James is used to a lot of things concerning Lily.

He's used to the way she pulls her hair over to one side of her shoulder while she's explaining things in great depth in class. He's used to the fact that when she starts a story, she has to go back nearly half a year for the listener to get a full scope of all the surrounding details. He's even used to her crushes on literary guys.

But one thing he is not used to, and the one thing that makes him feel ill at ease, is her silence.

Even after middle school, when they went their separate ways in their separate friend groups, she always managed to find a way to scold him for something. Honestly, he acted out most of the time _just _to get her to scold him. They had been embarrassingly exciting, her scoldings.

For the first time since he can remember, Lily has been silent the whole drive home, staring out the window and avoiding eye contact with him. He knows the _Sirius-ness _behind her silence, but he isn't entirely sure how to approach it.

"You know," he says, finding the courage as he pulls into her driveway. "I could absolutely kill Sirius right now. Our first date, and he's gone and screwed it up."

The driveway is empty, save for Petunia's VW Beetle, and James turns off the car, feeling the heat cut off with it. He shivers, and he's not sure if it's from the sudden chill or the fact that Lily has finally turned to look at him with a half-smile that doesn't fully alleviate his concerns.

"It's not that bad," she says after a beat. Lily's eyes drift to the windshield. "I was hoping for a warmer welcome, I guess. But…" She lets the sentence drop.

"But what?" he asks, fighting the urge to brush her bangs back from her eyes. "What is it, Lily?"

She looks like she might be considering what to say for a moment before she shakes her head. "It's nothing." Lily looks back at him and he sees the trace of a genuine smile in her features. "For the record, you don't need to kill Sirius. He didn't completely screw it up. It was the best first date I've ever been on."

"Excellent," he grins. He knows she's trying to deflect. Trying to change the subject. And just this once, he'll let her. He's still learning how to be around her again, and he isn't certain that a prying James is still tolerated just yet. "First fake date, in the books. I'm sure it will be all around the school by Monday morning, though likely a bit fudged." He throws his voice like a mock-reporter, extending his hand in front of him as spouts off the headline. "'_Potter and Evans, caught locking lips at the cinema!' _It'll be all over our school paper... Do we even have a school paper?"

Lily laughs, and James feels like he's won some sort of prize.

"Not for much longer, if that's their reporting style. No journalistic integrity. We haven't even -" Lily looks away again, but this time she focuses on the light coming from the front room of her house. Something in her expression changes, but then she's back. "I guess this is my stop."

"I'll walk you to the door," he says, opening his door and rushing around to the passenger side to get hers. When she's out of the car, Lily doesn't make a move towards her house. Instead, she leans against his car, looking upward at him.

It's cold. Their breath comes out in puffs between them, and James, suddenly unsure of what to do with his hands, uses the chill as an excuse to pocket them in his jacket.

"I think," she says after a moment, "if this was real, then this would be the part of the date where I wonder if you're going to kiss me goodnight."

James is certain he's misheard her.

He must have.

Either that, or he's misunderstanding her.

Because Lily couldn't possibly mean…

"What?" he asks, blinking. _Fuck him, _his voice nearly squeaks. "What do you mean?"

Her voice is steady, making him even more painfully aware of how his wavers. "In all the movies, the girl knows the date went well if the boy kisses her at the end." Lily reaches out for the sleeve of his jacket and pulls him a few inches closer. "Did it go well?"

"Oh," he says. Then, he catches her eyes flicker towards the lit windows of her house, so quickly he might have missed it. "_Oh."_

_Petunia, _he thinks. _Of course. _

Of course, _of course, _it's because Petunia is most likely watching them. Not because Lily actually _wants _to be kissed. Not because she actually wants _him _to kiss _her. _She just wants the satisfaction of pissing Petunia off.

He's a bit pathetic, James thinks, because while he knows it's not real - that _none _of this has been real - he can't stop himself from leaning down.

Softly, gently, at first, as though she is made of glass and may shatter at any moment, James presses his lips to hers.

And then something shifts.

James isn't sure whether it's something in his brain or the fact that she's tilted her head slightly and gasped into his mouth, but his hands suddenly know what to do. They untangle themselves from his jacket pockets and go, instead, to cup her face. She allows herself, for once, to let him guide her, backing her into the side of his car and pressing her there with his body weight.

There's something entirely _not fake _about the way she's kissing him back. About the way her lips feel against his. About the way she holds onto him like he's what keeps her standing. About the way she doesn't break away until someone calls her name from the front door.

"_Lily!" _cries a voice, shrill and piercing.

James blames it on his Lily-fogged state that he can't seem to place it.

"You need to come inside so I can actually lock the effing door and go to _bed! _Mom said I had to stay up and wait on you! Not that I had to watch you two suck face in the driveway!"

He doesn't get a good look at Lily's expression before it changes, her jaw set. Although she melted easily against him only seconds ago, now she's all hard edges.

"I'm saying goodnight," Lily calls stiffly. "I'll be there in a minute."

He hears Petunia grumble something about the neighbors and shuts the door loudly behind her.

In an instant, Lily's entire posture relaxes. Her eyes come back to him, but he can't read them. "James, I…" Lily considers for a second and shakes her head. "Thanks for everything. Have a good night."

"Um, yeah," he says, feeling at a loss and running a hand through his hair. "Any - any time."

_Idiot, _he thinks to himself. _Ask her about the kiss. Ask her if she felt it too._

But he doesn't ask her about anything.

Instead, he watches as she walks up her driveway, pausing at her door to give him a small wave before disappearing into her house.

And James, for the second or perhaps thirteenth time that day, thinks he is totally and royally _fucked. _


	4. Last Kiss

**Chapter Four: Last Kiss**

"_I roll my eyes, and then you pull me in. I'm not much for dancing, but for you I did."_

Lily can't sleep.

Her mind is a record player that won't turn off and keeps skipping on the same parts. Just as she thinks they are figuring it out, just as they're developing a pattern that's so easy to fall into, the ground shifts beneath her.

She wishes she could completely blame Petunia. If she's being honest, however, it's not anger at Petunia that keeps her awake.

Luckily, since their mother is at an event for work, she doesn't have to feel bad about raising her voice once she gets inside. She can funnel some of her confusion into frustration. She isn't entirely acting when she blames her sister for ruining the end of her date and only feels a little dramatic when she extends it to Petunia ruining _everything_.

For a second, everything was perfect, until -

But isn't this what she wanted?

Lily knew the downstairs light was on when she prompted James to kiss her. She knew her sister would be sitting inside and hoped Petunia would be nosy enough to peek through the curtains and try to see. She hoped that a kiss, _their _kiss, would be enough to get a reaction. All of that was the reason she lingered by the car and practically instructed him to kiss her.

Any other reason isn't what they discussed.

It's a game, she reminds herself. One that relies on both of them being convincing. They're both playing the parts of being desperately, ridiculously in love in the way only teenagers can be.

This feeling she can't describe means they're playing their parts well. So well that she's convinced herself that there's a slight chance, if things were marginally different, that this could be something other than what it is.

James has always been good at pulling her in and getting her more involved than she planned to be. He's the one who challenged her and pulled her in headfirst. He made all of their games seem real, simply because he was part of them.

_That _has to be why it felt like the kiss was something - something she knows it _isn't_.

Almost forgetting their previous agreement, Lily stops having a staring contest with his contact photo to frantically send a goodnight text to James. She's incapable of coming up with something clever, but Sirius probably will check this time, since it was their _first date_. He'll expect James' girlfriend to send something.

Playing the part of the perfect girlfriend is what she agreed to do, so she has to do it well.

Resolving to _stop_ the path of her thoughts, Lily tosses the phone aside and pulls up her covers. Despite her attempt to squeeze her eyes shut, she doesn't fall asleep. Uselessly, Lily attempts staring at the ceiling, fails to empty her mind, and gets up to pace. When not even _Pride and Prejudice _will distract her, she throws the book aside and decides that _not _thinking about it is only making it harder.

Five minutes. That's how long she'll allow.

For five minutes, she'll remember what it felt like to have his hands on her cheeks. How she didn't mind letting him lead and liked the way he pushed her back against the car door. How she didn't have to think and somehow _knew _what to do. How, as soon as his lips touched hers, everything felt inevitable.

Before, she didn't understand. Her limited experience with kissing made her rely on books and movies to figure out what she was supposed to be getting out of it. What kisses could be.

Kisses like _that_ must be the ones that cause people to write songs and stories. They're what convince people that it's worth sneaking out and finding somewhere private, just for the chance to feel it again.

They must be what makes everyone fall in love with James Potter.

Because that's what it is - what it has to be. She's a method actress who is taking the role too far. It's easy to act like (and maybe even think) she might be in love with James Potter because he's living his part - being the perfect person for the perfect version of herself to fall in love with.

That's what it is.

It isn't real.

He doesn't mean to do this and he doesn't have to try. James has always known how to twist a girl's heart the right way. He knows how to smile and run a hand through his hair and have half of the girls in school talking about him for the rest of the week. He knows how to make someone feel special with his choice.

Lily already messed this up once.

She's not going to do it again.

When the clock on her bedside tells her five minutes have passed, Lily rolls onto her side, closes her eyes, and is determined to play her part. She won't mess this up again.

* * *

_Eighth grade came with a new definition of freedom. _

_The world expanded past the neighborhood - to the ice cream shop, the store under the guise of helpfully running an errand, and anywhere a bike could go. The most exciting adventures no longer had to happen in the backyard._

_A thousand things changed at once, but they could hold on to what they knew. There were breakouts and growth spurts and feeling like a visitor in a new body. There was homework and responsibilities and the constant reminder that they should be preparing for high school._

_On the line between childhood and teenagerdom, new freedoms gave way for new desires to rebel - but only a little. _

_Conspiring to unlock the liquor cabinet but coming up with an excuse right before trying. Stretching the limits of the new concept of a curfew by walking in a minute early every night and giving vague answers when asked. Walking a little farther and going to the second-closest park, since the closest was always filled with children and their supervising parents. Staying after sunset, even if the sign warned that the park closed at dusk._

_The park held more potential once it got dark. There was something mysterious and forbidden about being in a normal place at a less-than-normal time. The thrill was doing something on the edge of not allowed._

_The May air was warm enough, even without the sun, to be comfortable. To make outside the best place to be when there were only so many places to go. _

_Of course, both of their mothers knew where to find them, if they needed, but they chose not to tell their children that part. It was fun not knowing. Being on their own while they still had someone to catch them. Taking the new doses of freedom and seeing where they could lead._

_Letting them roam on their own and find their way back._

"_James?" Lily called, peering under the slide to find him in an unannounced game of Hide and Seek he apparently decided to start. "Where'd you go?"_

"_You're as blind as a bat, Evans," said a voice from above. The sound of a pair of feet landed gracefully behind her a moment later. He had been on top of the tunneled slide. Again. "I might as well have a cloak of invisibility. You never notice me, even when I'm in plain sight."_

_Lily spun to face him. "Guess it's because I don't have four eyes like you," she countered, flicking the bridge of his glasses. _

"_Ouch!" he cried, dramatically, rubbing his nose. "Watch it! This is all part of my charm." _

"_Is that what it is? What prompted the grand entrance, anyway?"_

_He grinned at her before adjusting his glasses and straightening his posture. "When you're as grand_ _as me, Evans, you need a grand entrance."_

"_Sure," she replied, crossing her arms. "Or, more likely, you have some plan you know I'll have to be talked into." She surveyed him for a few seconds, as if a clue could be found in his appearance. "What is it?"_

"_Evans," he said, grinning more broadly. "What makes you think I have some sort of masterfully crafted, brilliant, ingenious plan for us today?"_

_She let out a short laugh at that. "How about my lifetime of experience? Let me judge the so-called brilliance of your ingenious plan, Potter."_

"_Evans," he said, his voice projecting and bouncing around the plastic of the playground slide. "Today I have a dare for you. A dare I'm half expecting you to turn down considering your… nature." His hand gestured over her frame, as if that provided enough background for his statement. _

_For a moment, she looked at him in disbelief before she recovered. "Is this because I wouldn't ride on the handlebars of Sirius' bike? I swear, he thinks that thing can actually fly."_

"_That thing _can _fly. If you believe in magic, which Sirius does," he said, rolling his eyes. "But no, it's not about the bike. It's about the fact that you can't so much as doodle on a school textbook without biting your nails."_

"_What do my -" Lily glanced down at her nails (clearly bitten short, as he said) and back up at him. "What are you talking about?"_

"_I'm talking," he said, digging around in his pocket and pulling out a small pocket knife, "about _this." _He held his hand out towards her, dropping the knife in her outstretched hand and smirking at her wrinkled brow. _

_Lily slowly turned the closed knife over in her hand. "And what exactly are you daring me to do with this?" Despite her skeptical expression, she made no move to hand it back to him._

"_Lily Evans, I dare you to carve something - be it our initials, an ode to me, your love for me, what have you - into _that _tree," he said, pointing behind her to a tree they had climbed nearly every day as children._

_She followed his finger and looked over her shoulder for a long moment before turning to face him again. Gripping the pocket knife by her side, Lily asked, "What do I get if I do it?"_

"_Anything you want, Evans," he said, grinning at her. "Anything at all."_

"_Okay, Potter," she answered after a moment, flipping out the knife and taking a step backward toward the tree. "I'll do it." _

_With that, Lily turned away from him and cut a line into the bark. Concentrating, she made each line deliberately, except for the last, which she used to underline her work with a flourish. Once she finished the message, she took a step back and let her hand with the knife hang by her side._

_LE + JP_

_BFFs_

"_Do I pass?"_

_He peered at the tree, squinting for dramatics or poor eyesight. "Not bad, Evans, not bad. I'd wager that you pass. Surprised you didn't put up more of a fight, if I'm being honest. 'Save the trees' and all that jazz you were into last year."_

"_As long as we don't peel off _all _the bark," she was quick to add. "It should be fine. I'm sure it's seen worse." Lily closed the knife and held it back out to him. "Besides, your initials are there too, if anyone asks."_

"_Taking me down with you, eh?" he teased, flicking her scrunched up nose. "You held up your end on the dare. What will you have me do now?"_

_There was a slight pause. _

"_I have a dare for you, James Potter," Lily said, voice losing some of its teasing note. "But you can say no."_

"_When have I ever said no to a dare, Evans?"_

"_James." Her voice was suddenly more serious. Lily found a bench and sat, waiting for him to sit next to her before continuing and keeping her eyes on his. She had to make herself say it before she thought of a dozen reasons why she shouldn't. "I dare you to kiss me."_

"_What?" he asked, clearly surprised. "Kiss you? Like, on the mouth?"_

"_Like a first kiss. My first kiss," Lily said, words starting to tumble over each other in a rush. "I've been thinking about it. About how everyone is going to ask me and have some story about theirs. And I want a good memory. Something I can look back on and… Shouldn't it be with someone I know, someone I trust?" At some point, she put her hand over his on the bench between them. "And there's no one I know better than you, James, no one I trust more."_

_James looked down at their hands, hers clasping onto his so tightly. "It would - it would be my_ _first kiss too, you know. I've never actually - I'm not even sure that I'm any good at it."_

"_That's okay," she answered sincerely, managing a small smile and trying to meet his gaze again. "Because it's you and me. For both us of it can be something that we don't have to worry about anymore. Something nice. But if you don't want to, James, we don't have to. I can come up with another dare or forget about the whole thing or -"_

"_No," he said, suddenly, forcefully, cutting her off in the process. "No, I've never turned down a dare before. Besides, more than that - I like the thought of… everything_ _you just said. About it being meaningful for both of us, about how it will be a good memory and not wasted on someone else. About trusting me. I trust you too, Lily." He paused for a moment, swallowing before looking her in the eye with a half smile. "But please don't tell Sirius I said any of this. He'll never let me live it down."_

_Lily scooted closer to him on the bench while he talked. By the time he finished and met her eyes again, her smile had grown. "It'll be our secret." She reached for his other hand and squeezed them both. "So, how do we do this?"_

"_I believe," he said, his eyes flickering to her parted lips, "we start with you closing your eyes."_

_Lily closed them, tilting her chin up at the same time._

"_Then," he said, brushing some hair behind her ear and allowing his hand to drift down and settle at the nape of her neck, his fingers feeling oddly steady. "You tilt your head just so…"_

_Her head shifted at his prompting, almost as if he had placed an enchantment over her. _

"_And I tilt mine…" he continued, his voice a whisper but somehow closer. "And then…"_

_And then…_

_And then…_

_Lips brushing, mouths parting… _

_Neither one of them had ever been kissed before, but somehow they knew that this was right. That they were doing it right. Properly. _

_When they parted, it was impossible to know whether it had been a few seconds or several minutes. Impossible to know who moved first or what, exactly, changed in that moment. _

_They both looked at each other, trying to let their breaths steady._

"_Well?" he asked, still sounding out of breath._

_Lily smiled and squeezed his hand again. "I think it was perfect."_

* * *

James isn't able to sleep.

He's _tried. _

He's tossed and turned for hours now, but instead of managing to ease his mind, he's only worked himself into an uncomfortable, sweaty state underneath the thickness of his winter quilt.

He flops over on his back, throwing a hand behind his head, and blinking through the darkness. His vision is blurry without his glasses, but he doesn't need them to be able to see that sleep will not be finding him tonight.

His head is still spinning and his lips are burning where Lily's own touched them hours before.

He wonders, stupidly perhaps, if she must hate him after the kiss. Which is a ridiculous thought. She _asked _to be kissed. Though, most likely, she wasn't expecting to be kissed in quite the way in which he had done.

A peck, perhaps, and not with everything in him.

But he isn't sure that it's even possible to kiss Lily Evans any other way.

She's not the type of girl that you kiss simply.

James shuts his eyes so tight that little floaters burst from behind his eyelids.

He had known that kissing Lily Evans could be like… _that. _He had done it before. Just _once_ before. But that had been years ago.

His brain had done the whole survival mode thing after more than a few months of being hung up over the way kissing Lily Evans felt. After a while of not being able to even function, he had decided to not even think about the memory anymore. Blindfolding it, gagging it, giving it a few kicks for good measure, he had shoved it so far back in the dark corners of his teenage mind that he had doubts that it really had been as elaborate as he made it out to be.

He was - _is _\- dramatic, you see. His mother tells him so daily, and he's inclined to believe her because his mother is anything but a liar. She's got a good name, his mother does. The only thing that could possibly soil it is James himself - something she's _also _told him - and he's not one for dragging his mother's name through the mud.

So while he _is_ quite dramatic, he was not, apparently, being dramatic about the way kissing Lily Evans had felt so long ago.

Still felt, apparently.

It's like waking up. Like taking a deep breath under water and allowing it to fill your lungs. Like quickly trying to touch the burning end of a candle, even with the possibility of getting burnt, _just _to know what it felt like.

It's a religious experience, kissing Lily Evans. It's like finding his purpose in life. As though his whole reason for existing is for him to be kissing Lily Evans for the rest of his - of _her _life.

And James, though he hadn't properly thought of it before, finds himself suddenly religious. At least when it comes to Lily Evans. He'd been baptized in her waters years ago, he thought, and _god _what a cheesy line. But good. Still good. He'll have to write that one down in his journal.

But later, he thinks, as the sound of his phone buzzing stirs him from his dramatic thoughts.

* * *

Lily loves their usual routine enough to be glad that she doesn't have to interrupt it the next morning. They don't have a Saturday routine (yet, she tells herself), so she can't ruin it. Hopefully, by the time it's Monday morning again, they'll be able to go back to what she's quickly decided is her favorite way to start the day.

As much as part of her would like to skip this part, where they have to talk about feelings that might reveal more than she would like, they _have _to talk about what happened last night. What happened at the end of their date. The only way this can work is by discussing their boundaries and lines.

That's what they promised each other.

They have to be able to talk. James deserves a friend - and fake girlfriend - who can have a mature conversation. Avoiding things is what let her ruin everything the first time. Plus, she isn't even quite sure those feelings still there. Maybe she's just remembering what they felt like.

Practicality overrides her squeamishness at potentially revealing something. After checking that his car is in the driveway, Lily sends a text message.

_swing set in 10? miss you xo_

While she waits for enough minutes to pass, Lily checks that her uneasy night of sleep isn't obvious in the mirror. Considering how many times she tossed and turned throughout the night, she doesn't think it looks _too_ obvious. There's some darkness under her eyes, but she can pass that off as normal. Every high schooler lacks some of the sleep they need.

After uselessly fiddling with her hair for too long, she turns away to pulls on her boots and his letterman jacket. It's quickly becoming a staple of her wardrobe, and she keeps hoping that he doesn't ask for it back.

Her knack for punctuality finds Lily nudging the ground with the toe of her boot from her place on a swing in his backyard almost exactly ten minutes after she sent the message asking for a meeting.

The swing set is solid ground. It's a comfortable spot full of memories that has history for their relationship - both real and fake. Even more important, it presents one of the few places they can talk without too much threat of a nosy sister or suspicious best friend listening.

"Hey," says a voice from behind her, pulling her out of her thoughts.

James.

He's got a stupid beanie hat on that's threatening to pop off from the sheer wildness of his hair, and his glasses are slightly askew. On anyone else, it might make her roll her eyes. But he's always attractively disheveled, she thinks. It's really unfair.

"You okay?"

Lily wonders if it's just her cloudy mind, imagining things that aren't there, but his voice sounds a bit rougher.

The sight of him makes her cheek twitch in the beginning of a smile. "Of course," she answers, absolutely not willing to be anything _but_ okay.

Over the course of the night, she shoved a series of thoughts to the back of her mind, where they're going to stay. In his bedroom, they said that they would check on boundaries and perfect their plan, so her urge to see him before doing anything else doesn't have to _mean_ anything.

This is just a conversation like the ones they promised to have.

Lily gently shakes the chain of the swing next to hers to encourage him to sit. "I wanted to see you. To talk about how last night went and… anything else you think we need to talk about." Lily pushes back to make herself swing slightly. "They say the secret to a good relationship is communication." The last part is an attempt at a joke, but it falls a little flat to her own ears.

"Ahh," groans James, throwing himself into the swing next to her. "I think I know what this is about."

"Oh, yeah?" She doesn't know if she sounds worried or like she's teasing him, and she's honestly unsure which version she means him to hear.

"Yeah," says James, rubbing the back of his neck. "Listen, Lily, I'm really sorry about the kiss. I mean - I'm not sorry for it in the way that I'm sorry it happened. Because I'm not, you know. Sorry it happened, that is. It was good. _More _than good, really. But I shouldn't have kissed you like _that."_

His reaction should have told her as much, but the words give her a boost of confidence and new color on her cheeks. James isn't _that _good of an actor. He pushed her against his car and fit so well against her for more than Petunia's benefit.

She knows he liked the kiss too.

"No." Lily shakes her head. "You don't have to be sorry. It _was_ more than good." There's a minor twinge somewhere around her heart, but she shoves it aside. "I'm not sorry it happened either." She shrugs and hopes her tone stays casual whens she adds, "Couples kiss, don't they?"

"Yes," says James, twisting his swing so the chains groan and he's facing her. There's something in his eyes that's shifting, though Lily's unsure of what but she sees besides herself in the reflection of his glasses. "Yes, they do."

It's an opening.

No matter what, they have an agreement that she's going to honor. It was her idea, and she's going to meet their goal.

That doesn't mean they can't _like _kissing each other.

The same way she likes holding his hand and teasing Sirius and getting a ride to school and pretending to be the center of his universe. It's all supposed to be fun, isn't it? Kissing can be another fun thing they happen to do together.

"What if..." she starts before she can lose her courage. "What if it's something we just _do?_ As part of this whole thing. Since, you know, it's what couples do. And we both liked it and it's fun."

A beat passes.

"Yeah, okay. And, theoretically speaking, people would get suspicious if we didn't kiss." James adds this and tilts himself closer to her. "I mean, what sort of couple doesn't even kiss?"

She can't help herself when she leans forward on the swing to contribute to the rapidly shrinking space between them. "Exactly."

"People wouldn't believe us, you know. If we didn't kiss. As long as you're really okay with being kissed like that. You are, aren't you?" James' breath is coming out in little puffs between them, but Lily is so close she can feel the heat of them on her own lips.

"Yeah," she answers quietly, knowing he can hear her and feeling a bit like this can't be her actual life. Sitting on James Potter's swing set. With James looking at her like that. Asking if she's okay with being kissed until her head spins. "I'm more than okay with that."

"Excellent," he says, and she can hear more than see the grin on his face. They're impossibly close now. "New rule added, then? Potter and Evans are the type of couple who kiss?"

"Yes," she confirms, emboldened. Tilting her head slightly, she can't help but let her eyes flicker to his mouth for a split second. "To be a convincing Class Couple."

"Of course," he says. Almost smirks, really. There's an air of arrogance in his voice that makes her spine tingle. "Do you want to write it down, or should we kiss on it to make it official?"

"I'll remember to write it down later. We can make it official now."

Nothing, not even Petunia disrupting them, could tug her away from this spot. Not with James mere inches away and looking like he's won some big prize.

"Splendid."

It's an odd word to cause such a reaction within her. A hundred little butterflies seem to erupt inside her stomach, fluttering about and making her feel as though she could float away. James anchors her, though, as he always seems to do, by snaking a hand behind her head and closing the very small gap between them.

It's only been a few hours since he last kissed her, but it's still a shock when their lips meet again.

Somehow, she didn't exaggerate the kiss overnight. It wasn't just her overactive imagination that told her that she found a perfect thing. It's so easy to lean into him, to match his movements. To wonder why she hasn't come up with an excuse to kiss him over and over again before this.

Her whole body is warm and charged, despite the cool bite of January air around them. She doesn't want to think about anything other than the soft press of James' hands and the warmth of his mouth on hers.

If this is how couples - even pretend ones - spend their time, she'll have no problem passing the months until Prom. She already wants to make a habit of kissing James Potter.

Reluctantly, she knows the moment can't go on forever.

Luckily, however, their new rule means this won't be the last time.

The chains creak when Lily pulls back, though she's not willing to go far. Her heart is hammering in her ears, and her cheeks almost hurt from the combination of sudden cold and matching his grin, but she can't bring herself to care.

"I think it's official now."


	5. Jump Then Fall

**Chapter Five: Jump Then Fall**

"_I like the way I can't keep my focus. I watch you talk. You didn't notice."_

Every morning is more or less the same.

James wakes up, checks his phone for a _good morning _text message (complete with a string of emojis) that has been sent exactly thirty minutes prior from Evans, all while very nearly falling out of bed while grinning like an absolute fool with his phone pushing against his forehead.

And then he looks at himself in the mirror and says to himself, "What would Lily Evans' boyfriend wear today, I wonder?"

Which is an odd question.

But he's an odd sort of boy.

Something both his mother and Lily have told him.

His oddity is further exemplified, because sometimes, just _sometimes, _he'll pretend that the mirror is speaking back to him, stating, "Why, whatever _you _decide to wear today, dearie. After all, you _are _her boyfriend. Certainly not fake at all."

Which is a silly thing. Because mirrors don't talk, and even if they did, James seriously doubts they would use such a ridiculous high-pitched voice like the one he reserves inside his own head for them.

A low, grumbly sort of _mew _disrupts James from his thoughts on talking mirrors and Lily Evans. James turns to see Sir Purr, his ever faithful gray and black striped tabby cat, staring back at him with a look of mere tolerance of his human's presence from his place on the bed.

"Alright then," says James, quirking an eyebrow at the feline. "What's got your whiskers in a twist?"

Sir Purr blinks slowly, his green eyes looking rather cloudy and bored.

"What do you _mean _you think I'm in over my head?" asks James, blinking back. "I know exactly what I'm doing!"

The twitching of Sir Purr's left ear is the only response James gets, but he suspects it's meant in outrage.

"Okay, alright, I'll _admit _that if I didn't have this whole thing totally under control - _which I do, by the way - _this situation with Lily could end very, very badly -"

A yawn escapes the cats lips, exposing his teeth and his boredom with James.

"- but it's _not _going to end badly! Every single day I'm making progress with her. Every single day I'm closer than I was before to being her not fake boyfriend. To being her very real, very devoted, _actual boyfriend_."

James stretches the last word out, as though it's the very hope he's clinging to, and he wonders if he is imagining the curving of his cat's lips into a mocking smile.

Furious with a _cat _of all things, he turns, running a hand through his hair, and then grins in spite of himself. Lily's light is on, as it's probably been for an hour now, since she doesn't wait until the last few minutes to get started on her day. She's braiding her hair, her nose scrunched up in concentration, and James' grin widens at the fact that he no longer has to ask to place a kiss at the tip of her nose.

He grabs a sharpie and a piece of paper, aware that he will be seeing her in five minutes, but still not stopping himself from scribbling out a note and taping it on his window.

_Remember the time in fifth grade when I snipped part of your braid off with a pair of scissors? _

She notices him right away, and he wonders briefly if she was looking at him just a moment before. She rolls her eyes and ties off her braid before writing her own note back.

_Before picture day - you owe me, Potter_

James snorts. Actually _snorts. _

_Don't I always? See you outside._

_As long as you don't bring scissors xo_

"See?" says James proudly to Sir Purr, who has made himself comfortable on James' bed again. "Everything is totally under control."

His cat is asleep before he even walks out the door.

* * *

High school is _different_ as James Potter's girlfriend.

Before, she darted from her bedroom to the bathroom several times, catching the free seconds when her sister wasn't using the shared space and ensuring that she didn't have an excuse to leave without her. She threw her things together and checked five times to make sure she had her completed homework assignments, since Petunia always wanted to leave on a second's notice, whenever she decided she was ready.

Now, Lily eagerly waits in her house with her bag packed at her feet, long enough that James has to press on the horn to call her down. She's ready on time every morning - making a point of finding her phone in the dark early enough to send James a text before he wakes up - but ignoring that to see Petunia's sour expression when she goes into the kitchen to pick up her lunch box is worth it.

Before, when they got to school, she would stumble out of Petunia's car by the drop-off entrance, tugging her backpack onto her shoulder and hoping she had everything she needed for the day. Her older sister had a habit of leaning over to pull the door shut and driving off before Lily could turn around to wish her a good day.

Now, she teases James for hurrying out of the car to open her door and hands over his own forgotten backpack. In view of the rest of the students who are lucky enough to have their own cars or secure rides from those who do, Lily slips her hand into James' and, with a burst of confidence that his touch inspires, moves onto her toes to kiss his cheek.

Only a month ago, she could go through the normal morning motions without attracting much attention. She could slip into first period, make a few jokes with Benjy during class, and meet up with Mary before second period. Her best friend would loop their arms together and fill her in on everything she missed since they saw each other the previous day.

Now, she might be stopped half a dozen times before she makes it to Ms. McGonagall's class. When James' fingers are tangled with hers, everyone wants to talk to her. They ask about boring things, demanding updates about small details that no one wanted to know before she started dating the high school quarterback.

In only a few weeks, she's gotten particularly good at giggling and looking up at James when she doesn't know what to say.

Being with James - laughing with him, talking to him - is as second nature as breathing.

Being _popular _is not. That, more than always being by James' side or holding his hand or kissing when the moment feels right, is what takes adjustments. Being popular is what will get her what they're after, though, she tells herself, so she can't exactly complain about the results. Plus, with James around, she's willing to entertain dozens of questions about what she uses in her hair or where she found her dress.

Still, she's glad to admit, some things are the same. She still meets up with Mary before second period every day, giving her a chance to let out a breath she didn't know she was holding.

Mary bypasses any form of normal greeting. "Did you know Hestia Jones is claiming to be your best friend now?"

"What?"

"Mhm," Mary hums, offering Lily a peanut butter cracker from the packet she hid in her purse for the long hours between the first bell and lunch. "Apparently, the two of you hang out all the time in her parents' new indoor pool, and you spill all sorts of dirty details about Potter."

"I do not."

Mary rolls her eyes and slams her locker closed. "Of course, _I _know that, idiot. You're too busy spilling all of the dirty details to _me_."

"Shut up," says Lily, nudging her friend's arm with her stack of books, though she's smiling. "There are no dirty details to share. Did you set her straight?"

"Nah. Thought it might be more fun to do it later." Mary has a mischievous glint in her eye when she adds innocently, "Maybe at Hannah Holiday's party this weekend."

Lily scoffs. "How are we getting invited to _that_?"

It's not that she's ordinarily unpopular, exactly. People - besides Petunia - don't go out of their way to bully her or make high school miserable. There's a few comments here and there, but she doesn't live in fear of walking through the door every morning. Most of her time is spent with members of the same clubs and honors classes that make a small but content circle. She's never been invited to the kind of party they include in all the wild movies about high school.

"Because you, Lily Evans, have a golden ticket to any party in this whole school."

"What are you talking about?"

"_James_."

With all the changes that came from being James' girlfriend, Lily hasn't really considered this. More people are paying attention to her, sure, but she hasn't really thought about what that attention might mean, beyond the original goal. She hadn't fully thought that it might fundamentally change the way she's been doing high school for the past three and a half years.

Mary could be right. Is James expected at these kind of gatherings?

"You're ridiculous," Lily dismisses, rounding the corner towards their next class. "Besides, he hasn't said anything about a party, so I don't know what he has to do with -"

"Last minute plans, I hear. She only started telling everyone about it this morning. He probably hasn't had a chance to ask you," Mary answers quickly. "Honestly, do you miss _everything_, Lils? Holiday's parents are going to some emergency marriage counseling trip. I guess her mom caught her dad with a _friend_ this week. They left her the house for the weekend."

"So she's having a party? And you think we should go?"

"I bet your new bestie would _love _to see you there."

Lily puts a hand on her hip. "Would my _actual_ bestie like to see me there?"

Mary turns away and looks preoccupied by fidgeting with her hair to make it lay properly by the side of her face. "It could be fun," Mary offers, as if it's not important to her. From the way she glances at her out of the corner of her eye and away, however, Lily can tell that it is.

"You really want to go to this thing?" Lily puts a hand on Mary's arm and pulls them both to a stop a few steps away from the classroom door. She checks her watch quickly, but they have a minute or two before the late bell will ring.

Mary shrugs, but one corner of her mouth is already turned into a half-smirk. "Why not, Lils? It's our senior year. We should take some chances. New experiences are good for you."

Lily levels a cool gaze at her for only a few seconds before cracking. "Okay, fine," she says, rolling her eyes like her best friend is the oddest person she knows. "I'll ask him about it."

"Thanks, love!" Mary squeezes her in a quick hug and flounces into the classroom, claiming their usual seats in the middle like nothing unusual happened.

Mary knows to quit when she's ahead.

Even with Mary sitting beside her for the whole next class, practically vibrating in anticipation, it passes pretty quickly. It's too early in the semester - and college acceptances still haven't arrived in the mail - for senioritis to crush them too intensely.

Then the bell rings, and it's time for lunch.

This has also become a new wrinkle in their routine. Before, she waited in the line with Mary, even on the days where she packed something, and found the end of a table to claim as theirs. Now, she still waits in line with her friend most days, but they have new table spots.

Lily slides into the seat next to James, putting her hand over his and squeezing to announce her presence. "Hey, everyone," she greets and turns to James with a smile she doesn't have to fake. "Missed you."

"Evans," he greets in turn, grinning. Her name is a low, rumbling sound in the back of his throat. Almost like a growl. It tints her cheeks pink and causes a laugh to bubble out of her own mouth when she thinks how much higher pitched his screams are when she spooks him. "How was your morning?"

"It was alright," she answers, ignoring the way Mary coughs into her yogurt. She turns back to the rest of the table, ignoring the sparks that travel up her fingers when James' hand moves under hers. "I was thinking we should all do something this weekend."

"Oh yeah," he says, covering his mouth with his hand and chewing on a bite of sandwich. Even _that _is somehow attractive, damn him. "What'd you have in mind?"

"Um," Lily starts, aware of Mary's expectations and the weight of Sirius' gaze on her. "There has to be something we could all do. Maybe -"

"I heard there's some big party this weekend," Mary interrupts, clearly thinking her friend is incapable of asking herself. Admittedly, she may be right. "Holiday, or someone, has their house to themselves?"

Mary could rival Petunia on the dramatics. She gestures with her spoon, shrugging and looking like she's searching her mind for details, rather than using a carefully thought-out strategy. She should have known Mary was plotting something when she was so quiet in class.

Lily kicks her under the table, but that doesn't deter her.

"She invited us this morning during Government," says James, stretching his arm across the back of her chair. He looks at Lily, a single eyebrow quirked. "I didn't think you'd want to go, though. I mean - do you?"

"It could be fun," Lily answers, determinedly ignoring Mary by turning to face James. Despite her efforts to ignore her friend, it's her reasoning that she leans on for why she might want to go to a type of party where she's never been. "I mean, why not? It's our senior year and…" She leans forward, tilting her chin back to hold his gaze. "I'll have you to keep me company."

Someone on the other side of the table muffles a snort, but Lily doesn't move to figure out who.

"Are you sure? I mean - yeah, I'll keep you company alright," he says, grinning. "But I could keep you company doing _other _things too."

"Oh _God," _groans Sirius, choking on a bit of chicken. "We're right here!"

Remus helpfully thumps him on the back, but it doesn't make James hesitate. "Not like _that, _Sirius!" hisses James. "I meant like a movie or something!"

"Sure you did," says Sirius, safe from the perils of chicken. He shifts his gaze to Lily. "Listen, Evans. Holiday's party… I don't really think that's going to be your _scene, _per say. No offense."

Although her cheeks still burn from his previous comment, Lily whips her head around to face him. "What does _that _mean, Black? Afraid that being seen with me will ruin your reputation?"

Sirius laughs, outright _laughs _in her face, causing her breath to hitch in her throat from anger.

"No, no," he says, smiling so widely she can see his canines. "Nothing like that. I simply mean that I don't think you have been to a party since that game of Spin the Bottle in middle school, and well, things have changed. It's not the typical stuff you would get into as captain of the debate team and what have you."

That's what he thinks. Like Petunia, he doesn't think she's a girl who is capable of snagging a boy like James Potter and rising to the top of high school. He shoved her into a box during the summer between middle and high school and doesn't think she can fit back into their new playset. He thinks the idea of her even going to a party, let alone looking comfortable at one, is laughable.

The challenge - since she knows this is something of a game to Sirius - can't go unanswered. Even if they don't remember how to be friends (yet, anyway, she tells herself), he remembers how to push the right buttons to make her react.

It's worse because he doesn't know the main reason that particular incident makes her fingers curl so her nails dig into her palm.

"Well, Black, like you said, 'things have changed.'" Across from her, Mary's eyes grow wide and her yogurt goes ignored, but Lily has Sirius in her sights. "If it's where my _boyfriend_ goes on Friday night, that's where you'll find me." With a straight back and her chin held high, she turns back to the boy sitting next to her. "James, will you go to Holiday's party with me?"

He doesn't make her wait.

"Sure thing, Lils," says James, though his eyes are also fixed towards Sirius. "I'd love to take you."

She can practically feel her head swelling in victory. She doesn't need to see Sirius' expression to know that she won this round.

In a fit of daring, inspired by the heat on her face and racing of her heartbeat, Lily lifts a hand to James' cheek. Gently, she coaxes him to face her. His hardened expression only meets hers for a second before she props herself up and presses her lips to his.

It's only for a brief moment, but that's apparently all it takes for James' jaw to relax under her fingertips and the curve of his smile to return to his lips, still pressed so very tightly to her own.

If she needed a boost of confidence to face Sirius or the party or anything else, this spark would be enough. The lightning it inspires races down to her toes. It's a second heady shot of adrenaline that makes her thankful for the solid bench beneath her and James' steady arm by her shoulders.

When she pulls away, eyes blazing as she attempts to catch her breath, nothing about her smile is forced. In the last few seconds, their ordinary lunch cafeteria has taken on a shining quality she hasn't seen before in the linoleum and tables.

"So," Mary says, quirking her brow and taking another bite of yogurt. It draws Lily's attention away from James to the look on her best friend's face that suggests that she knows too much. "I guess we have plans Friday night."


	6. Ready For It?

**Chapter Six: … Ready for It?**

"_Baby, let the games begin."_

As frustrated as James is with his best friend at the moment, he has to admit that the other boy had a point at their lunch table. Things _have _changed since their middle school days of Spin the Bottle, in more ways than one.

James finds himself feeling nearly sick to his stomach over it.

Not that James actually _goes_ to as many parties lately, but he thinks that he has gone to enough to know that it's _not_ Lily Evans' scene. A quiet night at home baking or watching a movie… _that _is more like Evans.

Not watching Sirius do keg stand after keg stand and then carrying him home several hours later and tucking him into bed. Honestly, he's surprised that his best friend hasn't nearly died of alcohol poisoning at this point.

Not that that would be _everyone's _party experience, but it has been James' for awhile now.

James sighs as he pulls into Lily's driveway before blowing on the horn with less gusto than he normally does in the mornings.

He knows _why _she's doing this, of course.

To build their reputation. To establish themselves as _that _couple. Not because she actually _wants _to go. And, he suspects, Mary has something to do with it. He doesn't actually _know _Mary all that well, really. She moved here their first year of high school and hit it off with Lily while he and Lily were falling apart.

But sometimes he catches Mary looking at him.

Not in that way, with _the look _like some of the other girls give him when he's walking down the hallway in his letterman jacket or ruffling his hair out of habit. Rather, she looks at him like she's trying to figure him out. Like she's trying to figure _him and Lily _out, more specifically.

Something tells him that Mary might be able to figure out more than he'd like.

The Evans' front porch light flickers on, causing a few moths to scatter around it, and his thoughts are shaken from Mary. They're focused instead on Lily, who has just walked out of her front door. With a smile of recognition that takes over her entire expression, she waves when she spots his car in the driveway. She turns around quickly, animatedly talking to someone inside the house. James' eyes skim down her back and his letterman jacket over her shoulders, stopping at the edge.

Instantly, he notes that those are _definitely _not the jeans Lily wears to school every day.

He looks up at the back of her head again, as if she'll catch him in the act, in time to see Lily's best friend shut the door behind her and hurry down the driveway to catch up with her.

Lily gets to the car first with enough time to open the passenger side, sit down, and close the door quickly. "Hey," she greets, a little breathless and looking adorably apologetic. "Sorry, I didn't warn you. Mary stopped by to get ready, and I didn't -"

"Potter!" Mary calls as one of the back doors opens. She slides to the middle of the backseat and leans into the space between the driver and passenger seats.

"Macdonald!" James shouts back.

He's not sure why he's yelling, but it's still not nearly as loud as the white noise inside his own head. If Lily's jeans weren't enough to drive him mad, the top underneath his jacket is. It's as tight as her jeans and far more daring and low cut than anything she's ever worn before.

Black is a dangerous color.

Especially on Lily.

James' hand twitches on the steering wheel.

"Put your seat belt on, Mary," Lily admonishes, though James can hear the affection in her tone.

"Okay, okay." Her friend moves to the seat behind him, meaning he can only see part of her face in the rear view mirror.

"Like I was saying, Mary surprised me and dropped by to help me get ready. I didn't have a chance to text you… I hope it's okay?"

"Of course," James says, his voice slightly hoarse. He clears his throat, hoping they don't notice, but he sees Mary smirk in the mirror.

It's not unusual for James to become flustered around Lily. In fact, it's very common.

The problem is, whenever James enters flustered territory, he ends up making a fool out of himself. If the first few minutes are any indication, he's certain that he's going to make a mockery of himself of the most catastrophic proportions tonight.

If Lily notices the catch in his voice, she doesn't point it out.

"If my mom asks, by the way," she says, "you know Hannah's parents and they _definitely _know about this. Parent approved and everything." Lily smooths her hands over her legs and those distracting jeans.

"Don't be so nervous, Lils," Mary says from the backseat, leaning against the door enough that her face is hidden from James' view. "I think, as teenagers, we're _supposed _to rebel a little bit. It'll be fun."

"I'm not nervous," she answers. Lily busies her hands with his phone, as if it's another morning on the way to school and she wants to critique his music selection. "On the plus side," Lily adds, mostly ignoring Mary and not looking up from the screen, "I don't have a curfew tonight."

James quirks an eyebrow.

It feels like bait being placed before him, dangling in the form of Lily Evans in tight jeans and no curfew. The thought of having Lily to himself all night suddenly makes him wish they were doing something with their night other than going to a party at Hannah Holiday's house. It makes his head spin.

Curse his teenage hormones.

"Are you guys having a sleepover after the party, then?"

He's somehow both hoping she'll say no and yes.

No, because he wants her all to _himself_ because he's a teenage boy.

Yes, because he wants her all to himself _because_ he's a teenage boy.

"I didn't even know we were giving Mary a ride until she showed up on my doorstep and told me I needed to change in order to be seen in public with her," Lily answers teasingly, turning her head to make a face at Mary in the backseat. "Not sure we have after plans."

"I don't know about you, Evans," Mary counters, propping her feet on the console. "Maybe I'll be too busy because Holiday will invite me to the after-party as her new best friend and let me raid her closet."

Lily scoffs and leans back in her seat. "As if you could last more than five minutes alone with Hannah Holiday as company." She cuts a glance across the car at James. "Sorry," she says, catching herself and wincing. "I heard you're friends with her."

James snorts. "When have you ever seen me hanging out with Hannah Holiday?"

"You _did _get invited to her party, Potter," Mary says. "Plus, there were all those rumors a few months ago about -"

"Those don't matter," Lily interrupts, putting a hand over his on the gear shift and letting her hair fall over her cheek. "Not now, anyway."

"What rumors?" asks James, but he's met with only a laugh from Mary and blaring music as they pull into Hannah Holiday's neighborhood.

Cars are lined up, parked not so gracefully in the Holidays' driveway and yard, spilling into the street. James barely manages to find a spot two houses down before Mary hops out, grinning.

Lily, though, remains seated. She looks over her shoulder to check that Mary isn't really paying attention before she turns back to him. "Is there anything specific I should know or do while we're in there?"

"No, not really," says James before running a hand through his hair. "Well, yes, actually. Don't take anything Sirius offers you to drink. He thinks he's a bartender, but really whatever he mixes together ends up tasting awful."

"Noted. Especially since he hasn't decided that he likes me again yet." Lily makes a face but covers it quickly with a smile. "You have to promise not to abandon me in there, since it's not my usual thing and all."

"Evans," says James, offering her his hand and lacing their fingers together. "I would never."

She takes his hand and leans in toward him. "I'll hold you to that, Potter."

Before she can say or do anything else, however, there's an insistent tapping on the car window that pulls her away, her fingers still locked with his but her attention on her friend's half-smirk.

"Come on, lovebirds," Mary taunts when Lily pushes the passenger side door open with her foot. "I'm sure there will be plenty of places to be alone inside, if that's what you want, but let's make our appearance first, yeah?"

"We're coming," Lily answers, stepping out of the car and shutting the door behind her. "Maybe I _will _leave you with Holiday."

Mary grins at her. "You love me."

Lily looks down at her outfit and smooths her hands over her thighs again, like she isn't quite used to wearing it. Which she _isn't_, he knows, since James would remember if she wore those same jeans before tonight. She straightens and tucks her phone in her back pocket, looking at him and holding her hand out for him to take again.

"Ready?"

* * *

Once the door opens, the party hits Lily like the camera pan in all of the teen movies she has watched for years. Dozens of students in modified versions of what they wear to school, loud music that practically shakes the windows of the house, and Hannah's over-charged smile hit her all at once.

Luckily, she has James' hand firmly in hers.

Really, he should be the one asking if she is ready, but his vow is better than that. He has been here before and knows more of what to expect, while Lily is relying on a questionable store of media depictions to lead the way.

Honestly, though, Lily is probably _never _going to be fully ready for this.

Not that she doesn't _want _to be there. No one needed to drag or prod her to go, not really, when the opportunity presented itself.

It's a little bit of proving something to Sirius, a little bit of making her best friend happy, a little bit of experiencing something while she can, and a little bit of an excuse to show off and hold onto her (fake) boyfriend.

It fits in perfectly with their plan. A picture-perfect way to show the whole school that they're a couple - _the _couple - and not just a rumor.

How should James Potter's girlfriend act at a party?

Eyes immediately find them when they walk in together. Lily knows, no matter what else happens, that it was a good decision if their goal was to make themselves known. People are already talking, and now they've given them more of a reason to talk.

Hannah's smile stays in place, but it's slightly forced when she sees their interlocked hands and looks back up, fingers still on the open door. "Hey, James," she greets, adopting the enthusiastic tone of a tour guide. "Everyone. Come in!"

"Hi, Hannah," Lily answers, tossing her hair proudly and accompanied by a spike of guilt for the way her connection to James makes her feel more powerful. As if having a boy by her side is the only thing she needed to change from her usual self to the kind of girl who unquestioningly belongs in the middle of every social event. She shoves it aside, trying to turn the feeling into inspiration.

"I can't give you the full tour right now," Hannah says, pushing the door closed once they're inside and gesturing to the level of activity that's keeping her busy. "You know how it is." She smirks, knowing very well that Lily has no idea what it's like to throw a party like this. "I think James knows his way around, though?"

Her brow lifts, and Lily knows it's the teenage girl version of a challenge. A way of subtly saying something that no one can call out directly. It unlocks a need in Lily - the need to prove that she is the one on James' arm and not this person, who thinks her shiny hair and history of getting what she wants will win him.

She'll take it. Party Lily isn't the usual Lily. She wears tight jeans that Mary brought with her and participates in the backhanded games found in mean girl movies. It's like playing a character - a dialed up version of herself who hooked James Potter, can't keep her hands off him, and wants everyone to know.

"Oh, we're fine," she assures Hannah. Lily looks up at James, moving closer so their shoulders brush and her wide eyes meet his. "I'm sure we'll find our way," she says in a sugary-sweet voice that isn't quite her own.

Mary coughs behind them, so she knows it's at least a decent job.

"Yeah, we're more than fine," says James looking at her with such a lovesick expression that Lily is certain Sirius would vomit if he had front row seats to it. "Perfect, really. We probably won't be staying for that long, anyway. Just enough so people get used to seeing us together, so they know who to vote for. You know, for prom court."

He turns to grin at Hannah, the kind Lily knows from previous years of experience is meant to torment the person it's turned on.

It works, as the cup Hannah's clutching caves in from her too-tight grasp, sloshing beer across her too-pressed blouse.

"Prom court?" Hannah shrieks.

Actually shrieks.

Honestly, Lily wasn't sure if they were actually going to invoke the words tonight, but her grin isn't faked at all when she squeezes James' hand. If it can upset Hannah this much, then their plan to get to Petunia will work _flawlessly_.

"Isn't it wonderful?" she asks, fully knowing that Hannah finds it anything _but _wonderful. She pressed her hip against the boy next to her. "James will be the perfect Prom King."

Mary does a good job of not making a surprised noise behind her, but Lily can practically feel her best friend's eyes on her. She owes her an explanation, she knows, but they'll have time for it later.

Now, the campaign begins.

"Not nearly as perfect as you as the Prom Queen, darling." James gives Lily a wink that only she can see before speaking to Hannah. "Can't you just picture it, Holiday? Lily, crown on top of her head. The whole senior class cheering for her. And, of course, me, right there next to her."

Hannah looks as though she can picture it. Quite vividly, and it enrages her, apparently, as her eyes widen and nostrils flare. All that rage can't seem to form itself into words, though, as Hannah stutters when she opens her mouth. "I - no - that can't - _what?"_

"Anyway," says James, holding up Lily's hand and leading her away from a gaping Hannah Holiday. "Make sure to tell your friends to vote for us! Every vote matters!"

"Thanks, Hannah!" Lily calls over her shoulder, grateful when James pulls them away.

The greeting went better than she could have imagined, thanks to James. Ending the conversation means she's made it through a few of the most important steps to successfully navigating her first capital-letter High School Party. Greet the hostess, make an entrance, flaunt her relationship, and state their intentions.

Based on Hannah's reaction, the Potter/Evans ticket will be at the front of everyone's mind come Monday.

"That was perfect," Lily whispers to him, moving onto her toes to get closer to his ear. "I swear, Hannah was going to -"

"Is that what this whole thing is about?"

Lily turns quickly to see Mary with her hands on her hips, surveying their clasped hands. "What?"

"Are you messing with Holiday or…?"

"Of course not," Lily answers quickly. She winces. "Well, I guess we were just then, but _no_, Mary. That's not what this is about." Her voice is thick with conviction, though maybe that's because Mary is sometimes a little _too _good at reading Lily. "James and I were talking about it the other day and thought… why not, you know? It could be fun. To run and see if we could win."

"Fun? You, Lily Evans, thought it would be fun to run for Prom Queen? Am I missing something?" Mary is staring at Lily as though she doesn't know her. As though she probably never knew her, and Lily can't blame her.

Before Christmas break, they spent several nights laughing about the runner-up tiara and sash Petunia lovingly keeps on her vanity. They made jokes about movies where the protagonist cared more about getting a date to Prom than getting into her top choice college.

The James Potter's girlfriend version of Lily is different.

"No, no," says James, stepping in front of Lily and taking the full wrath of Mary's raised eyebrows. "She doesn't mean it like that. I mean, obviously I was taunting Holiday back there, but that's what I do. I prank people. I rile them up. She had it coming with the way she greeted Lily as soon as we stepped foot in her house. But what Lily means, what she's really trying to say is… okay, so you know how you only live once?"

Mary looks back at James as though he's stupid. James assumes that she's listening, at least, and continues, a hand running through his hair nervously. "Well, you only go through high school once too, right? And if you're going to do it… you might as well do it right. Experience everything that you can. Leave no stone unturned. No regrets."

"Just," says Mary, fingers pinching the bridge of her nose, "get to the point."

"The point is, Lily is trying to make the best of her senior year. To experience more. It's all for fun, but you shouldn't have found out this way. That was shitty of me, and I'm sorry."

"James is right, but it's my fault," Lily adds, stepping beside James and willing Mary to understand with her expression. This was a conversation that should have happened in Mary's car and not the middle of Hannah Holiday's house, bursting with drunk teenagers. "I should have told you. It's no excuse, but I was nervous about the party and a little of what you would think. But it won't happen again."

Mary eyes her for a few heavy seconds, assessing whether she can find a lie in Lily's statements.

"You can be our Campaign Manager, if you want," Lily offers, taking a chance that her friend's silence can be broken with a half-joke, half-promise and smile, which usually means she needs Mary to help her plan something.

Mary rolls her eyes, but Lily knows that's victory.

"Okay, well," she answers, going straight into business. "If I'm going to do this, I'm going to need full access to your schedules, and I'm going to have to know who you're running against. Hannah is a given." Mary looks at Lily, arms crossed. "You're behind, you know. If you're serious about running, we need to get your posters up by next week."

"I didn't even know we had to do posters," says James, blinking. "I thought we just told people to vote for us."

"God," huffs Mary. "You're completely hopeless. Thank God you have me now. Lily and I will handle the posters, the slogan, everything. All you have to do is be charming and show up. And maybe piss Hannah off some more so she's not on the top of her game."

James grins. "I can do that."

"Thank God we have you," Lily echoes Mary, both because she means it (how can they already be _behind_?) and because she knows it will seal this conversation as a win. This was another unplanned stop, but Mary has to be on their side. On _her _side. "We'll have a whole strategy meeting. If we're going to do this, we're going to do it right." She grins when she sees the wheels turning in her friend's head, coming up with the kind of plans that could probably win the White House.

Lily casts a meaningful look at her hand, still wrapped in James', and back up at her friend. "Now, Mary, can you please go enjoy the party you wanted to come to so badly?"

Mary switches gears quickly, following Lily's gaze to their hands and not even bothering to contain her smirk. "Okay, I can take a hint." She looks over at James with the no-nonsense expression that only a best friend can get away with giving to someone's boyfriend. "I know where you live, Potter." Her voice holds just enough teasing to make it not quite a threat before she turns back to Lily. "Have fun, Lils."

With a little wave, she slips into the party.

"So," Lily says, letting out a breath. "That went well?"

"Better than expected," agrees James, letting out a low whistle. "I was expecting a full blown interrogation. Nice move with that Campaign Manager bit."

"Oh, there will be a full interrogation," she assures him. "I'm sure she's saving that for me." Lily shakes her head. "Best friends, you know? Speaking of, I wonder what yours thinks of all this."

"Of me and you?"

"I don't think he's changed his mind about me yet," she answers. "I don't know how to make him do that, but what will he think about you as Prom King?"

"Oh," says James, running a hand through his hair. "He, uh, he doesn't know about that… just yet."

"Nobody does. Didn't you hear Mary say that we're apparently _behind_?" She let her eyes drift over the party, from the small crowd around what has to be the stock of alcohol, to a few couples who probably need to find a more private place. "What do we do here?"

"Well, that, my dear, is the easy part," says James, leading her directly into the crowd. "We mingle. We socialize. We make ourselves known_. _Tonight we become _that couple._"

"One of my best models of a high school party is _Easy A_," she admits, letting him tug her along because his hand is warm in hers. What can go wrong, when he's next to her and brimming with the confidence of a Prom King in the making? "I don't think it's time for that kind of entrance yet."

"You mean you don't want to pretend to be drunk with me and jump around on the bed to make our whole senior class think we're doing it?"

"At least not until Prom Night." She grins and lets herself think, just for a few seconds, that James invited her with no strings attached. That they would be here, even if she didn't have an awful sister and a need to prove herself. That he might have asked her to be his date, even without a deal made on Christmas morning.

James grins and it's nearly heartbreakingly bright.

"We'll call that our grand finale," he whispers in her ear.

She tries to ignore the tingles that shiver down her spine, both from his close proximity and the fact that he's expecting there to be a finale.

An end.

Why wouldn't he?

It's part of their deal. It's not like she doesn't know this, but it's much easier to deal with in the back of her head.

If there is to be a finale, she thinks, this is the curtain rising on the first act of the play. They're directly in the middle of the crowd and James weaves them through it naturally and with ease, as though he's used to the mass of their student body parting for him.

Sirius is in the middle of the action, and Lily wonders why she suspected anything different. He has the stereotypical red solo cup in his hand, but Lily wonders if that makes him feel much different from the way her head spins with so many people she only barely knows so close.

"James!" Sirius calls his name and loops over to throw his arms over their shoulders, not-so-accidentally coming between them. "And Evans! You made it! Tell me, is this everything you dreamed of?"

"You don't feature so prominently in my dreams, Black," she replies, casting a glance behind Sirius' shoulder to find James again.

"God, Sirius," groans James, scrunching his nose. "How much have you had to drink? Your breath is awful."

Sirius shrugs, and Lily feels his arm shift on her shoulders. "Remus decided he needed to study tonight and Pete ran off with a girl, so I had to entertain myself somehow. But now you're here with Evans, your _girlfriend_."

"Yeah, and I'm positive she doesn't appreciate your odor either." James shoves Sirius gently, causing the other boy to stumble.

"You're no fun," pouts Sirius, giving a very good impression of a wounded puppy. "At least not recently."

"I don't agree with that," Lily remarks, disentangling herself from Sirius. "Maybe you're projecting. I learned about it in psychology last semester."

"Yeah, Evans? Well, what's the psychology of some girl messing with my best friend?"

"_Hey," _hisses James. "She's not _messing _with me, you asshole. God, what's your problem? You've been acting like a jerk ever since Lily and I started going out!"

"_My _problem?" repeats Sirius. "It's not _my problem _yet, but I'm damn well certain it will be when all of this blows up in your face… _again!"_

"Don't go there," growls James. "It's not even the same thing."

"Isn't it, though?"

"It's not," Lily adds, putting some force behind her voice. "It's nothing like that."

This time, she's determined not to lose him. This time, they will talk every night and not let the channel between them widen. This time, she has the past to lean on to make sure she doesn't repeat an old mistake.

This time, she already knows what a hole in her heart feels like.

Sirius scoffs. "It looks the same to me. Finally ready for something more intense than Spin the Bottle, Evans?"

"You don't know what you're talking about, Sirius. You're just scared James will occasionally want to spend time with someone who isn't you."

"_You're _the one who doesn't know what she's talking about, Evans. You don't even know the half of it."

"That's enough, Sirius," says James, stepping in front of Lily. "You're acting like an idiot. People are staring."

People are, Lily sees when she turns her head. What had once been a scattered crowd of people, talking amongst themselves, has turned into a circle around them.

"I'm acting like an idiot?" snorts Sirius. "I'm not the sucker about to get his heart broken again."

"_Shut up," _hisses James as people gasp and whisper around them, as though they're fish in a tank on display. "Everyone can hear you!"

"What's the matter, Potter? Don't enjoy a crowd?"

"Okay, you know what?" James shouts, climbing onto Hannah's breakfast bar so that he's standing above everyone. "I would _love _a crowd actually."

Lily isn't so sure she agrees with him.

So much of high school, for her, as been about being the right amount of invisible. Being visible enough that people know a surface level of her while being invisible enough to hide away from the worst of rumors. Avoiding questions with hard answers and doing what she needs to get out of her house come fall.

How did she let Mary talk her into this shirt, when half of the school is staring at her? Does she look like a little girl playing dress up? Are her cheeks turning the same shade as her hair?

Despite the spike of nerves and fear that runs through her mind, James is on the breakfast bar, in the middle of some fight with his best friend about _them _of all things, and she knows where James Potter's girlfriend should be right now.

She takes a step toward him, holding her chin high to ignore Sirius and try to catch his gaze. "I can assure you, James," she says in a clear voice over the murmur of the crowd. "I have no intention of breaking your heart."

James smiles at her words, and Lily can see through the lopsided-ness of it that her words mean everything to him. Or, at least, that's what he is portraying it to mean in this little act of theirs.

Of course, Hannah chooses that moment to come back from whatever a hostess does during these kinds of parties, stopping in the doorway. She watches them in shock for a moment, as if that will provide some kind of explanation.

Lily can feel the curtain falling on the first scene before James even opens his mouth.

"Attention, everyone!" he calls dramatically, as if every single pair of eyes isn't already on him. "I would just like to announce that _my girlfriend, _Lily Evans, and I will be running for Prom King and Queen! Vote Potter and Evans!"

She laughs, partly because the whole scene is overly dramatic and belongs in a movie rather than her life. Partly because she doesn't know what else to do. Partly because a happy bubble grows in her chest and wants to be released. Partly because the way James is grinning lights up his face, and she wants to keep it there.

He always manages to make her laugh.

Lily gives a little wave for the benefit of the crowd. She doesn't have to look at the doorway to know Hannah isn't pleased with the direction of the party, and she doesn't want to give Sirius the satisfaction of visually caring about his reaction. There is enough movement and bits of conversation going on around her to know that James' announcement made an impact.

That was loads better than any poster.


	7. New Year's Day

**A/N: Today is Marieka's birthday, so go show her some love on her tumblr women-inthe-sequel! We hope you're still enjoying this fic. Please don't forget to review! **

**Chapter Seven: New Year's Day**

"_Please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere."_

_James can't stop thinking about the kiss he shared with Lily at the playground. _

_Perfect, she called it. _

_He clings to that word as much as the kiss itself, letting both of them swirl around his thoughts and make it impossible to think about much else. He's never had the word 'perfect' used in the same sentence as his name or in reference to him. His mother often states that she knows he's _not _perfect several times a week, especially on days he brings home a detention slip. _

_As perfect as Lily said the kiss was, however, she hasn't mentioned it once since it happened. _

_No subtle comments or brief glances that could have a deeper meaning. No declarations of her undying love for him, which he is not totally surprised to realize that he has imagined in his head several times. There hasn't even been a, "hey, remember that time we kissed?"_ _moment. _

_It's as though she doesn't remember it at all. Or she's trying not to. _

_In fact, she hardly looks at James anymore. At least, not in the same sort of way she used to before the kiss. Now, when she does look at him, it's quick, as though she can't stare too long. He's always catching her turning away whenever he tries to look at her. _

_He wonders with a pang if she regrets the kiss. _

_He certainly doesn't._

_It's the only_ _thing he can seem to think about lately, and what's worse is that he always seems to be thinking about it during horribly inappropriate times. _

_Like three days ago when he should have been studying for his math test. And again when he was actually taking the test, which he is most positive that he bombed. _

_Like two days ago, before a family dinner, when he saw the freckles scattered on Lily's eyelids and felt the curve of her jaw against his fingertips, instead of hearing his mother reminding him to set the table. _

_Just yesterday, when he was walking home from school and stopped at the local gas station to get a slurpee. Instead of getting his usual favorite, he accidentally got a blue raspberry. He didn't realize his horrible mistake until he was outside of the store and took a giant gulp, only to spray it in Sirius' face the next second. _

_And it's happening again. Currently, in his English Literature class, where he should be focused on some depressed, tired man and a bird who won't leave him alone, but he's too busy doodling Lily's initials on his in-class assignment. _

_Luckily, Mrs. Bruner doesn't seem to notice or even care. _

_She's sort of given up at this point in the school year. Not that James can blame her. After all, he probably would have given up too, if his whole career revolved around depressing blokes with rude birds. _

"_What'd you get for number one?" Sirius asks, leaning so far over that his desk lifts slightly off the ground. "Oh, Christ. Are you really doing this again? This is the fifth time this week I've caught you writing Lily's name on your paper instead of your own."_

"_Mind your own business," snaps James, pulling his paper away and attempting to hide it. _

"_Mr. Black!" chides Mrs. Bruner. "Eyes on your own paper, please!"_

"_What!" exclaims Sirius. "That's not fair! You're not even teaching us anymore! Can't I at least cheat a little?"_

"_Mr. Black!"_

"_Sorry, sorry," mutters Sirius. His desk hits the ground with a thump, and he waits until Mrs. Bruner is focused on her novel again before speaking to James. "What's your problem? She's just Lily." _

_James snorts. _

_Of course she's 'just Lily'_ _to Sirius. How could she be anything to him other than his pal?_

_Sirius hasn't started to look at girls the way James has looked at Lily lately. Then again, James suspects that he's the only one of his friends who has developed an interest in girls - even if his interest is, admittedly, specific to one particular girl. _

_When Sirius and Remus aren't over at his place playing Xbox, all they're doing is hanging out with each other. Neither of them ever mention any girls, and he never catches them trying to catch a glimpse of ponytail when they think no one else is looking. And Peter… James isn't sure what Peter gets into after school, but he's certain that it isn't girls. _

_Perhaps he's matured faster than his friends, and they'll catch up. His mother always said he was tall for his age. Maybe this is something similar. _

"_She's not 'just Lily,'" admonishes James underneath his breath. "At least, not anymore. Not for awhile now." _

_Sirius leans forward in his seat, more interested in James' love life than the paper in front of him. "Well, are you going to do something about it? Or are you going to stare at the back of her head until she asks if you have a concussion?" _

"_I already have_ _done something!" James argues. He pauses and amends, "Well, sort of. The problem is, after the something… nothing really happened."_

_His friend lifts a brow in a way that is much smoother than any teenager should be able to get away with. "Something that didn't happen_ _while you were alone in your bedroom?"_

"_What do you - _no! _We kissed in the park," hisses James, quietly so no one around them can hear. Not that it matters. Frank has been asleep for the past twenty minutes, and Peter is listening to his headphones. "It was sort of an… arranged kiss. But it was still a kiss." A beat. "And we haven't really talked since it happened."_

_The back legs of Sirius' chair hit the ground. "What? You kissed Lily and didn't tell me?" He moves even closer to James' desk, clearly ignoring any prior complaints from their teacher. The temporary show of surprise or hurt vanishes as quickly as it came. "Well, how was it?"_

"_It was amazing," says James, running a hand through his hair and letting out a breath. "I mean, I thought it was amazing, and she said it was perfect. But I'm beginning to wonder if she really thought that."_

"_Have you actually tried to talk to her? Or just moped around and doodled her name on assignments?"_

"_Yes! Well, I mean, sort of," confesses James, hedging again. "I shouted at her from across the assembly the other day that her hair looked nice." _

_Sirius abandons all pretense of working by dramatically putting his head in his hands. "You're hopeless." Quickly, he sits up, eyes alert and shining. "You have to do_ _something, Potter. Something someone who is just her neighbor wouldn't do."_

"_Like what?" _

"_Like find a way to kiss her again."_

"_How would I even do that? Last time she just asked me to. I doubt she'd do it again."_

"_She _asked _you to?" Sirius looks at him like he can't believe what he's seeing. "A girl asked you to kiss her and you… You have to give her another chance to ask or ask her yourself, idiot. If you yelled_ _at her, she probably thinks you forgot about it." _

"_You don't think she honestly thinks I forgot, do you?" asks James, a bit panicked. "Because it's all I can think about. God, I don't want her to think that. We have to do something. Fix this somehow." _

"_That's what I'm saying. You need a chance to kiss her again." Sirius drifts off while he thinks and droops in his seat. He sits up suddenly again, struck by inspiration. "A party! Don't people always sneak off to make out at parties?"_

"_A party," repeats James, perking up. "That's brilliant! Tomorrow's Friday. We could throw one together quickly, don't you think?"_

"_Of course, we can." _

"_I wouldn't even have to sneak off to make out with her. Just to talk to her, and tell her that I would like to do it again…" James muses._

"_You better practice what to say, so you don't yell about her hair again." Sirius taps his pen against his desk. "Write her a note! Then she'll know about the party and that you especially want her to be there."_

"_Okay, okay," says James, turning over his assignment paper and aggressively clicking his pen. "What do I say? Oh God, how do I even invite a girl to a party?"_

"_Be cool," Sirius answers, nodding wisely. "If she doesn't know you're a total sap yet, there's hope. Maybe like… 'party at mine tomorrow - you in?'"_

"_Okay, yeah," mutters James, bending over his paper and writing each letter slowly. "But like this? So it's, you know, a bit smoother?"_

_He hands Sirius the note, the words 'party at my crib tomorrow… u in? - Prongs' written in carefully laid out chicken scratch. _

"_Yes, that's perfect," says Sirius, grinning in approval. "Do you want to give it to her now?"_

"_Now?" James practically yelps, glancing over to where Lily is still working on their assignment. "Like right_ _now?"_

"_When else?"_

"_After class? In the hallway? After practice? I don't know! Literally any other time?"_

"_Heck no! You're going to chicken out! Give it to me." Sirius grabs the note and begins to fold it. "I'll toss it to her myself."_

"_Okay, okay. Just - fold it in a cool sort of way."_

"_Who do you think I am?" _

_Sirius has the ability to do lots of things that James simply cannot, he realizes, watching as his friend bends and folds each corner just so. That list must include folding paper._

"_That looks good," says James, impressed. _

"_Just one more," says Sirius, tongue sticking out in concentration. "There! Okay, ready? Operation Invite Evans to this Shindig is a go!"_

_James watches, half impressed and half horrified, as Sirius tosses his note clear across the room. Watches as it soars past the majority of his classmates, who don't even bother to look up. Watches, almost in slow motion, as his perfectly folded note hits Lily Evans square in the face. _

_James can't help but stare like the whole scene is an action movie car crash. _

_It's enough to jolt her from concentration, flinching and knocking the note widely off course. She whips her head around, maybe trying to find out whether the note was intended for her or the delivery method was an accident. _

_James is still watching from across the room, and she meets his eyes quickly._

"_Sorry," he mouths, ignoring the way Sirius shoves his elbow into James' side. James points to the note on the floor, hoping that Sirius' less-than-perfect spiral doesn't mean she lost track of it. "For you."_

_Lily nods, accepting the situation when she realizes it's James. She bends like she's going to check her books beneath her desk but scoops up the note instead. Sliding it under her assignment, she carefully unfolds it and reads._

_When she looks back up at him with a grin, James wonders if it's possible to start literally flying with Lily Evans' smile as his fuel. She flashes him a thumbs up, lighting up the entire room, and nothing, absolutely nothing can compare to Lily Evans saying yes to him._

"_That went well," adds Sirius, extremely close to James. He scooted his desk over to get a better look without James noticing, distracted as he was by Lily. _

"_Better than expected," grins James, high-fiving Sirius in triumph. "Much, much better than expected."_

"_Mr. Potter and Mr. Black!" Mrs. Bruner screeches, startling them both so much that Sirius' desk nearly flips over. "Back to work!"_

* * *

It's nearing two in the morning when James and Sirius manage to sneak back into the Potter house.

Sirius is positively smashed, swaying dangerously up the stairs as James clutches him tightly. Half to steady him, half because his fists are already clenched in anger over the other boy.

Sirius is pissed too. He's told James so several times on the way home, and now several more times on the way to James' bedroom. He's pissed over Prom, over the fact that James made him leave the party early by his standards, but most of all, he's pissed over Lily.

James wishes desperately that he could shove Sirius back down into his bedroom in the basement and be done with him for the night. Wishes they could wake up with fresh heads in the morning and he wouldn't have to smell the alcohol on his best friend's breath.

But he knows he can't ditch him. Sirius is a wanderer when he's drunk and, with their shit luck, he would end up in their parents' bedroom. Then there would really be hell to pay.

James is thankful he's already dropped Lily and Mary off for the night. Partly, because the idea of having Lily Evans in his bedroom at two in the morning would be a test he's ready to fail. Mostly, because he knows his argument with Sirius hasn't even reached its peak yet.

"Watch it," hisses James as Sirius stumbles in, colliding with James' nightstand and knocking over a picture of James, Lily, Sirius, Remus, and Peter from middle school in the process. "You could have broken that!" James grabs for the picture, their smiling childhood faces beaming up at him, but Sirius beats him to it.

"Why do you still have this thing, anyway?" he scoffs, slurring his words.

"It was our eighth grade field trip to Disney! It's one of my favorite memories!"

James doesn't say the real reason. That it's the last picture he has with Lily before the party after their eighth grade year. That he wasn't sure that he would ever get another picture with her after that, so he kept it to remember that things used to be different.

"Did you also shack up with her then and not tell me?" Sirius asks with some venom in his tone.

"What are you even talking about? We were in _eighth grade, _Sirius. For fuck's sake."

"Well, how should I know?" Sirius gestures widely, nearly knocking over the whole nightstand. "Since you're deciding _again _to let the _same girl _stomp on your bleeding heart."

"Do you really think I would be that stupid?" hisses James through his teeth. A voice in the back of his head tells him that he is, in fact, possibly being that stupid. "I've told you time and time again that it's not like that! What is it going to take for you to believe me?"

"You keep telling yourself that." Sirius sits heavily on James' bed, at least taking the prospect of waking their parents with the crash of falling furniture off James' list of worries. "But what's actually changed? You don't talk for years, and then you're _dating_ and you didn't even _tell me_."

A sudden guilt washed over James, forming a pit in his stomach and dampening any sort of rage he carried home from the party.

Sirius has every right to be suspicious, James knows. He always tells his best friend _everything. _From simple things, like the time in second grade when he, with sheer delight, told in great detail that he overheard his mother curse while making dinner, to every single embarrassing three in the morning confession of his undying love for Lily.

_You would have told me, _Sirius said when he first doubted their arrangement.

He was right. Had it been proper, had it been _real, _James would not have been able to contain himself. Especially not toward Sirius.

There is where James knows exactly how to get Sirius to believe him. To back him.

But there is also where he knows he's crossing a line. Because if he wants Sirius to be okay with his relationship with Lily, he's going to have to indulge Sirius with more information than middle school James.

But, he realizes with a sharp pain around his heart, any information he gives Sirius will be a story. A lie. A carefully planned out point in James and Lily's notebook on how to make their relationship believable_. _

He doesn't want to lie to Sirius.

He wants to tell him the truth. That he's gotten himself into this great big mess pretending to be Lily Evans' boyfriend, when all he really wants is the real thing. When all he's hoping for is that one day, she'll wake up and decide that he would make an even better _real _boyfriend, rather than a fake one.

No notebook.

No rules.

But he knows he can't tell Sirius any of this.

Sirius wouldn't support any of this, because all it does is add evidence to his point that James is going to get his heart broken.

Sirius wouldn't be able to see his plan of winning Lily Evans over, because Sirius can't see the way Lily closes her eyes whenever he kisses her on the forehead. He can't feel the hope that James does underneath his thumb when he brushes her temple.

So, instead of all of that, he says, "You're right. I should have told you when Lily and I started talking again. I should have told you the moment I asked her out."

Sirius sits up, trying his best to focus his gaze on James. "Why didn't you?"

"I - I don't know," James admits truthfully. He runs a hand through his hair, looking at the ground. "I guess, I wanted to keep it to myself a bit. I didn't know how to tell you exactly."

Sirius stares at him intently for a few long seconds. Finally, he throws himself back on the pillows and heaves a great sigh. "God, James. You make everything so _dramatic_. You could have just _said_." Sirius waves his hand above him, and James isn't exactly sure what he's trying to say with it. "I'm just making sure you aren't…" He sighs again. "How is it so far?"

"Oh, you know me," says James, grinning now, some of the tension leaving his back and shoulders. He crosses the room, throwing himself down on the bed next to Sirius. "If there's room for dramatics, I'm there. And it's great. It's really, honestly great. And not just because I've had a crush on her since forever. I feel like I've gotten my best friend back."

"I never left, asshole," Sirius grumbles, but James swears he can hear a smile hidden in it. "I can come around to you being absolutely obnoxious about her again, but I can't deal with being replaced by Evans."

"You know what I mean," says James, shoving Sirius slightly with his elbow. "Trust me, no one could ever replace you. That's impossible."

"Damn right," Sirius answers, elbowing him back. "Are you going to start waxing poetry about her now that I finally know?"

"You mean, will I start comparing her to a summer's day? No, not at all. She's far more lovely."

Sirius groans and throws a pillow at him, but James can't stop smiling.

* * *

_Of all the places in the world, James' house should be the last place where she feels nervous, embarrassed, or self-conscious. _

_His basement, with its familiar couch - the one they moved downstairs when Mrs. Potter ordered new things for the living room last year - and extra hook by the door for her coat, is practically an extension of her own home. It's a place where she doesn't have to knock, where she can tell by the lights if he's home and whether she can stop by to waste a few hours._

_Lily has sprawled on the couch with James a hundred times without giving it a second thought. Throughout the years, they've given the housekeeper who comes twice a week far too much work due to childhood carelessness toward mud on their sneakers and dirt on their knees. They put up tents and pretended they were world-traveling explorers in search of new species before falling asleep practically on top of each other._

_So why is the addition of a collection of boys and girls from their school enough to make her feel out of place?_

_When she told her sister about her plans for the night, Petunia got that look that always comes when she knows something Lily is too young or stupid to understand. She nodded wisely and announced that Lily was going to a Boy/Girl Party. The capital letters were audible in her tone._

_Of course, Lily argued, every party she has ever had was a boy/girl party, since James has been invited to every single one. Even when Petunia's friends were invited for a tea party, Lily picked James as her only guest and sat next to him at their own end of the table._

_This comment didn't win any favors from Petunia, who wrinkled her nose and claimed that this was _different_._

_Lily has to admit, now that she's here, that her sister was right. _

_The girls group together on one side of the room, whispering amongst themselves, while the boys are on the other side, shifting uncomfortably and barely talking. The unspoken line between them is enough to make her hesitate, even though the person she wants to talk to the most is on the other side of the line._

_Another thing, a more personal thing, also makes her hesitate, but she's still working that out in her head. Afterward, Lily tells herself. She'll talk to him afterward. When everyone else goes home and she isn't so worried about the invisible wall that separates them since they're at a capital-B-capital-G Boy/Girl Party._

_She almost wishes Mrs. Potter would come downstairs and make them play one of the silly icebreaker games she loves so much, just so someone would say something. _

"_Hey," Benjy finally says, daring to be the first and looking across the room at the nervously chattering girls. "Who's up for a game of Spin the Bottle?"_

_A murmur of agreement and then excitement goes through both circles. Although Lily didn't know the implications of a Boy/Girl Party before coming, the other guests clearly did._

_Before Lily is truly aware of what's happening, they're all in a circle, so close that their knees touch the person sitting next to them. Benjy explains the rules and waves someone off to find the needed bottle for their game._

_Lily looks at the boy across from her - the same boy she's been looking at since she can remember. Her pulse quickens and she has to remind herself to breath, which is new. Outwardly, nothing has changed. James has the same mess of hair, the same spark of mischief in his eyes, the same scar on his hand from when she tried to teach him how to jump off the swings. He grins at her, and Lily has to smile back. _

_No matter what, he's still James, and she's still Lily, and their names on a tree declare them to be best friends forever._

_She knows what it feels like to confess something, even though he does not know the depth of her confession. She knows what it's like to be vulnerable and ask for something that she isn't sure if he wants to give._

_She knows what it feels like to kiss him._

_Breaking their eye contact, Lily studies the Orange Crush bottle someone found, as if she can control it with her mind. Maybe this can be good. Maybe this is the middle school version of fate. Maybe the bottle will start the conversation for her._

_As the one who suggested the game, Benjy makes a show of puffing out his shoulders and reaching into the circle to spin the bottle first. _

_Lily looks around the circle, silently counting how many spins she will have to wait for James to reach in for his turn. She hopes that fate will be kind and it will land on her. Hopefully, he'll want the same result._

_A soft "ooo" ripples through the assembled group, indicating that the bottle made its decision. She ignores them, too busy in her own mind to be concerned with petty issues like gossip and who has to kiss who. She has bigger things on her mind._

_It's only two more turns, she notes. _

_Lily's mind is still elsewhere when the girl next to her pokes her knee. She looks up from her attempt at strategizing Spin the Bottle to see the offending bottle pointing firmly at her. Her eyes widen._

_It's too early._

_Benjy grins. The best she can manage is a shy smile in response, trying to hide the fact that there's something akin to panic buzzing in her brain. _

_It's not the kiss itself that's the problem, really. She likes Benjy well enough. They have friendly conversations and get along. She trusts that he won't take advantage of a silly game. It's not that she really minds kissing Benjy, but she would much rather -_

"_So we…" Her voice doesn't sound like her own, but no one else is talking, so it has to be hers._

"_Yeah," he answers, his grin staying in place, though she sees something change in his eyes. "Okay?" _

_She knows he's sincerely asking, and her shoulders drop in slight relief. It's just a silly kiss at a silly party and it doesn't have to mean anything._

_The kiss on the playground is something else. It's not silly at all._

"_Okay," she says, and she means it. Lily leans across the circle to meet him and closes her eyes as the kiss lasts for exactly seven seconds._

_It was nice, she decides, as she sits back. His lips were soft and he didn't press too hard or try to force something that wasn't happening. It was a perfectly nice kiss. One she might be tempted to giggle about with someone in a few days._

_Somehow, though, she doesn't think she'll be thinking about this perfectly nice kiss for long._

_If anything, this cements her resolve. She needs to do something, to say something, before the forces of high school and Boy/Girl Parties find ways to make things more complicated. If she gets it all out now, they can do something about it. They can -_

_Lily shakes her head, forcing her thoughts to calm._

_Other people in the circle spin and kiss, but Lily is more concentrated on forming the perfect way to say what she's thinking. If she practices it a few ways in her head, then she's less likely to stumble when the moment comes. _

_After his guests leave, Lily will pull him aside and ask if they can talk privately. He'll flash that crooked grin that he perfected at age eight to get them out of trouble and agree easily, like he always does when she suggests something. It'll be like last week, when she dared him to do something she only thought about, and they'll both feel the sparks again._

_He had to feel them too. She couldn't have imagined the way he kissed her._

_She'll tell him, and he'll smile and kiss her again and -_

_The moment comes faster than she planned, even though she spent most of the evening deciding what to say. She even escaped to the bathroom for a few minutes so she could practice saying his name in the mirror to make sure that it sounded just right._

"_James," she says, the sound not quite perfect, once most of the other guests have left. She reaches out a hand toward him. "Can we talk?"_

_James grins at her in a way that doesn't quite reach his eyes but is still charming. She wonders if the atmosphere is getting to him. "Of course."_

_Lily opens her mouth, ready to put her plan into action, only to be cut off a second later._

"_Lily!" A voice calls from upstairs, and soft footsteps follow, revealing Mrs. Potter. "Your mother called and said you should go home, dear."_

"_Can I have a few more minutes?" _

_In memory, Lily will recognize Mrs. Potter's expression as something deeper, but in that moment, she can only feel her own desperation to say what has been trapped in her chest all night. _

"_It sounds important, Lily. You should talk to her." Mrs. Potter's eyes soften, but it feels like the whole world is conspiring against Lily and her confession. "You know you're always welcome back. Anytime."_

_Lily nods. "I know, Mrs. Potter. Thank you." She looks back over at James and tries to put as many of her thoughts as she can into her smile. "I'll see you tomorrow, James." _

"_Bye, Lily," he calls after her softly._

_She follows James' mother upstairs and spends the short walk over to her house coming up with all of the reasons why this is a good thing. She has more time to think about exactly what to say. She can sit on the swing set with him and bring back pleasant memories as she confesses what she thinks and feels when he looks at her. The sun can be up, so she can see his full expression when she admits that she likes him in a way that isn't strictly best friends._

_Tomorrow, Lily tells herself. She will tell him tomorrow._


	8. Change: A Sirius Intermission

**Chapter Eight: Change: A Sirius Intermission**

"_You know these things will change. Can you feel it now? These walls that we put up to hold us back will fall down."_

Sirius Black is on a mission. A half-baked, not-at-all planned mission, but an important one nevertheless.

The unfortunate thing about this mission in particular is that he's lost his usual partner in crime for it, because it's somewhat _against _said partner.

Or, rather, against his usual partner's partner.

Sirius had a whole weekend to nurse a hangover and wallow in bed, thinking about James' relationship with Lily. Which is not ideal, because he already had a throbbing headache, and thinking only makes his head hurt worse. Plus, thinking about his best friend's relationship with one of their former best friends is just… _weird. _

He doesn't _want _to think about that. He wants to be able to be happy for James. Truly he does. But while he's nearly there, something is still holding him back.

He doesn't trust Evans. Not fully.

He knows that James does, or seems to, but what's that old saying? Love is blind? James' eyesight is bad enough without adding _love _on top of all that.

Especially when it comes to Evans.

So, Sirius has decided that it's time to set aside middle school grudges and hard feelings to actually _talk _to Evans for the first time in several years.

He's a good judge of character and intention, Sirius is. If he can somehow get the girl alone - which is a task, because she's nearly always glued to James' hand these days - and without her defensive guard up that she usually wears around him now, he can properly gage her purpose in dating his best friend.

Which is weird, he knows. Why would someone have an ulterior motive for dating someone else? People date because they like each other, because they have fun together. They date because they're teenagers and have more hormones than they know what to do with. It's not usually that complicated.

The suddenness of James and Lily's relationship, however, and the way it seems so very… well rehearsed sets Sirius on edge. Something isn't adding up when it comes to the two of them.

Sirius also wonders if, perhaps, it's simply him. If he's imagining things because he _wants_ something to be wrong with their relationship. Or if he's made Evans so uncomfortable that she goes into protective, jealous girlfriend mode around him.

Deep down, so far down that it's almost ugly to confront, he faces the fact that he also wants his friendship with Evans back. He doesn't _want _her to have to be defensive or jealous around him. To be constantly ready to fight with him. He wants things to go back to how they were in middle school, when they were a unit and she was apart of it all.

It's _exhausting _to be fighting with her at every turn, when they have so much history together.

And maybe, just maybe, Evans dating James is the way it goes back to all of that.

So, Sirius decides, if he can get her alone, look her in the eyes, and tell that she really, truly likes his best friend, he can let this all go.

It's 7:45 on Monday morning when Sirius rolls into the school parking lot on his motorbike, surprising even himself at his punctuality.

Even though years have passed, he knows Evans' school routine well. She's like clockwork, that girl is. He knows that she'll already be inside the cafeteria, checking her bag to make sure her homework and assignments are neatly tucked away - they always _are - _and James will be with her, because now _he's _concerned about making it to school on time.

Today, they don't all share an early morning class, which is vital to his plan. Today is an A schedule day, and Evans has yearbook first thing. That means she'll spend a majority of that class period wandering about the school, snapping photos, and getting quotes. She'll be incredibly easy to corner, which is why he's skipping his own first period class to lurk about, waiting for her like some sort of devilishly handsome Disney villain.

He bounds quickly up the steps that lead from the parking lot to the school, fully intending to hide away in the boy's bathroom until the tardy bell rings.

As soon as he opens the doors to the school, however, he comes face to face with his boyfriend. Which, honestly, he should have guessed. Whenever he is scheming, Remus is always there to try to screw it up.

"You're not honestly still going to go through with this, are you?" asks Remus. He's wearing an old, slightly worn sweater that makes Sirius completely _weak_. He knows the other boy likely wore it on purpose to distract him, and it takes everything in him to not let it do just that.

"You mean, am I going to interrogate my best friend's girlfriend to make sure she's not planning on breaking his heart again?" Sirius looks Remus dead in the eye as he says this, attempting to look anywhere other than the fraying bits of fabric near Remus' neck. "Yes. Yes I am."

"Sirius!" squeaks Remus. _Actually _squeaks. Even _that _is distracting. "You don't need to interfere with their relationship! You're completely overstepping! I know you don't care about boundaries, but this is too much. Even for you."

"I care about boundaries. I'm very careful with yours," counters Sirius. "And, besides, I'm not _interfering. _I'm investigating."

"You just said you were going to _interrogate _her." Remus crosses his arms, making it practically impossible to ignore how his collar moves. "She's not a crime suspect. She's a perfectly nice girl. A girl your best friend decided to date. A girl who appears to be making him pretty happy. Don't you think James can think for himself?"

"No," Sirius scoffs. "Not when it comes to Evans, he can't. He can barely see past her eyes. Do you know how many things he's compared them to? Honestly, you would think he would run out after _moss, _but no. He's hopeless when it comes to her!"

"What are you even hoping to accomplish? Are you going to give her a chance?"

"Of course, I am, but I have to catch her off guard. Without James. I have to see who she is when she's not hiding behind him," says Sirius, cocking his head slightly. "Look, you're not going to change my mind. You know when it's set, it's set. So, either you can come with me and try to keep me in check as best you can, or you can go to class and try not to think about the fact that I'm likely going to drag Evans into a janitor's closet and shine a dusty light in her face."

"Can you just…" Remus shakes his head and pinches the bridge of his nose like Sirius is taking off years of his life. Which, admittedly, he might be doing. He's not particularly sorry about it, when it's for a cause as noble as protecting the Lily-shaped spot in James' heart. "Will you give her a chance? If she convinces you, will you lay off?"

"You mean you don't want to kidnap James' girlfriend with me? That's not your idea of a hot date?" teases Sirius, laughing when Remus glares at him. "I'm kidding! _If _she convinces me, then, of course, I'll lay off. If not…"

"You'll lock her in the janitor's closet?" Remus poses, voice slightly strained. "Make sure that you _listen_ and actually give her a chance to convince you. That's all I ask."

"I promise," says Sirius, leaning in and pecking Remus lightly on the lips. "Now, get to class. You're already late, by your standards."

"Be good," Remus warns, though his softened expression takes away any of the sternness from his tone. "Don't skip too much class or get detention. You owe me a ride home."

Sirius grins, giving his boyfriend a small salute as he turns and darts down the hallway.

He's slightly off track, thanks to Remus, but not nearly out of luck, he finds. Lily Evans is just in front of him, dropping her backpack off at her classroom and blushing like a fool while James kisses her forehead.

_Honestly, _the girl acts like she has never been kissed before.

Which, by the way, she has been. Sirius had been there for at least one of her kisses. If this conversation goes well, he thinks, he's going to be around for many more, judging by the first few weeks of their relationship.

James turns to leave her, and Sirius bounds across the hall to her side before she can disappear into the room. "Evans," he starts, "I need to talk to you."

"Sirius? Class starts in a minute and I have to-"

"You can take some pictures of James for the sports page later." He moves to the side so she has to go with him away from the door. "What's a few minutes of yearbook? It's important, Marauder promise type things."

That stops her short. Something flashes across her face before she answers, looking like she's making an effort not to show any strong emotion. "Okay. I have a few minutes."

"Excellent," he says, grinning. He honestly expected more of a fight. But this works too. Even if he does have an appreciation for the dramatic. "Walk with me, Evans?"

He offers his arm to her, which she takes with a raised brow. "Only a few minutes. Mary will kill me if we get behind schedule."

"Don't worry. If you get in trouble with Mary, I'll smooth it over. No one can stay mad at me."

Though, honestly, Mary sort of scares him. He's not sure if Mary really is a stickler for time or if Lily is just playing her one wild card over him. Either way, he makes a mental note not to get his ass kicked by Mary Macdonald today.

Remus would be proud.

"What was so important that you're missing… whatever class you have right now?"

"Government, and don't worry. Nothing important ever happens in that class, anyway. I'm likely not missing much," he says, shrugging. "I wanted to have a talk with you. A heart to heart, if you will."

"About?" she replies carefully, dropping her hand from his arm.

"You and James."

"Oh." Lily considers for a moment before asking, "What about us?"

"Here's the thing, Evans," says Sirius, sighing and pocketing his hands in his leather jacket. "I've got to be perfectly honest with you. I don't fully trust you, and I think you know that. I mean, I haven't been shy about it. When things ended last time between you and James… they didn't end well. And that was just _friendship _wise. No relationship strings were attached."

"Things are different now. Last time…" Lily shakes her head. "Last time was bad. I know it was, in about a million ways. But I'm not going to mess it up again."

"How?" asks Sirius. He stops suddenly, pulling her by the elbow so she stops as well. "How do you know that? Look, I know that whatever happened was ages ago, but you don't know how long it took for James to be okay again. To not look at you and absolutely shatter. And now he's right back to being that lovesick boy, and I know it's probably not my place, but I'm weary for him, Evans. Someone has to be."

"It took _me _a long time to be okay again, Sirius. When my dad -" Lily lets out a breath. "I'm not the same person I was back then. And James… We've talked about it. I want this just as much as he does." She almost smiles. "Maybe even more. I've missed him. I've missed _you_, Sirius."

There's the feeling of clawing at his heart that makes it hard for him to remain defensive, and he knows that it's years worth of friendship with Lily Evans trying to break its way out.

Fuck.

"I've missed you too," he admits, aloud this time. He can feel a small crack in the wall he built years ago. It takes him a moment to realize that he built it not only around James, but around himself as well. "Honestly, I have. But it's… it's _hard, _Evans. It's hard to trust your intentions. Especially with the prom thing out of nowhere. I mean, can you blame me? The Lily Evans I knew wouldn't even consider running for Prom Queen."

"It isn't - Prom is a thing with Petunia. You know how that is. Maybe it's stupid, but we thought it could be fun. A way to cap off senior year." Lily reaches across the space between them, hesitating only a moment before she puts her hand on his arm. "But I want you to know _this _Lily Evans. I don't want to graduate and not be able to talk to you."

He considers this for a moment. Leaving high school and never having any sort of contact with her again. It somehow never crossed his mind, the fact that there is an end coming to all of this in the next few months. He could spend the rest of his high school life pushing her away and glaring at her from his desk like he has been doing.

Or he can trust her.

"You can't hurt him," he says, his voice sounding stuck. He clears his throat before speaking more surely. "You can't. It would destroy him. It would destroy me."

Lily nods, grip tightening slightly on his arm. "I know. I won't let myself mess it up again. I want _both _of you back."

"We are a package deal," he says, a grin tugging on his lips. It's hard to pull it back. "Care to make it a Marauder promise?"

He holds his pinky out to her, offering her an olive branch.

She takes it, linking her pinky with his without any pause.

In another second, Lily uses their connected fingers to tug him forward and hugs him with her free arm. "Marauder promise," she mumbles against his leather jacket.

Sirius hugs her tightly and believes her.


	9. How You Get the Girl

**Chapter Nine: How You Get the Girl**

"_Remind her how it used to be with pictures in frames and kisses on cheeks."_

"We've got work to do, Evans."

Despite the sparkly puffy paint sticking out of the front pocket of her bag, Mary has a serious game face. It's the same one she had on the first day of the semester when she outlined her ambitious plans for the yearbook in great detail. The one that tells Lily that she's completely committed and won't take any excuses.

Clearly, she doesn't take her position as Campaign Manager lightly.

That is how Lily finds herself on her stomach in the living room, surrounded by posterboard, markers, paint, and about half of the craft store that Mary insisted they _needed _if they were going to run a decent campaign. The trip made a significant dent in her savings account and required sneaking out to borrow the car before Petunia could notice, but Mary says it will be worth it. Sacrifices are necessary if she wants to win.

And Lily definitely wants to win.

"Do we need a slogan or something? Hope? Change? Make Prom Evans Again?" Lily makes a face and shakes her head. "Scratch that. Nothing to do with Petunia or… you know."

"No, absolutely _no _Petunia. God, Lily. Do you _want _people to vote for you?" She shakes her head. "What about something like…" Mary hunches over her poster board, completely blocking Lily's view. "This!"

_Be A Smart Cookie! Vote Evans For Prom Queen!_

Lily looks at her friend, not bothering to hide her skepticism. "We're going to win by… reminding everyone that I'm a nerd?"

"No, Lily. For someone so smart, you can be so dumb. _Cookies." _Mary points excitedly toward a spot - drawing, she realizes - that Lily assumed was an accident. "We can hang these all over the school. Well, better versions than this one. Then, we can hand out cookies that have 'Evans for Prom Queen' written on them, or maybe 'Potter and Evans.' Whatever you prefer. The point is, the key to the average high schooler's vote is their stomach."

"I guess you're right," Lily answers, tilting her head as if that will make Mary's drawing look more like what she claims it is. "They'll remember our names when casting a ballot, at least. We have to put James' name on too. I mean…" Lily studies the poster to avoid looking directly at Mary. "He won't hurt the votes. Plus, he said 'Vote Potter and Evans' at the party. Don't we need consistent messaging?"

"You're right," agrees Mary, nodding seriously. "He should have his name on them too. Besides, it's going to be the two of you making these cookies. Everyone knows I can't bake. Remember when I almost set our entire Home Ec class on fire?"

"Remember when you almost set _me _on fire in Honors Chemistry?" Lily counters, grabbing a few markers from their stash. Not that her favorite school subject makes her a better baker. "But your point is taken. I'll get James to help with the cookies. How many posters do you think we need?"

"Probably several for each hallway. We also have to remember that Hannah Holiday is running, and we need to overshadow the shit out of her posters." Mary sits up straight, looking around like a drill sergeant over her troops. "This is not enough. _Definitely _not enough. We need to make another run to the craft store after we finish these."

"How much do we need?" Lily pushes herself up and looks desperately around the room. "Wall to wall posters? A sky writer? I don't think my summer job at the ice cream shop is going to cover _that_."

"Don't be ridiculous. I'm sure James would be more than willing to chip in. Maybe Petunia has some poster board left over from when she ran?"

"Hell no. We're not taking _anything _from Petunia."

"I don't know what I just walked in on, but I better not catch either one of you in my room."

Petunia stands in the door frame, eyes narrowed and hands on her hips. Lily sits up, tugging her shirt down and pushing snacks under the coffee table. "I'm not going anywhere near it," she answers. "We're fine on our own."

"Fine on your own doing what?" Petunia's eyes sweep over the poster boards quickly. They widen when they land on the one in front of Mary. "What is all _this?"_

"Oh, Lily and James -"

"School project," Lily cuts across Mary, leaning on her hand to hide Mary's sign.

"That doesn't look like a school project," counters Petunia suspiciously. "Do you think I'm stupid?"

"Now that you mention it -"

"They're campaign signs," Mary says without looking at Petunia. She tugs her draft poster from under Lily's hand and flattens it out in front of her. "For Lily and James."

Lily refuses to look at her sister during the heavy pause.

"And what, may I ask, are you campaigning for? The last time I checked, yearbook didn't select their editor this way."

"Would you let it go already? You _know _Mary's editor. Unlike you, I have friends to be happy for when they do something impressive." Lily knows the pitch of her voice was rising, as it almost always does when her sister is involved, but she can't help it. Petunia knows how to get the reaction she wants, and Lily hasn't learned how to stop giving it to her yet.

"It's for Prom Court," Mary says simply, assessing her sign like it is more pressing and interesting than the other two girls in the room. Based on how many of these kinds of fights she has witnessed, it probably is. "Lily's going to be Prom Queen."

A silence follows in which Lily can _see _Petunia stop breathing. In which the world stops turning and turns its full attention to their cluttered living room. In which she can count the seconds in her head between Petunia's last breath and her next outburst, which she knows is coming.

"Prom Queen?" Petunia says, the words coming out slightly haggard, as though they hurt. "You - you _can't _be Prom Queen. It's not going to happen. It's not possible."

"Taking Holiday's party as a sample, I'd say our preliminary polling isn't looking too bad. We're going to need a full campaign to get us to election day, of course." Mary shrugs and cracks a smile, "But I like our odds."

Mary's brilliant like this. She's able to think quickly enough to be smooth on her delivery and throw Petunia off, since she won't give the reaction she wants. How she can keep her tone so mild is a mystery to Lily.

"'Preliminary polling' aside, you're not popular enough to win something like this," says Petunia, fueling the fire in Lily's chest. "You have no idea all that goes into pulling off a successful prom campaign."

She feels the initial wave of annoyance make way for something else. Looking at her sister, Lily's chest swells with wounded pride.

Why is winning impossible for her?

"Well, not to be rude, but you don't know what goes into it either," adds Mary. "I mean, you _lost. _So, technically, you have no idea what it takes to successfully run a prom campaign."

"I didn't _lose," _spits Petunia, her fists clenched. "I was _runner up."_

This is ground where Lily can rest her feet. This is where she can feel strong enough to say something back. "Mary didn't take your picture for the Prom Queen spot in the yearbook last year, Tuney, so that means you _lost_."

"Runner up isn't losing!" shouts Petunia. "It's more than you're going to get! I may not have been in your grade, but I know enough about Hannah Holiday to know she's got the popularity to back her. You won't have a chance! All you're asking for is to be humiliated in front of your entire senior class!"

But Hannah doesn't have something, Lily wants to say.

She may be popular and throw parties and have been preparing for this since kindergarten, but she doesn't have what makes Lily think that she actually has a shot of doing this.

She doesn't have James.

"It won't be humiliating when James and I show you our crowns. It won't be humiliating when I do what you _couldn't_."

"Don't get your hopes up," says Petunia, turning and walking away. She's halfway up the stairs when she calls back down. "I'd hate to see them crushed!"

Instead of screaming, which she'd like to do, Lily throws herself back on the floor and stares at the ceiling. She refuses to cry, even when the corners of her eyes start to feel hot. "Am I completely fooling myself?"

"Nah," Mary dismisses immediately, already bent over a new posterboard and back to work. "I don't take advice from losers."

* * *

By Monday, in a feat Lily would never have thought possible, Mary manages to have at least one poster proclaiming '_Potter and Evans for Prom Court!'_ in every hallway with senior classes. A few people have even tapped Lily on the shoulder, expressing their intention to mark their names on the ballot.

"We'll have to start another phase soon," Mary says as they head to their second period class. "The posters are good, but we have to make sure people remember when they have to pick who goes up for a vote. We need something that will make it impossible to forget about you."

"The look on Hannah's face when James made an impromptu campaign speech at her party?"

"Old news," Mary dismisses. "I can give you the fourteenth off, Evans, but then it's back to work. Prom Queens don't get elected without some sacrifice and hard work."

Lily searches her brain unsuccessfully for any reason why Mary would give her a break in their extensive campaign schedule. "Why the fourteenth?"

Clearly, this was a ridiculous question. Mary actually stops in the middle of the hallway, ignores the few people behind them who squawk in protest, and shoots her a disbelieving stare. "Valentine's Day? With your boyfriend?"

Her cheeks flush when Lily realizes that she hadn't even thought of the holiday. People are going to be expecting them to do something, aren't they? How could she forget about? Why hadn't they talked about this?

"Oh." She tries to get them walking again so Mary doesn't have time to dwell. "Yeah. I mean, of course. Valentine's Day."

"Oh my god, Lily, don't tell me you've forgotten! It's this weekend! It's your first Valentine's Day with a boyfriend!"

"I didn't _forget_," she replies, though she knows that's a lie. "I… didn't think about the significance." Lily nods, as if this resolves everything, but then stops again in the middle of the hallway. "Wait. It's going to be a _real _Valentine's Day."

"Of course it's going to be a real Valentine's Day," huffs Mary, dragging Lily towards the lockers to avoid being trampled by several freshmen. "You know the whole chocolate, sappy cards, and flowers type of thing that neither one of us had any reason to participate in up till now? _Please _tell me you got James something."

"Uh… Not exactly." Lily winds a finger in her hair and gives her friend a half-smile that she hopes is charmingly sheepish. "What does someone even get their boyfriend on their first Valentine's Day?"

"How am I supposed to know? What do you think James is getting you?"

"Um. I don't know. Chocolate?"

"Ugh, you two are useless. Has he mentioned Valentine's Day?"

"No. But neither have I," she admits, though that was already obvious. "Do high schoolers even take that stuff seriously?"

"You have to get him _something," _says Mary, looking thoughtful as she twists her blonde hair around her finger. "I mean, he's your boyfriend, but he's also _James_. He's kind of a goof. I doubt he's going to take this too seriously. You could get him something funny."

"Right. Something funny… Like, over the top? Silly?"

"Something like… oh my god." Mary's eyes brighten, and she claps her hands in excitement. "Wait, I've got it! I know the perfect thing!"

* * *

"Well, what do you think?"

Sirius blinks at him once. Twice. Then once more.

"It's… a pocket knife?"

"Yeah!"

"For Valentine's Day?"

"Of course it's for Valentine's Day," says James cheerfully, as though Sirius _gets _it. Which he doesn't, obviously.

How could he know that something so small is symbolic to his relationship with Lily? That before all of this - the falling out, the coming back together, the fake relationship that acts like a band aid over it all - they were _best friends. _That James, even years later, knows all of Lily's little quirks because of that chunk of time when they were just a boy and a girl whose whole world was simply each other. That sometimes, late at night and inside his own head, James needs reminding that _this_ \- their relationship, their friendship _\- _ didn't start out as fake.

He clings to the little _LE + JP _that's carved into the tree at their childhood playground for comfort. It's proof enough to him that this gigantic mess he's gotten himself and his heart into has the possibility to end as something very, very _real _again_. _

"I mean - you've known Lily longer than me," sighs Sirius. "If you're certain she'll like it, I'm not going to question your judgement. This time, at least."

James' grin doesn't falter when his best friend doesn't seem impressed with his gift, because Sirius is back to calling her _Lily _again. He isn't sure when it happened exactly, but sometime between Sirius' drunken rage at them during Holiday's party and the next school day, things changed. He couldn't believe his eyes when he spotted Lily and Sirius walking _together _to their designated lunch table the other day. _Happily _together. Not nearly killing each other at all.

That has to be a sign that this is real.

"She'll love it," says James, mostly to himself. He _knows s_he'll get why it's so important without him having to explain it. Even without their initials inscribed on the smooth surface of the knife, she'll know what it means. He tucks the little blue knife into its silk carrying case and hands it to Sirius. "But I've got to keep it hidden for a bit longer. Do you mind keeping it in your room? I don't want her to find it in mine."

"Girls _do _have a tendency to snoop."

James snorts. "Says the guy who got caught trying on his boyfriend's cardigans when he thought he was sleeping."

"I didn't - how did you - _Remus told you that!" _

"Of course he did. I'm planning on leading with that story in my best man's speech at your wedding." James gives his friend a wink and half smirk while throwing on his nearest jacket. "Now, keep that thing safe. For the love of god, don't lose it. I'm trusting you."

"I won't lose it. I'm not completely hopeless," says Sirius, sounding offended. "Where are you going, anyway?"

"To Lily's," James calls over his shoulder, already heading out his front door. Sirius' heavy-booted footsteps are close behind him. "She asked for my help baking cookies to campaign for Prom."

"You guys are quite the domestic couple, aren't you? Bring me some back!"

"Will do," says James, saluting him as he leaps down his front stairs.

"Oh, and I'll have you know - I look _damn good _in a cardigan!"

James laughs, loud and full, and everything feels _right. _Just as it should be. He has his best mate, and he has Lily.

He lets his good mood carry him to her front door, letting himself in without bothering to ring the doorbell because, fake or not, they're _there _again. That familiar space of comfort where he's welcome and wanted and _expected. _That happy little place where he's a constant in her life, and he doesn't want it to ever change.

"Honey!" he calls out in his best 1950's television husband voice. "I'm home!"

"Thank God." Lily's voice floats from the kitchen, followed shortly by the sight of her in the doorway. Her jeans have flour on the front, and her hair is tied up in a high, messy bun. There's a smudge of flour by her temple, where she probably tried to push her hair back. James wonders if she wound her hair around her finger like she does when she's unsure. "Pinterest might have made me a little too ambitious."

"You? Too ambitious? That's impossible." He's teasing her in a way that used to be natural and normal to them. In a way that almost makes him forget about the _fake_ in front of his boyfriend title. "Anything I can do to help?"

"Mary said we shouldn't use a box mix, so I tried to look up something. I thought, 'it can't be much harder than Chem, right? I'm good at that.' I told Mary I could handle it. So, I went on Pinterest, but all of the recipes must be designed by professionals or people with way too much time on their hands, because I can't even..." She throws her arms out to show whatever destruction he's bound to find. "I guess you can see for yourself. I'm a cookie failure."

"I'm sure it's not that bad," says James, following her into the kitchen before stopping abruptly. "Oh god - yeah. Okay, you weren't lying. It's pretty bad."

James is surprised more flour isn't covering Lily with the sheer amount spread over her kitchen counters. There are chocolate chips spilling onto the floor from a brutally torn open bag that never stood a chance and several mixing bowls filled with something too runny to be considered cookie dough.

"I don't know what happened. They're just _cookies_." Lily attempts to sweep up the chocolate chips on the counter with her hand, but they don't want to return to the torn bag. "Is it cheating if we ask your mom for help?"

"It's okay, it's okay," he answers, attempting to calm her. She's frazzled. Adorably so. "But I don't think we need my mom's help, actually."

"Well, I don't know what else to do. My mom's working overtime again, and Petunia would never -" Her eyes go wide. Lily covers her mouth with her hand, leaving another streak of flour across her cheek. "Petunia's going to murder me if she comes home to this."

"Petunia's not going to murder you, because I know what we're going to do. You're going to start cleaning up what you can, and I'm -" _I'm going to blow one of my biggest secrets and make you see how pathetic I really am when it comes to you. _"I'm going to start us a fresh batch of cookie dough."

Her hands drop to her side. "Are you sure? I remember when you almost blew up the lab in eighth grade Physical Science, and they didn't give us anything stronger than a bunsen burner."

James rolls his eyes. "You're misremembering. That was clearly Sirius." It wasn't.

She casts a desperate glance around the kitchen. "I could see if I have anything in my bank account so we could order something? As long as we don't tell Mary they're store bought."

"I'm not going to blow up your kitchen, Evans. I know what I'm doing."

"If you're sure…" She doesn't look entirely sure herself, but she still turns to find a washcloth in a drawer by the sink. After running the cloth under water, she starts scrubbing away the worst of the flour.

James sighs, finding one of the only clean mixing bowls left on the counter and eyeing the ingredients Lily already laid out wearily. It's not that he really _minds _Lily knowing that he bakes.

It's more of the fact that he only bakes for _her. _He isn't sure how she'll take it. If she'll be able to tell behind it all how not fake his feelings for her really are and if it'll scare her this early into everything.

"Did you want anything particular? Sugar? Chocolate chip? Both?"

She reaches up on her tiptoes to grab the roll of paper towels on the top of her fridge, and a bit of skin is exposed on her midriff when her shirt raises with her stretch. He feels his cheeks warm, so he tries to turn his back to her.

"I'd honestly take just about anything right now," she answers, looking over at him.

"Sugar would be easy to decorate." She's back on flat feet again and he feels like he can breathe easier.

"Sugar, then, since those are my favorite at Christmas. Do you know whatever your mom adds to them that makes them melt in your mouth?" She pushes her hair back again and manages to stay relatively flour-free.

"Yeah, I think I know." He measures out extra butter, tossing it into the bowl. "We could always make a batch of chocolate chip cookie dough for ourselves, chill it, and eat it later tonight? Like when we were kids? We could watch a movie or something. If you want to."

"Yeah." She offers a small smile and - he swears - a bit of warmth touches her cheeks. "That sounds great. Really great."

"Your mom working late tonight?"

Her smile drops. "It feels like she always is now. I mean, I get it. Petunia's taking community college classes, and next year I'll be…" Her cheeks definitely color this time. "I mean, they need her, so she gets a lot of overtime."

James doesn't miss the way Lily avoids the subject of college_. _It isn't something that they've talked about, really. He isn't sure where she's planning to go after high school, though he's seen college brochures in her room. The same ones that sit on his nightstand.

It fuels his hope that this could all work, the fact that they may be going to the same college in a few months. He has to let it. The alternative is that this all falls apart. That he's reminded of it everytime he sees her on campus or, even worse, they never see each other again.

"She works really hard, your mom," he says before changing the subject because he can tell she's desperate for it. "Do you want to help me make these? It looks less like a bomb went off now."

"Do you trust me not to mess it up?"

He grins. "You'll do fine. Measure out a teaspoon of the vanilla extract, grab an egg, and get yourself over here, Evans."

She does as he says and joins him by the counter, bumping her hip against his for good measure. "When did you learn your way around a kitchen, Potter?"

"Oh, you know -" He gestures vaguely, trailing off. "Do you have an electric mixer? It'd be easier than using a spoon."

"Um. Maybe?" She flashes him a smile that's too cute to be fair.

"Try the cabinet over the oven. That's where your mom usually keeps the can opener and stuff. It might be in there."

She pauses to give him a funny look but does it anyway. Lily goes onto her toes again, and James thinks this girl really might be the end of him. "I'm not sure I can…"

"Oh, I've got it," he says, feeling rather stupid. Lily is so much shorter than him, and he shouldn't have expected her to be able to reach so high.

The feeling of wanting to scold himself goes away almost immediately when he reaches over her head, grabs the mixer, and realizes on the way down that he's effectively trapped her between himself and the oven. At some point, she must have turned to ask for help. They're standing nearly nose to nose, her hands grasping the oven handle behind her.

It would be so easy, he thinks. So easy to dip his head down to kiss her, to use a hand at her jawline to tilt her face just so to give him better access.

His head is spinning_. _He feels as though he can't move, as though he's rooted to the spot.

_Move, you idiot! _The voice inside his head sounds slightly like Sirius, which is concerning that his subconscious would take on such a form. _Move or kiss her! Or do both at the same time! _

Then the front door opens and shuts with force. "Is that - ?" His question is cut off with a dramatic sigh coming from the hallway outside the kitchen.

Petunia is home.

Lily is suddenly even closer to him. Her arms are around his shoulders. She's on her toes to try to match his height. Her mouth is dangerously close to his. He can smell that mix of apple shampoo and a hint of vanilla that belongs to her. They're touching in a thousand places.

And Lily is kissing him.

It takes his mind ten seconds to catch up with what is happening, but, thankfully, his body goes into autopilot mode the moment her lips touch his and _knows _what to do. As if it's always known what to do when it comes to kissing Lily.

When time starts to flow normally for him again, he realizes that they're trading a series of open-mouthed kisses between them, chasing each other whenever one has to break away for a breath. James, feeling as though his heart is about to beat right out of his chest, cautiously brushes his tongue against hers. He wants, _just once, _to know how it feels to do it.

He wonders if he let his teenage boy desires betray him when she goes tense for a split second against him.

Then, he feels her sigh against his mouth, happily. He thinks he might have done something right, and he knows he has when he feels her tongue slip into his mouth.

He positively _groans. _

This... this is good. This is more than good. This whole tongue thing. He could get used to -

"_Oh my god," _a voice groans behind them, clearly disgusted. "Get a freaking _room!" _

Ah, Petunia. She's found them.

Lily is gone far too soon since any separation is too soon. James is fairly certain he could kiss Lily Evans forever.

"We have a room, Tuney." Her arms stay around him, but she looks past his shoulder at her sister. James selfishly hopes her heart is beating half as fast as his. "The kitchen. The one we're in. Can't you go to _your_ room and leave us alone?"

"The kitchen is _public domain, _Lily, god!" Petunia grabs a grape soda from the fridge and slams the door.

"So much for _public domain_ when you're being disgusting with -"

"At least clean up the flour mess you made. Mom works too hard to clean up after you!"

James' brow furrows at Petunia's retreating back. "Flour mess? _Oh!"_

Apparently, they caused the entire bag of flour to go toppling off the counter during their… _carelessness. _It's dusted across the kitchen floor and looks like snow. James realizes hazily that they've shifted downward somehow, no longer near the oven. There's a trail of flour handprints leading down the kitchen counter. James doesn't remember how they got there.

Lily sighs. "I should…" She sinks to flat feet and glances around the kitchen. James wonders if she's intentionally trying to avoid his gaze. "I'll clean up?"

"Yeah, yeah," he says, taking a step back from her and raking a hand through his hair. "I'll - I'll get these cookies in the oven?"

She nods, but it takes five seconds for them to stop looking at one another and get back to work. In those five seconds, James thinks of asking Lily if she'd rather nix the cookies and just make out.

Instead, they spend the rest of the time in the kitchen working in silence.

* * *

James' stomach is hurting, though it's not from a stomach bug. If it were, the sight of the pink and purple frosted sugar cookies that spell out "_Potter and Evans"_ he is currently carrying to the school cafeteria would have made him queasy. This sort of stomach ache feels more like knots being twisted in his abdomen. Like nerves causing his stomach acid to bubble uncontrollably.

He and Lily had agreed that they were the type of couple who kiss.

They had written it down.

Hell, they had _kissed _on it.

So why does last night's kiss feel so _different? _Why does it feel like he's crossed a line?

Perhaps it had something to do with the fact that there were tongues involved this time. Maybe he startled her. Maybe Lily didn't like being kissed with tongues. Maybe he had jumped the gun and ruined this whole thing, all because he couldn't get his stupid teenage boy hormones under control.

Lily had sat on the other end of the couch while they were watching Pretty in Pink afterward.

"Potter!"

Ah, Mary. Just the sound of her voice sends James' overly panicked thoughts to a screeching halt. It's a talent of hers, he muses, as he watches her stalk towards him.

"Macdonald!"

"Where have you been?"

"History?"

She yanks the cookies from him and inspects them before giving what James assumes is an approving sort of nod. "Class let out ten minutes ago! Lily's been sitting at the cookie booth waiting for you. We've already missed ten minutes of lunch, Potter. That's ten minutes worth of cookie campaigning, gone!"

James huffs. "It's a bit hard, you know, carting around my backpack as well as these cookies."

"Oh, forgive me. I forgot how hard it is for you to multitask," she says, rolling her eyes. "Look, I'm not managing a losing campaign here. You got that? Get in there, and use your obnoxiously charming face to push cookies!"

"My face is _not _obnoxiously charming!"

"Yeah, yeah," Mary says, pushing him along with such force he stumbles a bit and makes a little _oof _sound. "Hurry and find Lily! I got you a table toward the back of the cafeteria. Benjy was with her when I left. He's as obnoxiously tall as you are charming, so you should be able to spot him."

"Fenwick?"

James can't help the jealousy that starts to prickle up his spine at the mention of Fenwick being near Lily. He doesn't _want _to be that type of guy, that jealous boyfriend type. Lily's allowed to have guy friends.

It never bothered him when she would read in her treehouse with Remus for hours when they were in middle school. It didn't even bother him last week when he came home after a Saturday morning run to find Lily already in his basement, playing video games with Sirius.

So why does he want to rip Fenwick's windpipe out when he sees him standing next to Lily, _making her laugh? _

"Hey," James says, a little too gruffly for his own liking. Fenwick _is _obnoxiously tall. The bastard. "Sorry I'm late."

"Potter," Fenwick greets, not unkindly. He smiles at James like he actually is happy to see him. Like he actually _likes_ him. Like James doesn't remember that one time in eighth grade when he kissed the love of his life, goddammit.

"Hey," Lily echoes, moving down the bench to make room for him. "Did Mary find you? She's been a little… panicked."

"She practically hunted me down," James groans, sitting as close to Lily as possible without coming off as territorial or _weird. _"I think my head is still spinning from her shoving me around."

"That Mary. Her tactics are a bit… scary, but I think I kind of like them," says Fenwick, grinning like a fool.

"She gets results, that one," Lily adds. She turns to James, pushing her hair behind her ear. "Did the cookies survive the trip and Mary?"

"I guarded them with my life. If they're the least bit crumbled, it's Mary's fault. They were in perfect condition before I got here."

Fenwick peers over the tupperware, practically _looming. _"They look good to me," he says, cheerfully. "Mind if I'm your first customer?"

"That depends," Lily answers, grinning. "Who are you voting for Prom Court?"

"You, of course, and not just because Mary will throttle me if I don't."

It takes everything within James not to roll his eyes. He's afraid they'll get stuck that way, like his mother always threatens, if he does.

"Spread the word about these, would you?" asks James, handing Fenwick a cookie and hoping his real intention of getting him the fuck away from the table isn't showing.

It lands successfully, apparently, as Fenwick takes the cookie and salutes them before taking a bite and walking off.

Lily returns his salute and looks back at James. She hesitates, just for a split second and just long enough for him to notice, before bumping her shoulder against his. "How was class?"

"It was good," he says with a shrug. Maybe it's because he's so wound up by Fenwick's retreating figure and feeling like a despicable boy. Or maybe it's the fact that last night is still bothering him, and he simply has no tact. Either way, James can't stop himself from blurting out, "Are we okay?"

"Yeah," she replies automatically, almost defensively. Lily twists her fingers in her hair, like she used to when she was nervous. Which she _wasn't _around him, back when they were best friends. "I mean, I'm okay. I think we're okay. I thought… Was I too much? I know Petunia makes me so weird, and I could have totally crossed a line. I didn't mean to… to…"

"No, no! _God, _no. You're never too much," he sputters. His face feels incredibly hot. Why do they keep the cafeteria so damn hot? "I mean - I thought, if anything, _I _may have been too much, considering I did the - the _tongue _thing."

Bless Lily Evans and her inability to hide a blush.

"No. It wasn't too much. It was…" She shakes her head. "It was -"

"What's this?"

Lily's head snaps in the direction of the new voice. "Hi, Hannah." Her cheeks are still pink when she attempts a smile that he knows enough to know is fake. "Did you want a cookie? Vote Potter and Evans for Prom Court!"

Hannah's icy blue eyes narrow and she tosses her perfectly curled hair over her shoulder with a huff. "I've already had my carbs for the day."

"That's a shame," answers James, picking up one of his own cookies and taking a bite. "Lily and I made these ourselves and they're delicious. Aren't they, darling?"

Lily catches on quickly, scooting closer to him on the bench and adopting his sickeningly sweet tone. "Only you did most of it, _darling_. You know how useless I am in the kitchen." She takes the cookie from him and also takes a bite.

_That _smile isn't fake.

"Delicious," she agrees. "Just like your mom's at -"

James freezes, watching something like realization flash across her features as she looks at the cookie in her hand. He's nearly certain she's figured him out, but before he can know for sure, Holiday cuts them off, as is her method of madness.

"I hope you know that _sugar cookies_ won't help you win that crown," she says smugly. She crosses her arms and smirks. "Nice try, though."

"Do you think we should have made chocolate chip instead?" Lily answers, looking away from James as if nothing monumental happened between them. "Either way, we've locked some votes in already. I look forward to seeing your campaign strategy. Want to take one for later, in case you change your mind?"

Holiday says nothing. Instead, her nostrils flare in annoyance, and she spins on her heels - her hair whipping around almost violently - and marches back to her table.

James grins. "I think we've got her vote."

"Right next to Petunia's, I bet."

"Oh, definitely. Our two biggest supporters."

"Mary will have to sign them up for our next campaign fundraiser," she says. Lily still has their shared cookie in her hand, and she looks down at it, considering for a moment. "These are amazing, by the way. Much better than anything I could have done. Obviously." She glances up at him, looking thoughtful and a little amused. "When did you become such a good baker?"

"Oh, um," James starts, his voice cracking. Which is unfortunate. He's fairly certain he's already gone through puberty. "I picked up a few things here and there. Watching mom and all."

She shifts beside him, making him wonder if she's figured it out. If she knows what he's done and how far gone he is for her. Lily has always been too clever to keep much from her. "Christmas Eve is my favorite day of the year."

James opens his mouth, and he's ready to say a million things.

He wants to ask her if she knows - _really _knows - that he makes the cookies for her every year. If she knows all of the things he does for her and all of the things he _wants _to do for her. Does she even know how much she _means _to him for him to do that?

He wants to tell her that Christmas Eve is also his favorite day of the year. That he can't imagine a life where they don't spend Christmas Eve together every year.

He wants to say that he's terrified of what life is going to look like after high school, when they won't just be a house apart any longer.

He wants to ask if please, _please _can they make this _not so fake. _Can they please stay together like this for the rest of however long she wants him and let it be _real?_

But he doesn't get a chance to say anything, because a freshman girl comes up to them, bashfully asking for a cookie. He watches Lily's prom mask take over her features as she hands one to the girl with a campaign smile.

And he feels his mouth go too dry to speak.


	10. Paper Rings

**A/N: Don't forget to leave a comment! And follow us on our separate tumblrs (alrightginger and womeninthesequel)! **

**Chapter Ten: Paper Rings**

"_Kiss me once 'cause you know I had a long night. Kiss me twice 'cause it's gonna be alright. Three times 'cause I waited my whole life."_

Lily is probably on track to be the worst fake girlfriend in the entire history of fake girlfriends.

It was already bad enough that she needed Mary to remind her about Valentine's Day in the first place. It might have been an invented holiday to sell cards and chocolate, but Sirius wouldn't be the only suspicious one if Lily happened to skip their first one as High School Official Boyfriend and Girlfriend.

High school boyfriends and girlfriends were _supposed _to be unreasonably invested in Valentine's Day.

Not only that, but she didn't come up with the gift idea on her own. What did one buy for the reunited childhood best friend in their life who was also supposed to be turning into the perfect fake boyfriend to lead them to prom success? There were no buyer's guides when it came to shopping for fake boyfriends, childhood best friends, or James Potter.

Chocolates and teddy bears were too impersonal. Romantic vacations were definitely not appropriate and would drain her summer job savings. Would James find it silly if she came up with something sentimental?

Time worked against her, though, and giving him anything was better than an empty box. With Mary's help, she was able to pick something, even if she wasn't entirely sure of her decision. She clicked order and put in her credit card information before she could talk herself out of anything.

Hannah would somehow find out, she knew, if Lily didn't give her new boyfriend _something _for their first February 14th together.

Now, to add to her already bad track record, she waits by the mailbox like an absolute _fool_ on the infamous day. They have plans to meet tonight, and she can't show up empty-handed. She wouldn't blame James if that happened, if he teased her or even fake broke up with her over it.

All because she forgot to pay for expedited shipping.

She really is the worst fake girlfriend in the world.

Lily chews on her thumb nail nervously. Does the mail always come this late? If waiting on a gift for her fake boyfriend is this bad, how is she going to handle waiting for her college admission letters when they decide to come? Hasn't someone invited some kind of teleportation device that would make this easier?

Thankfully, her phone buzzes in her hand. Lily takes the welcome distraction from staring at the end of the road… until she sees who sent it.

_Tuney: Andersons need someone to watch their kids tonight. I told them you could do it. _

She shouldn't have wondered if this day could get any worse.

It absolutely could.

_Lily: Can't_

_Lily: I have plans with James_

Petunia's replies come before Lily can type anything else.

_Tuney: Vernon made reservations at an exclusive place downtown tonight. You wouldn't understand what this means to me, but tonight could be my big night._

Lily shakes her head to no one and grips her phone a little tighter. The idea of Vernon _proposing _makes her hate this day for a hundred different reasons. Petunia would call it jealousy, but it isn't that. Petunia is too good for him, not that she would ever believe Lily if she ever said it. They don't get along, but that doesn't mean -

_Lily: Congrats_

_Lily: But I didn't agree to babysit_

_Lily: I want to see James_

_Tuney: Don't be so selfish._

The truck pulls up and stops by her mailbox, but Lily barely even notices it. James' gift is probably here, but it doesn't matter if she can't see him. She isn't sure if it's frustration or anger or something else, but it burns inside her chest.

Her phone buzzes again before she can figure out why she's so angry.

This time, it's someone completely different from Petunia.

_Mrs. Anderson: Lily! You're a lifesaver!_

_Mrs. Anderson: Does 6 work for you?_

Petunia knows that Lily has a hard time letting people down. She knows that even though Lily didn't sign herself up for this, she's going to feel responsible if she says no.

Lily doesn't think it's an accident that Petunia texted the family first. She also doesn't think it's an accident that Lily was the first person she thought of when she couldn't fulfill her own obligations.

She knows that, no matter what, Lily is going to end up saying yes.

It's stupid to feel like crying over a fake date with a fake boyfriend.

But maybe Lily is allowed to be a little stupid every so often. Maybe she's selfish and the worst fake girlfriend and a horrible sister, but she was _excited _to see him.

She opens the mailbox to take out the eagerly anticipated package and tucks the rest of the mail under her arm. When she gets inside, she shoves the package in her bag by the door while she types one-handed to Ms. Anderson.

_Lily: I'll be there at 5:45_

* * *

_Lily: Hey_

_Lily: Petunia's the worst_

_Lily: Are you able to cancel the reservation for tonight?_

_**James: I should be able to. **_

_**James: What's up Evans?**_

_Lily: Petunia told someone I could babysit_

_Lily: Bc it's Valentine's_

_Lily: And she OBVIOUSLY has to go out with Vermin_

_**James: Of fucking course she did. **_

_**James: You know Valentine's day is the number one holiday for cheesy proposals Evans. James: I can't believe you were almost selfish enough to deprive her of that.**_

_Lily: First of all, GROSS_

_Lily: Second, she already told me I'm the MOST selfish little sister in the WORLD_

_Lily: But I also told Mrs Anderson I could do it_

_**James: God **_

_**James: Can you imagine? **_

_**James: She comes home...ENGAGED.**_

_**James: SHE WILL BE PETUNIA DURSLEY**_

_Lily: You're going to make me sick_

_**James: They'll have the wedding at sea bc it's always been Petunia's dream to get married on a fancy boat **_

_**James: I'll have to be your date of course**_

_**James: In the event there's a Titanic situation, I'll let you have the floating door **_

_**James: Since you can't swim **_

_Lily: [I'm on a ]_

_Lily: Unless I die of disgust before that_

_Lily: I'll be the first documented case _

_Lily: Your dad can use my body for research_

_**James: Please don't die on me. **_

_**James: I can't go on without you. **_

_**James: I'd have to do library duty in civic alone**_

_Lily: Pince will be glad to have you to herself_

_Lily: She LOVES you_

_Lily: And don't worry_

_Lily: I bet Mary would let you be her plus one_

_Lily: Wouldn't want to miss the wedding of the DECADE_

_**James: NO**_

_**James: Mary scares me **_

_**James: I think she might be stronger than me **_

_**James: I still have bruises from the other day where she hassled me about being late with the cookies **_

_Lily: Okay but I gave her the last one, so I think you're forgiven_

_Lily: She wouldn't stop asking me what I added to make them so melt-y_

_**James: Did you tell her it was love?**_

_**James: I mean it was technically butter**_

_**James: But it's basically the same thing **_

_**James: I cannot choose a proper Paula Deen gif to get my point across here**_

_**James: But trust me on this **_

_Lily: No, I told her chem labs aren't food safe so idk_

_Lily: Vermin just pulled in_

_Lily: He's wearing a SUIT AND TIE_

_Lily: SOS_

_**James: NO**_

_**James: Send a pic **_

_Lily: [Picture]_

_**James: Omg he looks ridiculous **_

_Lily: I'm hiding in my room_

_Lily: I can't deal with them rn_

_**James: It's going to happen tonight **_

_**James: Vermin is going to be your brother in law **_

_Lily: Guess I'm not getting dinner before I leave_

_Lily: He came inside and he's STILL HERE_

_**James: wtf**_

_**James: Aren't they supposed to be going to dinner?**_

_**James: You don't think he'll propose in your hallway do you?**_

_**James: Bc that would be pathetic**_

_**James: But he's pretty pathetic soooo**_

_Lily: DON'T EVEN SUGGEST THAT_

_Lily: Maybe the kids will find some way to give me amnesia _

_Lily: So I can forget all of this is happening_

_**James: I'm sure they could **_

_**James: The Anderson kids are pretty wild **_

_**James: I'm also pretty sure the oldest one has a crush on me **_

_**James: She'd make you lose your memory and try to take me for herself**_

_Lily: Have you watched the Anderson girls before?_

_Lily: I'll watch my back_

_Lily: We still have prom!_

_**James: No but we share a fence line and I'm pretty sure she tosses her ball over a few times a week on purpose **_

_Lily: Do you throw it back with a perfect spiral?_

_Lily: (See, I know sports)_

_**James: Ha**_

_**James: It was a soccer ball so I spiked it **_

_Lily: GOOOOOOOOAL_

_Lily: That's it_

_Lily: I'm sneaking out the back door_

_**James: GOOD LUCK **_

_Lily: I'll tell Jessie you say hi 3_

* * *

"But I don't _like _those chicken nuggets!"

With a sigh, Lily digs the discarded package out of the trash can _again_ so she can check the brand name for the fifth time. "These are the ones your mom left, Jessie. She said they're your favorite."

"I don't want them!" the little girl declares, shoving her plate across the table. Lily looks up in time to dive into the dining room to catch it before it can crash against the floor.

"Maybe you can eat one more?" Lily asks, failing to hide the note of desperation in her voice. She offers the plate. "Then you can have a cookie. Can that be our deal? Your mom wants you to eat, so -"

A small hand tugs on the hem of her shirt, pulling her away from the nugget crisis. "I can't find Allie!" The younger girl, Loren, looks close to tears, and Lily wonders if she's going to follow her.

No wonder Petunia was more than happy to realize that she had important other plans on the same night as these. This is much less relaxing than a night with her - fake, she reminds herself - boyfriend would have been.

Lily bends down to meet the girl's eye level. She pushes some hair behind Loren's ear and takes her tiny hand. "Maybe he forgot to tell you that he's playing Hide and Seek! Don't worry. I'll help you, and we'll find him."

"Do you promise?"

Presenting a pinky, Lily smiles. It's for herself as much as Loren. "Marauder Swear."

Loren nods seriously and links their fingers. After a moment, her face splits into a grin. "I'll start counting!" She runs off to bury her head in a couch cushion and slowly recites numbers.

Lily stands again and puts the plate on the table. "One more chicken nugget and you're done. Then you can have _two_ cookies before bed. Okay?"

Jessie stops to consider it. "What if -"

The doorbell rings.

Lily spins toward the door and grabs her phone from her back pocket, checking to make sure several hours haven't passed without her knowledge. It can't be time for their parents to be home yet. Even though dinner feels like it lasted a year, it couldn't have been that long. She doesn't want the Andersons to walk into her being completely unable to control their children. They're supposed to be able to have a nice night.

There's only one text waiting for her from Mary. She glances at the screen long enough to know that it isn't something urgent. Just Mary planning out which store they should hit tomorrow morning for the February 15th candy sales. Ordinarily, Lily would have opinions, but she doesn't have time until the kids go to bed.

"One more chicken nugget!" Lily calls over her shoulder as she starts toward the door.

Maybe it's a lost insurance salesman who can be convinced that they aren't home, even though all of the downstairs lights are on.

She has enough good sense to check the peephole first. The first rule of babysitting is that she has to keep the kids alive. Letting some stranger in wouldn't accomplish that.

_No way._

Lily freezes with her fingers hovering over the knob, suddenly and incredibly aware of how she looks.

Her shirt is a bit small for her, since it's from a middle school trip to the zoo, but it was the only casual thing left in her dresser. Lily anticipated being able to put off laundry for another day, since she was going to wear a dress from the back of her closet tonight.

When her plans changed, she didn't have a babysitting outfit ready to go. She came to the Andersons' house in a nice sweater, but it was discarded quickly. Babies don't care if a sweater is cute while having their pre-bedtime bottle. She braided her hair after her last shower, so it still holds some of the waves she wanted for their date. In the course of playing and making dinner, however, she already swept it into a ponytail. She didn't even bother to bring lip gloss with her.

But she can't just _ignore _the person on the other side.

With a glance back at the girls, she opens the door. The cold air rushes in, and it makes her realize that she wishes that she picked jeans that didn't have such big holes on her thighs. They were cool when she bought them, but they've torn more since then and -

It shouldn't matter. The person on the other side of the door has seen her with mud soaked clothes and scabbed knees. They were close years ago, and now he's her friend again. He could handle a few holes in her jeans.

Would she stress this much about what she was wearing in front of Sirius?

Definitely not, she knows as she swings the door open.

"Hi." She offers him a smile and pretends that her heart isn't hammering in her chest. Lily leans a shoulder against the doorframe in an attempt to look at ease. "What brings you here?"

"A certain redhead who I know for a fact didn't eat any dinner."

James is standing there with two large pizza boxes and a heart-stopping grin.

Why is he always so confusing for her heart? It doesn't know whether to beat twice its normal speed or stop completely.

"Oh," she answers. "You didn't have to. I thought I might have... whatever they didn't finish."

There's a crash behind her, followed by a voice at her elbow. "Who's that?" Jessie peeks around the door and ducks under Lily's arm with a grin that nearly matches James' in size. "Hi, James. Did you come to visit us?"

"Who's here?" Loren says from the couch, bouncing on the cushion. "I want to see!"

"You better come in," Lily says, reaching out to pull him into the house. If anyone asks, she'll insist that she didn't need the girls clamouring to the door to make more noise and wake the baby. She doesn't have to answer why her hand stays on his arm once he's inside. "I'm glad you're here," she whispers before looking back at her expectant charges. "Girls, you both know James, right?"

"'Course they do," James says. He gives Jessie a wink, which causes her to dissolve into a fit of giggles. James _would _have that effect on girls of all ages. "You girls want some pizza?"

"Yes!" Jessie answers, practically jumping up and down. She tugs on the edge of James' shirt to get his attention and fails to whisper. "Lily made the wrong chicken nuggets."

While suppressing the desire to roll her eyes, Lily notes that the previous crash was likely from the plate that's now laying on the floor by the table. "There's the same ones that -"

"I want pizza!" Loren adds, bounding over to them.

"Well, lucky for all of us, I happened to pick up two large pizzas. There's more than enough," says James with a grin. "Does your mom let you eat in the living room? I was thinking we could watch a movie while we eat?"

"Yes!" cheers Jessie.

"A _princess _movie," insists Loren, looking very serious. "We have to watch a princess movie!"

"I'll get _Tangled_," Lily says. "And plates. James, can you figure out how the TV works?"

"I can help!" Jessie exclaims. She grabs James' hand and races them to the other side of the couch.

"Eugene is my favorite Disney prince," says James, falling onto the couch and catching the remote that Jessie tosses him with ease. "Though I'm not sure he really _counts _as a prince."

"He _is _a prince!" exclaims Loren, jumping on the chair next to James. "He marries Rapunzel in the end! That makes him a prince!"

"Being a Disney prince is more of a mindset, anyway." Lily puts plates in everyone's hands and moves the pizza boxes onto the coffee table so she can sit next to James. "Plus, he's got a good heart. He totally counts as a prince."

Jessie flops onto the couch on James' other side and pokes him with the side of her plate. "Can I have the first one? I want the air bubble!"

"The air bubble is all yours, kid," says James, giving her a slice. He bumps Lily with his shoulder. "What about you, Evans? Any special requests? Other than extra cheese, of course."

"You can feed the kids first," she answers, her heart not knowing what to do with him remembering her regular pizza order. "Since they need to get to bed at some -"

"Lily," Loren interrupts, "is James your boyfriend?"

Lily freezes. The opening of the Disney castle plays loudly over her silence as she looks to James for help.

"Yep," says James, simply. Almost… proudly? But that can't be right. It's one thing to fake it for the school. It's another to fake it for children who don't even know their arrangement or the weight of prom court.

Right?

"_Ewwww!" _giggles Loren. "Have you guys _kissed?" _

"_Loren!" _cries Jessie, looking horrified, then curious. "Wait - have you?"

"It doesn't matter," Lily answers, feeling herself blush, despite the fact that she's talking to children. "Watch the movie."

Jessie's expression doesn't drop, but her jaw does.

"I want to know!" Loren adds, mouth full of pizza and legs kicking out excitedly. "Are you like Rapunzel and Flynn Rider?"

"Rapunzel and Flynn Rider _kiss?"_ gasps James in mock outrage. "You can't ruin the movie for me like that!"

"You already said you've seen it!" Loren says, shrieking with laughter.

Lily leans in to whisper conspiratorially to her. "Maybe he tried to skip the kissing part."

She backs away to pull two slices of pizza out of the box. Lily sets them on a plate between her and James. "Make sure you eat, Miss Spoilers," she reminds them.

Loren takes a big bite and looks to the TV with wide eyes as the first scene opens. She knows every lyric to sing along loudly and manages to draw her older sister into it.

"_SEVEN AM: THE USUAL MORNING LINEUP!"_

Lily nudges James' hand with her knuckle while trying to look like she's intent on eating her pizza. "What do you think their parents will hear about _this_?"

"About what, exactly?" asks James, covering his mouth as he chews. Why is _that _even attractive? "The fact that you have a devastatingly handsome boyfriend? Or that, _gasp, _you've _kissed _said boyfriend?"

"Maybe that my - what was it? - 'devastatingly handsome boyfriend' stopped by to bribe us with pizza? Not that I actually mind." She takes a bite to prove her point. She dares herself to move a little closer to him on the couch. "Is it because Sirius ditched you for Remus for the night?"

James snorts. "No, they didn't. They were going to a movie, and actually asked Pete and me to tag along, but it would've been awkward."

"Peter didn't go with them, did he?"

"Nah, he's been sort of a jerk lately," says James with a shrug. "He's been complaining about all of us having _significant others _while he's all alone. Though, truthfully, we've been asking him to hang out, and he hasn't really been responding."

Lily isn't sure where a fake girlfriend is supposed to fit into the strains on James' time. She doesn't want to push apart friends… but she can't deny that she's glad that he chose her tonight. "We should invite him out sometime. Bring Mary and everyone and hang out like we used to."

"Yeah, that would be fun. But it's okay, you know. I would have much rather seen you today anyway," he continues. "I mean, what kind of boyfriend would I be if we didn't spend our first Valentine's Day together?"

She squeezes his hand. "You definitely get boyfriend points tonight."

"Besides," he says, giving her a smirk. "Mr. and Mrs. Anderson already know I'm here. I texted them to make sure it was okay first. I do yard work occasionally for them, so I have their number. Wouldn't want them coming home to the scandal of the century. I mean, what if they caught us making out? Because we do that sometimes, you know."

"James! What will the girls think?" Lily darts a quick glance to the kids, who have finished their slices but left the crust on their plates. She'll take that as a dinner victory.

James laughs. "They'll think we're Eugene and Rapunzel, of course."

She wants to lean closer to him, but she has to remind herself to sit back so the girls don't turn to stare at them. They burst into giggles, but it isn't at her. They're happily entertained by watching Flynn run toward the tower and be knocked out with a frying pan.

"You think of everything, don't you? Coming here, bringing food, texting the Andersons. That's… thanks, James, really. I know Petunia tried to ruin everything, but this is one of the best - Wait!"

Jessie turns back to her. Lily waves her hand to tell her to go back to the movie.

"Your present is in my bag," she confines in a low voice. "After we put the kids to bed, maybe we can… hang out? Let everyone else have some privacy on Valentine's Day."

She doesn't mention that delaying her arrival home tonight is probably for the best.

"Yeah," agrees James. "That sounds great. I left yours at my house, so I can swing by and get it later. I'm not sure it's kid appropriate."

What does that even mean?

For about the tenth time, Lily wonders if there's some way to take back the gift she got him and find something else.

What was she thinking?

"After they're in bed," she repeats. "Not sure we want commentary, as cute as it might be."

"Definitely don't want any commentary. Or any broken hearts," mutters James, nodding towards Jessie, who is now leaning sleepily against him.

She can't help but smile at the image of the little girl pressing her cheek against his shoulder and hugging a pillow. "You're a good first crush, James. You'll make sure she keeps her standards high."

"Ha," says James. He looks almost shy. "You flatter me."

"You got compared to _Eugene_." She almost mirrors Jessie's position by finding a comfortable spot against his shoulder. "Did you know that Disney based him off a focus group's responses about their perfect man?"

"No," snorts James. "You're joking."

"I know my Disney Trivia. I beat Mary at Disney Scene It every time we play."

"But he's so cocky! I'm half in love with him myself."

She muffles a laugh against her hand. "Someone might call you that too. Remember when you wouldn't stop shouting after the Homecoming game about your 'Superbowl worthy' pass? Or maybe the next weekend, when you were bragging about _those_ passes."

"Alright, alright," he says, holding his hands up in mock surrender. "So maybe I'm a _bit _cocky. When the situation calls for it."

"Maybe," she agrees, nestling into his shoulder. "You should try the smolder on Hannah. Then she'd have to vote for us."

"I don't have a smolder. I have a _smirk." _

"My mistake. Maybe _that's _our secret to royalty."

Loren turns toward them and makes a face. "Are you even _watching_?"

"Of course," says James. "They're about to go to the festival. It's my favorite part."

"It's my favorite part too!" says Loren. "I love when they dance. Have you and Lily ever danced, James?"

"No, not yet," says James, shaking his head. "But we will. Lily and I are going to prom together."

"_Ooooh!" _coos Loren, clapping her hands together. "That's so romantic!"

Lily sits up and starts to collect the plates into a pile. "Is this how you're asking me to go to prom with you, Potter?"

Loren looks torn over whether the movie or teenagers on her couch are the more interesting thing to watch.

"Nah, I've got something else planned. Though maybe I _should_ ask you now. You wouldn't turn me down in front of these two little girls, would you?"

"I don't know," she replies, but she knows she's grinning. "What do you think, girls?"

Loren bounces in her seat, movie forgotten for the moment. "Lily! You have to say yes!"

At first, Jessie doesn't look so sure, but then the worried line on her forehead disappears. "You should say yes," she says almost sagely.

"Well, if you both think so, it must be a good idea." Lily nods seriously and turns back to him. "I guess we're going to prom."

"I guess so," says James, smiling so wide Lily wonders if it hurts. "I didn't even have to bust out the row boat and paper lanterns."

On the screen, the characters are singing about seeing the light. This, more than any other time, feels like there's a soundtrack to her life like there is in movies.

"You did say you have something else planned, so you have time."

Loren pokes her knee.

"Yes?"

The little girl pokes her harder and looks annoyed.

"What am I…?"

"You have to _kiss him_," she insists. "That's what they _always _do in the princess movies!"

"We do?" sputters James, helplessly. "I'm not sure prom is the same thing…"

"It is!" cries the younger girl. "At the end of every princess movie, the prince and princess decide they want to be together and kiss! You two said you want to go to prom together! You have to kiss on it!"

"Don't we kiss _at _prom? Not before the big moment where they reveal -"

"No," Jessie interjects, rolling her eyes in a good imitation of someone a few years older. "You kiss _now_. Prom is the pretty scene at the end when the camera goes away!"

"Well…" Lily looks over at him. "Do you promise to be good and go to bed after the movie?"

Jessie nods and prods her sister's side. "They need _alone time_," she whispers.

Lily's cheeks flush and she struggles for a reply.

"We'll be good!" Loren adds. "Kiss, kiss, kiss!"

Loren's chants are so loud that Lily begins to panic that she'll wake the baby.

Then, she starts to panic over the whole having to kiss to shut her up aspect of it all, because she's not so sure kissing in front of the kids she's supposed to be watching is professional. Especially when one has a crush on your fake boyfriend and may end up heartbroken.

"Alright, alright," says James, rolling his eyes.

He leans over and, as if on instinct, Lily's eyes flutter shut. It seems only natural. If James Potter leans in for a kiss, it's almost as if her body goes into autopilot mode. The traitor.

Her heart seems to have slipped somewhere between her throat and chest when she feels his lips brush… her cheek.

He's pulling away before she can fully register her disappointment.

"There," he says, grinning. Completely unaware, of course, that she had been expecting more. "Happy now?"

"Ugh, no!" scoffs Loren. "That doesn't count!"

"Does too," taunts James. "And look at that! Movie's over! So time for bed. We kissed and held up our end of the bargain. Now, it's your turn."

"You _barely _kissed," mutters Loren.

"I'm going to bed," Jessie announces. She looks a little too pleased with herself when she stands. Tilting her chin back and putting her hands on her hips, she focuses on James. "I want James to read my story."

"Yes. Perfect." Lily agrees quickly because it's easier than trying to figure out why a cheek kiss bothers her so much. She also stands to herd the girls toward the hallway. "You can have James all to yourself."

Loren is still grumpy, but she lets Lily lead her away from the couch.

"Come on, girls," says James, standing and stretching. "One story, and then to bed."

Lily watches as the girls clamor around James and into their shared room, arguing about which story they want to hear.

For the first few minutes, she distracts herself by cleaning up and finding all of the dirty dishes. Jessie's rejected nuggets find their home in the trash, and Lily discovers that her cup somehow ended up under the couch. Lily over-rinses the plates in the sink before loading them into the dishwasher. She folds all of the blankets and fluffs the pillows before admitting to herself that she's just trying to keep herself busy.

With a sigh that Petunia would definitely call overly dramatic, Lily falls back on the couch. She drops her head to the back and indulges herself in another sigh.

Why is she so bothered?

James didn't have to show up at all, and he didn't have to bring dinner. She was complaining via text, but he didn't have to _do _anything about it. That wasn't one of the requirements listed in their notebook.

They agreed that they were the type of couple that kissed… But that didn't mean they had to make out every chance they got. They were _pretending_. So it shouldn't bother her that he kissed her on the cheek. Kissing him in front of Jessie and Loren isn't going to win her Prom Queen.

And he's her _friend_.

She wouldn't want Sirius to kiss her.

It's the same.

Absolutely. Definitely.

The sound of little girl giggles come from the end of the hall. Some of Lily's inexplicable bad mood disappears when she turns her head to peek over the back of the sofa. The door is only open enough for her to see the dim glow of the reading light.

"'All children grow up. All except one,'" James' voice floats down the hall. Apparently they decided on _Peter Pan_. Lily closes her eyes and listens to James' voice. He has always been a good storyteller. "'Wendy learned this when she was playing…'"

Why aren't all teenage boys like James Potter?

Lily doesn't make herself resist the urge to pad down the carpeted hallway toward his voice. Lily pushes the door open a few inches and leans her shoulder against the doorframe. She tries to be quiet, but it likely doesn't even matter.

Both girls are miraculously in their own beds with their attention rapt on James. Somewhere, Loren found the stuffed alligator whose disappearance caused her mini meltdown and hugs it tightly. Jessie looks at the pages as James reads them, mouthing some of the lines with him.

It's like he's _trying _to make her fall in love with him.

"I think that's enough for tonight," says James, shutting the book and causing both girls to groan in protest. He spots Lily in the doorway and smiles. "Alright, Evans?"

"I'm alright," she answers softly. If he was any closer to her, he would probably hear her thudding pulse.

She looks away from him to check on Jessie and Loren (and avoid giving anything away in her gaze) before bending down to ensure that their night light is working. "Good night, girls. Sleep well."

Holding the door open for him with one hand, Lily pauses by the baby's room to check that it's still quiet in there. She only hears the soothing whoosh of the white noise machine.

"We did it." She turns toward him again and resolves to not let any of her weird teenage angst ruin their night. "Not sure if I could have without you."

"Nah," he says, close enough that she can smell whatever it is he wears that entices her so much. "You would have been fine, but I'm glad I was able to help. Not a bad first Valentine's Day, don't you think?"

"Not bad at all."

It's an understatement, but she doesn't need to admit all of that.

It's perfectly fine to slip her hand into his, isn't it?

She can hear the sound of someone unlocking the front door when she gets out into the living room. Having James here made the whole night better, and it also gave her time to clean up before the parents got home. She didn't want to leave them with a messy house on the most romantic day of the year.

Did the time really go by that quickly?

"Hello!" Mr. Anderson calls once he's inside, clearly aware enough of his kids to know exactly how loud he can talk while they're supposed to be asleep. "How'd it go, Lily? Kids cause you any trouble?"

"No," she answers. "They were good. James helped."

"All I did was bring pizza," says James.

Mr. Anderson gives them a knowing look and hangs his coat on a hook by the door.

"It sounds like they went to sleep okay," Ms. Anderson says, unwinding her scarf and closing the door behind her. "Thank you again, Lily."

"It's no problem."

She blamed Petunia for her change in plans, though she isn't really complaining now. She has James' hand in hers and still got to spend time with him.

Pizza is more of their scene than a fancy restaurant, anyway.

Ms. Anderson's eyes move down to their linked hands, and the corner of her mouth turns into a smile. "The old people are home now. You kids should go have fun. It's Valentine's Day."

* * *

Lily didn't want to go back to her house.

James suspects it has something to do with Petunia and the possibility of a ring on her finger. He really can't blame her for wanting to delay the inevitable. As much as Petunia and Lily fight now, they had once upon a time been as close as sisters could possibly be. Petunia had even joined them on their childhood games of tag and hide and seek, before she decided she was too mature for such things, and Lily was far too _weird_.

If Petunia were to come home engaged tonight, it would put the last brick in the wall that had been building between them for some time now. As much as Lily would never admit it, James knows it would absolutely crush her.

James is more than willing to provide her with a distraction from such things for a little while.

"My parents are going to be gone for a couple more hours," says James, leading her up the stairway to his bedroom. "And Sirius and Remus shouldn't be back for a while, so we should have the place to ourselves for a bit."

"Perfect." Lily doesn't need a guide to know which door is his. "I hope you know, Mary is going to demand details of Valentine's night alone in your house if she finds out."

"You can tell her I seduced you on my twin bed," laughs James, throwing himself down on his desk chair. "And it was every bit as awkward as it sounds."

Lily sat on the edge of his bed. "Are you saying that the seduction should happen in my room? I have a full."

"I'm saying we need at least a queen for performance value."

"A queen for a queen!" Lily laughs and soon James is laughing too. It feels so natural and normal. Like there isn't a four year gap in their friendship, and there isn't a notebook full of rules detailing what their relationship should look like now.

It feels so real that, for a moment, James forgets he's not Lily's actual boyfriend. He grabs the pink-wrapped box off his office desk and scoots his chair over to where she's sitting on his bed.

"Lily," he says, their knees brushing now that he's so close. He doesn't even have to stretch his hands out to give her the gift. "Happy Valentine's Day."

"Happy Valentine's Day, James," she says, her expression a little more serious. Her fingers flex like she isn't quite sure what to do with them. "I got you something too, but it's…"

James shakes his head. "I'm sure whatever you got me is brilliant. Open mine first, though."

She nods and looks down at the box. After a second, she slips a finger under the seam of the wrapping paper.

This is different from what he remembers.

Lily usually joined him in the chaos of ripping open their presents as quickly as possible. Christmas Eve was a mess of flying paper. That was part of the fun. At his childhood birthday parties, she was usually bouncing in her seat so much with anticipation that he demanded that she help him unwrap his own presents from her.

Now, she opens the present across the seam like she's trying to save the paper.

Lily takes out the box inside. James swears it goes absolutely _silent_ in the pause she takes before opening it.

That silence continues when her mouth opens. Lily delicately touches the knife like it might shatter and looks up at him with wide eyes. "James…"

"Shit," he swears. "Do you hate it? I knew I should have gone with something a bit more…" - _subtle, less obvious that I'm completely in love with you - _"traditional."

"No!" she says quickly. "Oh my God, James, it's…" Lily reaches the short distance between them to take his hand. "I love it." Her eyes have the intensity she gets when she's advocating for a cause. "But you didn't have to. You already insisted on paying for our dates, and this is…" She struggles to find her next words.

"I wanted to get you something that shows how happy I am that we're _us _again." He gestures between them with the hand she's still holding. "That maybe… Okay, I know it sounds stupid, and we aren't exactly the same kids we were at fourteen, but I've just - I've _missed _you. You know. And I'm so thankful for this chance to be friends again. I wanted to bring something from the past, sort of, to whatever future it is that we have. For… future us. The new us."

God, he's rambling and not making any damn sense. He can't stop himself. He's on the verge of making himself look like a fool in front of her.

"I'm such an idiot," Lily interrupts, cutting him off mid-ramble. She meets his eyes again and must realize he needs more of an explanation. "Of course I missed you too, James. Being friends again is the best thing that's happened to me in awhile."

_Friends. _

It makes his heart happy to know that they're there again.

Except, it doesn't really feel like they're friends. Not really. At least, not to him. It feels like something more, but it also feels so fragile that it may crumble if he mentions it.

"You really like it?" he asks, quietly. "It's not… _too much?"_

"I mean, it _is_ too much." She starts to smile, so he knows she's at least partly teasing. "But I still love it. You were right about how to do this. I wish I was half as thoughtful as you, because this - you - are perfect."

"Maybe we can put this one to use with a new carving." James bumps her leg with his knee. "Four years is a long time to be without your best friend, don't you think?"

She really smiles this time, full and bright enough to light up the room, even though it's dark outside. "Yeah, it is. We're not doing that again." She lifts their joined hands to twist their pinky fingers together. "Marauder swear."

"Marauder swear," he repeats.

Their pinkies are still linked when they drop their hands. The rest of James' fingers twitch, wanting to lace together with hers.

"I guess it's my turn," Lily says, her gaze sliding from their fingers to the bag by her feet. "I did get you something. As a warning, it's…" Lily ducks to open her bag and pulls out a wrapped bundle. "It's stupid. I'll get you something better."

"I'm sure you're being too hard on yourself. I'll love whatever you get me."

James takes the gift, tearing into the wrapping paper covered in hearts with much more force than Lily did.

"Are these," he starts, "socks?"

"Yes," she answers, hiding her face with one hand. "Mary found this website where you could order custom ones, so I had this stupid idea that it would be hilarious if you had ones with my face. Since high school couples are so obsessed with each other, or…. I don't know. I panicked and they almost didn't even come in time, which would have been even _worse_. I'll get you something else. After what you got me -"

"Are you kidding me?" he says loudly. Christ, he's almost shouting. He can't seem to remember how to control the volume of his voice. "I _love _these. Don't you dare get me anything else. Nothing could ever top this. I'm going to put these on right now."

He pushes his chair far enough back to be able to kick his shoes off and peel his old, boring, Lily-less socks off his feet. He replaces them with his new red pair with beaming smaller versions of Lily scattered across them, framed in little hearts.

God, and he thought he couldn't love this girl anymore.

"Mary had me do a whole _photoshoot_ for the right look." She lowers her hand enough to see that he's serious and manages to laugh. "At least they fit?"

"I'm never going to take them off," he says. He uses his playful nature to take a chance to sit next to her on the bed, sticking a foot in her face. "Ever. People will tell me that my feet smell awful, and I'll say, 'thanks, it's my girlfriend.'"

"Not until after prom, I hope." Lily bats at his foot and falls back on the bed. "No one is going to vote for old socks!"

"They will with your pretty face all over them. They'll look at them and say, 'now that's a queen I trust.'"

"As long as I'm more trustworthy than Hannah Holiday." Lily tugs on his arm to pull him to lay down next to her. She turns on her side. "Isn't this better than feet in my face?"

"Much better."

And it is. A million miles better.

It's familiar, here, in his bed, which is comforting.

Their whole childhood, it seems, happened around here. Mapping out Marauder club rules. Reading _James and the Giant Peach _and so many other books, until Lily absolutely had to go home or she would risk being grounded.

Games of truth, because Lily didn't want to play the actual _dare _part of the game. Not after the episode where Sirius dared her to cut a lock off of Petunia's hair, and she hadn't been allowed back at James' house for two weeks.

"Hey, Evans?" James says after several moments pass.

"Yeah?"

"Wanna play a game of truth?"

"Like when we were kids?"

"Yeah. What do you think? You up for a round?"

"Okay." She starts to smile and looks comfortable enough to fall asleep right there. "Do you really like your socks?"

"_Yes," _says James with a snort. "That shouldn't even count. I love them so much that I literally stuck my feet in your face."

"You did that when we were eight because I splashed you at the pool. I had to be sure." She snuggles into his pillow and nudges his knee with hers. "Your turn."

"What are you going to do after we graduate?"

"Go to college." Her response is automatic. For a few seconds, he thinks that's all she's going to say. "Somewhere with a good pre-med program. Somewhere that I don't have to live across the hall from Petunia. Somewhere I can get a scholarship." Lily shrugs with one shoulder. "What about you?"

James pauses, his mouth opening but not entirely sure of what he's going to say. What he's _supposed_ to say. Going to college has always been his answer whenever his mother or one of his teachers would ask him.

But… what is he actually going to _do _there? He hasn't given it much thought, truthfully. He hasn't given anything other than Lily Evans much thought recently.

"I'm not sure," he says finally. Honestly. Because it's a game of truth and because he feels comfortable enough to tell Lily he hasn't got a plan yet without her judging him. "Obviously, I'll go to college, but I'm not sure what happens after I get there. It's sort of scary to think about."

"It is," she agrees. "I know where I fit in here, but what am I going to be there? What if what I think about myself is wrong? What if I have a whole plan, and it doesn't..." Lily shifts so they end up that much closer. "Maybe it's better not to have it all figured out. Then you aren't stuck in an idea that doesn't work."

"Yeah," says James. "Yeah, and then you're not so disappointed when things don't work out. When they don't go your way."

James yawns, his eyes feeling suddenly droopy and heavy. He takes his glasses off, rubbing them sleepily and noticing the clock says a blurry midnight with his poor eyesight. He rolls over so they're nearly nose to nose.

"I forgot what you look like without glasses." Lily lifts her hand between them like she might touch his face before she thinks better of it.

He wonders if he should ask Lily if she wants to go home, but he doesn't want to mess this up.

"My turn again?" he asks.

She nods. "Your turn."

"Can I kiss you?" he asks, feeling somewhere between very stupid and very brave. "For real?"

Lily leans her forehead against his. "Can I ask you a question first?" Her voice is barely above a whisper.

"Anything."

"Do you make my cookies on Christmas Eve?"

It's silly, but it's also not.

"Of course, I do," he says, chuckling. He doesn't feel any sort of embarrassment over it anymore. "Clever girl."

She smiles sleepily. The smile is a bit like when she gets a right answer in class, but it's softer. Lily is usually at least a little guarded. Now, with each blink getting slower and her body moving closer to him, she doesn't have any kind of wall between herself and the rest of the world - or between herself and him.

"You can kiss me for real, James."

He doesn't really have to lean in, not when she is just _right there. _All he has to do is angle her head just right with two fingers underneath her chin, and their lips are brushing.

It's different from any of the other kisses they've shared.

It's soft and slow and they're taking their time. They aren't feeling any sort of urgency. Any sort of rush. Not feeling like this kiss has to be a show for someone else.

Instead of fire like there was before, it's deep like the ocean. Pulling him further in, further down. Until his eyes flutter shut, staying that way.

And he falls asleep kissing Lily Evans.


	11. Daylight

**A/N: We wrote this in a day after being super pumped about the amount of love the last chapter got. **

**We hope you enjoy this very Lily focused chapter!**

**Don't forget to review!**

**Chapter Eleven: Daylight**

"_I'll tell you the truth but never goodbye."_

In this dream, everything is soft and warm.

It's soft enough that she doesn't have to adjust in order to get comfortable. She doesn't toss or turn or have any problems staying asleep. When her eyes are closed, she's floating. Something holds her, but it isn't tight or constricting. It's safe.

It isn't warm like the gym or noon in the middle of summer. Those are more hot and sticky than anything else. It's not even warm like sunshine that leaves her skin burning and tender. It's a comforting kind of warmth. The kind of warm that is a fluffy blanket on the couch or the perfect cup of cocoa after a day in the snow.

Her lips tingle.

She doesn't know why, but dreams don't need to make sense.

Light slants across her face. Lily stirs and pulls the covers closer to her. She rests her cheek against something warm and makes a noise of protest. She isn't ready to leave this dream.

As she regretfully starts to rise from the dream, she notices the things that aren't quite right. That, she realizes slowly, isn't the direction the light usually comes from in the morning. The sun rises on Petunia's side of the house, so she never has to worry about it waking her like this. There's usually more space to stretch in her bed.

One moment, she's still in the middle land between dreaming and waking.

The next, she's sitting up like she forgot to set her alarm and realizes it's not Saturday.

The comforter is familiar, but it isn't _hers_. The posters are different. The walls are darker. She's still wearing jeans with holes that are too big for her mother to let her wear them to school.

And James is laying next to her, their legs still tangled under the sheets.

"Oh my God."

James groans something completely incoherent, stirring and rubbing his eyes before he blinks a few times at her, sleepily. "What's goin' on?"

At first, she can only stare at him.

Lily always thought butterflies were a silly romance trope. They were a heavy-handed metaphor to tell the reader what the writer wanted them to know. She thought that, anyway, until she feels them flutter in her stomach at the image of a sleep-rumpled James.

Her fingers twitch.

"What time is it?" she answers, pushing aside hormone-driven thoughts. "We fell asleep."

He looks at her like he can't quite believe she's here, head tilted.

Or, perhaps, he simply can't see her that well without his glasses on.

Either way, he doesn't look anywhere near her level of panic at the situation.

"It's six in the morning, Evans," he says, squinting at his clock. "It's still early."

"When do your parents get up? Maybe I can leave before they notice. I don't want you to get in trouble or… or…"

"Don't be stupid. They won't be up for another few hours, at least. Plus, mom never checks on me in the morning. She likes her James-free time." He sits himself up on his elbows, looking at her expectantly. His hair is even more unruly after he's slept on it all night. "C'mere, Evans. Stay in bed."

"I…"

She wants to listen to him. She wants to curl up against him like she must have been a few minutes ago. She wants to rumple his hair herself. She wants to know how much of her dream-state actually happened because he was so close to her.

Though she might have tried to claim it was something else before, she can't deny it now.

Almost every part of her _wants. _

But that's how she messes all of this up. She was the one who burned them down last time. The last time she wanted to admit something to him, the last time she almost had the courage to do it, everything fell apart. Getting her heart and hormones involved when they have a _deal _is how she could lose him for good. Her brain knows that.

Her heart doesn't want to agree.

"James, I don't know if we should…" She doesn't even know how to end that sentence.

"Should what?" He laughs, and it's thick with sleep. Almost husky. "Go back to sleep for another hour or two?"

"Oh."

Right.

Because they're friends. Anything other than that isn't _real_.

Friends wouldn't worry so much about what all of this could mean. Friends wouldn't go into a panic over sharing a bed by accident. Friends would laugh it off and sleep in on a Saturday.

What the butterflies in her stomach signal is distinctly not _friendship_.

He wants to be friends, so she can't ruin that. Her fingers knot anxiously together. "Mom will freak out if she doesn't know where I am. And I'm supposed to meet Mary this morning. We always go to the post-Valentine's candy sales, so she's expecting me." She's rambling like a fool, but it's easier to ignore what she wants when she's talking. "I'm sure you have plenty to do. I shouldn't overstay my welcome."

"You're not overstaying your welcome," says James, frowning slightly. He grabs his glasses from his nightstand, putting them on so she's certain he can get a good look at how much of an idiot she's making herself out to be. "Surely Mary isn't expecting you at six in the morning?"

"No," she allows. "Probably not."

Lily wants to know if her head fits perfectly in the space below his chin. James wants her to stay for a little while longer. Would it be so bad if…?

If she ruined everything?

_Yes_, she thinks. That would be the worst thing she could do.

"I really don't want to get you in trouble, James. Your parents are awesome, but they might not be so cool with your girlfriend spending the night. We didn't -" Her cheeks warm and her heart beats a little faster. "Do anything like _that_, but, at the very least, it will make your dad give you the Talk, and your mom will tell my mom and…"

They did kiss, though, her mind finds fit to remind her. _For real_.

The butterflies take flight and beat their wings frantically in her stomach again.

"And I shouldn't put you through that," she finishes.

"Is this because -" He stops, shaking his head. "I don't want you to stay if you don't want to. I wouldn't force you to do anything you wouldn't want to do. You know that, right, Lily?"

He can't think this is _his_ fault.

"No!" It comes out louder and more forceful than she expected. "It's not that. I know you wouldn't, James. I trust you more than almost anyone. You're not forcing me to do anything."

Trying to leave is supposed to preserve what they have, not make him worry. She wants to grab his hand so he'll have to look in her eyes and know she's telling the truth. She means this, even if she can't tell him the whole mess of her thoughts.

Although it should have been obvious, she's now being hit with the realization that she doesn't like how often the word _fake _has to come up with thinking about him.

He wants to be friends, so she absolutely cannot ruin that.

If she lets herself fall asleep in his arms again, how is she going to tell her stupid heart that it's all fake? How is she going to feel when this part of them ends on prom night?

If she's going to lose something with him, it can't be everything. She can't end this semester without one of her best friends. She'll have to figure it out on her own. He doesn't have to be subjected to the way her heart doesn't want to follow the fake parts of their deal.

"I want to stay," she admits quietly, letting in that part of the truth. "But I don't know if I should."

"I want you to stay too," he says, sitting up so she has to look up at him now. She remembers a time when they used to be at eye level. How many years ago could that have possibly been? "But I'll help you get out before anyone notices. If you want."

"Okay." Tension in her chest from the thought of him worrying loosens. Lily pushes off the sheets to find her bag on the floor. She reaches in to make sure the box from James is there before slinging it over her shoulder and standing. "You were always good at not getting caught."

"Except for that time in second grade when I cut my own hair. That one left evidence," he says with a grin.

He cracks his door slightly, peering out. Lily hears the soft snores of Fleamont across the hall. It brings back a childhood memory of sleepovers at James' house that she had forgotten about until now. "We should be in the clear. Dad sleeps like the dead, and Mom can't hear anything over _that."_

Lily stands right behind him so she can try to look over his shoulder to see into the hall. "Perfect." She hesitates, but then moves onto her toes to kiss his cheek. "I'll see you soon?"

"What kind of boyfriend do you think I am, Evans? You think I'm going to make you sneak yourself out? Though I do appreciate a good cheek kiss."

Her heart does a hopeful little skip that Lily tries to ignore. "Let's go before your mom offers me some of your cookies." As she says it, she realizes that _that _part of the night certainly wasn't a dream.

She can't dwell on it right now.

Lily nudges his side to urge him into the hallway. She turns the knob behind them to ease the door closed. If someone wakes up and thinks James is still asleep, they can buy themselves some time.

A door creaks.

Lily freezes, the doorknob still in her hand. Until she realizes after a beat that it's not _James'_ door making a noise.

She turns to see Remus in the middle of the hallway, eyes wide. The neck of his sweater rests unevenly on his collarbones, like he didn't adjust it in the mirror before leaving. Sirius, hair still infuriatingly in place despite the fact that he probably just woke up, is on his way out of his room when he looks up and sees her.

"Hi," Lily squeaks, her voice an octave higher than usual.

"_Evans_," says Sirius with too much laughter and too much volume for someone who is also trying to sneak their significant other out of the house. "What in the world are you doing here?"

She doesn't successfully bat away a childish impulse when she answers. "What are _you_ doing here?"

She's such an idiot.

"I think," Remus says carefully, "we all pretty much know what we're doing here." At least he is mindful of his volume. The red splotches on his face, however, give away his actual reaction that is hidden under his projected ease.

"Right," James hiss-whispers. "So, let's all keep doing what we were doing before we get caught doing what we're doing."

"I'm proud that you two are doing the same thing we're doing," says Sirius, feigning dramatic tears.

"And we're going to keep doing it," says Remus. "_Now. _Everyone, file down the stairs! _Quietly!" _

"Absolutely." Lily doesn't mind following a direction that means she doesn't have to look at Sirius right now. She tugs self-consciously on her sleeves and slips past all of them to the staircase.

On the third step, she notices a disturbing absence of any sound. She races down the rest of the stairs in case James' dad decides _this _is the perfect moment to wake up and find them.

Remus makes it to the bottom of the stairs with her. When he struggles to find his shoes by the door, she looks down at her sock-clad feet and realizes that she doesn't know where hers are. They must have gone missing somewhere between the Andersons' house and this moment.

She'll have to make do. Her house is only next door.

"Shit, shit, shit," curses James, appearing behind her and quickly unlocking the front door. "I think Dad's waking up. I've never had a girlfriend stay over, and if my dad catches _you _here, Lily...I will never hear the end of it. He will tease me into next year."

"I'm less worried about Fleamont and more concerned about what Mamma Mia will do if she catches us," Sirius says, looking for the first time… well, _serious. _

It speaks volumes for Euphemia that Sirius respects her enough to be scared of her.

"I'll get out of here." Lily hikes her bag up her shoulder and points to the door. She doesn't want to do anything to jeopardize Euphemia's opinion of her.

"Me too." Remus pops up from putting his shoes on to kiss Sirius shortly. "Don't get grounded."

Lily looks over to James, her emotions from the bedroom coming to the surface. "James, I'll…" It was already hard before, but it's a lot harder to say what she's thinking when Remus and Sirius are there too. "I'll text you?"

"Yeah," says James. He looks like he wants to say more. "Yeah, just text me -"

"Okay, we get it," says Sirius, shoving Lily out the door. She stumbles, but Remus appears at her side to catch her. "You guys will text each other. Hey, you know what? Let's just start a group chat! That way we can all still talk when we get caught in the next five seconds because James and Lily aren't good at goodbyes."

"_Sirius," _hisses Remus.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," says Sirius, hands up. He looks _a little _sorry. "I'm not getting caught today. I can't wiggle my way out of things with Euphemia like I can with other people."

Remus snorts. "Don't I know it."

"Right, well, bye!" Lily adds, her voice jumping to a higher pitch again. Out of the corner of her eye, she can see that Vernon's car isn't in the driveway, so she doesn't have to worry about _that _right now. "See you at school!"

Remus shuts the door. He rubs the back of his neck apologetically. "Sorry about that. He doesn't really -"

"It's fine," Lily cuts him off. "I know. He's Sirius. I get it." She looks down at her feet but looks back up quickly so she doesn't draw his attention to her _Star Wars _socks. "Did you… have a good Valentine's Day?"

Remus blushes, but his smile is genuine. Lily almost has to stop herself from squealing like her favorite couple finally kissed at the end of the book.

"I'm glad," she says, stepping off the porch toward her house. "Have a good weekend, Remus."

"See you, Lily."

* * *

_Lily to James 3: I'm sorry about this morning. I never meant to_

Backspace, backspace, backspace.

_Lily to James 3: If you don't want to do this anymore, I completely understand. It's all gotten_

Delete, delete, delete.

Yesterday, texting him was easy. She had to break bad news to him, and he didn't make it harder. They told jokes and riffed off each other like four years didn't pass between being best friends and now.

When she stares at her phone this evening, Lily doesn't know what to type. It's been a few hours, and she isn't any closer to knowing what she wants to say to him.

Ultimately, she doesn't want to ruin this. That's what worries her more than anything. She doesn't want to lose him again. The flutter in her chest feels a lot like things did years ago, right before they fell apart.

Who else is stupid enough to put herself in a situation where she is afraid to tell her boyfriend that she might be falling in love with him?

With a groan, Lily flops back on her bed and shoves a pillow over her face.

By tomorrow, when he picks her up for the drive to school, maybe she'll know how to face him. Maybe she'll know how to hide what has to be increasingly obvious. She can't shove her feelings in his face and make him deal with them. He has stuck to their agreement, so she can do her part too. They can hold hands in front of Hannah Holiday and put up some more posters and…

And she can keep pretending that what she's saying to everyone about him isn't becoming less fake to her every day.

Was this all a mistake? She gained James back, so she can't regret it.

But should they keep going?

Maybe they've proven their point. If all it took was the idea of a relationship to change her status at school, didn't she prove what she wanted? Petunia can think she's right about something. James is her friend again, so she can take Petunia's gloating. If they break up like any typical high school couple, they can go back to being them.

_That's _what is important.

Lily rolls over to find her phone.

_Lily to James 3: What if we don't win?_

She puts the phone face down on her nightstand before he can possibly write back a response. Flipping onto her stomach, she grabs the first book from the pile by her bed and attempts to distract herself with the romantic woes of Emma Woodhouse.

* * *

_**James: I'll still love you**_

Lily stares at the text message.

She stares for so long that, at one point, Petunia knocks on her door to let her know that the bathroom is empty. She never does that, so it makes Lily get up and open the door so her sister knows that she's awake.

She's too distracted to think too much about Petunia humming. While she's brushing her teeth, Lily can't stop hearing James' voice.

"_Are we in love?"_

She shakes her head and tries to distract herself by following a hair tutorial on Youtube. Lily tries to separate her hair into sections and glares at her confused fingers. One look at the mirror when the video is over is enough to decide that she needs to take it out and keep it simple.

"_Do you love me, Evans?"_

She's never felt this nervous about seeing James. In the past two months, his smile has been something to make her look forward to Monday mornings. The weekend being over isn't so bad, because she'll see James in the morning. She's used to sliding into the front seat and changing whatever ridiculous song he has on the radio.

Even if _this_ ends, she doesn't want _that _to end.

That's why she has to talk to him.

"_You're nearly there, but I'm totally already in love."_

If only that were true.

"Have a good day," Lily bids absently to Petunia. She's sitting on a stool in the kitchen flipping through a magazine while she eats her breakfast of yogurt. Lily grabs a protein bar and shoves it in her pocket.

Her sister looks up from her gossip pages and tries to ask her something, but Lily takes her backpack and closes the front door behind her. She can't jumble her thoughts anymore than they already are.

_James loves Lily._

She's a little early, so she sits on the edge of the porch. It's sunny, even though it's still February, so there's a chance that Sirius wanted an excuse to take his bike to school. If Remus' Sunday morning smile was anything to go by, he'll welcome any chance to spend more time with his boyfriend.

They're her friends again, and they're happy.

Lily studies the scuffed toes of her red Converse. They're the same as the ones she always wore in middle school. One Christmas, her mother bought her a new pair to replace the worn shoes she refused to throw away. She wore them almost every day, even when a hole in the bottom meant that rain made her change her socks.

A memory of James telling her that, "Converse do not make good tree climbing shoes!" makes her laugh, even though she's alone for the moment.

She's lucky to have him.

_Lily will love James._

She looks up from her shoes when she hears his car pull into the driveway. Even though it's a little ridiculous, she loves that he insists on getting in the car long enough to pick her up in her own driveway. She could easily walk over to his house, but she knows that he'll come over every time.

She loves that he always gets out of the car so she can give him a hug.

She loves _him_.

She loves James Potter.

"Hi," Lily greets, squeezing their hug a little more than she normally would. "I wanted to talk to you about something."

"Oh yeah?" he asks, still holding her. Has her head always fit so perfectly underneath his chin or was that something she didn't notice until they fell asleep together in the same bed?

"Did you, um…" Lily finally pulls away to go to the other side of the car. "Think about my text?" She throws her bag in the backseat and slides into the passenger seat like her mind isn't a total mess.

"About not winning?"

"Yeah. That." She picks up his phone to fidget by scrolling through their playlist. Every week, it gets longer. "And, I guess, what happens… after all of this."

"After prom is over, you mean?" he asks, sitting up straighter. "I mean - I guess I've thought about it, yeah. It's got to end eventually, right?"

"Yeah." She decides to shuffle Taylor Swift's songs, since she can't decide on the appropriate mood for this conversation.

Of course, _All Too Well, _the ultimate sad song, comes on.

"I just…" Lily lets out a breath and looks out the windshield. "I don't want this to ruin us."

He's silent for a moment, his eyes focused on the road. Lily can see his grip tighten on the steering wheel. "... Would not winning really ruin us?"

"No. I guess I'm worried that…" She takes advantage of his focus on the road to look over at him. "You were perfect this weekend, and I almost got you in trouble. Is all of this - the pact in your notebook, telling everyone we're…" She makes a meaningless gesture with her hand. "Is it a mistake?"

He shakes his head. "You didn't almost get me in trouble, Evans. I invited _you_ to _my_ house. You weren't the only one who fell asleep in my bed, you know. I was there too. This could be just as much my fault. And, as far as telling everyone that we're…" He doesn't give their arrangement a name either, gesturing vaguely with his hand instead. "It doesn't _feel _like a mistake."

_You don't feel like a mistake,_ she can't help but think.

She wants to reach across the console to take his hand. Sometimes, she wishes he was a less careful driver so she could interlock her fingers with his between them. No one would be there to see it, she reminds herself, so there isn't a good reason to do it.

"After prom, when it's over," she says after a few seconds of silence. "Will Sirius hate me? Will we be able to make sure you and me stay friends?"

"I'll always be your friend," says James. His voice sounds a bit strained. "Even when this is over. Sirius will be too. He's… he's _happy _you're back. You know, I'm not the only one who missed you."

If prom ends and so does their relationship, how can she be sure? Will Sirius suspect something? Will people see their deal for what it is?

How will she feel, if he finds someone else to kiss in his graduation photos?

"I hope so." Lily looks out her window and taps her fingers on the armrest. "We never talked about who would break whose heart when it's over."

Lily is pretty sure her heart is going to be a little broken.

"Maybe it's a mutual thing. So no one has to be the lone bad guy." They're pulling into the school now, so James has to slow down to avoid hitting a few slow moving kids who haven't woken up yet. "Or we can always keep fake dating after all this is over. We could even get fake married. Have a few fake kids."

She laughs for the first time all morning and lets herself look over at him. He doesn't look so tense anymore. She loves that she can notice those things about him again.

Their renewed friendship is the best part of her senior year.

"We're going to be okay no matter what happens?" Her first question is sincere. In her second question, she tries to sound like it isn't the idea that she thought about all night. "You don't think we should have a big fake break up so Hannah can get her high school dream?"

"Now that you mention it, I think we should," he says. He's grinning so brightly that Lily feels as if everything might work out. She's still not certain _how _exactly, but James is on her side. "God, she'd have a _field day _with that. Can you imagine?"

"Unless there's a school-wide campaign to vote for us anyway. You know, so we realize our love and get everyone's OTP together on prom night."

Lily grabs her bag and gets out of the car once he pulls into the parking space. She goes to the driver's side to open his door before he can. It gives her some extra seconds with him before they have to face the rest of the school.

"You're sure?" she asks, voice dropping so no one can overhear. "You don't think we need to… end this?"

He frowns. "Do you want to end it?"

"I like any chance to spend more time with you," she admits. "As long as we're okay. As long as we're _going _to be okay." Lily starts to walk toward the school. She puts her hand in his so their arms touch and they can keep talking. "If there's any chance it's going to mess things up…"

"The only way this would mess things up is if we let it." He leans his head down closer to hers.

To people passing them, it looks like they're _that _couple. Snuggled together before eight in the morning in a way that used to make Lily scrunch her nose in annoyance. But now… now, it does something entirely different when it's her. When it's her with James.

She has to remind herself that it's not really like that when he lowers his voice so only she can hear him. "Look, we don't have to have an end game plan right now. We can come up with all that later, if we want. Let's enjoy right now for what it's worth."

This morning, she has to stop herself from actually trying to be _that _couple. She wants to shrink the distance between them and maybe even skip class to find out if their kisses on Saturday night were a dream.

She'll enjoy it right now. For what it's worth.

They get into the school building and automatically head to their first period. They've done this enough not to need to think about it.

"Even if no one votes for me?"

"I mean, _I'm _voting for you. And so are the guys and Mary. I think you'll get a few."

"So I won't be a complete joke." She pulls him into Civic Responsibility and stays by his desk instead of going to her own. "Will you dance with me if Hannah ends up being your Prom Queen?"

"Listen, Evans," he says, dropping his bag on the ground. "There is no way on this earth that you could ever lose to Holiday. But, I will dance with you, even if that somehow happens. Of course."

"Good. I'll hold you to that, Potter."

Maybe by prom, her heart and head will be in agreement.

She squeezes his hand before letting go and sitting at the desk next to him. The crackle of the speaker for the morning announcements prevents her from looking too lovesick when she can't hold his hand anymore. Lily leans her cheek on her hand and doodles in the corner of her notebook. They run through the lunch menu and upcoming sports schedule. She takes a note of the next swim meet, since she knows Mary will want a few pictures.

"And now your Senior Prom Court."

That makes her sit up straighter. She tries not to look too invested, in case Petunia was right and her campaign signs didn't do anything.

"For Prom King…" The speaker goes in and out while Lily presses so hard on her pencil that the lead snaps. The announcement sputters, but she can clearly hear at the end, "James Potter."

Some of their classmates clap politely. Sirius lets out a spirited "That's right!"

Lily looks over at James like Christmas came early and nudges his leg with her foot. "Congrats."

He grins. "Couldn't have done it without you, Evans."

"And for Prom Queen…"

These nerves feel like the day she was waiting for her SAT results. She can't do anything about what's already happened, but she can't help but worry like she can.

"Hannah Holiday," is an expected entry. She writes the names in her notebook as they're announced to give herself something to do. Mary is probably already sketching out a complete campaign strategy based on each opponent.

A few months ago, Lily would have thought this whole thing was silly. Now, she's hoping to hear a familiar set of nine letters.

"And Lily Evans. Congratulations, all! Juniors and Seniors will be able to vote for their Prom Royalty in the upcoming weeks. Go be great today!"

Now that it's happened, she almost can't believe it.

It's happening.

She's on _prom court_.

"Well," says James, looking over at her. "Game on?"


	12. Gorgeous

**A/N: Hey everyone! We're in the homestretch to prom! Join us in campaigning for our OTP on our shared tumblr gingerinthesequel! Mary has a special message for the student body that you can share over there!**

**Chapter Twelve: Gorgeous **

"_You make me so happy, it turns back to sad. There's nothing I hate more than what I can't have."_

There's a knock on James' bedroom door, and he can tell by the annoying tune it's tapping out exactly who it is.

He sighs, dropping the comic he had been attempting to distract himself with on his bed. "Come in, dad."

Fleamont opens the door in a dramatic way that only a dad can muster, poking his head in and grinning. James hates how much their grins are identical now more than ever.

"Hey, son."

"What do you want?"

Fleamont blinks, and it's far too innocent. "Why do I have to want anything? Why can't I just be stopping by to say hi to my son whom I love?"

"Because I know you," groans James. "And I know you've been tiptoeing around something all week. You've practically been taunting me. Lording it over me."

"I have _not."_

"You have too! The other day, you asked me if it was finally time we got me a 'big boy bed.' Then this morning, you asked mom if she still had my Spider-Man sheets. I know you know."

"You know that I know _what?" _asks Fleamont.

James knows he wants the satisfaction of hearing James admit it aloud, but he's not going to get it. Never in a million years.

"I'm not saying it. You know. I know. It's enough that we both… know. We don't even have to bring it up ever again."

"Does this have anything to do with Lily Evans -"

"_Dad!"_

" - spending the night, and you sneaking her out?"

"I swear to _Merlin, _stop!"

Fleamont laughs, and even _that _sounds too much like his own laughter to his own ears. Is James this insufferable? Probably. If he is, he gets it honest.

"Why do you still say that?" asks Fleamont, coming to sit in James' desk chair. James glares at him from his place in the bed.

"Say what?"

"Merlin! You always say swear to Merlin as if… as if it's a _thing_ actual people say. Which it most definitely is not."

"Lily and I used to say it," he tells his dad.

He feels like he's a million miles away, stuck in a childhood memory of him and Lily playing witches and wizards in his backyard, using sticks for wands and casting spells on the other.

It's little things like this that hit him hard. Childhood memories that he doesn't even remember having until they're flashing through his head, triggered by something small. Realizing how much his childhood was built and molded around Lily's. How many inside things he and Lily share.

He can't imagine what he's supposed to _do _with it all whenever this deal he has with her comes to an end.

"What's wrong?" Fleamont's voice jerks him out of his thoughts. He can tell by the way his dad is looking at him with a tilted head and soft eyes that he knows something is bothering him.

For a moment, James considers telling his dad everything.

That he's in love with Lily. That this, the whole relationship between them, is fake. That it's staged. That he's agreed to it on a fool's hope that he could _actually _make her love him back by the end of it. But now they're nearing prom, and whatever progress he thought he made is slipping through his fingers, all because he had to be stupid and ask for _more_. All because he had to go and ask to kiss her for real.

That ever since then, Lily has been so very careful around him that he's certain he must have crossed a line by being so selfish. That he's worried that maybe she wanted it at the time, since she was so sleepy that she didn't know better, but maybe when she woke up the next morning, she realized she didn't want _any _of it.

That she nearly called the whole arrangement off because of it.

And now he's got a little over a month left to make his fake girlfriend not so fake. To make her love him. And he's not sure if he can.

But James can't tell his father any of that.

He can't tell _anyone. _

And it's eating him alive.

So instead he says, "I'm worried about this promposal I have planned for Lily. I'm not sure I can pull it off."

Fleamont smiles. "I'm sure whatever you have planned, she'll love. She's crazy about you. I can tell."

"_Dad," _James groans. His dad really has no clue, does he? If this all blows up, James is going to look like such a fool.

"And you're crazy about her," continues Fleamont. It's not a question. It doesn't have to be. Everyone, James included, has always known. "You have been since you were kids. You're lucky, you know."

_I don't feel very lucky, _thinks James.

He snorts. "How do you figure?"

"Not everyone gets a friend like Lily," says Fleamont, "and not everyone gets to fall in love with their best friend. Especially a best friend they've had since they were small."

"You've always liked Lily, haven't you?"

"Probably would have traded you for her if I had the choice."

"_Dad!"_

Fleamont laughs, and it booms around the walls of James' room. "I'm only joking. Mostly."

"You're the worst."

Fleamont ruffles James' hair, something his father never really outgrew, even as James grew up. "You know I love you."

"Yeah, yeah."

"Your mother and I are picking up food from the diner in town for dinner. Do you want me to get you a burger and onion rings?"

"Nah," says James.

An idea is forming in his head suddenly. A way to ask Lily to prom, but also make things better between them. And, like most things, it's rooted in their childhood. "I think I'm going to do that promposal now, actually."

James waits until his father is out of his room before he sends a quick text to Lily.

_**James to Lily: Meet me at the park in 30 mins?**_

_**James: Bring your valentine's knife, Evans! **_

_Lily: Vernon's coming over for dinner_

_Lily: I'll be there in 20_

* * *

True to her word, Lily is already at the park waiting for him when he arrives twenty minutes later.

The weather is starting to get warmer, which he appreciates the moment he sees her in one of her flowy summer dresses paired with a cardigan. This dress is blue, and he doesn't think he's ever seen it before - and he has a great mental history of her many summer dresses.

Lily has always said that spring and summer are not her seasons. There are too many bugs and way too much sun for a ginger. But James has always disagreed with her.

He thinks she blooms in summer.

He wonders fleetingly if he will even get to _see _summertime Lily after school lets out. Lily with fresh freckles scattering her nose and shoulders from being in the sun. Lily with her hair a shade lighter after warm summer days.

It would be torture to have to be James her next door neighbor during that time instead of James her best friend, or - preferably - James her boyfriend.

"Hey," he says when he's finally in front of her. "Blue is a good color on you. Have I told you that?"

"Once, I think. Though that might have been to make your mom happy," she answers, smiling as her greeting. "And thanks. It has pockets." She reaches into one of those pockets to bring out her pocket knife and shows it to him. "You asked me to bring this?"

"Pockets are a very useful attribute for a dress. I approve," says James, taking the knife from her hand. "And yes, we will need this later, but first…" He raises the little red picnic basket he brought with him. "Remember this?"

It's another memento from their childhood, this picnic basket. It's the one they would fill with Gushers and Fruit Roll Ups for whatever adventure they had in store that day. James is amazed he was able to find it at all, but when he went searching through his mother's walk-in pantry, it was there on the top shelf.

"Yes!" Her eyes brighten. "Anything you have _has_ to be better than whatever Petunia is stress-cooking for her _fiancé_." Lily makes a face.

"Ugh, that word sounds… _wrong."_ James hands Lily the basket and begins to unfold the blanket he brought with him, placing it on the ground. "Isn't she like, a year older than us? She's still a kid. _I'm _still a kid." He blinks. He's not sure this is the swoon-worthy direction he wants to be going in. Being a child doesn't scream _boyfriend _material.

"Oh, I'm already hearing all about it. The venue she wants books out at least two years in advance though, so it can't happen too soon. We have a nice, long engagement to suffer through. Plus, Mom says she has to finish school first."

"Are you going to be in the wedding?"

Lily lifts the lid slightly to look inside the basket. "I dunno."

That part is said like she doesn't care, but James knows Lily too well for that. She always cares a whole lot about everything, especially Petunia.

Enough about Petunia, he thinks. Only happy things for today.

"Look in the basket," he says, nodding to it, still in her hands. "I think you'll find a few treats in there that'll cheer you up."

Lily sits on the blanket and smooths her skirt over her knees before flipping open the basket lid. "Has Euphemia been stocking up this whole time? Were you holding out on me?" He watches as she pulls out a pack of Gushers, her eyes lighting up. "No way!"

"And that's not all…" He digs around in the basket. "I've also got penguin shaped peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. You can thank Mom for keeping the sandwich cutter." He tosses her one. "Chips, cookies, juice boxes, and apple slices. You know, to have at least one healthy option."

She catches the sandwich and smiles like they weren't talking about her sister. "You thought of everything. I'll have to bring an extra Capri Sun on Monday to make up for my lack of contributions."

"It's like a picnic straight out of second grade," he says, stabbing a straw into his grape juice box. "Remember that field trip to the children's museum where I got us both in trouble by convincing you to sneak away from the group with me?"

"To be fair," she answers, hiding the fact that she's chewing behind her hand, "I did want to know more about the dinosaurs, so sneaking away was educational. They really should have applauded our love of learning."

"Oh man," he says, biting the head off his PB&J penguin. "I thought you were never going to stop crying, though, after we got yelled at by Mrs. Abernathy. I wasn't allowed to play with you for a week outside of school because mom thought I was a bad influence on you."

"I _still _hate disappointing teachers. And your mom."

"Oh, she wasn't disappointed in _you. _It was all me." James snorts. "I doubt she could ever be disappointed in you."

"I don't know about that." Lily leans in closer to him and swipes his bag of chips. She sits back. "Sirius texted me congratulations for being a corrupting influence on you."

"Oh god. I'm sure he did. He's been heckling me nonstop for details about our Valentine's _night _together."

James swallows, his mouth feeling suddenly dry. He's certain it's not the sandwich. They haven't really talked about that night since the day their names were announced for prom court.

They haven't _kissed _since that night either, and James hasn't asked if he could kiss her again. For real or… otherwise.

Lily has seemed so distant, so careful around him since they woke up the next morning. She hasn't asked him to kiss her either, even when Petunia is around and annoying. He isn't sure if talking about that night is solid ground with them.

Maybe he just stepped in a land mine.

"What did you tell him?" She eats a chip and slides her gaze to him again before adding, "All good things, I hope."

"I told him it's not any of his business."

A blade of grass looks suddenly interesting, and James pulls at it instead of looking at Lily.

He should change the subject.

"Mom is taking me to get fitted for my tux next weekend," he says. "Do you know what color dress you're wearing yet? I think I can get a matching tie."

Lily blinks at him for a few seconds before returning her attention to her sandwich. "I haven't decided yet. Mary wants to go shopping together, so we're also going next weekend. I can text you?"

He nods, smiling.

He should do it now, he thinks.

Now, while he's got the courage, and his palms aren't too sweaty.

He stands, holding his hand out to her. "Come here, Evans. I've got something I want to show you."

She takes his offered hand, and, of course, the sun hits her hair _just right_ as she stands. She doesn't pull her hand away. "Is it a surprise?"

"Stand _right _here," he says, taking her by the shoulders and adjusting her. "Close your eyes. No peeking."

Doing one better, Lily puts a hand over her eyes. "This better not be like the time you cut off Barbie's hair and thought it would grow back. She's never been the same."

James laughs. "No, it's nothing like that. I promise. God, you're never going to let me forget that, are you?"

"No," she replies, but she's still smiling.

He checks to make sure she's not peeking through her fingers before pulling out her Valentine's knife and setting to work. It takes longer to carve out these particular words than the ones they wrote when they were fourteen.

Maybe he's being extra careful to make sure each letter is crafted neatly, so she doesn't have to squint through his chicken scratch to make out what he's trying to ask her.

Maybe he's simply out of practice from carving on trees.

Either way, what feels like a good five minutes later, he tells her she can finally open her eyes.

Right away, she opens her eyes and they go to the old carving. They linger there for a moment before moving to his new creation. He watches as her eyes go wide. The words '_Will you go to prom with me?' _are etched underneath their old carving.

"Yes." She says it without a moment to consider, like she can't say anything but _yes_.

This is in their agreement.

This is the reason they've started this whole thing.

"Yes!" This time, she wraps her arms around him and barely gives him time to keep them from falling. "I'd love to go to prom with you." She grinning like she did when she was a kid, without any level of self consciousness.

He feels like he could kiss her.

But he doesn't.

* * *

_Lily to Miss Mary: James asked me to prom!_

**Mary: OMG!**

**Mary: WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN**

**Mary: HOW DID THIS HAPPEN**

**Mary: SPILL THE TEA GIRL **

_Lily: Like half an hour ago? Maybe?_

_Lily: Sorry, waited until I got home to text you_

_Lily: But it was really sweet?_

**Mary: Okay but how did he do it?**

_Lily: At the park at the end of my road_

_Lily: We always used to go there when we were kids_

_Lily: We had a little picnic_

_Lily: And he asked me!_

_Lily: There might have been some minor property damage involved_

**Mary: Omg nothing is more romantic than minor property damage**

_Lily: I'll have to show you sometime_

_Lily: It was really sweet_

_Lily: But also a little… off?_

_Lily: idk_

**Mary: What do you mean by off?**

**Mary: Like**

**Mary: He was off?**

**Mary: Orrrr**

**Mary: Lily Evans, I swear if you're reading again**

**Mary: GET BACK HERE AND ANSWER ME**

_Lily: Okay but I had to get to the end of this chapter first :P_

_Lily: I'm kidding_

_Lily: It was all perfect_

_Lily: Or almost perfect_

_Lily: I guess I thought he would kiss me after_

**Mary: But he didn't?**

**Mary: Is that… weird?**

**Mary: Idk your kissing habits **

_Lily: I thought it was weird_

_Lily: He's been so… _

_Lily: Careful?_

**Mary: What do you mean careful?**

_Lily: Oh my god_

_Lily: He knows I'm in love with him!_

**Mary: ?**

**Mary: Okay?**

**Mary: Didn't he know that already?**

_Lily: No!_

_Lily: Like I haven't told him or anything_

_Lily: That has to be why he's acting so weird_

_Lily: I must be so obvious_

_Lily: What do I do?_

**Mary: … tell him?**

**Mary: Idk, that's my guess**

**Mary: It seems like the natural thing to do**

**Mary: Tell your bf you love him**

_Lily: I can't TELL HIM_

_Lily: That will make everything WORSE_

**Mary: What on earth are you talking about?**

**Mary: How would telling James you love him make anything worse?**

_Lily: Bc he obviously doesn't feel that way!_

_Lily: That's why he's being so weird_

_Lily: I have to get things like they were BEFORE Valentine's Day_

_Lily: Everything was fine then_

**Mary: What do you mean before Valentine's Day?**

**Mary: You're not making any sense?**

**Mary: Okay wait**

**Mary: Don't tell me yet**

**Mary: We need to talk about this in person bc you're confusing me**

_Lily: He asked me to prom_

_Lily: And said he's getting fitted on Saturday too_

_Lily: So he must not be totally ready to dump me_

**Mary: Omg**

**Mary: He's not dumping you! **

**Mary: You've lost your mind **

**Mary: I stg**

**Mary: I need reinforcements**

**Miss Mary has added Remus Lupin to the chat.**

**Mary: Remus, baby!**

Remus: … what?

**Mary: Lily is losing her mind **

Remus: Okay?

**Mary: You're going prom dress shopping with us on Saturday to help her find it**

_Lily: Hi Remus_

_Lily: Mary doesn't know what she's talking about_

Remus: But I'm supposed to go with the guys on Saturday for tuxes.

_Lily: WHAT_

_Lily: Then you can't surprise Sirius on prom night!_

_Lily: You're definitely coming shopping with us_

**Mary: Yeah! **

**Mary: You're coming with us! **

**Mary: We need your expert opinion on dresses anyway. **

Remus: I literally know nothing about prom dresses.

_Lily: It's pretty simple_

Remus: But fine.

Remus: I guess I'll come.

**Mary: Hooray for peer pressure!**

_Lily: If the dress makes me look ridiculous, say it's not my color_

_Lily: Or "YOU'RE beautiful but this isn't the one"_

Remus: Oh god.

Remus: You guys owe me dinner afterwards.

**Mary: YES**

_Lily: Sold!_

_Lily: See you then!_

* * *

"This is the place?"

Mary consults her phone, looks up at the storefront, and nods. "Yep, this is it. Number one on Yelp for formal attire."

As if the layers of tulle and organza could be advertising the sale of anything else. For now, the white and cream wedding dresses are pushed to the back of the window displays. In front, gowns in bright colors and a few with plunging necklines draw attention. The sign over the door that declares, '_Welcome Future Prom Queens!_' makes Lily's stomach twist uneasily.

"I guess that's good, right?" Remus offers. He's still not fully convinced, and Lily thinks she might agree with him.

A dress means all of this is happening. It isn't a hypothetical deal posed while there's still snow on the ground. It isn't kissing when Petunia walks into the room to make her leave. It isn't falling asleep in someone else's bed and waking up in their arms.

Prom is coming.

Soon, all of this will be over.

"If a 4.7 out of five star rating is good, then yes! It's good."

"Oh my god, Mary," Lily adds. "You're such a dork."

"Tell me that when I find you the perfect dress." Without waiting for them, Mary blows a kiss and swings open the door for the shop. A bell rings above her head. The sound summons an older woman to greet them as Lily appears behind Mary's shoulder.

"Prom?"

"Yes," Lily answers. "I'm not sure what I'm looking for, but, um, yes."

The woman smiles kindly at her. "That's perfectly fine. I'm sure we'll find something for all of you." She looks over the three of them, pausing on Remus. "We don't usually let dates in, but there's a lovely coffee shop next door if you wanted to wait."

"No," Remus replies, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm not -"

"He's with us, but he's not taking either of us," Lily interjects. Remus shoots her a grateful look at the save. "Moral support, mostly. And a tux fitting."

The woman studies them for a moment then nods. "Right this way." She gestures widely with her arm. "We'll set you up in your own space to try some things. Do you know any colors or styles that you like?"

As they follow her to the back corner of the store, Lily snaps a selfie of her exaggerated, nervous expression with a row of dresses behind her.

_Lily to James 3: [photo]_

_Lily: Wish me luck!_

_**James: Good luck!**_

_**James: Though I may be the one who needs it**_

_**James: Mom has lost her mind**_

_Lily: She's emotional about seeing her son look so handsome!_

_Lily: What did she do?_

_**James: If I show up in a powder blue tux, blame her. **_

_Lily: Tell her it will clash with my hair_

"Lily!" shouts Mary, making Lily jump. "No texting boyfriends! It's girl time!"

"Excuse me?" snorts Remus.

"You should be honored to be allowed in such a sacred practice. The same rules apply to you, mister. _No texting boyfriends_." Mary jabs a finger in their direction. "Now, colors! What are we thinking?"

"Okay, okay." Lily puts her phone in her back pocket to hide it from Mary. "I wore red to Homecoming, so we can rule that out?"

"I think I'll go with black, thanks," Remus offers.

"Of _course_ you will." Lily grins and looks over her shoulder at him.

Mary ignores her pun. "Well, _I'm _not ruling out red. I look great in red." She's already searching through the racks, moving through dresses so quickly that Lily doesn't understand how she has time to look at them. "What about… blue?" She pulls out a light blue dress, holding it in front of Lily like she's a paper doll that Mary is dressing.

"James did say he likes me in blue." Lily takes the hanger from her and holds it underneath her chin by the mirror. "Maybe this color with a fuller skirt?" She starts to go through a rack herself to pull a few options.

Remus finds a spot on the couch in their corner of the shop and props his feet on the pedestal in the middle. He points to a red dress behind Mary. "How about that one for you, Mary?"

"Remus Lupin, that one has _sleeves!" _Mary's nose wrinkles in disgust. "Have you seen my shoulders? They're one of my best features."

Remus rolls his eyes. "Nowhere in your text did you mention anything about sleeves. Or shoulders. Or _features. _If I'm being dragged into this, I get to pick at least one dress for you to try on. I could do worse, you know."

They all cut a less-than-subtle glance to a particularly loud dress in the corner.

"Fine," Mary groans, pulling it off the rack. She holds it in front of herself in the mirror and makes a face. "_Oh god. _Okay. I'll try it on first to get it over with."

"And I have to see it!"

"Ugh, why did we invite you again? Lily, have you found one yet?"

"I think so." Lily signals to her arm that is covered in varying shades of blue. She probably picked every blue dress in their part of the store. She has never been very good at looking at something on a hanger and knowing if it would look good on her. Mary is always better at that. "I have somewhere to start, anyway."

"Great," says Mary approvingly. "Let's get a dressing room together. You'll need help with some of those, I'm sure. You." Mary points at Remus. "Stay here. When we open the door, it's nothing but compliments. Even if it's atrocious because it has _sleeves. _That's the deal if you want me to buy your dinner."

Remus holds his hands up in surrender. "Do I get to drink something other than water?"

"'You're beautiful, but that's not the one,'" Lily quotes herself to him, offering what she can of a thumbs up under a small mountain of dresses.

"Play your cards right with your compliments, and you'll get yourself a Dr Pepper," says Mary.

Lily disappears into the dressing room and attempts to hang far too many hangers on a small hook. "Mary? A little help?"

Mary flounces away from Remus and shuts the door. She takes the massive stack of dresses from Lily and throws them on the floor. "There! Problem solved!"

Really, Lily can't deny that doing that crossed her mind. "As long as that woman doesn't find out and glare us out of the place." She picks up a few dresses from the pile and tries to determine the best ways to get into them. She slips the first dress Mary picked over her head, not letting herself look until she thinks it's properly adjusted. She turns toward the mirror.

And sees herself in a prom dress.

She went to prom as a junior last year, but that was mostly to clap for Petunia if she managed to win. Mary went with her, but prom wasn't a serious event. It was an excuse to stay out late and goof off with her best friend. They annoyed Petunia by taking a few seats in the limo Vernon rented. Lily's dress was pretty enough, but it was also the best one she could find at her favorite thrift store. It stored someone else's memories before hers, so it wasn't _just _hers.

"Oh," Lily says softly. "It's…"

"It's _gorgeous, _Lily!" Mary finishes for her, coming to stand behind her in the mirror. "Look how it fits you perfectly!"

Lily slides her hands down her sides, where the dress doesn't need to be altered to follow her shape. She can't stop staring at herself in the mirror, which probably means something has gotten to her brain.

It's just Lily staring back at her - freckles across her nose, hair up in a hasty ponytail - but it's also _not _just Lily. The blue brings out the color in her eyes so they shine in the light. The off-the-shoulder sleeves contrast with her pale skin and show off the lines of her collarbone.

"You're never supposed to go with the first dress, right?" Lily says, somewhat in a daze.

Mary snorts. "Who says? Lily, if you don't buy that dress, I will riot. I will refuse to vote for you for prom queen."

Her friend's usual brand of teasing passion is enough to snap her out of her momentary daze. She shakes her head to clear her mind. "I'll never win if my Campaign Manager doesn't fully back me up." She tucks some hair behind her ear and smiles at her reflection. "We should show Remus."

Before she turns back to the world outside the dressing room, she looks behind her in the mirror to see Mary. Her eyes move down to the bold red choice from Remus. She's actually speechless for a moment. "Mary," she starts, turning away from the mirror and spinning to face her, "you look _amazing._"

Mary looks at herself in the mirror and starts so badly that Lily wonders if she didn't look at herself until just now. "_Fuck_, you're right! I do. Oh my god, and it has sleeves. Sleeves aren't supposed to look good! What the hell is happening?"

"They look good on you. Do a turn! Your shoulders look _fantastic_." She nudges Mary toward the door. "Show Remus!"

"Oh _no," _she groans, pulling on the door handle. "He's never going to let me live this down."

"Live what down?" asks Remus, sounding slightly bored. When he sees the girls step out of the room, his eyes go wide. "Woah."

Lily spins in place, her skirt swirling around her. Now that she's out of her dress-included daze, she feels like she could dance. Despite the layers of tulle, she doesn't feel weighed down or constricted. "How do we look?"

"Great," he says, smiling. "You look absolutely stunning. And _you." _He nods to Mary. "You look incredible. In a dress that has _sleeves."_

"Shove it, Lupin," retorts Mary. Her back is to him as she adjusts her cleavage in the large three-way mirror and then turns a slight angle to look at herself.

"You told me to compliment you!"

"You did great," Lily assures him.

Mary nods. "This is the one. And, fuck me, it has sleeves. Who would have ever thought? You think Benjy will like it?"

"Did he finally ask you?" Lily grabs her hands. "I knew it!"

"Knew what?"

"Benjy and Mary are going to prom!" Lily says, looking over at Remus. She cuts her gaze over to Mary again. "You are, right?"

"Duh," says Mary, like it's not a big deal. Lily sees her smile, though. "He asked me two days ago."

"James will be thrilled," says Remus.

Lily throws her arms around Mary and resists the urge to twirl them. They can't rip the dresses before they make it out of the store. Her mother gave her permission to buy one over-priced dress, but she won't be okay with buying two.

"We should get back into normal clothes before I change my mind and think of a dozen reasons why I can't buy this one. Plus, I think we were fast enough that we can probably make it to the restaurant before the end of lunch specials." She catches another glimpse of herself in the mirror and grins. "Dessert's on me."

"Agreed," says Mary, giving herself one last look in the mirror before she allows Lily to lead her back into the dressing room. "On all accounts."

"I want Mexican food!" shouts Remus as the door closes.

When it snaps shut behind them, Lily leans back against the door. The rush of happiness that made her heart beat a little faster is starting to crash. If the front of the store made everything sharp and real, seeing herself in a prom dress that she basically agreed to buy cemented that.

In a few weeks, this will all be over.

In a few weeks…

Lily slides down the door into a pile of her skirt's tulle. "I don't know if I can do this."

Mary cocks her head down at her. "Lily, that dress is on sale. Of course you can do it."

"I don't mean the dress. I mean…" A lump catches in her throat and cuts her off. Lily hugs her knees and realizes the gravity of all the secrets between her and Mary. A few months ago, they knew nearly everything worth knowing about each other. Now, Mary doesn't even know this huge thing. She doesn't know about all of her history with James, and she doesn't know about their current arrangement.

She doesn't know that Lily, once again, is in love with the same boy who won't love her back that way.

"What do you mean?" Mary is bending down in front of her now, and somewhere in the back of her mind, Lily appreciates that her best friend is willing to bend down in a tight dress for her. "Lily? What's going on?"

"I think I'm in love with James."

It's the first time she's actually said it out loud, even to herself. She's thought it about a hundred times since the day after Valentine's Day, but that's different from saying it. Different from saying it to someone else.

Lily buries her face in her knees. "And it's not even real," she mumbles, voice muffled.

"What do you mean 'not real?' How can you love someone and it not be real?"

"You're going to think I'm so stupid." Lily swipes at her cheek and lifts her head. She sees Mary's worried face and feels a rush of affection for her best friend. She can't think of anyone else who she could break down to in a formal fitting room.

She has to know.

"It all started as this _thing_ to annoy Petunia. She was a brat on Christmas Eve, and I thought if I could prove her wrong, if I…" Lily pinches her arm to stop herself from crying. "If I could date someone like James, she wouldn't think I was such a loser or _whatever _she thinks about me. I told him about it, and we agreed. We made a deal to…"

"A deal to what, Lily?" Mary brushes a tear that escapes away with her thumb. "What kind of deal did you two make?"

"To pretend we were dating. To run for prom court as a… as a couple."

Mary is silent for a moment, and Lily is certain that she's managed to break her best friend. Mary is _never _silent.

And then…

"_What?"_

"I _told_ you," Lily replies, burying her face in her knees again. "I'm such an _idiot_."

"No, no! Oh _god, _Lily! Please don't start crying. You're not an idiot. You're _not." _She emphasizes this when Lily gives her an unbelieving look. "I just - this _whole time? _You've been faking this whole time?"

Lily nods, peeking over her knees at Mary. "We were really good friends before high school, before you moved here. The summer after eighth grade, we…" She sits up more and leans her head back against the door. "It all fell apart when my -" She swallows. "We already knew each other, so it was easy to pretend."

"But, Lily. I've seen the way James looks at you. It doesn't look _pretend_. A boy doesn't look at a girl like that because he _pretends _to love her."

"No, he's just good at it. Like he's good at _everything_." Lily closes her eyes and lets her head fall back fully against the door. "He wants to be friends. We're becoming best friends again. He doesn't want to let me down."

Mary shakes her head. "Maybe you are a bit stupid."

"I was stupid to ask him," Lily replies. "I had this embarrassingly huge crush on him when we were kids. It was only a matter of time…"

"You were _not _stupid to ask him," Mary cuts her off. "Well, maybe a little bit. But, no, what I meant was, you're stupid for thinking he's your best friend. He's not your best friend, Lily. _I'm _your best friend. James is… something else entirely."

Lily looks at Mary again. She isn't sure whether she wants to cry or hug her and never let go.

"He is something else to me," she agrees quietly. "But that doesn't mean he… feels the same."

"Lily Evans," says Mary, "I know that boy loves you. I can see it every time he looks at you. It looks like… like… the way _you _look at _him. _I'm telling you, fake relationship or not, he's in love with you!"

"He doesn't want to kiss me anymore." If he is a teenage boy who is also in love with her, she reasons, he would absolutely want to kiss her. "Not since I…"

This is another secret she hasn't quite told Mary yet. All of the secrets stack up and make her feel more guilty with every realization. She should have told Mary from the beginning. Then, maybe, she wouldn't be in this mess.

"I fell asleep at his place on Valentine's Day, and he's been so guarded ever since. We hang out, but it's not like it was."

"What does falling asleep at his house have to do with him not wanting to kiss you? I thought you guys had a great Valentine's Day."

"We did. He came over while I was babysitting and was so good with the girls. After, we went to his house and…" There's no use keeping anything from her now. She has to have someone she can talk to about all of this. "We fell asleep kissing in his bed. And he hasn't kissed me - hasn't even tried - since then."

"You fell asleep," says Mary, blinking, "kissing? How does that even happen? Is kissing when no one is around part of your… arrangement? Why would you kiss someone you're faking dating when no one is around, unless you want to?"

"We decided we were a couple who kisses." Suddenly, the tulle touching the back of her legs is especially itchy. "No one would believe us if we looked shocked every time we got close."

"I think…" starts Mary before shaking her head. "He _loves _you. I know he does! Why else would he do so much for you?"

"Because we're friends." Lily rests her chin on her knees. "Because he's a good person with a heart that is too big for his own good."

"He can be all those things and _still _love you."

"I would _know_ if he loved me, even a little." Lily shrugs. "But I don't want to lose him, so I'll try my best to enjoy the last few weeks I have as his girlfriend. Even if it's just pretend. Then we'll graduate and everything will be fine." She nods, mostly to herself. "It'll be fine."

"No. It _won't _be fine, because you'll be heartbroken," says Mary. "You can't just… not tell him you love him for real! You can't go to college without him knowing! Without giving it a chance to be real!"

"What happens when he doesn't feel that way? The last time I tried to tell him I liked him, everything turned _awful_. I can't let that happen again. I don't want to do anything that makes it hard for him to be my friend. I can't be _nothing _to him."

For a few seconds, neither of them say anything.

"If I can find some proof," says Mary quietly. "If I find _something, anything_ that shows he likes you… Will you at least _try _to tell him?"

"Mary, I don't -" She meets the gaze of her friend - her _best _friend - and nods. Mary would defend Lily to her last breath. She's the last person in the world who would do anything to hurt her. "Okay. If we find something, I'll tell him."

Mary looks at her seriously. "Promise?"

"I promise."

"Great. Now come on." Mary takes her by the hands and lifts her off the ground. "Let's get you up before you wrinkle your dress. God, how long have we been in here? Remus is probably wondering if we're okay."

Lily scrubs her cheeks with her hand to wipe away any traces of her previous tears. "We'll buy him as many tacos as he wants. Then he'll have to forgive us."

"Good plan," nods Mary. "You going to be okay?"

"Yeah," Lily says.

She feels that it's true more than she has at any other time since Valentine's Day. If she's right, it's going to be okay. She'll smile with James on prom night and keep all of their memories tucked away in her heart. She'll enjoy these last few weeks and make the most of them. Not many people get to have James Potter as their pretend boyfriend.

If Mary is right…

She doesn't let herself think that far ahead quite yet.

"I'm okay. Let's go get some queso."


	13. Out of the Woods

**Chapter Thirteen: Out of the Woods**

"_We were built to fall apart, then fall back together."_

She doesn't have time to cry. Her days as a high school senior and prom queen nominee are numbered. If she only has a few more weeks as James Potter's girlfriend, Lily is going to make those few weeks some of the best of their lives.

Like many things in the life of an average teenager, it starts with an unassuming text.

From her bed on Saturday morning, she asks him to pick her up that afternoon. Her phone buzzes with his question about what's going on, but she doesn't tell him more. Instead, she gets up to put a sign on her window that faces his.

_See you soon! _

She writes the message in big letters, surrounding it with the kind of doodled hearts usually seen in diary entries. Lily tapes the paper on her window and turns away to dig through her closet to find the perfect thing to wear.

Although the weather is getting warmer every day, Lily chooses a pair of thick tights to wear under her dress. She finds a matching cardigan and turns in front of the mirror to look at it from all angles. With some measure of confidence, she pulls off the new tags.

She doesn't have to admit to Mary that she paid for express shipping on the cutest blue dress in H&M's online selection.

Boyfriends and girlfriends go on dates, don't they? No one will think anything of it if they find Lily and James in the same place at the same time. Honestly, they should expect it. It will be perfectly reasonable for her to hold his hand or lean in so he can give her one of his swoon-worthy forehead kisses.

They can go back to before - even better than before, if she can just find a way to get them there.

Before, they kissed on the swingset, even when no one else was watching. They were _Lily and James_ instead of _Lily _and _James_. She's felt what it is like to curl up in his arms. They're used to each other and able to joke like they did back when they knew everything about the other person. She loves the moments when he makes her laugh so hard that her stomach hurts.

They can do all of that. Part of their agreement when they started all of this was to have fun. She intends to make sure the weeks leading up to prom are fun.

Lily swaps her purse for a backpack but only smiles innocently in response to his questioning look when she meets him outside her house. She hugs him tightly and slides into the car without answering the obvious question of where they're going. During the short drive across town, she doesn't provide any more clarity.

"Turn left up here," Lily directs from the passenger seat when she sees the right road.

James turns past a cluster of trees into a large parking lot. It surrounds a building that looks like a warehouse with a large garage-like door on the side. There's a pile of snow next to the door. The car continues toward the front door, which is labelled ICE WORLD in bold letters.

"No," James nearly yells. "No way. _Lily! _You _know _I can't skate!"

"I don't think there's anything you _can't _do, James Potter," she answers. "You couldn't run in a fifteen year touchdown at one point, but then you practiced!"

"Skating is different, Evans," he practically whines. He parks the car and looks over at her pleadingly. "It's walking on _blades. _On _ice. _I could fall! I _have _fallen! Remember your fourth grade birthday party here? I shattered my glasses!"

"Only because you and Sirius tried to play tag on the ice. You wouldn't have fallen so hard if you weren't trying to run away from the rink guard."

"That's not even -" he starts before running a hand through his hair and groaning. "Can't we do something else? I'll take you to a bookstore?"

She knows he's nervous if he's offering to wander around a bookstore with her. She could stay there for hours, but James finds their local bookshop stuffy and boring.

"This is for you, James! You love being active. I wanted to do something for _you._" Part of her wonders if this wasn't one of her better plans. She's trying to be fun, not make him stressed. She pulls out her best card when she says, "I'll hold your hand the whole time."

He sighs, relenting. "Alright. The _whole _time though. And if I fall, you can't laugh! Or tell Sirius."

"Thank you!" Lily gets out of the car before he can change his mind. She brings her bag with her and looks over the car to see him. "I promise I won't laugh. If you fall, I'll kiss it better." She tries to throw the last line at him like a joke.

Once he's on the ice, she's sure, he'll be fine. Maybe he gained ice skating skills at the same time he gained his high school muscles.

"I'm holding you to that," he grumbles, his cheeks growing pink.

Skating can't truly make him that nervous, Lily tells herself. James was always the outwardly brave one. The one who dove under the bed to check for monsters or tried the tire swing first to make sure it was safe. He's held her hand through all sorts of adventures, so she can hold his across some ice.

"C'mon, Potter," she says, taking his hand and tugging him toward the entrance. "I dug my skates out of the basement for this."

"Yeah, yeah," he says, holding the door open for her. "Did you dig out all your first place ribbons too?"

"No, but I brought a surprise for you. If you're good."

He seems to perk up at this. "I'm always good, Evans."

"Of course." Lily leads them to the front counter and pushes his wrist down before he can reach for his wallet. "Two for public skate with one skate rental." She passes over her pre-counted cash and takes the tickets before James can object.

"I could have covered that, you know. I don't mind."

"I'm the one making you go," she answers, pushing him toward the rental counter. "I should be pulling my weight in this relationship too." James tells the man his shoe size, taking his skates before turning back to Lily.

For a moment, she can pretend that this _isn't _pretend. She's taking her boyfriend skating because she loves it, and she loves to do things that she loves with him.

She finds them a bench and drops her bag. Before putting on her own skates, she taps the bench for him to put his foot up for her to tie. James isn't going to break his ankle on her watch.

"I feel sort of like a child," he says. "Having you do this for me. But also thankful because I'm no good at it."

"If you let me tie your skates," she says while starting to do just that, "we can laugh at all of the tough guys out there with wobbly ankles. You'll be skating circles around them in no time."

James snorts before standing and wobbling. "People aren't meant to walk on _blades."_

"Nathan Chen definitely disagrees with you." Lily has more muscle memory than she thought she would, since it doesn't take long to tie her own skates. "People probably aren't meant to get tackled by defensive backs twice their size either, but you did that every Friday." She reaches out her hand for his. "Ready?"

He takes her hand tightly. "As I'll ever be."

It's been far too long since she's been on the ice, but her body still remembers it. She stayed in group lessons and never learned past a few of the jumps, but she can do this much. For this, she only needs to remember how to stay on her feet.

And maybe skate backwards to show off a little.

Lily turns so she's in front of him, going backwards and holding both of his hands. They're sending a warm, pleasant feeling up her arms, in spite of the cold of the rink.

"Try to march," she instructs James, remembering her first group class.

Her dad brought her. They bought an obnoxiously pink helmet on the way there. They were almost running late, since they didn't realize she needed a helmet until they were nearly there. The whole time, he stood by the side of the rink instead of in the stands with most of the other parents. Every time she did anything, she looked over at him and grinned when he gave her a thumbs up. When she got a sticker at the end of the lesson, her dad took her out for ice cream at McDonald's to celebrate.

She hasn't come to the rink much in the last few years.

Tightening her grip on his hands, Lily takes extra care to make them go slow. "Like that. This isn't so bad, is it?"

"It's… not _bad," _he admits, though he's still a bit shaky. "Still not normal."

"You can pick our next date," she allows. "You're doing great. Now look at me, not your feet." Lily lifts her chin.

"I'm sorry," he says, sighing. "I know I'm being a baby over this. It just never came naturally to me, and that's sort of… rare for me. I sound like a prick, don't I?"

"You don't have to be sorry, and I won't tell." Lily pushes back to make them go a little faster.

"Don't let go," he says, a bit startled.

"I won't. It's kind of nice to teach you something like this. My other skill set is Chemistry, but that's probably even less fun for you."

His grip on her hand tightens. "I did drag you along on so many of my ideas as a kid… I guess I sort of owe you one."

When his fingers tighten on hers, she thinks immediately of the way he sometimes runs his thumb over the back of her hand. She wonders if it's something he thinks about or a natural reaction to holding her hand. "Trying to talk you out of it was half the fun," Lily admits. "Like I said, you can pick the next one."

"It'll be skydiving," he says. He grins for the first time since they pulled into the parking lot of the rink. "Something less dangerous than this."

"Okay," she hedges, though his smile makes her feel lighter. "Maybe I'll be sick that morning."

He laughs, and it's like she can feel his whole body relax more. After a moment of focusing on skating he asks, "How am I doing?"

"Great," Lily replies. "Ready to try on your own?"

"No," he says quickly. "I mean, I don't think so. This is kind of nice anyway." He holds their hands up between them. "Isn't it?"

"It is," agrees Lily. "Though I'm sure you could do it on your own. You don't even need me."

"'Course I do," he says. "I always need you, Evans." His eyes are focused on his feet, so it's hard for her to tell if it's a flippant comment.

"Look up," she reminds him, though something's caught in her throat and her voice is quiet. "You go where you're looking." She watches the line of concentration between his brows and pushes back to make them move again. "I'm really glad we did this, James. All of this."

"Ice skating?" he asks.

"Not just that." Lily tugs on his hand to get them around the end of the rink. She looks over her shoulder to make sure they don't crash into any of the stumbling kids and their parents. "I meant what I said on Valentine's Day. I missed you."

"I've really missed you too." He pauses for a moment before continuing. "I'm sorry if I messed up Valentine's Day for you at all."

"You didn't mess anything up," she replies quickly. "Actually, I was so worried that _I _messed up Valentine's Day for you."

He blinks down at her. "Why would you think that?"

"I was so weird the next morning. Then, on Monday, I was going to throw it all away. Just…" Lily shakes her head. "I overreacted. I'm really glad we're doing this, and I'm really glad we're spending so much time together again. I…" She holds his hands steady until they clear a cluster of other skaters. "I wish we had more time before prom."

"I do too," he says, squeezing her hand. "Hey, I'm serious about that offer to keep fake dating, though. We can fake date right through college, if you want."

If only they had a _reason_ to do that, she thinks. If only this could go on for longer than the time it takes to maybe win her a crown. If only she didn't put a time limit on the time they have. If only she could go into college with James at her side.

If only telling her boyfriend that she actually _likes _him wasn't so hard.

"You think we should? What do we have to prove then?"

"That we're one of those annoying high school sweetheart couples that stick together. Hey, we can even show up to our ten-year reunion together and ask Holiday if she remembers that time she lost prom queen to you?"

"You might have yourself a deal. As long as the wedding isn't on a boat."

It happens so suddenly that Lily isn't sure what exactly causes it.

One moment, she's on her feet with James holding her hand. The next, she hears a sputtering sound from him as if he's choked on air, and then her arm is being tugged roughly downward. Her body meets the ice.

"_Fuck," _curses James. They're a tangle of uncomfortably bent limbs. She isn't sure how they even landed so intertwined. "I told you I was bad at this. Are you okay?"

She's nearly on top of him, so she does her best to untangle them enough to sit next to him on the ice. It takes her a moment to figure out where she is and still doesn't really know how they ended up there. "I'm okay," she says quickly, letting her hair fall on either side of her face to cover her heated cheeks. "Are you okay?" In the midst of every place where her skin is buzzing because they touched, she notices a sharp throb in her wrist. "Ow." Lily winces.

"You're not okay," he says, his eyes wide. He grabs her hand carefully, gingerly putting pressure on her wrist with his fingers. "Does that hurt?"

Her wrist stiffens at his prodding but she tries not to wince again. "Not too much."

"You're a terrible liar, Evans. You always have been." He stands after a few tries, gently lifting her underneath her arms so she's standing. It should be concerning how easily he is able to do that. "I think I should take you to see dad."

"I tried to catch myself and landed on it wrong. I need some ice for it, and I'll be fine." Although she doesn't want to attract too much attention to it, Lily doesn't exactly miss the opportunity to lean slightly back against him once they're standing again.

Probably not the best thing to do when he's so unsteady on his skates.

"I would still feel better if you let dad look at it," James presses. "Even if it is just a sprain. He's not working tonight, so we can easily go to my house and let him have a look."

Fleamont Potter is many things, but he isn't one to fuss where there's no need. If James is going to ask her to do something about the twinge in her wrist, she can accept this. "Fine, okay." She nods and offers her unharmed hand to help him onto solid ground. She offers him a grin, just to show how much her wrist is _absolutely not _bothering her. "If it will make you feel better."

"_Thank you," _he breathes, relieved. "Now, let's get off this ice."

* * *

They're both quiet on the drive back to his house.

It wouldn't be so eerie if there isn't also an absence of music, which is how James knows Lily is lost in her thoughts. If no Taylor Swift is playing, she must be overthinking something. His years of studying all things Lily tell him so.

His eyes dart over to her, his mouth forming into that awkward thin line his mother always pesters him over. _You look like a gnome when you do that, stop it, _he can hear her say, so he tries to relax his jaw.

When he can't take the silence anymore he asks, "Is your wrist bothering you?"

Lily looks away from the window. He notices that she doesn't lift her arm from its place on the console. "No," she says without even glancing at it. At least she's not trying to hide her wince anymore. "Did I scare you away from ice skating forever?"

"Is that what you're really sitting over there worried about?" He chuckles before he can help it, but it seems to be the right response. She visibly seems more relaxed when he does. "No, I mean - _maybe. _But I was already pretty scared of it before. Right now, I'm more mortified that I accidentally hurt you by being a klutz on ice."

Her smile isn't a whole laugh, but it's something. "We'll have to come up with a story for Mary." Lily pauses and, after a second, adds, "Or she'll make us take dance classes before prom."

"Luckily for you _and _me, my mother already had me enrolled in dance classes when we were kids, so I'm actually pretty good at that. Assuming you'll let me lead, I don't think we will suffer any injuries on prom night." They're pulling into his driveway and he puts the car in park. He blinks. "You know, hopefully."

"I should have known. Euphemia always thinks of everything. Hopefully, my three summer sessions of rec ballet classes will be enough to keep up."

He doesn't miss the way she tucks her wrist close to her body as she tries to open the car door. He rolls his eyes good naturedly before opening his own door, jogging around to her side.

"Here," he says. He reaches for her hand, the one he _didn't_ hurt by being an absolute idiot on ice. "Let me help you."

She takes it, though she makes a point to close the door behind her with her foot. "Are you also like this when someone gets hurt on the field?"

"Nah. Usually coach makes me stay back because I '_make everything worse.'"_

He wonders if she'll think he's being a creep if he laces his fingers through hers. Or if she'll think he's treating her like she's weak, attempting to lead her into a house she's been in a thousand times before.

So instead, he drops her hand with one last squeeze and opens the door for her.

And pauses.

"Hey, listen," he says, the door open just a crack. "Dad - um, he knows about Valentine's Day. About you staying the night. And, just a fair warning, he might tease the shit of us. Or me. Probably just me… in _front _of you."

Her smile that was working its way into a laugh drops. "Was he mad? I can explain to him, if it would help, or talk to my mom or -"

"No, no! Don't tell your mom!" James says quickly. Maybe too quickly. "I mean, I don't think he's told my mom either, and I don't want to be grounded. I don't think I've been grounded since freshman year."

_I won't get to see you if I'm grounded_, he thinks to himself. Or worse, his mother will side with his father on this issue and think the whole thing is hilarious. She'll buy him _condoms _or something. That'll really spook Lily, more than him kissing her for real on Valentine's Day did, which is the last thing he wants.

"He thought the whole thing was funny, anyway," he adds. "I wanted to give you a heads up of what you might be walking into."

"I think I'm the bad influence on you." This time, thankfully, she smiles again and even laughs a little. "If he asks, we're, um… waiting at least until prom night?"

"Waiting for wha - _oh!" _

His face must be bright red, because it feels positively on fire right now.

It isn't like he hasn't thought about… _that. _He is a teenage boy, after all, and Lily is a very attractive girl. More than that, she's the _only _girl he's ever thought about doing _that _with because he's been a tied down man since he was five.

He just didn't think _she _thought about… _that._

He knows she's only joking, of course, because to her all of this is fake. Every last bit of it is detailed in that notebook of theirs. He wonders if this will be another bullet point eventually.

Lily's self-contained laugh turns into a full one that fills up the entry of the house.

"James?" Someone calls to them from further in, and his father might actually be _saving _him right now.

"I'm right here!" His voice cracks and he clears his throat. "_We're _right here, I mean!"

They go inside and find Fleamont toward the back of the house in his study, fiddling with an old radio that's admitting so much static that he has to shout. "Hey, you two! What are you doing here? I thought you had a _hot date!_"

James buries his head in his hands, groaning. "Dad, please! We _were _on a date, but Lily's hurt her wrist -"

Fleamont squints, still messing with the radio's signal. "_What?"_

"Her wrist, dad! Her wrist! Can you _please _turn that thing -"

Fleamont shuts the radio off, and James feels his face burn with embarrassment for probably the millionth time tonight as his voice echoes.

"...off," he finishes, blushing.

"I took James to the ice rink," Lily explains, as if he _didn't_ make a fool of himself. "And may have sprained my wrist. Just a little." She holds it up for them both to see. "I can still move it, but James was worried and wondered if you'd check on it."

"She's hardly used it since. Don't think I haven't noticed," he adds when Lily gives him a glare.

"Let me see, then," Fleamont says, cleaning his glasses on his shirt and gesturing toward his desk chair for Lily to sit.

Lily replaces her glare with a parent-approved smile and sits down. She holds out her wrist to his dad, who takes it gently. "What are you working on, Mr. Potter?"

"Oh, that's an old CB radio. I was trying to use it to talk to truckers." He looks over at the radio, blinking sadly. "But I guess we don't have any truckers around here."

James sinks down in his dad's odd airchair, pulling at his hair helplessly. "_Daaad!"_

"Hmm," hums Fleamont, turning his eyes back to Lily's wrist. "James has never understood my obsession with trucker radio. He doesn't approve."

"My dad and I used to listen to the crackly AM country station in that old pickup he had," Lily says softly. She makes a quiet noise of pain when Fleamont touches one part of her wrist. "The station didn't have commercials, but sometimes it would catch an interfering radio signal."

"I remember that about him," Fleamont says, smiling kindly. He nods his head toward a collection of radios that James has always found annoyingly in the way. "Your dad actually gave me that one over there, the gray one with the walkie talkie. You were probably too little to remember."

But she isn't, or at least, James isn't.

As soon as his father mentions the radio, James remembers the birthday dinner for his father that the Evans family attended and how esatic his dad had been when he opened the gift. The two men had messed around with it for the entire rest of the party, even eating their cake over top of it. He had forgotten until just now that Henry Evans had not only been Lily's dad, but Fleamont's friend as well.

"I remember," Lily says, her eyes lingering on the radio. "He taught me how to test the walkie talkie to make sure it worked. He said projects shouldn't be birthday presents." She looks down at her wrist. "I have one he didn't finish fixing in my room."

"He was a good man and an even better friend." Fleamont stands. "I don't think it's broken, but it's definitely sprained. I'll go grab some wrap and fix it up for you."

James watches his dad leave, waiting a moment before speaking again, because Lily's bottom lip is trembling and he wants to give her a moment to collect herself.

"Are you okay?" he asks.

"Yeah." Lily uses her uninjured hand to swipe at the corners of her eyes. She clears her throat to try to talk again, keeping her eyes on her wrist. "It's nice to talk about him sometimes. We… don't at my house."

"That's almost worse, isn't it? It's almost like sort of… forgetting about him."

He wonders if he's pressing too much by asking. By even talking about this. But he can tell she _wants _to talk, that maybe she's wanted to talk to someone about her dad for a long time now and hasn't.

He can't remember the last time Henry Evans was brought up between the two of them.

"Maybe it's the right way for Petunia and Mom, but I…" She sits back in the desk chair and finally looks at James. "I almost forgot what it was like to talk about him to someone who knew him. Maybe I even forgot how much I missed him."

James wants to say a million things, but he's never lost a parent and isn't sure where to start. 'I'm sorry' feels too dismissive.

So instead, he says, "Remember the time we were ten, and he took us hiking in the woods to try to learn how to read a compass, and we got lost?"

"_You _got us lost," she counters, a peek of Lily's teasing spirit shining in her eyes. "You swore you already knew how to use a compass because of your five minutes as a Tiger Cub. I swear, it felt like we were lost for hours, but Dad said it was like ten minutes." She smiles to herself and some tension leaves her forehead. "After we dropped you off, we talked about how lucky I was to have you and not be alone."

"Yeah," he laughs, tugging at a loose thread in his dad's old chair. "The past few years have felt like being lost in the woods without you. I know that's cheesy."

"No, I feel like that too." She lowers her gaze but it doesn't fully leave him. "And we were right next door this whole time. James, I haven't said it, but I'm really sorry about how things…" She gestures with both hands and makes a face when she moves her injured hand. "I'm sorry about not reaching out and not knowing what to say and… everything."

"I'm sorry too," he says, meaning it. "I'm sorry I didn't try harder after your dad died to reach out to you. I'm sorry we lost so much time being… us."

"I've been thinking a lot about all that time. I wish…" Lily shakes her head. "But we're back now, and I'm so glad. I've been thinking about this year and us and… Next year, even when we're not next door anymore, I don't want to lose you."

_Then don't lose me, _he wants to say. _Be with me. For real. Not for prom. Not for Petunia. Not for anyone else, but for the two of us._

But he can't say it.

The timing doesn't feel right.

He looks at her, instead, asking something that has been bothering him for four years now.

"Why did it happen, exactly? I mean, it was ages ago, it feels like, but I can't remember why..." He trails off, taking a deep breath before he starts again. "Why _did_ we lose each other? Why did we suddenly fall apart?"

Lily's chin drops, so she is looking at her fingers. "I think…" She flexes her fingers but takes care not to move the hurt hand. "I wasn't in the right place to talk to anyone. I felt so angry and alone and didn't know how to… be me anymore." Her fingers clench. "Then high school started. Mary moved in, and I was so afraid of _disappointing _people. Like, if I couldn't be old Lily anymore, would they even…"

"You don't have to be one particular way for the rest of your life," James says. He hooks his feet around Lily's chair and the wheels squeak as he drags her closer to him so he can look directly at her, because this feels important. "You're _allowed _to feel things. To feel too much or too little. To let those things change you. No matter what version of Lily you are… I like it."

"Things were bad with Petunia before, but they got even worse. Mom was so different. I didn't even recognize myself, and I didn't want…" Lily sniffles. "I didn't want anyone to feel like I did. You might have wanted the old me back or not known how to talk to me, and I didn't want…" She reaches across the shrinking space between them to take his hand. After only a beat or so, that turns into her leaning forward and wrapping her arms - including the sprained wrist - around him.

"Hey, hey," he says, soothingly. He tightens his arms around her when he feels her let out a shaky sob. "It's okay. We're together now. We found our way back to each other somehow, and that's all that matters."

Lily nods against his shoulder. He remembers this - how she doesn't like to mumble while she's crying. She'll try to take some time to collect herself, but it's always been hard for her to stop once she starts. She takes a careful breath but doesn't pull away. Instead, she moves her chin to rest it on his shoulder. "Don't become a big college star and forget about me."

"You talk like we'll never see each other after high school," he says, attempting to laugh so it comes off as a joke.

Her responding weak laughter is cut off by another sniffle. "Everyone makes comments about high school sweethearts."

"What do you mean?"

"How they never stick together." Lily pulls away to wipe her face again. "And that's what we're being, isn't it? High school sweethearts?"

James frowns, pulling away slightly to look at her. "We're more than that. We're best friends."

"Mary nearly yelled at me for calling you that." A flash of a smile peaks through her stormy expression.

He smiles back. "Why?"

"Because _she's _my best friend."

"Then what am _I?" _he asks, trying to look offended.

"My prom date," she teases back, tilting her chin up to look at him. They aren't as close as they were when she hugged him, but their knees are touching. "No, that's not quite right. You're… James. You're my James."

"Your… James?" He nudges the tip of her nose with his own. "And what does that mean exactly?"

Her mouth opens slightly before she answers him. "It means that you're not like anyone else."

"Hmm," he hums. His eyes dart to her lips before licking his own. "Lily, are you _sure _I didn't mess up Valentine's Day for you?"

She noticeably swallows before shaking her head. "No." Her voice is almost a whisper. "I wouldn't have wanted to spend it with anyone else."

"And the kiss wasn't… _too much?"_

"No," she repeats. Lily closes her eyes and laughs quietly, mostly to herself. She opens her eyes again, and they're all he can see. "Is it bad if I… miss kissing you?"

"No, it would be a relief, actually," he says. "Because I'd very much like to kiss you again. Right now, preferably. If you're okay with that."

Lily doesn't have to answer him out loud, because she's the one who moves to the edge of her chair and kisses him. She cradles her sprained wrist between them and only hesitates for a moment before asking for silent permission to deepen their kiss.

He gives it to her, snaking a hand in her hair and tilting his head at just the right angle. He's careful not to be too crushing with his movements so that he doesn't further hurt her wrist, but after a while their arrangement starts to become uncomfortable.

He gets an idea.

"C'mere, Evans," he murmurs against her lips.

He pulls her toward him by the legs until she's out of her own chair and on top of his, practically straddling him and gingerly placing her injured wrist on the back of the armchair so it has support.

_This _is better, this new position.

He practically has to lean his head up to kiss her like this, which is something he's never had to do before, and it's exciting. His hands find a new place to rest on her thighs, and then they move their way up to her hips because _that's _new too, and he wants to try all the new things he possibly can.

This is a very, very good idea his mind tells him, the part that's so very… _boy. _

The rational part of his mind scolds him the minute he hears a throat clear so loudly that Lily and James jump.

"You know," says Fleamont, looking amused. "Somehow I don't think this is what the doctor ordered for that wrist of yours, Lily."

"Mr. Potter, I -" Face red, Lily scrambles off of James' lap and onto her chair. She very nearly misses the chair entirely, but she catches the arm with her good hand. "No, that, um, wasn't in your treatment plan." Her voice is slightly strained. "Maybe a… home remedy?"

"Indeed," he says, grinning even wider. James wishes the floor would open up and eat him. "Let's see then. I'll wrap you up, and then you'll be good as new. Or as good as you can be with a sprained wrist. Which apparently isn't all that bad."

He snorts with laughter, and James buries his head in his hands. "Dad, can you just…"

"I'm only joking! Making out is completely normal! Your mother and I still -"

"_Dad!" _

Lily shoves her hand out toward his father. Fleamont is still chuckling to himself when he starts to wrap her wrist gently. She interrupts _that _horrible mental image from his dad by asking, "Will it be better by prom?" Lily's voice goes up in pitch. Her cheeks are fading to dark pink instead of bright red. "I didn't buy a dress with long sleeves."

"Oh yes," says Fleamont, finishing up his wrapping with a nod. "Just maybe no more taking James ice skating until _after _prom."

James tries to shove his dad's insult on his ice skating skills and the after prom comment out of his mind. He doesn't want to think about _after prom _when Lily straddling him in an armchair is still a fresh thought that he'd like to explore later.

"Good. Great. Thank you, Mr. Potter. I'll be careful." She holds up her wrapped arm and gives them a loose thumbs up. "James, can you, um, walk me home?"

"Yes, gladly," he says, standing quickly.

"It was good to see you, Lily," says Fleamont. "Even if my son accidentally had to hurt you for it to happen."

Lily catches James' hand with hers immediately. "I'll come by another time," she promises. "Maybe write you a stress e-mail in my first semester of Organic Chem." Despite her polite, parent-friendly tone, she tugs subtly on his hand. "I'll let Mom know you said hi. Bye, Mr. Potter."

They wait until they've safely made it out of his dad's study and halfway down the hallway before practically sprinting out of the door. Once they're outside, with the only sound being the crickets singing around them, James slumps against his front door with a sigh.

"I'm so sorry," he says. "You have no idea how embarrassed I am right now."

"I have a little bit of an idea, I think." Lily turns to face him. Her toes are on the edge of the doormat, so they're still close. "I'm sorry for what you're going to have to deal with when you go back in there. I'd offer some excuse for us to go somewhere and delay that conversation, but…" She glances over at her house. "I still have homework to finish."

"It's alright," he says, smiling. "Can't have your grades slipping, now can we?"

"Have to make sure I stay on prom court and don't get grounded before then." Lily's still holding his hand, and she swings their linked fingers back and forth. "Speaking of, would you want to… study with me this week?"

"Hmm. I think I could manage a study date. Though, I have to warn you… I'm easily distracted."

"Good thing you're dating an honors student." She nods sagely. "Senioritis gets to everyone, but we'll manage."

He doesn't bother to correct her that they aren't _actually _dating when it feels so very much like they are right now. He wants to hold onto this feeling, not bust it like a balloon.

"We always do, you and I." His eyes dart to her wrapped hand. "Does it hurt still?"

"It's not too bad. I'll take an Advil if I need it and let you know if anything changes." Her forehead is smooth, so she's not holding back a reaction. "I promise."

He lifts her wrapped hand to inspect the job his dad has done, running his thumb over her knuckles. "I worry about you, Evans."

"I worry about you too," she admits. Her eyes follow the path of his thumb. "I'm fine now. Actually, I feel… a lot better. Not just about my wrist."

"Really?"

"Really," she confirms simply. Her gaze slides from his thumb to his face and over to her house. Her eyes only settle there for a few seconds before returning back to him. "You should walk me over. Before your dad comes up with more reasons to tease you."

"Yeah, you're probably right," he agrees.

He didn't realize that they were standing around until she said something, and he wonders if his dad is listening through the door. Which would be mortifying if he is.

He quickly but gently tugs her away.

They're almost to her house when he stops them. "Lily," he starts, wondering exactly how to say this. "I really like-" _This. You. Dating you. I'd like to make it real. _" - kissing you."

That's not _exactly _what he meant to say. But it's sort of close, right?

"James," she says, obviously trying to hold back some laughter, "I think it's pretty obvious that I like kissing you too."

"Well, that's a relief," he says, smiling. "And, if it's okay with you, that is, I'd like to do it… _more_."

"Okay," Lily agrees quickly. "I mean, yeah. It's okay with me." They're in her driveway, standing next to her sister's car. She lifts her chin and straightens her shoulders, so she's standing a little taller. "I'd like to do it more too."

"Maybe," he starts, stretching the word out, "we could do it some more now?"

"Yeah." She bounces on the balls of her feet, tilting her head up toward him. "I'd like that."

"Me too."

And he really _does _want to kiss her.

So this time he leans in, smiling against her lips when she meets him halfway.


	14. Shake It Off

**A/N: It's the last chapter before prom yall! Join us in our campaign on our joint tumblr page (gingerinthesequel over there too)!**

**Chapter Fourteen: Shake It Off**

"_But I keep cruising, can't stop, won't stop moving. It's like I got this music in my mind, saying it's gonna be alright."_

If James had known that making kissing an everyday, casual thing would make the tension after Valentine's Day easier between them, he would have suggested it sooner.

He's fairly certain that this borders on actual-real-life-boyfriend privileges, but his brain is so foggy as his lips make a trail down her neck that he can't think of why this would have any consequences. Other than making his pants increasingly uncomfortable, but that's a different sort of issue.

It's so sweet, her neck. It's long and elegant. Just the right sort of neck for pressing lazy kisses against on a warm, sunny afternoon. He's always been fond of it. On the days she would wear her hair up in a ponytail, he would wonder what it would be like to do this. He would wonder what _she _would do, if he were able to do such an intimate thing.

Sigh happily, it seems.

She's saying something that his clouded mind can't quite make out, and he tries to shake himself out of his Lily Evans-induced fog. He places another kiss to the base of her neck. "What was that, Evans?"

She makes a faint noise of protest. "Something silly about my Gov essay, or…" Lily lifts her head to try to find his lips. "It doesn't matter."

They really ought to be studying. They _started out _studying.

But then that turned to a peck on the lips whenever he got an answer right on a study guide. To open mouthed kisses that lasted so long that they couldn't remember what assignment they were working on when they came up for air after a good five minutes.

Then it progressed to _this. _

Lily Evans underneath him on his basement couch. Him exploring her neck, which had once been uncharted territory. Her hands in his hair.

He never had Lily underneath him before. He never had her tug his hair before, and it's far more exciting and better than any homework assignment. Even better than he imagined, and he imagined it a number of times.

He knows they're likely to regret it tomorrow when their homework is half done - or, in his case, not done at all. But she makes a noise like a gasp as he tries his teeth gently against her skin for the first time, and it doesn't matter.

Nothing else matters.

"Gov essay," he repeats. He can't even remember what Gov _is_ at this point. "It'll be amazing." He nips again, and she squirms with her gasp this time. "You always do so well."

She _giggles,_ light and happy and likely from the same cloud where he's currently floating. She doesn't make any move to get away from him. If anything, her hands in his hair pull him a little closer. "I don't care about stuffy politicians right now," Lily admits, giving up on her quest to meet his mouth and offering more of her neck. One of their phones buzzes, but neither of them pay attention. "I don't want to think about any of them. You're doing so well at _this_."

If she doesn't want to think, he's more than willing to oblige.

His mother always says he's a master at distraction, so he puts all of those skills to use right this moment. He cradles her face, tilting her chin up with this thumb, placing a kiss where her jaw meets her ear, and enjoying the sound she makes when he does.

"You have freckles here," he says, placing another kiss to that spot. "Did you know?"

"Maybe at one point. Is that a good thing?"

"It's a _very _good thing," he says against her skin, so he feels his breath puff back at him. "I never knew you had them right here. They're so small and scattered. I adore your freckles, you know."

Lily giggles again, and it's quickly becoming one of his favorite sounds. Maybe second, he decides, next to the little gasps his kisses prompt. "You can see some freckles on my shoulders in my prom dress, but…" Opening her eyes, she shakes her head. "I'm not supposed to tell you about my dress."

"Mmphm." The sound vibrates against her throat and his lips. "I'd love to hear about it, though. You've been so secretive. I'll trade you info about my tux for info about your dress."

"Mary would be furious." She shifts beneath him to successfully press her lips against the corner of his mouth, teasingly out of reach. "Let me guess about yours. It's…" She kisses him lightly again. "Lime green."

He chuckles against her. It sounds huskier than normal. "Wrong. Can you imagine? I'd look _amazing _in lime green."

"You would. You look annoyingly good in anything." Her nose brushes his cheek when she nods. "Let me guess again. Your mom teased you with the worst one in the store, but she actually picked the _best_ one."

"I can neither confirm nor deny," he teases. "Is this one of our new games? The guessing game? I don't remember playing this as kids."

"I don't remember you kissing me like _that _as kids."

"Well, to be fair, I didn't even _think _about kissing like this back then. Or, if I did, kissing was something gross my parents did to embarrass me. Nothing like _this." _He demonstrates, capturing her mouth with his own finally.

She laughs into the kiss, causing his lips to curve into a smirk against hers.

"Nothing like that," she agrees in a mumble against his lips. She shifts again, sinking further into the couch and pulling him down with her. Their lips meet again as one of her hands in his hair moves down to cup his jaw.

_This _is so much better than whatever homework assignment he had been focused on before. It's hard to focus on anything other than Lily and the way her curves are curled against him in a way they've never been before.

It's hard to memorize notes when he'd much rather be memorizing the sounds she makes whenever he touches her.

He could do this forever.

Except, he realizes, he really _can't _when there's a bark of laughter from above them.

_Fucking Sirius. _

"Told you they were making out," he says to someone_. _James isn't sure exactly who, because he's letting out a dissatisfied groan into the crook of Lily's neck.

"I never doubted you for a second."

_Mary, _he realizes. _Oh fuck._ Their best friends are about to have a field day with the position they've caught them in.

Lily's hand drops from his cheek. Her curves turn into harder edges, but she doesn't push him away. "Do you need something?" she asks over his head. "Mary, you told me you were studying with Benjy. What are you doing here?"

"I told you I was studying with Benjy until dinner time, then meeting you for a sleepover." Mary laughs. "Lily, I've been waiting at your house for over an hour. When you didn't show up, I came over here to see what was going on."

"How did you -"

"And _you, _Jimmy, my boy," adds Sirius. James curls his nose up at the nickname Sirius _knows _he absolutely hates. "You are overdue for a guys night."

James blinks. "Guys night?"

As if waiting for an invitation, there's a pounding of synchronized steps down his basement stairs, and Remus and Peter are there. Remus looks amused. Peter looks disgusted.

It's practically a party in his basement.

And parties in his basement are cursed.

"Sorry, Mary, I got, um…" Lily unfreezes beneath him, but she's gently pushing him so they end up beside each other on the couch. That's too far away when they were closer than they had ever been. "Distracted." Even if they didn't catch them in the middle, Lily's hair and red lips would probably have given them away.

"Obviously," Mary replies, definitely smirking.

Damn their mood killing friends.

"If you girls wanted to stay, I'm sure -" Remus starts.

"Remus," Sirius interjects, crossing his arms. "It's _guys _night."

"But you _do_ get to invite your boyfriend," Peter points out.

"It's _still _guys night," counters Sirius. "The fact that I have a boyfriend doesn't matter. Guys night is guys night. It's - it's _sacred!" _

Mary nods. "As is girls night. We have a lot to do to plan for prom, Lily. We need to decide on hair, makeup, nails…" She starts ticking off all the things James can't even begin to understand on her fingers.

"That sounds like torture." James stretches his arm across the couch and over Lily's shoulders. "I like what we were doing before you guys interrupted us more."

"Yeah." Mary's smirk is back. "I bet you do. Looked to me like _proof_ that -"

"Okay, okay!" Lily interrupts. "I know. Prom is coming, and we have a lot to plan. Petunia's staying with a friend, so we'll have full control of the bathroom to experiment."

James feels like pouting but doesn't because he isn't pathetic. Or, at least, he refuses to show how pathetic he really feels.

He honestly hasn't had a guys night in forever, and he knows how important Lily's time with Mary is. He can spare her for a night. It's just harder to do when each night is getting closer to prom, closer to the possibility of all this ending.

He hasn't been able to convince her yet that he's worth spending more nights like this with _past _prom.

He leans over to kiss her because he can. There's no longer any hesitation, any asking for permission, and that _has _to count for something. "Have fun with your girls night," he says.

"You have fun too." Lily gives him another short kiss.

He tells himself that she would do that, even if no one else was watching.

She stands and pulls her hair out of its ponytail. Lily runs her hand through it a few times, removing some of the evidence of their study date activities. Their notebooks and textbooks lay mostly forgotten, but she starts to shove hers into her equally forgotten backpack.

"_Aw," _coos Sirius. James cuts his eyes to him, but the threat falls flat. "You two are adorable. I call godfather to whatever children you spawn."

"That is such a gross way of putting it," says Mary, shuddering. Her eyes go wide a split second later. "Godmother! I call godmother!"

Remus laughs, bending down to help Lily with her books because that's the type of friend he's always been. "I don't think you have much competition here for godmother, Mary."

"I don't want them calling _Petunia _-"

"Stop talking about kids!" protests James, tugging on his hair. "We aren't having any kids!"

"_Technically, _you already have," Peter contradicts. "Remember that fake baby project where you guys were paired together in middle school health?"

"You can both be godparents for this hypothetical child," Lily says, shoving the corner of her textbook to try to make it fit in her bag. "We'll call you when the batteries malfunction and he won't stop crying."

Remus helps her fit the books in and manages to close the zipper.

"I miss little Harry," says James before blinking the image of their little robotic baby away. He shakes his head. "What are we doing for guys night anyway?"

Sirius grins. "Paintball."

"_That _sounds like torture," Lily says.

"_No," _groans James. "You always almost kill me whenever we do paintball." He turns to Lily. "Can I go do prom stuff with you?"

"As much as I'd love to spend more time with you, I'm not sure you'll like - "

"No spoilers!" Mary declares, taking Lily's bag and putting it on her shoulder. "You have to be surprised on prom night. Prom is only a week away. You're not ruining it for yourself now!"

James blinks.

He didn't realize how _close _prom is. It's circled on his mom's calendar upstairs in red marker, and it's an event on his phone. But up until now, it seemed like something that was a million years away.

Not just a week.

"No spoilers," Lily says, squeezing his hand and dropping it. "But I'll text you."

"You'll text him in the morning," Sirius adds. "One night away is good practice for your bachelor and bachelorette parties."

The tops of Lily's cheek color. "Have a good night, boys."

He manages a weak goodbye.

Only a week left, he thinks, watching her go.

He only has one week left to make Lily Evans love him.

* * *

Her essay isn't up to her normal standard, Lily knows, but she can't really bring herself to care.

She got it done, so she hasn't completely given up on her last semester. Honestly, that should be as much as anyone expects of a graduating senior.

Her college acceptances are already sitting in a stack on the desk in her bedroom. Decision day is right before prom, and she still has to turn in a deposit. Something keeps stopping her every time she goes on the website to make her final decision. She can never quite get to the part where she enters her mom's credit card information.

Six months ago, her mind was already on the next place.

Now, she's a little more grounded in high school.

All the letters say they'll look at her final grades, but do they really do that? It's not like they're going to turn around and offer her _more _scholarships because she did spectacularly well in her last semester of AP Government.

Yearbook is first this morning, so she said goodbye to James by the car. They got to the school a little early so she could get to class. Although Mary is trying her best not to show it, running a prom royalty campaign and editing the school yearbook is a lot to take on at once.

Lily twists the combination for her locker and opens it, only for the door to be stopped.

She looks up from her phone, which is open to a text that details the spreads Mary wants to work on today, to see someone she didn't expect.

"Good morning, Hannah." She pushes back on her locker door, but Hannah doesn't move. "Sorry, I don't have a lot of time. Do you need something?"

"Oh, nothing really," sings Hannah. She's got a smile that looks like lava, and Lily takes a small step back to avoid being burned. "I thought we could walk to class together. I mean, we're _friends, _aren't we, Lily?"

"Um, yeah." Lily puts most of her books in the locker and manages to pull out her yearbook sketchbook before Hannah snaps her locker closed. "We still have some time before the bell, so I was going to lay out some pages with Mary. Is there something you want to work on?"

"Oh, no. Nothing at all. All of my assignments are caught up. I'm just here early. It looks good, you know, for people to see a positive example." Hannah loops her arm through Lily's, practically dragging her down the hallway toward the classroom. "So, Lily, tell me. Did James drive you to school today?"

It isn't like Hannah to be particularly early for class, so Lily wonders if she's missing something. Were they supposed to get in early for some prom court thing that she somehow missed?

"Yes? He's been driving me all semester because he hates seeing me wait for the bus. Did you remember that we live next door?"

"That's _right, _isn't it," Hannah gasps dramatically. As though she had forgotten that she once spent the night at Lily's house when they were younger, and James had come to play with them. That they were once friends, before Hannah decided Lily was not cool enough to be seen with in middle school.

Hannah had been her first break up with a friend, but Lily often forgets. It never hurt in quite the same way as breaking away from James had.

"I'd forgotten all about that," continues Hannah. "Small world, isn't it? How come you were never at any of his parties last year? He hasn't had one in awhile, but you two are neighbors. You used to be the _best _of friends before you started dating."

She's only started having this conversation with James, so she's certainly not ready to have it with Hannah, of all people. "We were both busy doing our own things. You know how childhood friendships sometimes go."

_Why wasn't I at any of your parties? _

She's tempted to ask, just to see if Hannah can come up with some excuse that doesn't sound like the mean girl in a high school drama.

Though part of her - the jealous part - does wonder what happened at parties she didn't attend that involved James and Hannah. Not that she has any right to be upset if something _did _happen.

Lily tugs on their linked arms to direct them to the right classroom. The motion is also to feel like she has some control over what is coming. Every other conversation with Hannah this year has been sharp edged, so Lily feels like she's waiting for a twist. "Our families always meet over Christmas, so this year… we happened. Now he's one of my best friends _and_ my boyfriend."

"That's wonderful," gushes Hannah. "It all happened so... _naturally, _didn't it?"

"It did," Lily answers carefully. "We got some time to talk alone at Christmas, and it felt right. I guess I've… liked him for a long time."

She needs to get the courage to tell _him_ that before their time runs out. Though, if that's the speech she's trying to go with, Mary would probably have some edits.

Speaking of Mary…

"What's going on?"

Mary is already in the yearbook classroom, working at the computer on a layout. She turns away from the screen and stands when she sees Hannah with Lily, hands on her hips.

"Relax, Macdonald," says Hannah in a tone less coated in sugar than the one she was using with Lily. "We were having a friendly chat."

Mary snorts, and Lily admires her audacity. "You and _my _Lily? Having a friendly chat? What are you up to, Holiday?"

"It's fine." Lily pulls her arm away from Hannah's grasp and tries to get past Mary to see what she's working on at the computer. Mary's standing in her way, so she can't hook onto the distraction as she'd like. "We have a lot of work to do."

"Of course," says Hannah. She smiles at Lily in a way that goes straight through her. "We can talk later. At lunch, maybe? I know you have lunch everyday with James, almost like it's a… pre-arranged thing."

That stops Lily's effort to see the computer screen.

In their short conversation, Hannah managed to mention James driving to school and eating lunch with her - both things that she and James detailed when their whole arrangement started. Surely, it's just her way of getting under Lily's skin. It's just to prod at her before prom to get her off her game. There's no way she can really know anything.

"If wanting to spend time with my boyfriend counts as pre-arranged." Lily focuses on keeping her voice steady. Hannah can't know she's doing anything. She can't know that she's dangerously close to a truth Lily doesn't like acknowledging. "We don't get much other time together during the school day, so we agreed on lunch. I don't like to miss it. Maybe you and I can talk some other time?"

"Sure thing, Lily," says Hannah, relenting almost too easily.

She goes to her seat at the back of the class, gently placing her bag down. Normally, Hannah does her makeup at her desk. Today, she pulls out a notebook and starts to flip through it. Maybe she has a test she hasn't studied for, and _that's _what's making her act odd?

"Something's going on with that one," whispers Mary so only Lily can hear.

"It must be because of prom," Lily says, sliding into the chair next to Mary's and clicking through her work. She puts all of the confidence she doesn't have into her tone. "If she's taking the time to try to mess with me, she must be worried about the votes. I must stand a chance."

Mary nods, but she still keeps the corner of her eye on Hannah. "That must be it. God, I can't wait for her to see you wearing that crown."

"We better do some last minute campaigning then. Make sure we get every possible vote." Lily nudges Mary's shoulder with hers. "I don't know why you were so worried. This looks great."

"Yeah, yeah," says Mary, smiling smugly. "I just wanted to hear someone say it."

* * *

"Maybe we should add an extra page in the prom section," Mary says while they walk through the cafeteria. "We should feature more than the court, since everyone spends so much time getting ready."

Lily nods in agreement, putting her tray down in her usual place and leaning down to kiss James without thinking about it.

Things are so _easy _with him. She hopes he notices that too.

"Hello there," he greets, scooting down to make room.

"Where are Sirius and Remus?" Mary looks around, blinking. "And Peter?"

"Sirius and Remus are on a Subway run," says James. He shrugs. "Who knows about Peter these days. He always seems to be missing. How have your days been?"

Lily thinks for a moment about telling him what Hannah said. She considers letting him know that she might be up to something. If Hannah wants to plot, having James on Lily's side can only help things.

But she doesn't want to be the silly girl who acts jealous over a boy who only agreed to _fake _date her.

Because maybe that's it. Maybe she's assigning meaning to something that isn't there because this is ending soon. She has to figure out if he would ever want this to be _real_.

"We're almost finished with the yearbook layout," she says instead. "I think one of the only things I still need for the sports section is a signing photo from our captain." She leans against him so their arms are touching. "Are you going to tell me where you decided to commit?"

"I'm currently undecided," he says bashfully.

Sometimes, she thinks this is one of her favorite sides of James. The unsure side is one that lots of people don't get to see. It makes her want to kiss him.

James stabs at what the school thinks is mashed potatoes before tucking the uncertainty away and turning his grin on her. "Can I go where you go?"

"Forever and ever." She's being entirely truthful when she adds, "I would love that."

Maybe they _can _last past prom night.

"Have you made a decision, Lily?" Mary looks up from her own potatoes. "I sent in my deposit last night, but I know you were still deciding."

"I…"

She's been daring herself to start this conversation with James, but she hasn't actually been able to do it yet. When she thought about college before this semester, it never occurred to take where someone else might go into account.

She shouldn't have tried to find out his answer without having the conversation properly. It was mostly to get his answer before she had to make her final decision. Every miscommunication plot tells her things go better when people are honest, but it's hard to put herself out there like that. If she says they're going to the same place, that she wants to go where he goes, is he going to think it's all part of their agreement?

"Is this seat taken?"

Lily's back immediately straightens at the interrupting voice.

It can't be. She wouldn't stray from the popular table.

Hannah doesn't wait for an answer. Instead, she moves Lily's bag from the seat and drops her perfectly pink lunch box next to Lily's ugly brown lunch tray.

Mary looks at Hannah over her spoon. "What's up, Holiday?"

"Hmm," hums Hannah, making a big show of unzipping her lunch box. "Oh, I thought I'd join you guys for lunch. I mean, that's not a problem, is it?"

"You've literally never eaten lunch with us before," says James. He gives Lily a questioning look, to which she responds by mouthing, '_I don't know!'_

"There's a first time for everything," says Hannah, nudging Lily a bit too roughly with her elbow. "Isn't that right, Lily?"

"I guess so." Lily looks over at Mary, trying to communicate with best friend telepathy. "Won't your friends miss you?"

Hannah scoffs, waving Lily's question away and nearly hitting her in the face in the process. "They'll be _fine. _Sometimes you need a change of pace. Something different."

"Okay." Lily pokes her chicken with a fork instead of eating it. She turns to James and does her best not to let Hannah's audience affect how she will talk to him. "Did you want to meet up after school again today?"

He immediately perks up at this. She swears his cheeks are tinted pink. "Another study date?"

"Oh, _gross," _says Mary, although she doesn't look like she means it. She grins as she eats another spoonful of yogurt. "Another chance for you two to _make out, _you mean?"

"Ooooh," coos Hannah, leaning into Lily. "You two have _kissed _then?"

"Of course we have," Lily answers, her cheeks matching James' in color. "We've been dating since December."

"That's so sweet," says Hannah in a way that makes it sound almost sour. She takes a bite of one of her baby carrots. "I wasn't sure where you two were, timeline wise in the relationship. I mean, cheek and forehead kisses? That's sort of fair game for every couple. But making out... that's something you want to make sure you're comfortable with before diving into."

Lily resists the urge to put her hand in James' hair, pull him toward her, and kiss him because she _can_.

She shouldn't, she tells herself. Aside from the fact that she might get detention for PDA, that's something jealous Lily would do. She shouldn't give into jealous Lily's urges.

"That's a little personal, isn't it?" Lily asks instead. "As long as what we do works for us…"

"Oh yeah," says Hannah, nodding. "Whatever _agreement_ the two of you have come up with for sure."

Mary's eyes narrow from her side of the table.

Lily can feel James tense next to her, and he grabs her hand. It makes her feel more in control. They're a unified front.

"We can hang out at my place after school." He ignores Hannah as he says this, squeezing Lily's hand. "Dad will be around, but you know. Radios."

"Is that some cute couple thing?" Mary asks. "Or do I not want to know?"

"Nah," says James, grinning. "My dad is just really into radios."

"That sounds great." Lily squeezes his hand back and doesn't let go. She moves closer to him on the bench seat and tilts her chin back to look at him. "Maybe your dad can officially clear my wrist for all types of dancing at prom."

"_Prom," _repeats Hannah. "How did he ask you, Lily? I never heard the story."

It was nice when she explained it to Mary. They could get excited on their phones like James actually wanted to ask her to prom, all on his own. Recounting the story to Hannah, with all of her suspicion and edged comments, makes it feel deceptive and almost dirty.

She doesn't want to let Hannah have this part of them.

She wants it to be a part of _them_.

Not something in the agreement. Not a point to prove Petunia wrong. Not anything but Lily and James coming together because they _want _to be together.

But she can't say that in front of Hannah.

"He asked me in the park by our houses. We've been playing there since we were kids." She looks over at James, and his hand is still in hers. It makes this whole situation more bearable. "It was perfect, and I loved it."

"That's so _cute_."

"Yeah," says Mary, twirling her yogurt spoon in her fingers. "Because they're fucking adorable. Who are you going to prom with, Hannah? That's what _I'm _interested in."

Hannah's eyes narrow dangerously at Mary. "It's really none of your business."

James laughs. "Because you're not every bit in _our _business. What's the matter, Holiday? Couldn't get Fenwick to ask you to prom? And why is that again, Mary?"

If she didn't already want to kiss him, Lily definitely does now.

"Oh, I don't know," says Mary. "Could it possibly be because he asked _me _first?"

"You two are so cute. We're taking pictures together beforehand, right?" Lily leans into James like Hannah isn't watching them. "Our moms are going to want a million pictures. Can you all come over early to make sure we have time? I mean, you'll already be over to get ready, Mary, but what about you, James? And the boys?"

"'Course I can," he says, smiling that charming smile of his that she hopes is reserved just for her. "We'll have to cut our moms off eventually. I have strict dinner reservations at six."

"It's a date."

Mary nudges her foot under the table. She knows she's going to hear all about _proof _and needing to say something before she runs out of time.

With his arm against hers, she can almost convince herself that he feels it too.

"Well," says Hannah, standing and slamming the palms of her hands down on the table so everyone jumps. "This has been _lovely, _but I've got to go. Good luck at prom." She looks at Lily as she says this, her smile over-large and fake. "I think it's amazing that we're both nominated for prom queen this year. Though, I suppose you do owe some of the credit to James here."

"What's _that _supposed to mean?" snaps James.

"Oh nothing." Hannah's already walking away, tossing her hair over her shoulder. "You certainly don't hurt the votes, is all."

_She knows_.

She doesn't have anything to prove it, but Lily can feel it. There's no other reason for Hannah to wait until now to do something. Why else would she be so forward? She's made pointed comments since they showed up at her party together, but she never sat down beside them at lunch. She's never been so direct in front of James.

Something must have changed.

"She sees us as a threat," Lily says, stabbing her uneaten chicken with her fork. "She's trying to get in our heads. We need to get the votes on Saturday. Then it'll all blow over."

"I don't know, Lily," says Mary, staring after Hannah. "Something tells me she's not going to let this blow over."

"She's _Hannah Holiday." _Lily appreciates the way James practically spits her name. "What can she possibly do?"

Her mind spins a few possibilities in the second after he asks.

_She can ruin prom night. She can tell someone what we did. She can make you hate me. _

She doesn't know how she would do any of that, but the toss of her hair makes Lily think she has some kind of plan.

"I don't know," Lily admits. "It's… it's going to be fine."

James nods. "Totally fine."

"I'll make sure it's fine," says Mary. "I'll be your personal guard for the night. I'll roundhouse kick her in the face if I have to. I'm pretty sure I can do it. I've been practicing."

"No, we're going to enjoy prom." Lily realizes that her hand hasn't left James', so she runs her thumb over the back of his, like he does to the back of her hand sometimes. "It's going to be the best night of our lives or whatever they say in the movies. We can't let Hannah Holiday ruin it."

They'll win, she tells herself. People have stopped her in the halls to say they're voting for her. Their posters are in every hallway with senior classes. They stand a real chance.

After they win, she'll do something about it. She'll gather all of her courage and maybe make Mary give her a pep talk in the bathroom, but she'll do it. She'll reveal her hand and see if James wants to take a bet on her.

James grins at her, and Lily's heart beats a little faster.

"That's my girl."


	15. Enchanted

**A/N: Today is the one year anniversary of us posting this fic and IT'S PROM YALL! Get your tickets ready, and enjoy!**

**Chapter Fifteen: Enchanted**

"_This night is sparkling, don't you let it go."_

If Petunia spends one more minute in their shared bathroom, Lily is absolutely going to lose it.

She knocks insistently on the door again. "Can you hurry up? Mary is coming by soon to get ready!"

"Five more minutes!"

"I'm going to run out of time!"

"God, Lily, stop being so dramatic! You'll have plenty of time! It's not like you have much to do!"

Lily groans and knocks on the door again. If she remembers correctly, Petunia also had a prom to get ready for last year, and Lily had only been allowed to use the downstairs bathroom. Petunia staked her claim because she had to 'look perfect for the yearbook photo.' Lily also has a chance of her picture being featured in the yearbook, but she hasn't been given enough time in the bathroom to do anything more than a morning shower.

Petunia is only getting ready for a Saturday, and she still insists on using _their _bathroom. She knows what day it is and how much Lily actually has to do before James comes by for pictures.

"I'm going into the office," their mother calls from downstairs. Lily can hear her collecting her keys and purse. "I'll grab us lunch on the way home."

"Mom, Petunia is -"

Petunia opens the door enough to pop her head into the hallway. "Everything's fine, Mom! See you later!" The steam rises behind her, and she's wrapped in a towel, not even in the shower yet. Lily lets her forehead fall against the wall by the door.

"Love you!"

The front door closes at the same time that Petunia closes the bathroom door. She clicks the lock into place and turns up the music on her phone.

Lily slides down the wall next to the bathroom and sits on the floor. She pulls out her phone to see no new updates from Mary, which means she's definitely on her way.

_Lily to Mary: Petunia's the worst_

_Lily: We'll have to rearrange_

_Lily: We can do nails after the salon?_

_Mary: be there in two minutes_

_Mary: do you have a back up hair plan?_

_Lily: no?_

_Lily: why?_

Mary doesn't answer right away, but the doorbell chimes from downstairs. Lily pushes herself up from the floor, kicking the bathroom door for good measure, and goes down the stairs to open the door. Mary's on the doorstep, her arms full of bags, boxes, and her dress bag.

"We have a minor problem, but it's fine. I'm taking care of it."

Lily takes some of the bags from her and ushers Mary inside. "What kind of minor problem?"

"Like I said, it's fine." Mary lays her dress bag over the back of an armchair in the living room. "The salon might be… a little backed up is all."

"How much is _a little?"_

"They rescheduled us for after lunch?"

"Mary! What am I going to do? I'm awful at following those tutorials online, so I can't -"

"It's going to be fine!" Mary takes her by the shoulders, making Lily meet her eyes. "Do you think your campaign manager would let you down? I already have someone else coming over, and it's going to be _fine_. Go get your nail polish. We'll start getting ready while we wait for them."

Lily nods. "It's going to be fine," she repeats. Every time that Mary has said she's got something under control, she has been right. She wouldn't lie to her today, on the most important of days. "Petunia took over the bathroom, but I'll try to bring everything down."

"It'll be more than fine. Everything will be _perfect," _Mary insists. She punches the air with her fist. "Absolutely perfect. I'll wash your hair in the sink if I have to."

"I got a shower in, at least!" Lily calls from the stairs, shaking out her almost dry hair. Petunia is still in the bathroom with her music turned on high. Focusing on Mary's confidence and her mission, Lily grabs everything from her room. She puts her dress bag over her arm and hauls a full tote down the stairs.

"Okay. I can text Mom to have her stop for anything we might be missing. She'll be back in time for - _Sirius?"_ Lily stops on the bottom step, wide eyed.

Sirius Black is standing in her living room wearing a grin like the Cheshire Cat.

"Never fear," he says, swinging a curling iron. "Sirius is here."

Even though she's very sure she doesn't have anything stuck in her hair, Lily nearly drops everything in her arms to check. "You're my emergency hair stylist? Doesn't James need you?"

Sirius snorts, plugging in the iron. "James has to put a suit on right before pictures, and he's fine. God knows you love his hair the way it is, and there's nothing I can do to help its state, anyway. I'm all yours, Evans."

"Men," Mary says from the place where she's stretched out on the couch. Even though she's in a relaxed position, Lily can tell she's taking special care not to crush the perfectly laid curls that go to her shoulders. "You have a point, Black. If he doesn't mess it up, Lily will definitely -"

"Mary!" Lily drops her bag and lays her dress bag over Mary's with care. She sinks into the chair in front of Sirius before he can see her cheeks. "Should I look up a picture on my phone for reference?"

"Nah," he says, brushing through her hair with his fingers. "They never actually do any good. Just tell me… up or down?"

In a flash, almost like it's a scene from a movie, she remembers James kissing her neck and his comments about her freckles.

"Up," she replies. "I think."

"Definitely up," he approves. He snaps his fingers at Mary. "You are in charge of handing me bobby pins!"

"Ugh," she groans, rising from the couch. "What am I paying you for, anyway?"

"You're _not _paying me," Lily hears Sirius mumble underneath his breath. He wraps some of her hair around the iron, careful not to get it too close to her neck.

"Did you check in with James this morning? I wasn't sure if there was some superstition around us texting or…"

"You aren't getting married today, Evans." Sirius barks a laugh and it makes some of the tension Lily didn't even know was in her shoulders relax. She's always had a soft spot for Sirius and his dog-like laugh. It reminds her of afternoons on the playground and planning pranks. "Texting him will probably do his nerves some good. He hasn't been able to sit still since he got up this morning. He's likely twisted an ankle by now playing parkour."

"He better not," Mary warns.

"Is Remus meeting us for pictures?"

"Yeah, unless you'd rather me tell him to come over now. James would go crazy if we're all over here, and he's stuck with Euphemia."

"He can keep James company," she answers, turning her phone in her hands. "Getting ready is a process."

_Lily to James 3: All good today, prom king?_

"Chin up," Mary says, tapping her shoulder. "We can't have you getting burned."

"Especially where this wand is right now," agrees Sirius. "You'd look like you and James got into some pre-prom activities."

James' response comes rather quickly. Was he looking at his phone too?

Thankfully, it saves her from coming up with a response to Sirius.

_**James: Feeling great today, prom queen. **_

_**James: Definitely didn't hurt my ankle or anything**_

_Lily: Have you?_

_Lily: Be honest_

_Lily: I won't tell Mary_

"You won't tell me what?" Mary hands Sirius a bobby pin and isn't subtle about looking over Lily's shoulder to her phone screen.

"It's nothing," Lily dismisses quickly.

_**James: I'm kidding! **_

_**James: I almost hurt it but mom made me sit down **_

_**James: She says my bouncing around is driving her crazy**_

_**James: We're watching You've Got Mail now so she can distract me **_

_**James: It's working… I love this movie **_

_Lily: And she didn't invite me?_

"Evans!" scolds Sirius, making her jump and nearly drop her phone. She doesn't want to know how close the curling iron got to her skin. "Head up! Do you want to look like a goddess or not?"

"Got it, got it." Lily straightens her posture and puts her phone face down on the coffee table to avoid the temptation of sending him anything else.

Maybe she should be using this time to prepare for when she's going to see him in person. What she's going to do. What she's going to say to him. How she's going to let him know that she doesn't want them to end when the night does.

Or she can try to think about other things.

"Do you have any surprises in mind for Remus?"

"Just charming him with my beauty," he says. He snaps his fingers for a bobby pin. Lily is surprised when Mary doesn't chuck one at him. "But that's an everyday thing."

"God, you're a monster," says Mary. "How'd you ever fit your big head in this house?"

"Petunia's ego already made some room," Lily offers. "Have you done this before, Sirius? You haven't pulled my hair or stabbed me with a pin yet."

"It was _one time_," Mary argues.

"Stabbed?" questions Sirius. "What kind of hair experiments are you guys doing?"

"They're not so much experiments as they are life lessons," Mary says, handing him another pin.

"Punishments for my poor head, more like."

"_Oookay _then." Sirius places the pin in with skilled ease. "Thank god I was never part of your sleepovers."

"Our sleepovers are awesome," Mary says. "I make the best popcorn. You just don't want to admit that you'd kill for an invite."

"Can you do my hair every morning? This is way better than trying to follow some video online."

"Sure thing, Evans. I've got you." He pauses for a moment, and Lily wonders if he's having a particularly difficult curl refusing to pin in place. Whenever it's in her hands, it refuses to cooperate. "I think I'd actually like to do hair. You know, after high school. I know that sounds dumb."

"Shut up!" squeals Mary. "You'd be great at that!"

"I don't think that sounds dumb. If it's something you like, you should do it." Lily shrugs. "Have you told anyone?"

"No, not really," he admits. "I think it's sort of been a hard thing to tell myself. It's hard, trying to make plans for after high school."

"Yeah." Lily let the word sit for a few seconds. "Ever since I was little, I always thought I knew what I wanted to do. I had it all planned out. Now that it's so close…"

There are new things that are important to her. Or, more accurately, there are old things that mean more now.

"It's scary," Mary says, her voice quieter than it usually is. Lily can't help but look over at her best friend. "Not knowing what's going to happen next."

"Enough of that," says Sirius. "Tonight is a happy night. Tonight, we're still in high school. And you, Evans, your prom queen hair is complete. Go look."

Lily gets up immediately and goes into the downstairs half-bath to look in the mirror.

From the shoulders down, Lily is who she expects to see. She has a tank top and zipped sweatshirt on, since she knows enough to wear something that won't mess up her hair when she changes.

Mary hasn't had a chance to do her makeup, but Lily already doesn't look like the reflection from this morning. She still has freckles across her nose and cheeks. She still has her same dark red hair. She still has the spot on her chin that probably came from all of her worrying in the past two weeks.

But she isn't quite the same. Her hair is swept up and back, revealing the hint of skin and collarbone between her tank top strap and her half-zipped hoodie. A few curls frame her face. She has to get closer to the mirror to believe that the only difference between this morning and now is a handful of bobby pins and Sirius' talent.

"Oh my God. I look…"

"Beautiful," Mary decides, appearing by her shoulder. "You look amazing, Lils. With this and your dress, people are going to _have _to vote for you."

"You're welcome!" calls Sirius from the next room. "I've got to go get myself ready now. I'll see you girls soon for pictures. I expect one Charlie's Angels pose together!"

"Seriously," Lily calls, only wincing slightly at her poor choice of words, "you're amazing! I'll write you a letter of rec and personally demand that any school lets you in."

"Remember the schedule!"

"Don't worry, Macdonald. I need to survive so I can dance with my boyfriend."

Lily looks in the mirror again and lets her gaze move to Mary's reflection beside her. "Let's do this."

* * *

James is certain he never had much of a mind to lose in the first place, but if he had, prom preparations would have caused it to explode.

There's not a whole lot for the guy to actually _do _when it comes to the actual prom day, save for showering and throwing on his tux right before pictures. And James has never been one to just sit around and relax.

He hadn't been kidding when he told Lily he slightly hurt his ankle. He had so much pent up energy and nerves building up that simply walking to the fridge to get a snack was not something his legs could seem to do. So he leapt from the couch, tucking and rolling until he got to the kitchen, where he took another giant leap. He just hadn't been aware at the time that his mother had freshly mopped the floor.

Euphemia had shouted at him for thirty minutes, while his dad cackled and checked him for a concussion.

Afterwards, he had been forced to sit on the couch for the remainder of the time before pictures, per his mother's instructions.

But now the time has come. He is dressed and ready in his gray tux with matching baby blue tie, and his mother is driving him crazy fretting over his hair.

"Mom! For the last time, _stop!" _he shouts. He dodges his mother's wet comb for the fifteenth time in as many minutes. "It's never going to lay flat!"

"It's just so wild," she chides, frowning. "How did it ever get so wild?"

"It's always been wild," says Fleamont, ruffling James' hair. "He was born looking like a troll doll."

"_Fleamont, stop! _You're making it worse!" His mother smacks his father in the gut. "And he didn't look like a troll doll. He was a very handsome boy."

"Oh, dear god," groans James, placing his head in his hands. The few minutes he has to wait on Lily seem longer than the entire day, and his parents _aren't _making it any easier.

"_Oh, James! _You look so _handsome!"_

His head shoots up at the voice, because while it's not _the _Evans woman he's waiting on, it's one of them. Lily's mother is looking at him, one hand over her mouth and looking like she's nearly in tears. The other hand is snapping several photos of him - likely looking shocked - on her phone.

"Mrs. Evans!" he greets over the repetitive clicking of her camera. These are _not _going to be his best side. "Is Lily almost ready?"

He knows he's probably being rude, not asking the mother of his fake girlfriend how she's doing, but he's so jittery waiting for Lily that he feels like he might explode into a pile of glitter.

Before her mother can answer, however, he spots her. Or the back of her, really, shuffling out of her doorway and picking up her dress so she doesn't step all over it. But then she's out, and he gets the full effect of her and nearly falls over.

She's _gorgeous. _

He expected her to be pretty, but she has really outdone herself tonight. Her dress is a soft blue with off-the-shoulder sleeves that make her skin glow and her freckles pop. Her hair is up in a way he's never seen it before. He's seen her in ponytails, braids, and pigtails.

But _this…_

It makes him feel like there are parts of her neck he hasn't explored enough. Ways that he _could _with her hair like this.

Blue really is her color, he thinks, as she nearly runs to him, smiling so brightly he has to smile right back. He can tell the fullness of the skirt when she's finally before him and drops it.

She _looks _like a prom queen.

"Hey," he says stupidly. There are so many things he could say to her and he says _hey? _Quickly, he adds, "You look beautiful."

"You look amazing," Lily answers, a little breathless. She reaches out to take his hands and hasn't stopped smiling. "I love your hair like this."

In the background, James can hear Mrs. Evans' camera snapping more photos.

"Thanks," he says. He's certain he looks like a smiling fool in the photos, while Lily looks stunning. "Mom's been chasing me around all day trying to comb it, so I can't take all the credit."

"Oh _hush," _his mother admonishes from somewhere beside him. He can't take his eyes off Lily, so he does a poor job of dodging her comb once again. "I can't believe you guys are going to your _senior prom! _And _together!" _

Oh _no, _he groans internally. His mother is on the verge of tears. If he doesn't get her under control, she's going to end up ruining his suit by sobbing into it.

He gives his dad a pleading look that lands.

"Mia," he says, pulling her away by the elbow. "Why don't you go check on the boys? They're taking their sweet time getting out here."

"It's perfect. You're perfect." Lily is a few inches taller than she normally is, but she still has to look up at him. "Mary's almost ready, and Benjy will be here any minute." She takes a small step toward him. When she speaks again, it's quiet and clearly just for him. "Before everything starts… can I kiss you?"

"I think we're past asking, Evans," he says, grinning. He rubs a little spot on her neck that's slightly purple. A spot he knows isn't from her curling iron, because he placed it there, careful that her hair would cover it. Except now it doesn't, and a bit of pride swells inside of him.

She answers by kissing him.

James can't decide what kind of Lily Evans kisses he likes best, but he doesn't need to decide. All of their kisses, even when he has to remind himself that he can't mess up her hair before pictures, are the best kind. Any time she's leaning in and kissing him because she wants to is the perfect kind of kiss. No other person could possibly do it better than they can, together.

There is no wrong way for James Potter and Lily Evans to kiss. Part of him wonders if they can stay like this.

But then he imagines dancing with Lily, holding her close during the slow songs, watching her laugh when he tells a joke, and bouncing on the balls of her feet like she does when she's excited. He wants to have this time - this prom - with her.

"Lily." Someone clears their throat behind them, and they break away from each other. "We need to get some pictures."

"You're right, Petunia." There's something almost dreamy in her expression, and she doesn't snap at her sister. "Pictures."

"Oh wait!" James hears his mother call. When he looks, she's leading a very disheveled Sirius and Remus over to them. "Are we starting pictures? Wait for us!"

Lily looks at the boys, ticking them off with her fingers. "Where's Peter? Why do I feel like I'm asking that a lot?"

"He couldn't make it," says Sirius, adjusting his shirt collar. "Poor guy. I don't think he has a date."

"We can't assume that, Sirius," says Remus. His cheeks are slightly pink. "He's very capable of getting a date."

"Yeah, yeah."

"You couldn't wait till _after prom?" _James whisper-yells as Sirius is pushed next to him for the first pose.

Sirius shrugs, looking too smug to be sorry. "What can I say? Remus just couldn't keep his hands off me."

"Shut up," hisses Remus, attempting to straighten his tie. "I thought you were bad with the cardigans. This suit is a _rental, _Sirius! I have to take it back, and it's missing a button!"

"Mary has extra buttons in her bag," Lily offers, guiding James' hands to her waist. "She made a whole emergency bag, because -"

"Because?" Mary prompts, practically materializing by Lily's side.

"Because you're incredible," Lily finishes, pulling Mary into position beside her. "We'll get some pictures as a group, but I need some with just you too. I need something to hang in my dorm room so everyone can be jealous of my stunning best friend."

Mary strikes a pose and Fenwick joins them, looping his arm over her shoulders. "Hope I'm not too late. My mom wouldn't let me leave without about a dozen pictures, even though I told her your mom would send some tonight."

"Let's take one where everyone jumps in the air!" shouts Fleamont. He's the only one out of the group of parents who hasn't dissolved into tears at this point. James isn't sure how their moms are even aiming their cameras in the right direction.

"God," he whispers to Lily. "This is just prom. Can you imagine graduation?"

"Not yet," she confides, "or _I'm _going to cry."

"Let's get some solo pictures of the couples," Euphemia says. She's already grabbing and pulling Lily and James to stand by their blooming cherry blossom tree. "We need to get to corsage pictures! Oh, this looks so lovely with your dress, Lily!"

"I never realized how much of prom is the actual pictures part," says James. He reaches out to remove a cherry blossom petal that has fallen into Lily's hair. "Hopefully, we can sneak away to get some food soon."

"Oh _shoot," _Euphemia huffs. "My phone gave me the storage notification! James, do that again! That same pose where you were fixing her hair!"

"You did promise me dinner," Lily answers, tilting her head to the side to replicate the position she was in when he brushed the petal out of her hair. "I can't be fainting when they announce my name. But, really, don't worry. Mary has told me about thirty times that she has protein bars in her magic bag." Lily runs her thumb over the edge of his sleeve. "By the way, I have a present for you."

James straightens his back at his mother's command, trying to focus on Lily like there's not a million flashes around them. "What kind of present?"

Lily takes a deep breath like she's steadying herself. She unzips the small bag dangling from her wrist and hides whatever it is in her hand. Her fingers follow the edge of his sleeve and find the cuff. "These." Carefully, she slips the cufflink on and moves to his other wrist. "It's a little cheesy," she explains, "but they're crowns. That way, no matter what happens tonight, you've already got one."

"Lily…" he starts, raising one of his wrists to look at the little golden crown. "You didn't have to -"

"Did you get that, Fleamont?" His mother's shout cuts him off, causing him to jump. "Oh my god, that was adorable! Please tell me you got that on camera!"

"They're perfect," he says, tuning his mother out and focusing on Lily. "I love them."

"I had some money left over from the babysitting night and wanted to get you something. James, this whole semester has been -" Mary bumps her shoulder, reminding both of them that there is a small crowd on the front lawn. Lily takes a small box from her but turns her attention back to him. "This is for you, of course." Lily takes out a boutonniere that matches the light blue of her dress. "So everyone remembers that I have the best date in the whole school."

He hopes her words aren't just for their audience. It doesn't feel like they are. There's nothing to prove with just their parents and friends because it feels like a safe space.

"James, here!" His mother is next to him, thrusting Lily's corsage into his hands. "Make sure you put these on slowly so we can get good pictures!"

James rolls his eyes. He hopes his mother gets that on camera. "I'm so sorry about her," he says. He carefully takes the corsage out of its box, careful not to damage the white lily or the blue baby's breath surrounding it. "I wish I had gotten you something more than this."

He slides it on carefully and slowly, ignoring his mother's dramatic gasp like she hadn't told him to do so. He must get his dramatics from her.

"It's beautiful." Lily turns her wrist to look at the corsage, giving his mother plenty of opportunities to take pictures of her smile. "After everything else you've done, you didn't have to get me anything." She pins his boutonniere to his jacket and lets her corsaged and recently healed wrist rest on his chest.

"Baby's breath is supposed to represent everlasting love," he says. He immediately blushes. "I mean, that's what the florist told me. I thought it was an interesting fact."

"I love it." Lily uses the height advantage her heels give her to kiss his warm cheek. She slips her hand into his. "I have to admit, I just picked the prettiest flower."

"Let's get the other group photos." Petunia puts one hand on her hip and holds up her phone. Of everyone else there, she probably knows the most about getting things done and being on time for prom, James suspects. Or else she just likes being in charge, which is also likely. "You're letting the best light get away."

"Can't upset Miss Prom Princess now, can we?" James whispers in Lily's ear, hearing her giggle in response.

The next session of photos fly by rather quickly. There's one of the boys, dapperly looking up at the sky. One of the girls, smiling prettily. One where Lily and Mary put their heads together, and James can already picture it pinned in a place of honor in Lily's college dorm room. One Charlie's Angels pose, in which Sirius _demands _to be in the middle.

Before James knows it, Lily's mother is helping her stuff the bottom of her dress into the passenger's seat of his car. They're on their way to eat, and his stomach is thanking every god he can think of.

"Thank goodness that's over," he says, trying not to speed away from their parents. His phone buzzes in the cupholder with what he assumes is a text from his mother, so he's probably failed. "I'm starved."

"It's kind of nice. Our moms looked so happy." Lily drops her phone into the cupholder with his. "It made me think about - Does your mom still have the pictures they took when we were kids? They put us in these matching outfits and took us to the park for pictures. Mom has a whole album of them I found in her room the other day."

"Oh, god, yeah," says James, shuddering at the frilly shirt with little blue sailboats his mother thought was adorable. "She has one framed in her room."

"We look better this time." Lily turns as much as she can to lean against the door and look over at him. "I still look like me, right? I know this is definitely not what I normally wear and it's prom, but it's not… too much?"

"You look amazing," he says. "Honestly. You'll be the prettiest girl in the room tonight. There's no way you won't be crowned Prom Queen."

Her hesitation turns into an actual smile again. "I feel like I already won."

They're pulling into the restaurant, and he pulls into a parking space before he looks over at her, grinning. "Me too."

He wants to sit there and enjoy this moment of just the two of them. He almost wishes the car ride had been a bit longer, even if that meant his stomach had to suffer more. The rest of the night is going to be shared. They won't have as much time alone until after prom. Until after they know if they're king and queen. And he isn't sure what will happen after prom with the two of them.

He should say something now, he thinks.

He should tell her that he loves her. That he's loved her since they were five, before he even properly knew what love was.

But he's afraid it will ruin the rest of the night if she doesn't feel the same. It will make things awkward and ruin her perfect evening if she's stuck with a creep who has feelings for her as a prom date.

Maybe he should wait until _after _prom. After she's elected queen, because he knows she will be.

"Hey!" There's a shout from his side of the car, followed by aggressive pounding. When he turns, Sirius is standing there. "What are you two doing? I'm going to die if I don't get some food soon!"

Lily leans across the console as much as she can in her dress to see Sirius. "Says the boy who couldn't wait until prom night to try to take off his date's jacket." Still, she turns to push her car door open and gathers her skirt.

Mary is already miraculously standing on the sidewalk by their parking spaces, her dress showing no signs of being shoved into the confines of Fenwick's car. Benjy takes her hand. James can _almost _forgive him for kissing Lily at the end of eighth grade because of the way he's looking at Mary.

Almost.

"We're five minutes early for our reservation," says Remus, checking his phone. "A miracle."

"God, I hope they can seat us right away," groans Sirius. He grabs Remus' hand, tugging him to the door. "I'm going to order every appetizer on the menu."

"Please don't," grumbles Remus. "I agreed to pay for dinner because you paid for the prom tickets, but I can't afford everything on the menu."

"We can split one, Black," Mary offers. "I need fuel to make you all look like fools on the dance floor."

"I swear, sometimes I think you two are married," James says to the boys before turning to look at Lily. "You're not going to judge me if I order chicken tenders and fries like a child, are you?"

"'Course not. I would order them myself if I wasn't on a strict no ketchup or sauce rule." Lily gestures to her dress before grabbing his hand with both of hers. "Can I steal some of your fries?"

"Of course," he says. "Does your sauce rule include chocolate sauce? Because I was thinking about splitting a dessert too."

Lily gives an exaggerated sigh. "It's like you're _trying _to tempt me into spilling something on my dress." She glances over at Mary and follows the rest of their friends into the restaurant. "Mary would probably kill me a little less if we waited until after prom. Maybe we can get ice cream after I have a chance to change back into yoga pants?"

The words _after prom _give him hope that she's not ready for this to end either. That there's still a James and Lily after all of this is over.

"Sure thing, Evans," he says, swinging their arms with their intertwined hands. "It's a date."

* * *

It's truly amazing what a few bolts of fabric and the proper lighting can do to a space. The boy beside her and holding her hand doesn't hurt either. The room is full of high schoolers but, for a moment, Lily can pretend that they're all characters in the princess stories she used to make James help her act out in his backyard. This time, the story is complete with a dress that she still doesn't completely believe is hers and a prince by her side.

She ducks her head so Ms. McGonagall can slip the prom court sash on once she checks their tickets. Lily adjusts James' sash so it lays flat on his shoulder.

The music isn't too loud, since people are still coming in, and the lights are bright enough for her to see everyone's faces. There's a long table of snacks and an actual, real life chocolate fountain by one of the walls.

Lily holds onto James' hand tightly and can't imagine letting go.

This is what several months have been leading up to, but that isn't all. It's more than she could ever have imagined. Now, there isn't just a crown at the end of this. Maybe, if she has enough courage and James happens to feel the same, there's _them _at the end of this.

"I can't believe it's really happening," Lily admits quietly.

"I know," he says, much louder than her. He's practically radiating excitement. "They have a chocolate fountain, Evans! We're about to break your no sauce rule. Macdonald can take it up with me if she has any problems. There's _no way _you can restrain yourself from a chocolate fountain. It's not human."

His excitement, like always, is contagious. It's nearly impossible not to smile when James is grinning ear to ear. "You know, I don't even think a chocolate fountain counts as sauce. They don't call it a chocolate _sauce_ fountain. But before we do that..."

Lily pulls him toward a decorated table. In the middle is the box that will determine whether she ends the night with a crown and new sash. There are slips of paper with two rows of names listed and pencils to circle the student's choice.

"We have to vote."

"It seems so… _simple," _says James, blinking down at the paper in his hands. "For something so important, you'd think it would be a bit more complicated. I should at least be able to pull a lever or something."

The fact that James thinks this is _important_ says so much. It's been a goal of hers for several months, so sometimes it's hard to take a step back and remember that it's just prom court. In five years, when they're graduating college, maybe this won't even register as something they should have cared about. Maybe they'll barely remember it.

"I don't think they even do that in official elections anymore." Lily hands him a pencil and pretends to hide her ballot behind her hand. "Vote what's in your heart. If I lose, you'll have to buy me condolence ice cream. Then again, if we win, we'll need a celebration, so..."

"It'll be victory ice cream. You'll win."

She watches him circle her name without hesitation, and then his name, which is directly next to hers. For her, though, it takes a second longer. She blinks down at their two names, side by side. Like they're meant to be together. Somewhere along the way, maybe she started believing this could all have the kind of ending that happens in the movies she's been trying to use as reference.

She circles their names quickly and stuffs the completed ballot into the box.

She's going to tell him, Lily tells herself for the hundredth time. It's about finding the perfect timing. She doesn't want him to dread the rest of the night if he doesn't feel the same, so she can wait. She can wait until they know if their whole adventure met its goal.

Then, maybe, when they get a moment to themselves. When they can talk without worrying about how it might affect their electability. When she can let him know that, no matter what, she's going to find a place in his life, since there's always a place for him in hers.

"I want to dance," Lily decides. She turns to the increasingly busy dance floor. Mary flashes her a thumbs up, which she returns from across the room. She looks back to James and takes a step back, though their hands stay connected. "Will you dance with me, James?"

"Lily Evans," he says, "I thought you'd never ask."

He leads her to the floor, and she can tell within the first few steps into a slow song that James _can _dance. Bless Euphemia. Lily really should write her a thank you card. He leads naturally, in a way that makes her feel at ease, when dancing was never something that made her feel comfortable. Maybe she never had the right partner until now.

Even though she's wearing the biggest dress she's ever put on and has more bobby pins in her hair that she even knows, Lily doesn't feel weighed down. She moves closer to him, her hands finding the perfect place behind his shoulders with his landing on her waist. They fit together without trying. The whole thing should maybe be a little silly, but she doesn't feel like laughing.

James doesn't even wince when she nearly steps on his foot. She makes a face and tries her best to follow his steps. Lily tries to detect any sign from him that he might think of her as more than his next door neighbor and childhood best friend. That he's been telling the truth and doesn't care whether she's old Lily or new Lily, as long as she's Lily.

"You never told me where you decided to go in the fall," she says after they settle into a rhythm.

"I think I'm going to go to TASU actually," he answers. "It's close enough to home but far enough away from mom. They've got a good Sports Medicine program."

"Me too!" The weight of her decision eases somewhat. Maybe it's all coming together for them to work. "They gave me a scholarship with their honors program, so I can live on campus. Maybe we'll even be in the same first year classes, if you're doing sports medicine."

"That's awesome, Evans! Look at me, dating a smartie pants."

"You're pretty smart yourself, James. Getting into that program _while _doing athletics? It's pretty amazing."

"Do you really think so?" It's dark, but she can make out the pink spreading across his cheeks. It's amazing, she thinks, how he can be so confident about certain things and completely flustered by others. "It would be nice to have some classes together. We could continue our study dates into college."

She laughs and dares herself to move a little closer. "We could be lab partners. As long as we get actual studying done too."

"It'll be nice to go to a school who won't know about my talent for blowing up science labs."

"Maybe that's extra credit in college."

At some point, his steps turned into more swaying than dancing. The rest of the crowd of students is doing the same. For the first time in a few minutes, she's aware that there are other people around them. They aren't alone on the dance floor with his arms at her waist.

"I'm really glad, James." Lily lifts her hand to push some hair off his forehead. "I'm not ready to say goodbye to you."

"What if we don't -"

Whatever James was going to suggest, Lily will never know. For the first few notes of something achingly familiar begin to play, and they both look at each other.

"Is that…" James trails off as the lyrics start and they burst out laughing.

_You're on the phone with your girlfriend, she's upset…_

Lily lets herself stop thinking. She stops worrying about what will come next and tries to get caught up in now. She spins under his arm, laughing because her skirt is perfect for this and James is holding her hand. She yells the lyrics and others around them do the same. For a moment, they're all focused on the same thing. Even if they didn't join, she would be yelling every word along with him like when they're driving to school.

If Taylor Swift is playing and she's dancing with James Potter, nothing can be that bad.

_"Been here all along, so why can't you see? You belong with me!"_

"Remember singing this in my car together on the first official day of being us?" he shouts overtop of the music.

"Remember me converting you from a 'sporadic Swiftie' to this?" She dances closer to him, even though she doesn't actually need to be any closer to hear him. Everything about her is attuned to everything about him. "Or maybe I unveiled the hidden part. Do you remember kissing on your swingset?""

"I think about it every single day." The way he smiles so wide at her makes her think he's not joking. That maybe he thinks about their kisses as much as she does. As often as she does. Like how she's waiting for the next one. "Remember our first date? And _that _kiss? The one that pissed Petunia off?"

"And the one in my kitchen," Lily adds. "When we got flour everywhere." She puts her arms at his shoulders again, pulling him in like when they were slow dancing. "That one really annoyed her."

She should tell him.

If he's talking about kissing, it's not that far-fetched to think that he might want to do it again. It's not that unreasonable to think that he might want this to continue.

Not just to win prom crowns.

Not just because it's something for two bored teenagers to do for fun.

Not just because they decided they were the kind of couple who kissed.

Maybe they should be an actual _couple_.

"Evans! Hey, Evans! Check out my dance move!"

Lily turns toward the interrupting voice, not surprised to find Sirius Black as the owner. He's doing some variation of the lawnmower, while Remus is looking on, mortified. Mary is egging him on by cheering loudly while Benjy holds onto her by the waist.

She ought to be more annoyed with his timing and general lack of tact, but she finds herself laughing instead.

It's prom. They're there to achieve their goal and have fun. She can push the heavy conversation about feelings to a time that feels more like them. For now, they need to be able to make memories that will let them remember this night.

"C'mere, Potter," she says, pulling James toward their friends. "It's our senior prom!"

"Your lawnmower is shit, Black!" says James once they're close enough. "Looks like it's having trouble starting!"

"If only I had a big, strong man to help me fix it," says Sirius in his best southern belle voice. He throws an imaginary fishing line at Remus which doesn't land.

"I swear to God, I will leave this prom right now," groans Remus.

James laughs, the sound of it vibrating through Lily from her place tucked underneath his arm. "Stubborn fish you got there. Need help reeling him in?"

"I'll get him," says Sirius, throwing the line again. "Don't worry."

This time, Remus groans but hops his way into the dance floor with them. "This is humiliating."

"Not if you have fun with it," Lily counters, grabbing Remus' hand to spin under it. She moves back to James, putting her hand over his on her waist. "This is the event of our lives where we're _supposed _to dance like no one's watching. We can be formal at graduation when we give our valedictorian and salutatorian speeches."

"Dance with your boyfriend, Lupin." Mary puts herself in the middle of their small crowd, lifting her arms over her head to dance with the music. "Make a homophobe cry."

"Oh, I like you," says Sirius. He stops dancing momentarily to give Mary an appreciative look. "Why have we not been friends this whole time?"

"Because," says Mary, spinning herself around, "the school couldn't handle our friendship. We would've run the whole student body. Can you imagine? I can, and it's glorious."

"And mildly terrifying," Lily says. She spins again, letting her skirt flare and unable to stop smiling. Her best friend is by her side, James is with her, and Sirius wants to be friends with her friend. "Now we can all team up. First prom, then the world!"

There's a chorus of cheers around her as James tightens his hold around her waist. "I'm glad we did this," he says directly in her ear so only she can hear. "No matter what happens tonight… I'm glad we did this together."

"Me too."

She's bursting to say more. She wants, somehow, for him to understand everything in the way her heart beats faster when he's near her. How he makes her feel seen. How she feels like she can do anything because he believes in her.

Instead, she puts a hand in his hair and pulls him down to kiss her.

She hears Sirius cheer behind her. Someone is clapping, probably Mary, but she doesn't focus on them just now. At this moment, they can be _Lily and James_.

"And now for your prom court, and the crowning of your king and queen!"

The announcement is like a bucket of ice water being dumped on the two of them. They jump apart, looking at each other wide eyed.

This is it. The entire reason they started this whole thing is about to happen. In the next five minutes, Lily will either walk away with a crown or nothing at all.

But she looks at James and realizes that isn't true. None of it matters anymore when she's looking at him. Crown or not, she's got the best prize in the world holding her hand.

"Are you ready for this?" he asks her, squeezing her hand slightly.

"No," she says, though she starts to smile. "But let's do it anyway."

With a little encouragement push from Mary, Lily starts to walk up to the front of the dance floor. They've focused some of the lights there, so she feels the heat of a spotlight. It sounds like the crowd goes quiet, but she's guessing that half of them aren't even paying attention. She pretended not to when Petunia was crowned as the Prom Princess last year.

With a last look at James, she reluctantly lets go of his hand. They ran together, but their votes are separate. Lily holds her chin high when she walks past Hannah to join the other girls in her spot at the end of the line.

Rather than focusing on the crowd, since she's never really loved having all eyes on her, Lily picks out Mary in the crowd. She's leaning back against Benjy, who has his arms around her waist and his chin resting on her shoulder. Mary gives her an over-large smile and taps her cheek to remind Lily to do the same. When Lily manages what she hopes is a convincing smile, Mary puts her hands together in a heart shape and blows a kiss.

Ms. McGonagall looks at both lines of students, doing a quick count to make sure they're all there. She unfolds the paper in her hand and waves for two students to bring over the crown and tiara. "For our senior class," McGonagall starts, adjusting her glasses, "I am proud to present our prom court." She gestures to either side of her.

Lily lifts her hand in a small wave. She can't bring herself to look at the other girls to see if they do the same.

"Now, for the announcement of our prom king and queen."

Lily keeps her eyes on Mary. The seconds are probably ticking by at their regular pace, but they drag in her brain. Each moment in McGonagall's pause feels like an extra pound of weight on her shoulders.

It doesn't matter, she tells herself. No matter what, she has James.

McGonagall clears her throat. "This year, your Prom King is… James Potter!"

Clapping with the rest of them, Lily chances a glance toward James' side of the floor.

He's almost bashful, smiling and waving to the crowd as he walks his way over to McGonagall to receive his prom king sash and crown. He hugs McGonagall for a long moment while she whispers something to him before going to stand and wait for his queen.

The crown sits almost awkwardly on top of his unruly hair, but Lily thinks it fits perfectly. No matter what happens, no matter who ends up as the queen, he deserves this.

Because he's James.

"Joining our Prom King, your Prom Queen…" McGonagall folds the paper back and reads, "Lily Evans!"

Her feet are carrying her to McGonagall before she's completely processed it. She's pictured this moment a few times, sure, but that isn't the same as actually being in it. She thanks everything that she didn't let Mary talk her into heels that were any higher. She can't spare a glance for any of the other members of court. Getting to McGonagall and then getting to _James _are the most important things.

When she makes it, Lily lowers her head for McGonagall to put on her sash and place the tiara on her head. Sirius, she realizes, must have kept the crown in mind when he did her hair, because it doesn't disrupt the style at all. She hugs McGonagall as well, nodding and holding on for an extra second when her teacher whispers, "Congratulations, Miss Evans," in her ear. Once Lily's standing tall again, she turns and only has eyes for James.

Lily crosses to him quickly where he's waiting for her with an outstretched hand and a grin so bright it puts her crown to shame. She takes his hand, and he _has _to feel the way their hands fit perfectly together. Her pulse is thudding so loudly that he can probably even hear it.

"Told you," he says. "No competition at all."

The crowd shuffles, but she keeps her eyes on James.

"The King and Queen will have their dance," McGonagall continues. "Joined by Prom Princess Hannah Holiday and Prom Prince…"

Lily doesn't know if it feels like she thought it would, because she didn't really think about _how _it would feel. Until the moment they announced her name, it almost felt like it would never happen. They talked about the crowning so often that it was always like a wedding day or other anticipated event. It was something in the future that wasn't happening now.

But now it is.

"Congratulations, Prom King," Lily whispers, putting her arm over James' shoulder and moving easily into his hold. "We did it."


	16. All Too Well

**Chapter Sixteen: All Too Well**

"_Maybe we got lost in translation. Maybe I asked for too much. But maybe this thing was a masterpiece until you tore it all up."_

As many times as she thought about winning, Lily didn't really let herself think about what it would actually feel like. It was a goal she set, like anything else she set out to do, and the work was on her mind more than the endpoint. When she put on her dress, looked in the mirror, and imagined a tiara in her hair, she couldn't actually put herself there.

For the past few months, she focused on the campaign - and James - more than the crown.

If she was honest, the campaign came second to James for the past few weeks. Since they had resolved the Valentine's Day confusion and agreed that they both liked kissing each other...

Lily shook her head but the crown stayed in place. She was here. This was the moment they worked for, and they achieved their goal. It was like the day she opened her admissions packet and saw the extra page that detailed her scholarships.

This was what she wanted. Why didn't it feel complete?

Lily looks up at James, since he's always been annoyingly taller than her. When they were kids, he would brag about the extra inch he had on her height. Now, she remembers what it's like to move onto her toes and pull him down to her level.

His expression is soft, but something about it sets her on edge. It, like everything they agreed to at the beginning of the semester, is partially an act. They may have added some more private activities, but this is in front of the school. The look on his face isn't only for her.

With a sinking feeling in her stomach, Lily reminds herself that all of this has been imaginary.

She vowed to herself that she would tell him. She would give him a chance to let her know if he shared her realizations. They would have a chance to breathe and maybe get some time alone to talk. She told herself and even promised Mary, but now that the moment is here…

The crown has a strange weight she can't quite place. It's not heavy, exactly. After all the fights with Petunia and pain-stakingly drawn posters, it's just plastic. A voice in the back of her mind wonders if it will mean anything to her in five years, when they possibly come back for a reunion to size up what everyone has done since graduation.

It's there, and she's constantly aware of it.

She wants to know what James thinks of it.

James' crown does not appear to be made for an unruly haired teen, so it keeps slipping. Lily watches as he adjusts it for the fifth time, still keeping a rhythmic sway going to the music as he does so.

"That crown suits you," he tells her, keeping a hand on his own as he looks down at her. "You look amazing."

"You do too."

His grip on her hand tightens. Lily takes a chance and moves closer to him, just enough that he might notice. There's music swelling behind them. It's almost like magic.

"Are you happy?"

"Of course," Lily answers, still smiling up at him. "It's like… a fairy tale. Or, probably, more like a teen movie mixed with a Taylor Swift music video. Are you happy?"

He does a half shrug, lifting her hand in his as he does. "This was more for you. Not as much for me."

"Oh." Her smile wavers a bit, but she tries to keep it in place. They won. Her mind shouldn't be making everything a worst case scenario with one statement. She thought he had been enjoying the game as much as she had. That he liked being this close. "Did you have a good time?" she asks after a beat.

"Of course! I only meant that this was more your idea and something you wanted to prove to Petunia. And you finally did it. I bet you're ecstatic that it's over. You'll have to send me a picture of her face when she finds out."

_I bet you're ecstatic that it's over._

The words ring in her ears. It's not what she wanted him to say at all.

But what had she expected, really? That he would want this to go on forever?

Lily blinks. "Right. I mean, yeah. This is what I wanted."

Part of it, anyway. The part they agreed on and wrote in a notebook. The part they talked about and set as their objective. They didn't talk about more than that.

She looks down from his face and to their linked hands. "So, it's… over then."

Prom is over.

She won.

The crown on the top of her head is evidence enough if that.

Why does she feel like she's losing something?

"Is this not what you wanted? For someone who just won prom queen, you look almost… sad."

When she imagined telling him what she figured out that she wanted, she didn't imagine it like this. Over the past few weeks, she was starting to believe Mary when she said that he had to love her too. It was supposed to be like the dazzling scenes in movies where the rest of the world waits for the confession. They have the setting and lighting and his hand in hers.

And yet, it's all wrong.

"I'm not - I guess I thought…"

_I thought you might have wanted something after this too._

"Is this what you wanted?" she asks after struggling for her words.

"It was never about what I wanted." His crown slips again and he adjusts it before he speaks. "I did this for you. Because I wanted to help you."

Although they've been dancing this whole time, the ground starts to spin underneath her.

Maybe it was like that in the beginning, but recently? She thought they had been talking about things before they did them. They talked about spending more time together, talked about kissing, talked about…

She pushed him to get on the ice, sure, but wasn't that like the old Lily? The one he knew before everything happened? Wasn't that something his former best friend would do to show she cared?

She held his hands the whole time. They laughed at old memories and ended up kissing - really kissing - in his father's office. She planned it so they would have a day that was just _them_. A day to show him that maybe they could be them again, even when this is over, with an added twist.

Was all of that her just getting what she wanted in another way? Is he ready to be rid of her?

"Well, you helped me. We won. That's what we said we would do." She's still holding his hand, but it's not so warm in hers anymore. "In the past few weeks, we were talking more than before. I thought you wanted this too."

"Wait… are you mad at me?" He stops swaying them, dropping their hold so they're standing there. There's a muttering from the crowd around them, but it's not louder than the buzzing in her head. "It's not that I didn't want to do this. I just… I wasn't in it for the crown."

Her hands and waist are cool where he's no longer touching her. In contrast, a hot feeling behind her eyes comes quickly. She presses her nails into the palm of her hand to push it down.

"So you're saying I _made _you do this? That I tricked you or something?" Lily wants to keep her tone even, but she hears it rise in pitch. Every vision of getting the answer she wanted from him is crumbling along with their polished image. "I thought we were on the same page. I thought we might want the same things."

"I'm not saying that at all!"

"Then what _are _you saying?"

"I… ugh." He growls as his crown slips again, covering his eyes. He rips it off his head, shaking it at her. "I wasn't in this for… for _this!_ I didn't want the crown! I never wanted the crown! I wanted _you_!"

The ground stops abruptly, making her wonder how she doesn't trip over her skirt.

"What?"

"I don't want this fucking crown," he says again, throwing the crown to the side. She watches as it rolls, landing out of the spotlight that's currently on them. "I did this whole thing for you. Because I wanted _you. _I love you, Lily. I've been in love with you since forever, and I wanted you to love me back!"

When she pictured this possible scene in her head, it wasn't like this.

She wasn't staring at a crown on the ground. She wasn't alone under a spotlight, even though James is only a few feet away. She didn't have the eyes of the entire senior class on her.

For a moment, she isn't in the middle of the dance floor at her senior prom. She doesn't have a tiara on her head. She isn't standing in the dress that made her feel beautiful, like she could actually be a queen.

For a moment, nothing has happened and she's back in his basement. Everyone else has left, and it's her moment to say what's been in her head for the past hour - for the past few years. To say what has been true since before she even knew what those feelings might mean.

James is in front of her. Her heart is bursting to say something. Her breathing is heavy in her ears. All of that is the same, and it makes the walls cave in around her.

For a moment, she's fourteen and her entire world hasn't collapsed around her yet.

But she knows now, at eighteen, that it's coming.

"I can't do this right now."

"Well, when can you do it, Lily? In another _four years? _Because I'm done holding this all in. I can't do that again, Lily."

"James, this isn't -"

_This isn't how it's supposed to be._

Somewhere, somehow, everything went wrong. She doesn't know how to get them back to where they were. She doesn't know how they got to a point where James is angry with her and she can't manage to say something that's been a sentence away in every conversation.

Lily wants to go back to minutes before either of them won a crown. Then, she could say what she meant. Her thoughts weren't a tangle that she can't begin to unravel. Her nails weren't digging painful marks into her palm.

She wants to fast forward to the part where everything is okay. Where she's managed to say the right thing and everything is the way it's supposed to be.

She wants to be in nearly any moment but this and the one that makes it hard to breathe.

The last time she tried to tell him, things fell apart too.

The last time she tried to tell him...

"Lily." She hears someone speak softly beside her, but she doesn't recognize the voice right away. She turns her head to see Benjy, concern clear in his expression, with Mary standing behind him. "Do you want to go home? I can give you a ride."

"Stay out of this, Fenwick," snaps James.

"I think it would be a good idea for you guys to cool off for a bit," says Benjy, keeping his voice calm. "Maybe have this conversation later and somewhere less… public."

"No. You know what?" presses James, fury radiating off of him. "You're always butting in and sticking your nose where it doesn't belong. I'm sick of it. This is between Lily and me."

"Whoa," Benjy says, holding his hands up. "Where is this even coming from?"

"Don't act like you don't know -"

"Stop!" Mary shouts. "This isn't helping anything!"

The whole world feels like it's crumbling, and Lily can only panic as she watches.

She needs air.

Maybe, if she can catch her breath, she can actually have this conversation. Maybe if everyone would stop shouting and taking her air, she could actually think.

Only a short time ago, she thought this might be the best night of her life. Now, the sash that signaled victory is a restriction, twisting her in a net like a trapped animal.

"Can we - can we talk about this somewhere else?" Lily knows she's talking, but it's almost like a nightmare where she's watching what happens without any control over it. "Can we…"

"Lily, I think you're too upset to talk about this right now." Mary appears beside her, pulling her by the arm until she's walking. "There's too many people watching here, anyway. Let's try to get outside."

She's moving before she can even nod, Mary taking charge and weaving through the crowd.

It seems to take forever to find the door through the sea of people, all of them seemingly flashing their phones in her direction. The little lights are almost blinding, strung together as they are, and she sticks her hand out to shield her eyes.

"Shit, shit, shit," she hears Mary hiss. "They're recording this. Of fucking course they're recording this. What else would they be doing?"

She's vaguely aware that James is following her, as well as a few other people, but all she can focus on is getting away. Even if she has to run.

"I really think we should talk about this now," she can hear James say, but he sounds far away.

When did he become so distant?

The air outside - cooler than the warm room full of dancing bodies - hits her. She nearly doubles over, putting a hand over her rapidly beating heart. She closes her eyes and tries to remember what it normally feels like to be in her body. She can start to breathe again, so Lily fills her lungs a few times.

In the midst of it all, she's holding onto something. A quick glance to her side shows that it's Mary's arm, so she lets go, flexing her fingers.

"I'm sorry," Lily mumbles, words tripping over each other. "I didn't mean to - I don't know why…"

"It's fine. Everything is fine," says Mary, rubbing her back in soothing circles. "Do you need to throw up? If you do, your hair is perfect for it."

She laughs unwillingly, putting her hands on her knees and letting Mary comfort her. "I don't want to do that on prom night. I didn't even drink anything."

"Well, we both know you're sometimes a panic puker," says Mary. "If the need arises…"

Feet appear in Lily's vision since she's still got her eyes downcast. A second later, James is bending down to where she is, trying to take her hand in his, but she can't seem to grasp it back.

"Lily," he says, "please talk to me. Please tell me what's going through your head right now."

His attempts to take her hand squeeze her heart painfully.

James has always been like this, even when they were apart. Always making the first move to reach out for her, always trying to hold on. He smiled at her on Christmas Eve and baked her cookies. He wrote notes on his window and exchanged signs back and forth. He readily agreed to her ridiculous plan without any real hesitation. He told her he wanted _her, _not the crown.

She needs to be part of his life.

She can't do anything that would put that at risk. She can't lose him too.

"Please don't hate me." Lily finally grasps his fingers.

"What are you talking about?" His thumb runs its course across her knuckles, but it's not as soothing this time. It almost feels as though it burns. "I could never hate you."

They've lost contact before this. They've been strangers who know just enough about each other for it to hurt. She doesn't want that to happen again.

Perhaps her possible confession and wishes are flying too close to the sun. Being with him, being his friend, having him as a constant contact in her phone - all of that is worth more than anything else. Those are the most important things.

When she tried to tell him she might want something else, the world came crashing down. She wants to be close, but if they're _too_ close, he can always disappear. If she holds on too tightly, he can slip through her fingers.

_Don't leave_, she thinks. _Don't become a stranger. I don't want to lose you. I hope this never ends. I want you more than the crown._

Most dangerously, _I love you._

"I can't lose you," Lily says, the words hurting. "I can't…"

"I don't understand," presses James. "Why would you lose me? Lily, you're not making sense…"

Lily shakes her head and squeezes her eyes closed.

Her mind is flooded with images of her mother's blank face, white sheets on hospital beds, and carefully curated expressions on doctor's faces. She sees, like it was only yesterday, her father's broken radio, still on the counter where he was working on it when she left to go to James' party with little more than a hasty goodbye thrown over her shoulder.

Mary's hand is still rubbing a slow, comforting circle on her back. "You've done so much for me. You didn't have to do _any _of this and you -" Lily opens her eyes and forces herself to look up at him. "I won't mess this up again. I can't _let_ myself mess this up again."

"Lily -"

"You're one of my best friends, James. If something - if we…" She shakes her head again. One of the bobby pins comes loose and a lock of hair falls down, brushing her cheek and giving her some sense of reality. She isn't actually a princess. This isn't actually a fairy tale. "I can't do anything to ruin that. I can't get carried away with - with…"

She can't get carried away with dreams of them and what they could be. She can't do something that is more likely to drive them apart if it all goes up in flames. She can't stand to divide everything they own in half and never see him again.

Lily promised Mary that she would tell him what she felt if he showed a sign that he loved her back, but doesn't she see why she can't? Doesn't she see that getting close like that only makes it easier for their hearts to break?

"With what, Lily?" asks James. He doesn't understand, and how could he? She's just starting to make sense of it herself. "Get carried away with what?"

"Let's go home," Mary says. Her voice isn't loud, but she commands Lily's attention anyway. Her hand moves down to Lily's arm. "It's been an emotional night. We'll all feel better when we've had some sleep. This conversation needs to happen after you've had some time to think about it, Lily."

"But wait -" James starts to say, but he's cut off by the side door opening and slamming shut.

"What in the world happened back there?" Sirius appears with Remus behind him. He looks between Lily still doubled over and James next to her. "What in the world is going on out _here_? I was running crowd control, and now I feel like I've suddenly missed everything."

"Lily is in the middle of a panic attack," explains Mary. "We're going home until it cools off."

"But what happened in there?" asks Sirius again. "One minute, these two are dancing. The next, James is shouting some nonsense I don't understand about wanting Lily instead of the crown, and Lily is -"

"Lily is freaking out because it's real," says Remus, looking a bit dazed when the idea hits him. "Lily is freaking out because she loves James for real, and James loves her for real."

Sirius pulls at the knot of his tie to loosen it. "What does that have to do with anything? _Of course _they love each other -"

Sirius is cut off by multiple people shouting, "_You know?" _

When Lily looks up, James is looking between her and Mary. "_Mary _knows?"

"Remus knows too!" shouts Mary, pointing at Remus. She blinks. "Wait. _How _do you know?"

"I overheard your conversation in the dressing room," says Remus, rubbing the back of his neck. "You guys took thirty minutes to come back out. I got concerned."

"Am I the only person who doesn't know whatever the fuck there is to know?" shouts Sirius. His whole tie is off now, and he tosses it to the ground. "What the hell is going on?"

The world is getting even narrower. Her ears fill with the sound of the rapidly increasing rate of her breathing. Mary's hand tightens on her arm when Lily feels herself start to sway.

"I really think I should take Lily home," Mary says. Her voice is the only steady thing in Lily's shaking world. "She's not feeling well."

"Can't you just tell me what's going on?" yells Sirius. "I threatened to smash the entire senior class' cellphones _on camera, _so I would like to know exactly why -"

"We were never really dating, okay!" shouts James, standing and throwing his hands up over his head. "It was all fake! The whole relationship! Or, at least, when we planned it, it was supposed to be, but things got complicated!"

Sirius looks like he's at a complete loss for words for perhaps the first time in his life.

The silence is brief, however.

A slow clap starts followed by a voice saying, "Bravo!"

Lily's stomach drops.

_Hannah. _

Of course it's Hannah.

"There it is!" Hannah says, barely containing the deranged glee in her voice. "The scam of the century. The ultimate senior prank. Lily Evans convinces James Potter to fake date her, all so she can become prom queen."

Lily stands to see Hannah leaning back against the side of the building. Her head is tilted to the side, a proud smirk on her face. Her prom court sash is covered by another that matches the one hanging in Petunia's bedroom.

"Well, you did it, didn't you, Lily? You stole my crown from me." She grins like a cat who caught her prey. "Tell me, was it worth it?"

Hannah's dress and hair are beautiful, of course, but Lily can't see past the spots of anger in her vision. It's like she could spit fire. "You don't know anything about me, Hannah." The static in her head starts to turn into a mad buzz. "You don't know anything about me or James or _anything_."

Mary tugs on her arm, but Lily tries to shake her off. The panic tells her that her world is falling apart and, for once, she has someone to blame other than herself.

"You're peaking in high school, and you know it. You're just mad that, even then, even with everything you have, someone could come in and have something you thought was yours. You think I'm _weird _and _sad_ and not cool enough to be seen with you, but I -"

"_Lily!_" Mary tugs on her arm more forcefully and succeeds in moving her a few steps. "Let's go home. Benjy's waiting in the car."

"I am so much more than this crown!" Lily cries, Mary still tugging her. "But you'll never be more than just a high school bully!"

Lily is vaguely aware of being shoved into Benjy's car, her fury still focused on Hannah who is staring back at her, fuming.

"Wait!" James calls after her. "We need to talk about this!"

His voice makes her fall back into reality. Lily buries her face in her hands and pulls up her knees to hide in her skirt. Thankfully, Mary doesn't question her from the front seat. The car starts, and they move through the streets in near silence. At some point, she thinks she hears Mary nudge Benjy with her elbow to cut off something he tries to whisper.

They stop outside her house, and Mary gets out of the car to open her door before she can sit up. "How about PJs and ice cream? We can talk about it."

Lily gets out of the car without nodding or saying anything. James' house sits next to hers, taunting her. His bedroom window is dark. She chews on her bottom lip to fight against the now familiar prickle at her eyes.

The crown is still on her head. She did what they were supposed to do. She proved Petunia and everyone else wrong.

But it doesn't feel like she won.

Her heart is a heavier burden than the tiara. She reaches up to untangle it from her hair, but Mary catches her wrist before she can do anything dramatic. "Let's go inside," she advises, pulling Lily to the front door. "Maybe you'll feel better in the morning."

Lily goes along with her, though she can't imagine feeling better. Falling in love is hard, but knowing that she shouldn't act on it is even harder. She catches a glimpse of her dress in the mirror in the hall and stops short.

In a few minutes, she's going to take off this dress and never wear it again. All the magic from the moment James saw her will disappear. She won't be old Lily or prom Lily or James' girlfriend Lily. She'll just be Lily.

They won't be them any more. That hurts, even though she knows it wasn't quite _real _this whole time. She won't be able to grab James' hand and kiss him because it's what she wants to do.

Lily stares at herself in the mirror and swipes a hand across her cheek, smudging her mascara.

It's over.

* * *

The first few rays of morning sunlight start to peek their way into James' room, which means that he has made it through the night. That in itself should feel like an accomplishment. His wandering mind hasn't eaten him alive. Not like he feared it would.

Regardless, it's hard for him to feel anything at the moment other than numbness. He hadn't been able to sleep, anger taking hold over him when it first happened.

One moment, he had been dancing with Lily. _Prom queen Lily. _They had won. She had proven whatever it was that she wanted to prove to Petunia. He had helped her to do it.

The next, he was practically shouting at her that he loves her. That he had loved her for quite some time.

In all his dramatic daydreams, he never pictured his confession involving him chucking a crown aside and yelling his love for her.

Then she had just… _left. _

She had gotten into the car with Benjy Fenwick and left him standing there like a complete idiot. He had been left alone to deal with the crowd of people filling out of the school gym to see what happened to their prom king and queen. She had left him there without really talking to him. Leaving him wondering where they stood.

Can you break up with someone if you were never in a real relationship to begin with?

The fake in front of his boyfriend title doesn't make this hurt any less. His heart doesn't feel like any of this was fake. It feels like a very clear break has cut across it, shattering it.

Fake or not, they were _something_. They were something big, something important. And he wonders if they've settled into being _nothing_ now.

He knows that's impossible too. They could never be nothing to one another. There is too much history between them. They grew up together. So many of James' firsts were also Lily's.

What happens to two people that used to be something to each other, he wonders. What happens when that something ends? How do they go on?

He's likely being dramatic, he knows. He isn't even sure if they're fake broken up or not. He's tried to text her several times, but he hasn't had any luck.

"_Mary probably has her phone while she clears her head," _Remus had told him last night after James kicked over a chair in frustration. "_Text her in the morning one more time. See how she is then. She's just had a shock is all."_

Sirius and Remus are sprawled out on the floor of his bedroom, still asleep. They didn't want to leave him, and he is thankful that they didn't. He would have gone mad, alone with his own thoughts.

Sirius, for the most part, surprised James by not overreacting. Though, James supposed, Sirius would have every right to yell at him and release a string of _I told you so's_. But he hadn't.

Instead, he remained calm, devising a plan for them to stay with him so he wouldn't be alone. The two of them stayed up with him for as long as they could.

James knew, likely in the house right next to him, Mary did the same for Lily.

The sun is fully risen now, and James' eyes sting from lack of sleep. Morning has brought no new clarity for him, only more questions that one person can answer. He will have to get up soon to face the day, and he isn't sure exactly what this day will look like.

All the unknowns feel like they are devouring him.

His phone buzzes, and he nearly jumps out of bed to grab it. His heart stops and then starts again when he reads Lily's name on his screen.

She's finally text him back, and it's a mixture of relief and sickness.

_Lily: Are you awake?_

_**James: Yes. **_

_Lily: Meet me at the swingset in 10?_

_**James: See you there **_

She's awake and she wants to see him, which can only mean two things. She's going to break it off with him completely, or she's had time to think over his confession and wants him in the same way. A way that's not fake.

Remus said she loves him. That's why she got as scared as she did. And he's never doubted Remus before.

But he doesn't understand why loving him could make her run from him. Sirius and Remus didn't seem to have an answer for that either.

The only person who would is waiting for him.

Quietly as he possibly can, he slips on a pair of sweats and t-shirt, a far cry from his suit from last night, and shuffles his feet into his crocs. He steps over Sirius and Remus, who are laying forehead to forehead, and walks down the stairs and out the front door.

The morning is chilly for May when he steps outside. Dew seeps through his shoes and wets his socks so they're uncomfortable, but he doesn't allow himself to turn back.

When he gets to the swing set, Lily is already there. She's sitting on the swing that has been hers since the set was installed years ago.

Holding his letterman jacket.

"Hey," he says. She looks up at him and he can tell she's been crying. Her eyes are puffy and red. "Whatchu got there?"

"Hey." Lily clears her throat and tries again. "I'm sorry about last night. My head was all over the place, and I…" She looks down, as if she's remembering that she brought something with her. "I thought you might want this back." She holds out the jacket.

James looks at it. "Are you… are you sure you _want _to give it back?"

"No." She says it so quietly that he wonders for a second if he imagined it. He isn't used to a Lily like this - quiet with red eyes. In the past few months, he saw her in several moods but never quite like this. "But it's yours. Please take it."

He takes it because he isn't sure what else to do. It feels foreign to him now. As if it's not really his anymore. He looks down at it for a long moment before slowly taking the swing next to Lily. The chains groan as he pushes himself back and forth slightly.

"We started everything here. At these swings," he says, still looking down at the jacket. "Lily, what happened last night? I just… I don't _understand."_

When he pushes his swing back, it's like he gave her permission to do the same. She pushes off with her toe and swings, feet not leaving the ground. "I panicked. It hasn't been that bad in a long time, but…" She drags her foot underneath the swing. "Before I knew what was happening, everything felt so small. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think."

"Has that happened before? Panic attacks?" James asks. He doesn't remember Lily having panic attacks as a child. He has never seen her like she was last night.

She wraps her fingers around the chains. "Yes," Lily admits, though she's looking straight ahead when she does. "A few times before, after…" she trails off with a sigh before trying again. "Maybe it's how everything is changing and things are coming to an end or… I don't know."

Panic starts to bubble up at her words. This is not the start of a hopeful conversation. Not the sort of one where he walks away happy.

"What do you mean? What's coming to an end, exactly?"

_Please don't say us. Please. Not when we didn't properly start. _

"Senior year. High school. Living here. It's all ending. I think I really realized that last night. Things aren't going to be like they were."

"Things change all the time. Sometimes for the better."

She glances over at him. "I wanted you to know I'm sorry. I wanted you - wanted us - to have a good night, but I'm sure I…"

He pushes his swing slightly in her direction, the chains crossing. "We did have a good night. If anything, I'm the one who messed it up. I mean, practically shouting at a girl that you love her…"

He attempts to make a joke out of it, and it feels immediately wrong. The way he feels about her isn't in jest. It isn't something to poke fun at. He doesn't want her to think that it is.

She tries for a weak smile, but it doesn't make it all the way there. "You were the best prom date, James. There's no one else like you." Lily's eyes scan over his face for a long few seconds. "The last time I tried to tell you that I…" She swallows, reconsidering. "Everything went really wrong."

"When you tried to tell me what, exactly?" he asks. He wonders if he's pressing her too hard. She's like a million little cracks right now, and he can't seem to find the right one to search without making her crumble. "What went wrong?"

"Do you remember that party at your house before high school? It was a long time ago, but I still remember it."

"Yeah, I remember. What about it?"

"Petunia said a Boy-Girl party was a really big deal, so I put on my favorite shirt and… I went over." Lily twists in the swing so she's angled toward him. "I told myself the whole night that once everyone left, I would tell you my secret. It's all I could think about." Something resembling a smile flickers in her features and disappears.

"I pictured all the ways that I would tell you that I loved you. As much as any fourteen year old can love someone, I guess. I never got the chance, though, because your mom said I had to go home. I didn't think much of it. Actually, I thought I'd just tell you the next day." Lily swallows and her fingers clench. "But that night…"

The memories come to him in a rush, and it's almost like he's fourteen again, watching her walk away. Only this time he knows what she's walking into.

"That night your dad died," he finishes for her.

He remembers his mother waiting until everyone left before she told him. At the time when everyone left, Henry had been in the hospital, undergoing surgery. They weren't sure whether or not he was going to make it, but his mother had sent him to bed hopeful.

The next morning, when she woke him, the hope was gone from her eyes.

He knew without having to ask that Lily's dad had died.

His father had called to tell them, because he had been the one doing the surgery.

"You were going to tell me you loved me," James says, his voice surprisingly even, if not a bit flat. "And then your dad died."

Lily nods, blinking rapidly. It doesn't stop a few tears from forming. "Everything went really wrong," she repeats. "And I don't want that to happen again. I don't want us to… I can't lose you. James, I can't -"

"So don't lose me," he says. "Be with me. For real. I wanted to tell you that night that I loved you too. The whole reason I even threw the party in the first place was to tell you. I meant what I said last night. I've loved you since we were kids. I don't think I'll ever stop loving you. You're...you're _it _for me, Lily."

_This _is what he imagined telling her.

All those times the words had been so hard to say, so hard to get out. When he finally did say them, he shouted them at her.

But this speech is different.

It's softer, and exactly the right words.

He finally did it.

He told her.

And now she's crying.

"I think I love you." A tear falls from the corner of her eye and traces a slow track down her cheek. She keeps her hands on the chains and doesn't move to wipe it away. "But I want things too much. They break, and I can't put them back together. I can't do that with you, James. I can't let us break."

"No, no, no. That's not - When two people love each other, they're supposed to be together." He knows he sounds like a spoiled child who is not getting his way. He knows he's on the verge of begging. "That's why my parents are together. That's why Sirius and Remus are together."

"But what if it doesn't work?"

"It's worked for four months now. Why would it suddenly stop working?"

"There weren't any stakes. You could back out. We could say it wasn't real." Lily's grip on the swing's chains tightens. "What if we turn into different people? What if something awful happens again? What if I break _us_?"

"You're not even giving us a chance, Lily," James says, standing and running a hand through his hair. His abandoned swing jerks around next to her from lack of weight. "I know you're scared. But you can't just give up on us because of that. You can't just break it off before it even has a chance to start!"

"We barely talked for four years, James! We were _everything _to each other, and then we were _nothing_. I messed it up by wanting something - messed it up by wanting to hold on too tightly. I can't do that again. I can't be _nothing _to you."

"You could never be nothing to me," he says, bending down in front of her, meeting her at eye level. "You were _never _nothing to me! You didn't mess us up. Your dad _died, _Lily, and that's not your fault. You needed time to grieve. And maybe _I _was the one who messed us up, because I didn't know how to reach out to you after it happened. I didn't know how to fix it."

For a second, Lily's eyes meet his, and he thinks he sees a spark in them. He thinks, maybe, he's gotten through to her and changed her mind. Her mouth opens slightly like she's about to lean forward and press her lips to his.

But then she drops her eyes to her feet.

"People hate each other if they break up," she says quietly. "They promise to be friends, but it doesn't happen. They make their friends pick sides. It gets messy. They fall apart."

"We wouldn't do that -"

"Nobody plans to break up. Nobody plans for things to end." Lily lifts her chin again. "I love you, James. That's why I can't do something that might ruin _us_." She leans forward and presses a gentle kiss on his forehead before she stands. "Thanks for everything. I don't know if I deserve a friend like you, but I'm… really glad I have you."

It feels like all his senses are in overdrive. His heart is beating loudly in his ears and his chest is suddenly tight.

They can't end like this.

"Wait. Please. Don't do this. I - I don't _want _to be just friends," says James, standing with her. He tries to take her hands in his, but they're limp against his grip. "We've never been just friends. We've always been something else. Something more. I don't know if I can go back to being anything less."

Lily keeps her eyes down when she takes her hands out of his. She grips her own arms, hugging herself. "I should go." She takes a step backward. "I'll text you. We'll still spend time together. I'm _not _losing you."

The anger from last night is starting to resurface.

The fact that she could just _leave…_

Just _walk away…_

She left him last night, and she's leaving him again now. And he's _so tired _of being left. He's so tired of Lily making him feel these things for her, and then leaving him to deal with it alone.

But it's ebbed by the fact that he knows deep down, Lily is frightened. He knows she's not doing it to be malicious, because she's not that type of person. Lily always loves deeply.

And so does he.

He feels like he could drown in the depth of what he feels for her. That he loves her to the point where there's no air.

He knows that if she loves as she says she does, she loves him just the same way.

But she knows what it's like to love someone and lose them, and he doesn't.

She loves him so much she's willing to walk away.

He loves her so much he's willing to stay.

And there is the tragedy in all of this for them.

He shakes his head, feeling his bottom lip start to tremble. "I don't want to be just your friend. I can try. But I don't want to."

"I should go," she repeats. "We don't want us to say things we don't mean. We're both feeling…" Lily stops herself and takes another step back, her words starting to fall over each other. "We need time. Emotions are high. I - I'm going to go."

The selfish part of him wants to stop her. To force her to stay and work things out. But he can't do that.

She wants to go. She wants him to let her go, and while it's possibly the hardest thing he's ever had to do, he knows he has to. He knows where his limits are when it comes to Lily. He knows how much he can take until he feels like he's going to crack.

Being just friends with her feels impossible.

But he's not a creep. While he's a lot of things, he's not the type of guy not to value their shared past and whatever relationship they had.

He feels hurt, angry, and rejected, but he still loves her.

And he wants to do whatever he can to make her happy.

Even if that means letting her go.

"I just… I want you to know that I don't regret any of this," he says before she can fully walk away. "You and me. Whatever this was between us. I could never regret that."

He sees her mouth move, but he doesn't quite hear what she says. He hopes he caught the words right, but he can't be sure.

"Me neither."

She turns toward her house, and James watches her go.


	17. Mean

**Chapter Seventeen: Mean**

"_You have pointed out my flaws again, as if I don't already see them."_

Morning comes.

For the first time in months, Lily doesn't wake up with the immediate need to wish someone else a good morning. She's exhausted like she barely slept, though she burrowed underneath the covers all night. Her bed, which has been a comfortable place to rest her head, feels like the only place she might be able to exist for a while.

She doesn't grab her phone. She knows herself well enough to know that she can't handle seeing the blank notification bar.

Lily doesn't move.

Instead, she stares at the ceiling.

Her alarm rings for a long time before she manages to lift her phone enough to turn it off. She puts it back, face down, before she can see the rest of the screen.

Post-prom doesn't feel anything like she imagined.

Before it happened, she thought it might be her movie-quality happily ever after. She built castles in her head and filled them with her daydreams of turning their fake agreement into something real.

But then she let herself get in the way.

At first, it might have been her being overly sensitive. James didn't say exactly what she wanted to hear when the crowns were on their heads. They started to fight, but it wasn't the first time they fought. Once they had time and cleared heads, they were able to understand each other better. He didn't mean that he didn't care about her.

_James loves Lily. Lily will love James._

James said that he loves her. He said that he wants to be together. When she strings all of their conversations together, he said all of what she hoped he would say.

And she couldn't do it.

She couldn't forget the way the world shrank around her. She couldn't forget how breathing became suddenly difficult. She couldn't forget the paralyzing fear that came along with realizing that things were changing again.

She didn't want to break them, but the sick feeling in her stomach tells her that she may have done just that. She told him that she loves him - which has always been true - but it still didn't end with them happy. She couldn't tighten her hold to watch it slip away.

Now she has to get up.

It reminds her of the first few months of that fateful summer after her dad died, when each day felt like a hurdle she wasn't ready to pass.

Somehow, she pushes herself out of bed. She gets herself ready for school and only sees Petunia when she goes downstairs. Her sister looks at her for a long moment but must decide that Lily isn't able to handle whatever she's thinking. Petunia hands her a protein bar before she leaves, so she has something for breakfast.

Another jolt goes through her heart when the door closes behind her. James isn't sitting in the driveway, and she isn't running as fast as she can into his arms.

After a beat, Lily goes to the curb and drops her backpack by her feet. She sits and pulls her knees close, wrapping her arms around them. Waiting for the bus is hard, but the idea of turning around and asking Petunia for a ride stabs her already injured pride.

She has to get through the day. That's all she has to do, and this is just the first step in that.

Lily looks up from a spot on the road when she hears a roar cut through the quiet of their street. A flashy motorcycle, shined to chrome perfection, comes to a stop in front of her. The rider puts his feet down to keep the bike standing. It idles, engine purring.

Lily blinks.

Sirius Black is the last person she expects to see in front of her house.

But there he is.

"Hop on, Evans," he says, tossing her a helmet, which she barely catches.

Lily scrambles up so she doesn't have to tilt her chin to look at him and puts her bag on her back. "Don't you usually pick up Remus?" She looks down at the helmet and back up at the bike. "I've never ridden before."

"Remus made other arrangements today," Sirius tells her. "Don't worry. All you have to do is hold on. Do you want to get to school or do you want to risk being on the late bus?"

She doesn't necessarily _want _to go to school, but sitting at her house isn't any better. At least school gives her something to keep her mind busy.

Lily pulls the ponytail holder out of her hair and puts on the helmet. "No attempts to fly like when we were kids, Black."

It's a little easier to face him with her face covered. She puts the other strap of her bag on and steps over the bike. Her feet find their place, and she isn't shy about being close enough to Sirius to put her arms around him. If she's going to ride anything driven by Sirius Black, she needs to hold on tightly. She positions herself so she can look over his shoulder, at least for the beginning of the ride.

"Are you ready?" he asks. The engine growls back to life over her yes. She's certain she hears him chuckle when she jumps and grabs him tighter.

This is _definitely _not her thing. She's much more comfortable in the passenger seat of James' car, listening to Taylor Swift.

She quickly shoves that thought out of her mind. That doesn't exist anymore. Riding in James' car had been part of girlfriend Lily, and she's not girlfriend Lily anymore.

She never really was.

"How are you holding up back there?" Sirius shouts, mistaking the shaking of her head for nerves. "You okay?"

"Yeah," she manages, pressing herself closer to him like that will fix all of her problems. He's asking about the ride, but she is almost ready to burst. "I'm…"

A motorcycle ride isn't the perfect place to let out all of her deep feelings. Instead, she vows to keep her eyes open as he revs the engine and increases their speed.

Halfway to school, she makes the conscious decision to let go of overthinking Lily, at least for a moment. She keeps one arm around him, but she lets go with the other hand. As they fly down a straight part of the road, her arm goes out beside them and rides the wind.

For the first time since prom, Lily laughs.

For now, she's a girl on a motorcycle with a friend. She doesn't let herself entertain the dozens of thoughts that should be bothering her. She doesn't let her mind think about statistics or speed limits. She lets herself enjoy the ride and even believes for a split second that maybe Sirius' bike can really fly.

"You've lost your mind!" Sirius yells back at her, but he's laughing too.

Laughter can only last for so long though. Pretty soon, Sirius is pulling into the school and reality settles back down around them. Sirius pulls into his spot, turning off his bike and letting the kickstand down.

When she walks in there, who is she going to be?

Lily, the girl who won prom queen.

Lily, the girl who _used _to be James Potter's girlfriend.

One thing is certain, she's not _just _Lily anymore.

Sirius looks back at her, staying on his bike. "We can skip if you want," he offers. "We can blow off the whole day."

She looks to the school building without taking off her helmet. "You know, a really big part of me wants to take you up on that. What would you do if I said yes?"

"I've skipped most of our senior year already," he says, shrugging. "What's one more day?"

"Then I probably have to go in." She takes off the helmet and shakes out her hair. "For your sake. Remus will be mad if you don't walk graduation with us."

Sirius gives a half-laugh, taking off his own helmet. "Remus and I are already sort of mad at each other, anyway."

"What? You two are -" She stops herself and starts again. "What happened? I have to meet up with him at some point to work on speeches. I'll tell him he has to -"

"We aren't broken up," Sirius cuts her off. "We just…" He lets out a frustrated breath. "He knew about you and James, and I didn't. I guess… It's sort of _me _who is mad, because he didn't tell me. So we're sort of having a… lovers' quarrel. I guess."

"Oh, Sirius. If I did anything to get in the middle, I'm really sorry. I never wanted to…" Lily lets out a sigh. "Did you read that line in a book he gave you?"

"What do you mean?"

"'Having a lover's quarrel.' It's not how most teenage boys would describe fighting with their boyfriend."

"Oh," he says, letting out a laugh that breaks off into a snort. "Maybe I did. He's always reading, and if I want to spend time with him… I guess I've been reading more too."

"You and Remus aren't really like other teenage boys." She puts her hands on the straps of her bag. "How do you do it?"

"Do what?" Sirius asks.

Lily notices he doesn't have a bag of his own with him as they start walking toward the school. She wonders what it's like to be so… unprepared. She's always needed to be five steps ahead to feel like she's keeping pace.

"Choose to be together when there are so many unknowns," Lily says. "When all the odds are against things working."

"Because…" he starts, thinking over his words. "Because sometimes the world is just sucky. It's dark and it doesn't make sense all the time. But Remus… he is the opposite. He's everything bright and good in the world. The world is full of unknowns, but I get to figure them out _with _him. It would be a whole lot harder without him."

If last night was any indication, Lily's life _is _a lot harder without someone.

"That's…" Lily pauses. There's one face in her thoughts, one face that fits the description Sirius is giving. "That's really beautiful. It's really… brave of you. Are you ever afraid of it? Afraid of getting hurt?"

"I guess I don't really think about getting hurt. Remus makes me feel safe. I mean, yeah, people _can _hurt you. We're only human. Hurting and joy… you can't know how one feels without the other." He looks over at her. "But we aren't talking about Remus and me, are we?"

"Of course we are." Even she knows that's not very convincing. "We should go inside. We can't have you getting another tardy before graduation."

Sirius snorts. "This school is _trying _to push me out, Evans. They don't want to deal with me again next year."

"Let me feel like a good influence. Being our class salutatorian should count for something."

"You're a terrible liar. You know that?"

"I've been told that once or twice." Lily takes a few steps toward the school, and he falls into step beside her. "How is he?"

She doesn't need to clarify who she references.

"He's not great," Sirius admits. "What I don't understand is... Why? Why decide to make the whole thing fake when you both clearly love each other?"

Lily shrugs, but she tries to give him an honest answer. "At first, I didn't realise it, I think. I didn't know I still loved him." The feeling is close to how she felt four years ago, but it's also different. It's bigger. "It was a good excuse to spend more time together and... It all sounds so silly now. To do all that to prove something to Petunia or the school or maybe myself."

"I can't wrap my head around it. If you love him and you wanted to spend time with him… Why break it off then? Why _not _make it real?"

"I don't think I'm brave like you. I was prepared to tell him, I really was. But when James said he - when he said what I wanted to hear, I -" Lily shakes her head. "I thought about the last time I tried to tell him. I thought about losing him and losing _everything_. How could I do that to us, knowing we might end up…?"

"End up what, Lily?" he asks. Lily knows how serious he's actually taking this by calling her by her first name.

"What if we end up as one of those angry couples who can't even look at each other? If we split up our friends and make them pick sides? If seeing our parents on weekends turns into a nightmare?" She makes it to the door, but she pauses with her hand on the handle. "What if we go off to college and he realizes he only feels this way because there weren't other options?"

To her surprise, Sirius laughs. "Lily, for James, there _aren't_ any other options. He's loved you since we were kids. He _still _loves you after everything."

Lily pulls the door open and lets Sirius go in before her. "That's... a lot to live up to."

"Not really - What in the world?"

Sirius stops so abruptly, Lily nearly collides with him. He's so tall, she has to peer around him to see what caused him to stop.

In place of the usually neat halls, Lily looks away from Sirius to find papers tacked on lockers and walls. They collect especially on a poster she hung up with Mary a few weeks ago that commands the students to 'Vote Potter and Evans!'

"Did someone's notebook explode?" Lily steps forward to take one of the papers down.

Her stomach twists when she recognizes her own handwriting. The tight feeling in her chest from prom night comes back when she notices exactly what her handwriting is saying.

Someone's notebook definitely did explode.

Their notebook.

"What is this?" Sirius rips a page off of the closest locker, squinting at it. "'James will drive Lily to school.' Holy shit. Is this…?"

She cannot handle this again, but the hallway gets narrow. She puts a hand on the wall like that will let her catch her breath. Instead, she feels like she tried to keep up with James on a run. The paper in her hand doesn't change and the hall doesn't stop spinning.

"It's our notebook. Our contract," she manages through her fog. "She found it. That's how she knew." Lily crumbles the page in her hand, but it doesn't do anything about the dozens on this stretch of hallway. "They're everywhere."

"Fucking hell," Sirius curses, thankfully understanding immediately. If she has to explain it anymore, she may choke on the words. Sirius starts tearing down as many papers as he can get his hands on, but there's too many. "How did she get the notebook? And _why _was there even a notebook to begin with? Evans, everyone does things on their phones nowadays!"

"How _did_ she get it?" Sirius' movement spurs her into action. She joins him in ripping the papers and her poster from the wall. "I carry my phone everywhere, but the notebook's in my room. She hasn't been there since, like, seventh grade! I haven't even touched it since… since..." Lily doesn't actually remember the last time she checked the notebook, and it sends a chill through her. "It has to be there!"

A group of freshman girls are gathered around the largest cluster, pointing and laughing. When they spot Lily, they start laughing even more.

"Move!" Sirius barks and they scatter, frightened. If ever there was a time Lily is thankful for Sirius, it is now. He is the only thing keeping her from bursting into tears. "Look at all of them! They span the entire hallway! Do you think Holiday put them over the entire school?"

"Oh my God." Lily uselessly drops the papers in her hands and stares down the hallway. Even if she tears them all down, nearly everyone has to have already seen them.

Lily doesn't have a response, but she doesn't want Hannah to know how low she feels. Lily is also hurt, even before she walked into this, and that part digs in like a dull knife. Facing James was already going to be hard and with the whole school laughing at her…

"Can we go back to your offer to skip?" she asks quietly, desperately.

"As much as I'd love to, we can't. If you skip, she'll know you ran away. We can't let her win that way too."

"Sirius, how am I…" Her eyes widen when she tears her eyes away from the hallway to look at him. "What about James? He's on these too." She tears another one down with force. "We have to find him."

"Shit, you're right. He's probably seen these by now too. He left for school before we did. Don't you guys have library duty this morning for civic, anyway?"

Of _course _they have to see each other first thing in the morning, even if he didn't pick her up for the drive. After combining her heartache, a motorcycle ride, and the notebook pages, she forgot. With a pang, she remembers using library duty as an excuse to be alone among the stacks. Now, she doesn't know how they'll be.

"We do. I…" She gestures at the papers. "I'll go check on him. Maybe he'll know what to do."

"I'll try to take care of as many of these as I can," says Sirius. "Maybe I'll bribe Remus with my forgiveness if he helps."

"Thank you, Sirius. For…" Lily shakes her head because putting any of it into words feels too heavy for a Monday morning. "Don't fight with Remus because of me. You two…"

_Make me believe things sometimes work out. _

"Yeah, yeah," says Sirius, smiling. "Now, go find James."

"Mr. Potter, _please! _Get down this instant!"

* * *

James is certain he's not doing anything to salvage his already damaged relationship with Ms. Pince by standing on top of one of her ladders despite her constant shouts for him to get down, but he can't help it.

He wouldn't even be up here on the tallest ladder, reaching above the tallest shelf, if it weren't for the fact that whoever put these damned papers all over the school put them up so high.

How had they even reached this high? He's currently struggling on the tips of his toes to reach where they've placed several pages of his and Lily's notebook, the words _James loves Lily _practically laughing back at him.

"This is ridiculous!" snaps James, his voice echoing around the nearly empty room. "You have the printer here! You must have seen who did this! Or at least have a record of it!"

"Mr. Potter, I already told you, there is no record of anyone using the printer this morning or last night," says Pince. When he glances down, he sees her standing on the second step of the ladder, looking up at him. "Whoever did this did so with their own resources!"

He can't imagine who would have this much time on their hands. Who would even _want _to do this. Who could ever be so vindictive…

It hits him like lightning then, exactly who would do something so completely awful.

The same person who taunted them a week ago over the very thing written on these pages plastered all over the school. The same person who had been so very livid when Lily won the crown over her. The very same person who he pissed off by announcing that he and Lily were running for prom court together _at her house. _

He rips off another page. "Hannah fucking Holiday."

He may have started this by so poorly announcing their running at her party, but she has taken it too far. Her attempt to humiliate them both and discredit their run for prom court has him fuming. They're likely a big joke throughout the entire student body, and _Lily…_

He left for school without her. Partly because he had been certain she wouldn't want a ride from him, partly because of his own wounded pride. She's going to have to walk in on this all alone, if she hasn't already, and it's entirely his fault.

Lily must be…

"Oh, Ms. Evans! You can talk some sense into him! Get him down!"

… here?

He turns, blinking.

Lily is in fact here, breathless like she ran the whole way. She looks up at him with wide eyes, like she can't quite believe she found him. He wasn't exactly hidden, so he doesn't know why she looks so surprised. Although, when he thinks about it, seeing each other after the events of the weekend catches him a little off guard too.

"I'll take care of it, Ms. Pince." She turns from him to flash a tame smile to the librarian.

Once the teacher goes back to her office, Lily looks at him again. She hesitates by a bookcase, clearly unsure of what to do with her hands. She settles for letting them drop to her sides. "I was looking for you. I wanted to know if you found them. Which, um, obviously, you did." She looks away from him. "Sirius is trying to get the worst of them downstairs."

"Yeah, I - um…" When did simply talking to her become so hard? Probably after he said too much, ruining everything between them.

He tries again. "I've been working on these since I got here this morning. It's Hannah, isn't it? She did this."

"I'm sure she did." Lily picks up a sheet of paper from the top of a bookshelf and presses it into a ball. She squeezes it smaller and smaller as she talks. "I don't know how she got it, but she must have gotten it from me. Somehow. I'm so sorry, James."

"This isn't your fault," he says. He takes a few steps down the ladder, stopping halfway down because that seems easier. "If anything, it's mine."

"It was my idea and I was keeping the notebook, so it's not your -" Lily looks back up at him. She takes a step forward to put her hands on the bottom of the ladder to secure it. "Please don't hurt yourself."

He laughs before he can help himself. "When have I ever hurt myself, Evans? I can walk down a ladder."

"The time you messed up your shoulder catching yourself when you almost fell out of the treehouse. The time you tried to jump off the swing higher than me." James swears the corner of her mouth starts to turn into a smile. "Should I go on?"

"No, no. You've made your point," he says, stepping the rest of the way down. They're so very close now. For the first time in months, he doesn't feel like he has permission to touch her, so he keeps his hands clenched tight.

"Good, I have more examples but didn't want to have to use them."

"Ha, I'm sure. So, what are we going to do about all… _this?" _He nods to the papers still scattered across the wall. It looks like he hasn't made a dent in the half hour he's been working on it. "I mean… is there any point in trying to take them down, really? Everyone has already likely seen them."

Lily lets her eyes drift to the papers but doesn't step away from him. "You're probably right. People have definitely seen them. They were making comments the whole way here." She tightens the ball in her fist. "What do you think we should do?"

"Say screw it and ignore them." He shrugs. "If Hannah sees us getting upset, she'll get what she wanted. I think the best thing we can do right now is just… move on."

He's not certain if he's talking about the papers or the two of them anymore.

Ignoring the eyes and whispers of everyone in the school seems hard.

Moving on from Lily feels impossible.

But he can't chase something that doesn't want to be caught.

"Move on." Lily takes a step back and holds her arms. "What should we tell people? About this? About us?"

He honestly hadn't considered what he would tell anyone about them, because it had never been something to be worried about. How were they to know that their entire agreement would be printed out and posted for everyone to see?

"Why tell them anything?" He tosses the paper in his hand, watching it sway to the ground. "We don't owe them an explanation. The only people I care about already know about… us."

The moment hangs uncomfortably while Lily watches the paper fall along with him.

"I won't say anything then." When she shrugs, her shoulders come down heavily. "I mean, we're almost done. Just have to last a few more weeks here."

The way she says it is like a punch to the gut.

Is that what she's planning on doing? Trying to make it by so she doesn't have to associate with him after graduation?

What is he supposed to do then? They're going to the same college. They're going to see each other more than he originally thought, and he's not certain he can act like he never knew her when he sees her on campus. He doesn't think he can _not_ spot her whenever she walks into a room. He's naturally inclined to notice her, like everything in him is drawn to push when she pulls.

He can't imagine looking at her and _not _feeling like he's completely, helplessly in love.

Will he, though? One day, will he look at her and _not _feel the same thudding in his heart? Years from now, when they're no longer at any school together, no longer neighbors, will he forget the way her laugh sounds?

Will he forget all the small little details that are so easy to recall right now about their childhood?

The thought of _not _being consumed by his love for her, of those feelings not existing at all, is almost worse than feeling this miserable over loving her forever.

He suddenly feels like he can't breathe.

"Just a few more weeks," he agrees, nodding. "Then we're in the clear. Until then… maybe we can focus on Hannah. How she got the notebook in the first place."

It's easy to put his mind into gear focusing on something else. He hasn't allowed himself to think about all the what ifs of a life after Lily. He doesn't want to do it now. He can wait to sort through all of that for a few more weeks too.

"College has to be better than _this_." Lily waves another of the sheets before adding it to the paper ball. "But you're right. We should figure out what happened. How she got it." She nods. "I'll look for the notebook in my room again. It _has _to be there."

"And I'll…" The words _help you_ are on the tip of his tongue, but he can't say them. They're not a team anymore. "I'll see if I can get any information out of her myself. Maybe one of her lackeys will know something."

"Who was with her at prom? Maybe they know something."

James frowns. "I'm not sure. I honestly didn't notice her at prom until… you know. The parking lot."

She definitely knows about the parking lot. He can tell by the way she frowns.

"We'll figure it out." When she says that, it sounds like a promise. "We've always figured things out, haven't we? Even things our parents didn't want us to know."

"Yeah, we always have."

_You couldn't figure out how to be together, _his mind betrays him. _You couldn't seem to figure that out. _

He shakes his head, pushing the intruding thought away. "Hannah's not that smart. She's likely left a trail behind her."

For a moment, it looks like Lily might say something. She looks up at him instead of the floor and takes a breath. She lets it out, though, without saying whatever crossed her mind. "We'll find it," she says. "Unless Sirius already has. When I left him downstairs, he was on a mission."

"Maybe you should go help him." He says it so quickly that he knows it comes off like he's trying to get her away from him, which isn't his intention.

He needs room to think, and it's hard when she takes up so much of his headspace. Especially when she's so close.

"I mean," he tries again. "You know how he is. He's probably shaking down some poor freshman for information who doesn't even know us. And Pince won't really mind if we skip. She'll probably be happy if I am somewhere else, honestly."

That does make her smile, a little sun peeking through the clouds. "I'll go save the freshmen and let you know what I find."

"I'll text you," he says without thinking. He blinks. "I mean, if that's okay still?"

"Yes," she says quickly, her smile staying in place. "It's okay. Definitely okay. I'll text you too."

"Okay, great. Well, I guess… I'll see you later?"

"Yes," she agrees. "Absolutely." She takes a step forward and hesitates, reconsidering. She shakes her head, like that's snapping her back into place. Lily takes a step back again.

What was she about to do?

"I'll, um, go now." Lifting her hand in a brief wave, she takes another step back toward the door. "See you." She offers a wave to Ms. Pince, who is peering out of her office window, and goes out the door.

He watches her leave, wondering if he should tell her to come back. Wondering if he should tell her that he's being stupid and his emotions are completely jumbled and he can't make sense of them. That they could figure this out together because it started with them together. That he'd rather have a few weeks of being something to her than pushing her away and being... nothing.

But she's too far before he can find his voice. Deep down, he thinks maybe it's best for right now. Maybe he needs this space to untangle the complexities of what he's feeling so that he doesn't give them both whiplash with this game of push and pull that's going on inside of him. She's not a rope for him to play tug of war with, pulling her closer when he feels like he can handle it and pushing her away when he feels like she's too much.

It's hard to be around Lily right now. Harder than he would ever care to admit. He knows he needs to take the time to feel all the confusion and rough edges that go along with that or he'll never come out on the other side of whatever this is.

"Mr. Potter!" Ms. Pince's voice startles him. "If you are planning some sort of prank in my library, you better -"

"Relax, okay?" James knows nothing good has ever come out of telling a teacher to relax, but old habits die hard. "I'm not planning anything. I'm going now, actually. You'll have this whole place to yourself. Just the way you like it."

James leaves before Pince can give him a smart remark or worse, write him up. He's been on relatively good behavior for the spring semester, and he's certain Euphemia will have a fit if he comes home with a referral this close to graduation.

Especially since his relatively good behavior is partially due to the fact that he had been dating - _fake _dating - Lily, and he hasn't told his parents about their break up yet.

He isn't sure how to even bring up the topic with them. They were so excited about them being together and going to prom together. He doesn't want them to know how much of a fool he is and how he ruined something that was hardly ever real to begin with.

Frustrated once again, he takes his glasses off, pinching the bridge of his nose as if that will get the intrusive thoughts to leave.

But it doesn't. All it does is cause him to run straight into another person.

"Hey! Oh. Potter."

Of all people on all days… James _would_ accidentally run into Benjy Fenwick. He puts his glasses back on, and Benjy's face swims into his line of vision.

"Sorry," James apologizes, half meaning it. "I, uh, wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

Fenwick's lips quirk slightly. "Obviously. You okay?"

"Yeah, I -" James stops abruptly. He's not okay. He's not okay at all, and he knows it. But he also knows that he's been an absolute jerk to Fenwick, who hasn't deserved it in the slightest. He sighs. "No, honestly, I'm not okay."

Fenwick nods seriously. "Thought as much. Saturday night was…" He makes a face and must think better of giving an adjective to what happened.

"It was a lot," James offers. "But I'm glad I ran into you. Literally. I've sort of been meaning to talk to you."

"What's up?"

"Saturday night was… a mess," James says, because it was. He shrugs. "To say the very least. But I shouldn't have gotten mad at you the way I did. You were only trying to help, and I guess I took it the wrong way."

"Oh." Fenwick mirrors his shrug and scratches the back of his head self-consciously. "It's alright. There was a lot going on. I mean, if I was in your place… Maybe I wouldn't have been very, uh, polite either."

"It's just…" James trails off, running a hand through his hair and letting out a frustrated growl. "I'm not the most… _level headed _person. Especially when it comes to Lily. She just - she's _Lily, _you know? My brain is already completely jumbled when she's around. And when we were falling apart in front of everyone, and you offered to help… It just sort of felt like eighth grade all over again, and I overreacted."

"You always were a little helpless when it came to her." Fenwick offers him a good-natured smile but lets it fall quickly. "Eighth grade? Do you two fight then?"

"Not really. It's more like…" He stops again. He's not sure how much he can share with Fenwick. How much he's able to share with anyone because the story is only half his. "Do you remember the party I had at my house that year? I know it's probably stupid to ask because it was forever ago."

Fenwick has to think for a few seconds, but as always, he's quick to catch on. "I think so. The first one where you invited girls? Besides Lily, of course. She was always at your house."

"Yeah, that's the one. Sirius and I had this idea to throw that party to try to tell Lily that I liked her. Which, looking back now, was sort of stupid. It's hard enough to tell a girl you like her, let alone trying to tell her with a bunch of other people around."

"Did you end up telling her?"

"Well, no. At least, not that night, I didn't. Sirius had this whole idea that we would play Spin the Bottle, and that it would land on her and we would kiss. And _then _I would tell her. We didn't factor in that it would land on someone else."

"Ah." Fenwick's eyes widen slightly in understanding. "Right. It landed on… me."

"Yeah, it did." James runs a hand through his hair, looking at the ground. "And, the thing is, it seems stupid now, but at fourteen, it was kind of a big deal. It felt like my whole plan had sort of been messed up. Like I lost my whole chance with Lily. And I guess at the time, you were the easiest person to blame for that. So fast forward to when things were falling apart at prom, and you inserted yourself again… Well, the same thing sort of happened. Everything felt like it was falling apart and you were the easiest target to attack."

"Just so you know, Lily and I have never…" He scratches the back of his head again. "The kiss was nice, sure, but I've never…" Fenwick gestures vaguely and his shoulders move with a sigh. "You know. Don't you?"

"I mean, logically, yeah. I know it. The thing is, that side of my brain never really seems to work." His sad attempt at a joke lands, and both boys chuckle. "I'm sorry, again. I never should have gone after you the way that I did."

"Don't worry. It's forgotten." Fenwick puts out his fist for a bump. "We're good?"

"We're good," says James, meeting his fist with his own. "Sucks that it had to wait until we're almost done with high school though."

"It does, but I dunno." Fenwick shrugs and offers a smile, sticking his thumbs in his front pockets. "Something tells me we'll end up seeing each other again. Mary is Lily's best friend, and the two of you..."

"There's no two of us anymore," James says, letting out a dry laugh. "Maybe there never really was."

"Really?" He cocks his head to the side. "I heard some of what you all said outside, but… She's so far gone for you, and you're... you know. If anyone's going to make it past high school, I'd bet on you."

James shakes his head. He wants to believe Fenwick's words more than anything, but he's low on hope at the moment. "We could never figure out how to get it right," says James. "We stopped talking for so long, I think we sort of… forgot how to communicate all together. At least about the important things. I think maybe I missed my shot with her for real this time."

Fenwick looks thoughtful. "Based on what I saw, she's scared," he says. "Graduating high school is scary enough, but add a relationship with a lifetime of expectations and… it's a lot. You two have been friends since you were babies, weren't you? You're not telling me that's going to change _now_."

"I don't know," he admits. "It feels like it's already changing. Or has changed."

"Give her some time. The next few weeks are going to be a whirlwind, but they'll settle down. You'll have time to figure things out."

"Yeah, time." James straightens, rolling his shoulders. "I'm glad we had this talk. I didn't want things to end on such a sour note."

"You're alright, Potter. Keep in touch, yeah?"

"Of course. You do the same."

Fenwick smiles, turning to leave. "Hey!" he says, turning over his shoulder. "Tell Pettigrew we missed him at prom. He could have hung out with our crew for a bit."

James frowns. "What do you mean? Peter wasn't at prom. He didn't get a date in time."

"Yeah, he was," says Fenwick, stopping to look at him fully. "Didn't you see him? He was with Hannah."

_Shit._


	18. Bad Blood

**Chapter Eighteen: Bad Blood**

"_Now we've got problems, and I don't think we can solve 'em."_

James' head is spinning.

It's been practically revolving ever since his talk with Fenwick.

He's never been one for logic, but he just can't think of a single reason that Hannah Holiday would ever go to prom with someone like Peter Pettigrew. More than that, James can't understand why Peter wouldn't tell them, his very best friends, that he had a date to prom with _Hannah._ Of all people.

Why would he even go to prom with Hannah in the first place?

The question has been driving him crazy all day. He nearly wrecked his car on the drive home overthinking it. Peter hadn't been at school today, or if he had, James hadn't seen him. His lack of presence is making James' thoughts more jumbled.

Peter _knows_ how much Hannah hates Lily. How much that hatred for her is rooted solely in the fact that Lily chose to run against her for prom queen. Hannah hadn't even been part of the reasoning for why Lily had wanted to run, but nonetheless Hannah had taken it personally. James put the final nail in the coffin when he announced their campaign at her party.

All of that makes sense to James. All of that adds up logically as to why Hannah is doing the awful things she's done so far. No matter how unjustified her actions are, it's Hannah and it makes sense for a cat to have claws.

But Peter?

That doesn't make any sense to him.

Hannah wouldn't go to prom with someone who didn't have anything to offer her. She would want to go with someone who could elevate her status, someone who would help with votes. But Peter isn't any of those things. He isn't on track to win a popularity contest or sway the votes, not that James cares about that sort of thing.

But Hannah does. So what was it, exactly, that Peter had to offer her? Why would Hannah have chosen him as her prom date?

His phone buzzes mid-thought. When he picks it up, Lily's name is flashing back at him.

_Lily: I can't find the notebook_

_Lily: It's not in my room_

_Lily: I don't know where it could be!_

James looks down at his phone, his stomach dropping in a way it never has before when he reads Lily's texts. He thinks he knows then exactly what Peter offered Hannah, but it's only a hunch. One he has no evidence so far to prove, other than a gut feeling. He has to find out for himself, and he hopes more than anything that he's wrong.

_**James: I think I may have a lead but I'll let you know if it pans out **_

_**James: Please don't worry **_

_**James: I promise I'll fix this**_

He knows he's being vague in his response, but he can't drag Lily into this yet. Not without knowing all the facts first. Not without hearing it from Peter himself.

He prays to whatever god is out there that he's wrong. That Peter would never betray him in such a way. He's never been one to see any sort of wrong in any of his friends. It's like a sickening betrayal of his own sort to think such a thing of Peter.

Peter is his friend.

Or, at least, he's supposed to be.

Sure, he hasn't actually seen him much recently, but that isn't for lack of trying.

Peter couldn't possibly be so vengeful as to...

"Did something else happen?" asks Sirius, pausing his game and cutting off James' thoughts effectively. "I mean… other than everything at school, that is. You've been quiet since you got home."

James contemplates telling Sirius what he suspects of Peter but thinks better of it. Sirius is rash and charges into things headfirst. James knows that he's going to have to be careful in how he interrogates Peter. Sirius is never one for tiptoeing carefully around a subject.

He'd rather torch it, blow it up, and then put the pieces together later.

James is going to have to do this himself.

"Just... everything at school," offers James. It's not entirely a lie, so he doesn't feel as guilty about it. He stands, grabbing his keys. "I think I'm going to take a drive to clear my head."

"Do you want me to go with you?"

"No, that's okay." He tries not to say it too quickly, pausing at the door for good measure so it doesn't appear like he's running away. "Have you and Remus made up yet, by the way?"

"Not yet," says Sirius, half a smirk working its way onto his features. "He's actually working on his valedictorian speech with Evans right now. We'll make up after. He needs to have all his wits about him to produce a good speech, and I happen to make him speechless. So it's not a good combo."

"Ugh, gross. Keep it to your room and make sure you lock the door this time. I don't want to come looking for something only to find you two making out like a bunch of wild animals."

Sirius looks like he's about to make a smart retort, his mouth opening. Then, it closes so tight that it goes thin.

James knows he was about to say something regarding Lily and him, likely about him catching them making out not too long ago. He tries not to let his heart sink at the thought of kissing her. Of no longer being _allowed_ to kiss her.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," Sirius says, the words rushing together. James and Sirius have always been so attuned to each other. He knows right away that even though he never said it aloud, his thoughts translated to James' own mind. "I didn't mean any-"

James holds up a hand, shaking his head. "It's okay," he tells him. "Don't worry about it. It is what it is. I'll be okay, you know. As soon as I'm able."

"You'll make it through this," says Sirius, sounding like he believes it more than James actually does. "And I honestly don't think that this is the end for you two."

"Don't," says James, sounding harsher than he means. He clears his throat, trying again. "Please don't. I just - I can't get my hopes up again about this. I think… I think it's really over, Sirius."

Sirius looks for a moment like he wants to argue but thinks better of it, and James is thankful. He's all argued out. He's played over and over the reasons in his head for why things didn't work out with Lily, why they likely never will. He's not ready to say them aloud just yet.

Saying them aloud makes them more real. It sets fire to the words, and he won't be able to stop them from burning.

He'd rather keep his defeat tightly locked inside his own head for a little bit longer.

Maybe he's shutting everyone out by doing so, but it's the only thing keeping him slightly functioning at the moment.

"You know I'm here, right?" Sirius asks. "If you ever need to talk, I'm right here."

"I know," says James, smiling. He does know, and he's incredibly thankful for a friend like Sirius who is so much more like a brother. "I promise, as soon as I'm ready, you'll be the first shoulder I cry on."

"So long as it's not my leather coat."

They grin at each other, and it's the first time a smile has reached James' eyes since prom. It feels like a crack in the tough exterior he's been having to wear, and the warmth that seeps in makes his chest expand.

"Deal," he says, opening the door.

When he leaves he tries to hold onto the warmth, but he quickly feels it dissolve.

He hopes it's not an omen.

* * *

James hasn't been to Peter's house since the other boy's fourth grade birthday party. James' house is their normal hang out spot and has been since they were kids.

So when he shows up on Ms. Pettigrew's doorstep, ringing her doorbell twice for good measure, he isn't shocked to see her wearing a surprised look on her face when she opens the door. He nearly wonders if he should introduce himself again. Maybe she doesn't remember him, he wonders, but she quickly smiles in recognition after a beat.

"James Potter," Peter's mother says warmly. "I haven't seen you in forever! Are you here to see Peter?"

Her features have always been kind. Today is no different, but it doesn't do a thing for James' nerves.

"Yes, ma'am," he replies. "Is he home?"

"Of course! Come on in," she says, ushering him through the doorway. "I'll go upstairs and get him. You wait right here, hun."

James watches as she goes, leaving him alone. Peter's house is as he remembers it from second grade. It's smaller than his own, more cluttered than his mother would be able to stand, but it looks more lived in than his own house. There's a distinct smell around the house that's just… Peter. There's no other way to describe it. It's what clings to his clothes and backpack during the day.

Peter and his mother have lived here forever. There are a thousand scattered photos covering the walls with no particular order to them that testify to that fact. James preoccupies his mind by looking at the many photos of tiny Peter in front of his house, holding up signs that indicate whatever school year he was starting or ending at the time. There are a few of him and his mother as well, likely shot at the photo center in the town mall, based on the generic backdrops.

Whereas Peter had always been on the thicker side, his mother is small and skinny. In one photo, she holds a tiny, chubby Peter on her hip, her makeup styled in a way James has only seen in 90s movies. James suspects Peter likely took after his dad, but isn't entirely sure as Peter's dad walked out on them when Peter was too small to properly remember it.

"Here he is," Ms. Pettigrew sing-songs back down the steps. Behind her is a very bashful looking Peter. James has seen Peter wear many expressions throughout the years, but never quite this one. Never around him.

James feels his mouth run dry.

He swallows. "Hey," he manages. When is the last time he properly talked to Peter? He can't remember. "I stopped by to see if maybe you wanted to go for a walk or something?"

Peter casts a glance between his mother and James before stepping down another stair. James isn't sure if he doesn't suspect that James has his suspicions or if he is resigned to whatever is going to happen. "Alright," he answers, almost reluctantly. "We can take a walk. If you want."

"Do you boys want a snack?" Ms. Pettigrew is already walking into the kitchen and opening the fridge. Her voice echoes from it when she speaks again. "I have some strawberries I can probably cut up -"

The tips of Peter's ears color. "We're fine, Mom. We don't need any snacks. We're not _ten. _We won't be long anyway." He looks at James, his cheeks starting to match his ears. "We can go now."

James opens the door before Peter's mom can offer them another snack. He's not certain he'll be able to resist a second offer as a teenage boy, and it's hard to have an important conversation with a full mouth.

He waits until they're walking in a similar stride, side by side, before speaking again. "Your mom still seems nice," he says. "Is she still working at the steakhouse?"

"No," Peter says, letting the word sit uncomfortably for a few seconds. "She works across town now. The new Italian place?"

Until earlier today, James thought he _knew _Peter. He thought they were as close as two teenage boys who grew up together could be. Peter knew things about James. He knew his practice schedule during football season, he knew where James' own parents worked, and he even knew James' preferences when it came to silly things like flavors of soda.

Maybe James doesn't really know anything about _Peter._

They feel farther away than ever now.

"Oh," he says after a moment. "We haven't eaten there. Um, does she like it?"

Peter shrugs while he keeps walking. "She gets better hours, so it's okay."

James rubs the back of his neck. It's never been this hard to talk to Peter. He's never been quite this awkward around him before.

It's partly his own fault, he imagines, for coming over without any sort of plan. For not accounting for the awkwardness of two teenage boys taking a walk together. What did he expect would happen when he got to Peter's house? That James would immediately accuse Peter and that he would confess? That he would explain it was some sort of blackmail, and please, _please _could James find anyway to forgive him?

How is James even supposed to bring up a potential betrayal? How does one accuse another person of something effectively? Especially when there's nothing but a guy feeling to go on. Maybe he should have brought Sirius after all. He has a flair for dramatic accusations. If he were here, he would have already have the confession and a blown-up street by now.

"Look," sighs James, deciding to take a page out of Sirius' book and cut to the chase. "I heard something today. About you. And I guess I came over to hear it from you myself. To see if it was true."

Peter chances a glance out of the corner of his eye to James but doesn't turn to face him. It almost makes it harder. "What did you hear?" Peter's lack of context or confession doesn't make this any easier.

"That you went to prom with Hannah Holiday," James says. The words sound just as ridiculous spoken aloud as they did in his head. "Did you, Pete? Did you go with her?"

"Is there something wrong with going to prom with Hannah Holiday?"

"I don't know. Is there? Because you certainly didn't tell us you were going with her. You told us you didn't have a date at all."

"That's not true. You didn't even _ask _me if I had a date," accuses Peter. "You assumed I didn't."

"We figured if you had one… Well, you would have told us," says James. "We didn't want to make a big deal out of you not being able to get a date."

"That's another thing, though. You just _assume _everything. You assumed that I couldn't get a date -"

"That's not what I meant!"

"And then you assumed that, even if I didn't have a date, I wouldn't want to go with you guys anyway! You wrote me off!"

"We didn't - I didn't mean to make you feel that way," James says. "I guess I never thought…"

"You never do," Peter adds when he trails off.

"Why didn't you… tell us? I mean, I don't understand it. How did it even happen? You and Hannah?"

He shrugs. "I decided to ask her and she said yes. It's as simple as that. You all didn't seem to miss me that much either way."

James stops walking. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"If you just heard about my date now, you must not have seen me there. You didn't insist I come with you all or anything. It's like I was never even around."

James opens his mouth to retort, but it hangs there as a frustrated gasp for a moment. It's true, he _didn't _see Peter at prom, but he also hadn't known to look for him either.

"That's not -" he starts before growling. "We invited you to come with us! We've been inviting you to do stuff with us for weeks now, and you've been blowing us off!"

"As an afterthought, maybe. Honestly, James, did you ever once look around and think, 'hey, it might be more fun if Peter were here?' No! You were so wrapped up in this thing with Lily - which wasn't even _real _\- and hanging out with Sirius. Besides them, you don't care about anyone."

"Don't," warns James. "Don't bring Lily into this. She doesn't have anything to do with this."

"That's all you have to say to me? You ignore me all semester, forget about people you say are your friends, and you can still only think about _Lily_?"

The way he practically spits Lily's name back at him infuriates James. "I haven't been ignoring you! You've disappeared! Forgive me if most of my thoughts have been consumed with the girl I'm in love with! That doesn't make me a bad friend!"

"Well, you haven't been a _good _one," Peter retorts. "You were perfectly fine with not having me around!"

James isn't sure when the conversation turned into a near shouting match, but they're practically squared off against one another, fists clenched.

"How would you know how I'm feeling? You haven't been around! You weren't there when things blew up at prom. You haven't once checked on me after Lily and I broke up… or fake broke up. Whatever it was." James fakes a laugh. "Oh wait, that's not right. You w_ere _around, weren't you? You were on the sidelines watching while everything was falling apart!"

"It goes both ways! Besides, you thought I couldn't do anything! That I couldn't get a date or decide to go to prom without one, but you were wrong. You were too wrapped up in whatever nonsense you had with Lily to see anything else. But it's not going so great now, is it?"

Just this once, James ignores the dig at his failed fake relationship with Lily. He's afraid of the place it's sending him to with his anger. Responding to that will only send him further into the pit.

"That's another thing," he says instead. "How _did _you manage to get Hannah Holiday to go to prom with you anyway, Peter? What exactly did you do to make her want to go with you?"

"Because you don't think I could -" Peter's face twists. He's about to say something else but stops himself. "Have you lost anything recently? Anything, oh, I don't know, _noteworthy?"_ he asks with a dangerous undertone.

For a long moment, it's like time itself has stopped. James is staring at Peter, and it's almost like he doesn't recognize the other boy.

This isn't his Peter.

This isn't the same kid who James asked to play with him in first grade because the other boy was sitting alone. This isn't the same Peter who would always bring an extra snack cake in his packed lunch because James loved them.

This Peter is dark and cruel.

This Peter is _mean. _

How long had he been this way and James couldn't see past everything else to notice it?

Time slowly starts to trickle on again, and James finds his voice. "It w_as_ you, wasn't it? You're the one who gave Hannah the notebook. But - but how? We were so careful -"

Peter crosses his arms and doesn't even have the decency to look ashamed. "_Careful? _You left it on the ground for anyone to find that time we all caught you making out. I didn't think she would leave something like that laying around. Why'd you put it in a notebook if you didn't want someone to find it?"

Something inside of James snaps.

Peter did this. He hurt Lily - _his _Lily - all because he had been mad at James. He had given the notebook, the thing that solidified their entire relationship as being fake, to Hannah so that she could use it for revenge against them for stealing her crown. He had allowed Hannah to humiliate them both so he could secure a prom date and get back at James at the same time.

Everything James has been working so hard on holding inside of him breaks wide open, and it's like he's drowning in it. He has lost everything. His entire relationship with Lily - fake or not - has gone up in smoke, and the ashes are on display for everyone to see.

And Peter… Peter aided in that.

"How could you?" James is shaking, and for the first time in his life, he has the urge to hit Peter. To take his fist and bruise his knuckles against his face. "How could you do that to me? To her?"

Something flickers across Peter's face, but it hardens before it can turn into anything. Any trace of apology is covered as quickly as it came. "You finally noticed me, didn't you?"

"You're an asshole," says James. He clenches his fist tight. "You're a real fucking asshole, you know that? You know what sort of shitshow Lily had to walk into this morning? Do you have any idea how humiliating that was to have something so private on display for everyone to see? For the both of us? Do you even care?"

For a second, Peter's face is wiped blank. "What do you mean? Hannah said she would bring it up to you, but I didn't know anything else she was going to do with it. You can't handle a few rumors?"

"She printed off copies and posted them all over the fucking school, Peter! What the fuck did you think she was going to do? Interrogate us in private?"

Peter stands there with his mouth open like he _didn't _think Hannah would try to ruin their lives if they took something away from her. As if he didn't know what power he was giving her with something so small as a notebook.

"I thought…" He swallows, the impact of James' words clearly sinking in. "She was going to give you some shit for it, probably tell some people. I didn't think she would…"

"You didn't think she would try to make our lives a living hell? It's what she does! I can't believe you would be so stupid as to think she would keep something like that to herself!"

"What kind of person is intense enough to think she was going to _post _it around the school? I thought she would tell people for a laugh! Try to convince them you shouldn't have won! Not… go nuclear!"

"She _is _nuclear! Hannah is one big nuclear bomb just waiting for the right moment to go off!" James shouts, taking a step closer so he's practically snarling in Peter's face. "And you gave it to her!"

This time, Peter recoils. "She told me not to go in today. To see if you noticed that I -" Peter takes another step back. "I didn't know what she was going to do."

"So you're taking orders from her now, are you?"

Some of Peter's resolve comes back. "I'm not _taking orders _from anyone. If you ever thought I was, that's _you _being a bad friend."

James laughs and it sounds bitter to his own ears. "No, you know what being a bad friend is? Having a problem and not addressing it with me _first. _Not addressing it with me at all! A bad friend _steals _something personal and gives it away to someone else to use against them. Someone is a bad friend here, and it isn't me!"

"You can tell yourself you were right," Peter says. "You can paint yourself that way and think I'm the bad guy, but you aren't perfect either. I don't have to stand here and take this." His hands tense into fists. "I'm going home."

"Fine!" James shouts after his retreating figure. "Go home then! Run away! It's what you do best!"

James waits until Peter is gone far enough away before he starts his own trek back to his car. He's thankful Peter doesn't have a driveway big enough for him to park. He had to park several houses down from his on the side of the road, so now he doesn't risk running into him again.

He's not certain he could keep himself from bashing his face in if he sees him again.

Instead, he settles for punching the steering wheel of his car once he's safely inside of it so hard that the horn blares as he lets out a frustrated yell.

He's lost so much in the past few days.

Today he gets to add Peter to that list.

And the worst part, James thinks as he pulls out his phone, is that it's not only him that Peter has betrayed.

How is he ever going to tell Lily?


	19. New Romantics

**Chapter Nineteen: New Romantics**

"'_Cause, baby, I could build a castle out of all the bricks they threw at me."_

_From my time in high school, I've learned..._

The cursor blinks tauntingly at her.

On any regular day, this would be an already difficult task. Summarizing her entire high school experience in a few minutes while also keeping it interesting enough for people to care is already not an easy task. With the events of the past few days, it seems nearly impossible.

Lily heaves a dramatic sigh and lets her head fall back. They've both been focusing on their screens. Remus suggested getting something started before they talked about it too much. Even if it's only been twenty minutes, it might as well have been a few hours.

Although she doesn't have many words on her page to show for it.

When Remus interrupts his steady typing to look up, his responding expression makes her think she's acting more like Sirius than the boy sitting across from her.

"These speeches are so weird," she says by means of explanation.

"What do you mean?"

"Don't get me wrong - I'm proud of it, and you absolutely deserve the recognition. But…" Lily makes a face at her mostly empty Google doc, pressing backspace to erase what little she has, and looks over her laptop at Remus. "I did well on tests and studied a lot. Why does that mean anyone wants to hear me talk about myself for five minutes?"

Remus presses enter on his own laptop, solidifying why he ended up a tenth of a point ahead of her in grade point average. While she's struggling like her speech has to go down in history, he manages to get things done, no matter what. "You don't necessarily have to talk about yourself."

"What _do _I talk about then?"

He shrugs. "Whatever you want people to know. We basically get five minutes to say whatever we want. Unless they try to cut our mic, I guess. I think you'd have to say something _really _weird to make them do that."

"Well, thank God Sirius didn't take my spot."

"_That _would be a speech we'd never forget," Remus says with a fond smile.

Lily's heart twists a little painfully. She's happy for Remus - really.

It's just that she's also reminded unwillingly of everything she's trying to shove to the back of her mind until she actually has time to deal with it. Now, she needs to get her speech draft done.

"I don't know what I'm doing with my life any more than anyone else getting a diploma. You might have stuff figured out, Remus, but I'm a mess."

Remus frowns at her from over his laptop, adjusting his reading glasses that look too hipster to be real. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"It's not…" Lily glances down at her screen, but she's already deleted her previous attempts. She doesn't have anything to distract her from the concern in his eyes. "It's like I'm supposed to know everything. I'm supposed to know what I'm going to do with the rest of my life and where I'm going to go and how I'm going to feel about it when I get there, but I…" She looks up, because she doesn't have to worry so much about Remus judging what she says.

"I mean, I'm lucky," she continues. "I shouldn't be complaining about this. I've known what I wanted to study since I was five and made my dad teach me how to play doctor. I get to start at the school where he did his residency. My scholarship means I won't be in debt for the rest of my life _quite_ yet. I've been so certain for so long, but now that's it close… What if I'm not really that person?"

"Of course you get to complain," says Remus. "Having things figured out for the most part doesn't mean you don't get bumps in the road." He shrugs a single shoulder. "Maybe part of the problem is that you didn't plan for any bumps in the road. Or one particular bump."

One particular bump who has messy hair, glasses that constantly slide down his nose, and the ability to make her feel like the luckiest girl in the world - even if it's not truly real.

She doesn't have to ask to know that Remus means James.

"I've already changed once, and that nearly broke us. We only managed to get over it and become friends again because I was mad at Petunia. Which, I mean, isn't exactly uncommon, but that doesn't mean it was a guarantee." Lily tries to smile like she's capable of telling a joke, but it doesn't fully land.

"Changing didn't nearly break you," says Remus, shaking his head. "If that were true, why did it work so well when you were together? Fake or not, it worked. You changing isn't the reason you both stopped talking. Grief is. You lost your dad, Lily. Sometimes we need to heal from things, and it takes a lot out of us."

Even though she's not sure that she fully believes it, Remus' words ring true.

Ever since the time in Mr. Potter's office when she had a chance to talk with someone who knew him, one of the knots of her stomach has loosened. That pocket of grief hasn't threatened to swallow her if she doesn't shove it away. For the first time in a long time, she could take the radio off her shelf and wipe away a layer of dust.

Letting herself cry in front of James wasn't something she planned. It wasn't part of her idea for the day, but it didn't matter. She can't remember another recent time when her dad's memory wasn't charged with a feeling of personal inadequacy.

James made her feel like it was okay to be in the place she is. It's okay to miss her dad and want to talk about him, even if that's not how the rest of her family handles it. It's okay to want to be like him and also worry about drowning in his shadow.

"I'm working on it - healing. I guess I didn't realize that I wasn't fully there," Lily allows. "Then it all exploded at prom. I thought about how we're at another life-changing point. At college, you're _supposed_ to find out more about yourself. I might not be _this _version of Lily either. Maybe by the end of it, I won't recognize myself."

"Even if you go to college and change, that's what people do. People change. We're not a solid form forever. We're shaped constantly by time and going through things. James will change too. Are you saying you won't love that version of him? Just because it's a bit more developed than the last?"

"Of course not," she replies, as if there was anything else she could say.

Although it might have taken her a long time to realize it, Lily Evans has spent a long time loving James Potter.

The boy who held her hand at prom is the same one who dared her to roll down the hill by the park. The same one who held her hand when a cut stung because her dad had to disinfect it before putting on a bandage. The same one who left messages on the window across from hers to make her smile.

But he's also so much more.

Six year old Lily had a partner in mischief. Ten year old Lily had a best friend. Fourteen year old Lily was smitten.

Eighteen year old Lily suspects that she might know what love feels like.

"I'm always going to love James."

When she says it, Lily knows it's true.

Remus smiles like he knows it too. He shrugs. "That's an awfully long time to love someone and not be with them."

Before she can say anything back to him, her phone buzzes on the table and makes her jump. She turns on the screen long enough to see the sender. It's like he knew the moment she said his name out loud.

_**James to Lily: Can I see you?**_

The phone is in her hands with her thumbs hovering over the keyboard before she looks up at Remus again. "He texted me," she explains.

"He always has perfect timing," says Remus with a fond laugh. "What does he want?"

It has always been _her _who doesn't have good timing.

"To see me."

"And?" asks Remus. "What are you going to do?"

She doesn't know exactly where they stand. Their last conversation was unlike any other time they've talked to each other. They were so stilted and unsure.

James wanting to see her has to be a good sign, she thinks. He has every reason to be angry with her. He has every reason not to understand and be upset.

In the library, though, he said he would text her. He wasn't just saying it to get rid of her. This is him keeping true to that.

This is even a step farther than that, because he's also asking to see her.

She's still thinking about what Sirius and now Remus have said to her. She doesn't know what it means for them or what she's going to say to James, but she doesn't want to tell him no. She wants to see him too.

"Can I tell him to come by here? I'll even be good and try to work on my speech."

"Of course you can. It's your house, silly." His cheeks tint pink. "When he gets here, maybe I'll go check on Sirius. If we both talk to our boys, we can probably focus on these speeches better."

_Our boys._

The phrase brings to mind a picture that feels like a memory, though she knows it hasn't happened. All of them - adding Mary, of course, because she can't paint a perfect picture without her best friend, and maybe even Benjy - laughing and smiling and somehow knowing that things are going to be okay, even if they don't know how they will turn out exactly.

Even with the edge of uncertainty, it doesn't make her heart race in fear. Instead, her heart skips like it did when James instinctively knew how to kiss her.

_Lily to James 3: We're at my house_

_Lily: Come over_

"I told him to come," she says, putting her phone on her leg so she'll feel it vibrate if he answers. "If you finish your draft before I get a good start, I'll do our last lab report for AP Chem."

"Deal," he agrees, already furiously typing away. "I hate keeping up with all of that."

The soundtrack of Remus' quick typing is both motivating and a little nerve-wracking. Lily looks at the blinking cursor, though this time she hesitates for a different reason.

It's not that she doesn't know what to say - it's that she isn't sure _how _to say it. How to put her swirl of thoughts into something logical and broad enough to be her message to their graduating class.

When she does start to type, it's not as fast as Remus, but she doesn't let herself hit backspace. She has to get something out before she lets her tendency to overthink take over and make her step back.

She has something to say.

It feels like she's in the middle of an unfleshed thought that's possibly going everywhere and nowhere at the same time when the doorbell rings, startling her. She looks down at her phone but sees no new messages. James must have rushed over as soon as she texted him.

"Huh," says Remus, shutting his laptop. "That was fast."

"I'll get it." She jumps up and closes her laptop too, since her ideas are not ready for anyone to see. "Did you finish?" Lily makes herself ask, though she's also taking a few backward steps toward the front door at the same time.

"Nearly! Just need to finish the conclusion," he says, smirking at her. "You know what that means, don't you, Evans? Someone other than me is in charge of our lab report!"

"You're only _nearly _finished!" she answers, laughing, when she turns to the door. "That means you should still have to do the intro and materials section!"

Lily opens the door. "That was fast."

Her smile immediately falters when she sees him. Something is off in the way he's looking at her, like he's guarded or muted.

"Hey," James says. Even his voice sounds off. He always greets her with is different. His tone is almost dead. "I'm not bothering you, am I?"

"No. Of course not," she answers carefully. "Do you want to come inside? Remus is here, but he said he has to talk to Sirius, so he can go."

"Yeah, that's fine." He follows her in, leaning around her to get a look at Remus. "You heading out?"

"Yeah," says Remus, holding the strap of his already-packed bag tightly. "I've got to take care of, um, unfinished business with Sirius."

Lily doesn't need to turn toward James to know he's scrunching up his nose. "I'll tell you what I told him. _Lock the door."_

"Yeah, yeah," says Remus, rolling his eyes. He turns to look at Lily. "Remember what we talked about, okay? Bumps in the road and all that."

"Okay. Good luck with Sirius." Lily lets Remus pass her, some of the confidence from her writing sprint settling in her stomach. When he gets outside, she releases the door to let it close.

She forces herself to face James. She knows enough now to recognize that ignoring problems doesn't make them go away. She'll have to fight every impulse to sweep things away where they can't bother them. "Is something wrong? Do you want to sit down?"

"I - I just…" he trails off before running a frustrated hand through his hair, sighing. "I don't know how to tell you this."

Not knowing or making up something in her head, she tells herself, has to be worse than whatever it is. If he gives a voice to it, they can work through it. They have to.

"What is it?"

"I know who stole our notebook. I know who gave it to Hannah," he says, looking at her with a thin frown. "I'm so sorry, Lily. I feel like this is my fault."

She almost breathes a sigh of relief.

He knows something. They can do something about it. He hasn't come to explain that they can never see each other again. He hasn't come to tell her that they can never be friends and he wants to live without her.

But the notebook is a problem too. The papers with her handwriting don't disappear because she has another internal crisis layered with some personal revelations. If James is upset enough to look like this, it's a problem.

"As long as you didn't give it to Hannah, it isn't your fault," she assures him. No matter how everything since prom might have made him feel, Lily knows he would never do that. He wouldn't intentionally hurt her because something didn't go the way he planned. "Who was it?"

"Peter," he says simply. "It was Peter who did it."

"Peter? He's your friend. Why would he?" This, she realizes with a sinking feeling, could be why he looked like he did when she opened the door. Lily reaches out to take his arm and guide him to the couch. She sits on the wooden coffee table so she can face him. "How did he get it?"

"I think he got it the day we were… you know. _Studying." _He blushes when he says it, avoiding her eyes.

"When we were…" She doesn't blush like him, but it's likely only because she's trying to figure out how the notebook made its way into James' basement at all. It was supposed to stay in her room. When she packed her things to go to James', she…

She didn't check her bag, she remembers, mentally cursing herself. They both knew before she came over that the goal of their session wasn't entirely studying. Lily threw her school bag together, but she hadn't been thinking about her homework when she asked for a study date.

She was thinking of all the fun things they could do.

"It's my fault," Lily answers. "It must have gotten mixed into my things. I didn't notice I didn't have it because I wasn't supposed to have it. When it wasn't in my room, I should have guessed that I let someone get ahold of it. I should have been more careful. I shouldn't have let myself forget about it." She keeps her hand on his arm. "I'm so sorry, James."

"It's not your fault," he says, a fierceness sneaking its way into his tone. For the first time since he stepped into her house there's fire in his voice. "It's not your fault at all. If anything it's mine. I thought he was my friend. I never thought he would do something so low. I guess I never really knew him."

While taking the blame she feels she deserves might help some things, Lily knows James. She knows that isn't the main reason he's hurting right now.

James has always valued his friends more than anything else.

"He was your friend," Lily says quietly. "Friends can do terrible things. You don't have to forgive him or want to be friends anymore, but that doesn't mean your friendship wasn't real or that you didn't know him."

"I can't see him without wanting to hit him. I almost _did_ hit him, Lily. For a second, all I could think about was beating the shit out of him."

"But you didn't. I know you didn't." Lily puts her hand over his. She's not holding it, but it's close. "James, you're allowed to be angry. That's painful and awful. I can't - I can't imagine what you must be feeling. When someone you love hurts you, it doesn't feel like a normal hurt."

"Is this what you feel like with Petunia?" James asks, his voice cracking. "Because, _God, _Lily, how do you do it? After all the awful things she does and says, how do you not _hate _her?"

The break in his voice hurts more than almost anything else that has happened between them. She's still piecing her heart together, but this nearly shatters it. The fact that she has any part in this hurt makes it a sharp knife in her side.

"Sometimes I wonder if I do," Lily admits. Her gaze goes to where their hands overlap because it's easier to look there than directly into his pain. "I wonder if she wishes I wasn't here. If she wanted a sister but I didn't meet the mark for some reason. If I did something to cause it. If there's a way we'll ever be like other sisters." She runs her thumbs over the back of his hand. "Because I do love her, and I want her to love me."

"If she wishes any of those things, she's a bigger jerk than I thought. You're amazing, Lily. A far better sister than she deserves," says James. His voice is soft, but she can hear how much he means it.

"But my way may not be the right way," Lily continues. "You don't have to forgive or forget. It doesn't make you a bad person if you're angry."

"I'm _so _angry with him. I think I'm the angriest I've ever been with anyone. To be pissed at me is one thing, but to drag you into it too?"

Lily looks up to see the same blazing look he's had since they were small. Other people might think James is silly, but he's one of the most sincere people she knows. When he says something, his words have weight.

"James, you're allowed to be angry because _you're _hurt," she says. "I'm really glad you came and told me what happened. I'm lucky that you care this much about my feelings and how this is affecting me, but _you're _hurt too. You can be mad because he hurt _you._"

"He hurt me by going after you too. It's _both _our names plastered all over the school for everyone to see. He said he didn't know what she was going to do with the notebook, but that's no excuse."

"Maybe he didn't realize the impact of what he was doing," Lily says. "When I'm angry or upset or whatever, it can be hard to see anything else. All I can think about is responding. I'm trying to work on it, but..."

This is, in a way, a bit like everything she's thought about since prom. To everyone else, the answer looks easy. The answer may be right in front of her, but it's blocked by something she's having trouble seeing past. Uncertainty stares her in the face and, so far, she's blinked.

Her talks with Sirius and Remus, the start of her speech draft, everything she's over-thought again and again. It feels like the brink of something.

But this isn't the time for her own realizations or growth. This isn't about her. James is hurting. She's the person here with him, the person he chose to tell.

She has to do what she can to help.

"That doesn't make it okay. What he did _isn't _okay," she continues. "Peter and Hannah, they underestimated us. We're down, but we're not out, James. I won't let them win. I won't let anyone who hurts you this way win."

For a moment, she can visibly see him contemplating taking her hand. Her heart soars when he gives in and takes it. "Same goes for me. I won't let them, _either _of them, get away with hurting you," he says.

He doesn't hold her hand as intimately as before. There's no thumb running over her knuckles, no lacing of fingers. It's just her hand placed in his, but it's _something_.

It's a touch that ignites a spark of hope within her.

No matter what title they chose to give the other person, fake or not, they're always going to be _something _to one another. More than friends. More than a fake relationship. She's his Lily and he's her James. No matter what they call their relationship, that's what they will always be to each other.

"So," he says, "what are we going to do about this, Evans?"

"I don't know," she admits.

Despite her answer, Lily feels better than she has in days. She doesn't need an immediate plan to know that they're going to figure it out. Somehow. Some way. Like when they were kids, anything is possible when her hand is in his.

"We're going to hold our heads high," she decides. "We aren't going to let them make us smaller than we are. It's our senior year too. We deserve to enjoy it. I don't want to look back and regret missing moments with our friends because we were sulking."

"Sounds like a plan," he says. "Though, can we sulk for a little bit? At least in private? Preferably with some ice cream?"

"Of course," she replies quickly, a weight lifting from her heart. "Ice cream is a must during a good sulk. I don't know what Mom has in the fridge. I'll check, but we can get something too. Times like these count as certified ice cream emergencies."

Lily is smiling and she doesn't do anything to hide it. She doesn't know how this will end or what she'll face when she walks into school again, but it doesn't matter. Uncertainty still looms large, but they - no matter what that entails - are an absolute certainty.

It makes her heart race in a pleasant way.

"Strap in, Evans. You've not partied until you've experienced a James Potter Pity Party. I hope you're ready to wallow until the early hours of the morning." Despite his words, he smiles for the first time all night. The way it's directed at her makes her heart race even more.

She grins. "I'll find the spoons."

* * *

A week goes by. While things don't necessarily go back to normal, a routine starts to form that is smoother and easier.

James starts to drive Lily to and from school again every day. He feels like an absolute jerk one particular morning when he spots her waiting by the curb for the bus.

It's not that he didn't drive her after their fake break up to be an actual jerk. He would never do anything of ill intention toward her. It was simply too hard to be around her those first few days.

People need space after a breakup, fake or not. He never experienced a break up before, but his heart told him that the feelings weren't as fake as their relationship. It needed time to put itself back together.

So he gave himself that space until he realized that he wanted Lily in his space as well. Until he felt like he could have her in the same space without feeling like he couldn't breathe. It had been quicker than he expected, but ice cream pity parties tend to heal most wounds.

Since the first morning when he told her to get in the car, it isn't odd for her to be back in the passenger's seat of his car, arguing with him over which Taylor Swift album they should be playing on the way.

"_It's clearly a Wildest Dreams morning, Evans," _he told her that morning. "_I've got an British Lit exam today that I'm only going to pass in my wildest dreams!"_

It isn't odd to walk her to class any longer, even if it _is _odd not to hold her hand. It's normal for them to eat lunch together daily, trading her pickles for his brownie. And it's normal to heckle her before a debate club meeting - for _being _in said debate club.

Which is what he's currently doing.

"I can't believe you're skipping a ride home with me and Taylor for debate club, Evans!" James says, grabbing the straps of his backpack so he doesn't reach for her hands. "It's _debate club. _Not only that, but it's the end of the year! What else is there to argue about?"

"Plenty," she answers with a grin. "Including, it seems, the merits of debate club. I can't flake because graduation is coming. The freshmen need someone to pass on their wisdom. And we have to clean out the evidence boxes."

"And you're going to have snacks without me," he adds, pointing to the large Tupperware of baked goods in her hands. "You should be ashamed."

"You make better cookies," she counters, "so you probably don't even want these. Mom told me I could use up the raisins. They don't even have chocolate in them."

"Ugh, _raisins? _If it weren't the end of the year, you'd get kicked off the team, Evans. Come on."

James knows he's likely shamelessly flirting, but it also feels natural to talk to Lily like this.

Maybe she's even flirting back, but he can't tell.

The door opens to the debate room, and a small sophomore with curly dark hair pops her head out into the hallway. "Everyone is ready, Lily," she says, almost nervously. Her wide eyes dart between the pair of them.

"I'll be right there. Can you take these for me?" Lily passes off the plastic container to the other girl, who ducks back into the room, and looks to him again. "I'll let you pick the Taylor era in the car tomorrow morning. Maybe I can even talk Mom into making her blueberry muffins and bring some for breakfast."

"Sounds fantastic," he says, feeling a million times brighter. "I hope you're ready for the entire _1989_ album tomorrow."

"Can't wait." Lily opens the door. Over her shoulder, she adds, "I'll get someone to take me home, so you don't have to be worried. Drive safe."

"See you, Evans."

The walk to his car isn't nearly as dreadful as it was a week ago. His steps don't feel as heavy. The last copies of their fake relationship contract has been cleared out so he can actually see the hallways he's walked for the last four years. He's attempting to memorize them before everything officially ends.

In a week, everything here is going to end and everything at TASU is going to begin. It's exciting and frightening at the same time. As is much of life, he suspects.

Things may not be ending the way he wanted them, with him and Lily together officially. But they're ending with them still in each other's lives, and he supposes that is the way it should be. Maybe it's the only way it ever should have been.

They may love each other, but they're shit at timing and getting it right.

It's a slightly depressing thought. One that he attempts to shake as he opens his car door, sliding into the driver's seat.

And nearly screams when there's already a person in his car.

"It's okay if you scream. Lily already told me how high pitched it is," says the person next to him.

_Mary. _

Mary has snuck into his car. She's casually applying a coat of mascara in his mirror as if she belongs there.

"Jesus Christ, Mary!" He clutches his heart, feeling it race. "What are you doing here?"

"Getting a ride home," she replies, as if that was obvious. She caps her mascara and stows it in her bag. "Start driving, Potter. We need to talk."

It takes him a moment to get his wits about him before he can actually remember how to start a car. Mary has always slightly scared him, but this is a whole new level. Thank goodness she didn't hide in the back of the car and then pop up when he was going down the road. He would have totaled his poor car.

"You could have asked me, you know. Not sat inside my car, waiting to scare the shit out of me," he grumbles. "What do you want to talk to me about? Is it how to make friends? Because this isn't it."

"I have friends, thank you. You're one of them, whether you accept that yet or not." She uses the lever on the side of her seat to lower the back. "What's going on with you and Lily?"

"What do you mean?" he asks. He backs up the car and feels his guard go up over not being able to keep a good eye on her for five seconds. As if she could possibly do something more to spook him. "Where do you live, anyway? Or do you want me to drop you off at Lily's house so you can sit in the darkness until she gets home?"

"Turn right," she instructs simply, slipping on a pair of sunglasses and leaning back in her seat. "You two have been different. Hannah posts your dirty laundry all over the school, and a few days later you're laughing at lunch like it never happened? I get not wanting to let her win, but you could barely look at each other after prom." She pushes the sunglasses up her nose. "Lily won't say much about it, so I have to ask you."

"Lily and I are friends. We've always been friends," he says. He feels like he's in the hot seat under interrogation, and he needs to be careful. Mary's scary enough to extract things from him that he isn't sure he wants to share. "Whatever happened between us at prom, it's not going to get in the way of that. She's been my best friend since we were kids."

"Sirius is your best friend. Lily is _my _best friend. The two of you are…" Mary makes a vague gesture that James can't interpret. "I mean, you can have more than one best friend, I _guess_. And I'm glad you aren't being a jerk who thinks the 'friendzone' is a real thing, because I'd have to end you. But you two aren't meant to be best friends."

The words _I know _are on the very tip of his tongue, but he bites them back down. He can't admit that. Admitting it is like submitting defeat. It's like acknowledging that he's lost at something.

He's never been the type of person to lose gracefully, but with Lily…

He'd rather have something than nothing at all.

"Lily doesn't _want _to be something else," he says. "She made that pretty clear. So we're… whatever this is right now."

"Lily _wants _to be something else," Mary insists. She looks at her nails, but it almost looks like a performance. "But she's Lily. She has to overthink things enough that they eventually feel like her idea, even though I've been telling her the answer this whole time. Did she think about things this much when you were kids?"

"Oh yeah," he says with a fond laugh. "She overthought _everything. _And I didn't think through things at all, of course. We were quite the pair."

"That tracks," Mary responds with a half-scoff, half-laugh. "You can both be disasters for the opposite reasons. You need each other for balance."

"Lily doesn't want me for balance. Or maybe she does, but she doesn't _want _to want me," he says, sighing. "If that makes sense. I made things too complicated. I asked for too much."

"Lily is…" Mary lets out a sigh and drops her hand. "Lily's one of my favorite people in the world. I'd do anything to make her happy. No matter what she says or what she tells herself, _you _make her happy." She looks at him, but he can't see her entire expression behind her sunglasses. "This whole semester... It's like she finally gave herself permission to be herself. Like she finally became okay with the rest of the world knowing the Lily I've known since freshman year. I don't think that's entirely a coincidence."

James takes a moment to consider this. To consider Lily hiding part of herself, the part he has known since they were small children, away from everyone else.

It's exhausting, he thinks. Probably as exhausting as feeling like you're missing part of yourself for four years.

"I can't push for more than she's willing to give me. I want more. Trust me, I want more, but I can't push her to give me more."

"I get that. I'd be breaking into your car for an entirely different reason if you were trying to force her to do anything." Mary sits back in her seat and lets her head fall back. "Lily's stubborn and scared of change, but she has the biggest heart. I guess I'm trying to say... Give her a chance to figure it out."

He bites back telling her that he knows Lily is all those things, because he's known her much longer than Mary. But Mary isn't here to flaunt her best friend status, and she's not here only for Lily. She's here for him too.

He's been so consumed with keeping everything inside and not talking to anyone that he's become a bit hardened. A bit on edge. He doesn't have to be that way around Mary. She's here purely out of good intentions. Even if she has strange methods.

"If it's time she needs to figure things out, then time is what she'll get," he says. "Time is all I've got. I'm just… I'm low on hope right now, you know?"

"She'll figure it out," Mary repeats, though he wonders if she's also convincing herself. She drums her fingers on the armrest. "Turn left up here. I'm the third house."

James blinks. He forgot that he was supposed to be focused on taking Mary home in the first place. Once again, his thoughts have been so consumed with Lily that he can't see his surroundings. It should be concerning how often that happens.

"Listen, I need to ask you something. I'm only asking because I don't want to bring it up to Lily and risk upsetting her," he says, pulling to a stop in front of her house. "And you're… you know. _You. _You have your ways of knowing what's going on around the school."

"What do you want to know?"

"Hannah," he says, simply. He knows how seriously Mary takes the topic the moment she places her sunglasses on the top of her head to look at him fully. "And, I guess, Peter. Do you know if they're planning anything? Hannah, in particular. She's been so quiet lately. She hasn't done anything after the notebook, but I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Peter has been practically hanging off her social ladder, and, frankly, I'm surprised she's letting him. Unless he has something else to offer her."

"I've wondered the same thing. She doesn't usually let people stay around out of the goodness of her heart. They need to have something to offer her." Mary taps her finger on the console. "She's running out of time, so she could really do anything."

"You don't think she'd plan to do something at graduation, do you?"

Mary looks offended at the thought. "She better not. That's about more than whatever grudge she has against you for not letting her win some plastic crown. It's _graduation_."

"Lily wants to play the higher road card to not let them see that they're getting to us. Which I get. I honestly do," James says, sighing and running a hand through his hair. "But I feel like Hannah's not going to stop until someone puts her in her place, because she's _Hannah. _She's the toughest kid on the playground until someone else knocks her down. It would take an awfully bigger kid to do that. Someone more like Hannah. And Lily… She's the exact opposite. She's sunshine."

"You're right," Mary agrees. "Someone has to show Hannah that she can't mess with you and Lily. Someone has to tell her…" She cocks her head to the side. "Who do we know who is most like Hannah? Who can really knock her down a peg?"

A sudden thought occurs to him. It's almost like lightning, how fast it hits. It leaves his skin tingling from the aftershock of it all.

He knows _exactly _who is like Hannah. Who is the type of person that can be the bigger bitch in any room and knock Hannah off her high horse for Lily's sake.

If she cares enough to do so, that is.

And he thinks she does. He _knows _she does, whether or not she wants to admit it.

James turns to Mary, grinning. "I think I may know just the person."


	20. Look What You Made Me Do

**A/N: Hey everyone! One more chapter to go after this one and then we have an epilogue! Don't forget to comment and follow us on tumblr (alrightginger and women-inthe-sequel) if you aren't already!**

**Chapter Twenty: Look What You Made Me Do **

"_I don't like your perfect crime, how you laugh when you lie."_

One of the last places Lily expected to be on the Sunday before graduation was a boutique clothing store. She thought she pretty much got her chance with those when she bought her dress for prom.

In an even stranger turn of events, perhaps the last person she expected to spend it with was her sister. Willingly, at least. They live in the same house and see each other often enough. Still, Lily can count on one hand the number of times Petunia has actually _asked _to spend time with her in the last year.

When she came into Lily's bedroom that morning, she wouldn't take no for an answer.

Petunia has a way of getting what she wants when she sets her mind to it. That is why Lily finds herself standing in the middle of a small shop, looking around in a state of disbelief. Unlike some upscale stores, this one doesn't go for a minimalist design. There are racks everywhere.

"Don't look so sour," Petunia says, shuffling through a few dozen pastel dresses.

Lily didn't know she looked _anything_, but she plasters on a smile in any case.

Petunia makes a face and goes back to the rack. "Don't be creepy either."

"Well, what do you want?" Lily asks, a little defensive. "You're the one who practically demanded that we go shopping for a dress no one is even going to see. I'm wearing a gown over it."

"You are not wearing that old thing that looks like a baptism gown."

"I like lace," Lily argues. "What does it matter -"

"Look at that rack," Petunia instructs, pointing to one that is full of white dresses. "You can rewear it if you decide to pledge in the fall."

Lily sighs but starts to sort through the row of white sundresses. None of them are really her style, but then again, this entire place is not really her style.

It's frilly and expensive and so… Petunia.

"Stop curling your nose up," Petunia calls to her. "I can see you, you know."

"I'm looking, I'm looking." Lily sighs for dramatic effect and puts a dress over her arm. If she tries something on, Petunia might let her out of whatever this is. This doesn't need to last all day. She can go back to important things like putting the final touches on what she's going to say for her speech at graduation.

"Can I help you with something?"

Lily looks up at the sickeningly sweet - and familiar - voice on the other side of the store. She self-consciously takes a step to the side so the rack will partially hide her. Through the dresses, she sees Petunia straighten when the shop attendant walks over to her and offers a wide smile.

_Hannah _works here.

Despite her best efforts to act like what Hannah did doesn't phase her, Lily's whole posture tightens at the sight of the other girl. Most of the evidence is gone, but the damage has been done. She might need a few more pity parties with James before she forgets about it.

Petunia purses her lips, a signature move of hers that Lily knows but Hannah likely does not. Lily knows it because she's lived all her life with her sister and has seen it many times through the years.

Petunia is annoyed with Hannah already. But why?

"Yes, I think you probably can," says Petunia, using her overly polite voice. She looks Hannah directly in the eyes, something she does to make people submit to her.

"_Be a strong enough bitch to look a person in the eyes while you tear their heart out, Lily," _Petunia told her once when she was too young to properly understand.

She's seeing that in action now though.

To Lily's horror and fascination, Petunia's lips curl into a smile artificially sweet enough to rival Hannah's tone. "Lily!" she calls, never taking her eyes off Hannah. "Get over here, please!"

It's another layer in the already strange situation where she didn't think she would find herself. Lily resists the urge to send an SOS text to James. He wouldn't have time to rescue her, though, even in his fancy sports car. Petunia works fast.

Instead, she steps out from behind the rack, intent on keeping her chin high. As soon as Hannah turns to see her, Lily realizes that it's much easier to look like Hannah doesn't affect her when James is doing the same thing beside her.

But she doesn't let her chin drop.

"What is it?"

"Don't be shy. Come here." Petunia practically yanks her so Lily stands next to her, Petunia's tone never faltering. "I believe you know my sister, Lily," Petunia says to Hannah.

Lily must be imagining things, because it feels like Petunia is towering over them both, even though she's only two inches taller than Lily. It must be the effect she has on a room. The ability to make herself taller than she actually is. The ability to make people look up to her, to make them feel smaller than her.

It's almost worth years of feeling that way around her sister when she sees Hannah get her first dose of it. Lily swears the other girl visibly shrinks in front of them.

Petunia is six feet tall, and Hannah looks like a bug about to be crushed.

"Hi, Hannah," Lily says, because she knows it's what her sister wants her to say. She hasn't had control of his situation from the beginning, so she doesn't try to steal the reins from Petunia. "I, um, didn't know you worked here."

"Just for the summer," Hannah answers, a false smile in place. "Until I leave for college in August."

Lily glances over to Petunia, hoping for some clue as to why she called her over here. She hasn't told Petunia about what happened at school, so she shouldn't know about that.

She doesn't exactly want to give Hannah the chance to tell her anything. Really, she was hoping to make it through the rest of her high school career Hannah-free.

"Well, this is nice and cozy, isn't it?" Petunia chirps, looking between the two of them so her ponytail whips around, narrowly missing Hannah's face. "This whole store is just so _nice. _You know, I pass it everyday on my way to school and have never stopped. So when Lily needed a graduation dress, I thought this would be the perfect opportunity. Not just for the dress, but to introduce myself to you."

She takes a step closer to Hannah, who in turn steps backwards and straight into a clothing rack, nearly knocking it over. "Consider us introduced," Hannah says, catching the rack before it falls. "I never got a real chance to talk to you before you graduated."

Lily starts to realize that Petunia has a goal other than torturing her with dress shopping. What she can't figure out is _why_. If she wanted to annoy Lily, she would have already done it. Hannah wouldn't be backing away like she's the one being cornered.

"Maybe this isn't really my kind of store, Petunia," Lily says quietly. "Let's go to the mall. I'll get us mani-pedis to celebrate the end of the year."

"No, no. We're staying here, Lily, until I've handled this," says Petunia, holding a hand up to silence her. For the first time in her life, Lily doesn't argue with it. When Petunia speaks again, she's speaking directly to Hannah and there's ice dripping in her voice. "I need you to know who I am. Who I _really _am. You see that girl right there?"

Petunia points a pretty finger at Lily and Hannah can only nod.

"I may be a lot of things, Hannah Holiday," Petunia continues. "Blonde, a former prom princess, a bigger bitch than you will ever be… But let's get one thing straight. I am, and will always be, her big sister above all those things. So when I heard that you were making _my _sister's life a living hell, weeks before her graduation, all because you couldn't handle losing a _plastic crown _to her? I decided it was time to make myself known to you."

Somehow, Lily must have dropped into a dream. There's no way that Petunia is saying these things in front of her. There's no way she's defending Lily for something that should have annoyed her. Lily's eyes have to be as wide as Hannah's. They're both frozen and staring at Petunia like they've never seen anything like her.

She hasn't. Lily can't remember seeing Petunia like this. She can't remember the last time Petunia stood up for her in little ways, let alone like this. Let alone in front of someone else.

The picture she has of Petunia in her mind is of the girl who shoos Lily out of the room when her friends come over. The girl who hangs on Vernon's arm when he comes by to get her for a date. The girl who rolls her eyes when Lily insists on something or argues passionately.

She doesn't picture a girl with sparks in her eyes. A girl who is putting herself in front of Lily and somehow knows about what happened since prom.

"I…" Hannah starts, clearly searching for _anything _to say. "I didn't -"

"Please. Don't even try to deny it." Petunia motions for Hannah to shut her mouth.

Lily can't stifle the shocked giggle that escapes her lips.

"You left evidence all over the school. I mean, how stupid can you be? Don't answer that, because clearly you don't know. I wanted to make it clear to you that if you do _anything _to my sister for the rest of the school year, if you so much as step one botched pedicured toe out of line, I will do everything within my power to make you regret it. And, trust me, whatever mediocre game you've been playing with Lily? You're not even in my same league. I. Will. Ruin. You." She smiles demurely, but they all know Petunia has fangs. "Do I make myself clear?"

A shiver goes down Lily's spine on Hannah's behalf.

"Perfectly," Hannah manages. She folds her hands together, the color drained from her face. "Is there..." Her eyes flicker toward the back of the store, clearly hoping to slink away.

"Two more things. First," says Petunia, holding out her hand, "give me the notebook."

"What -"

"Honey, I know you. I'm the better version of you. I know you're carrying that notebook around, possibly making little burn notes in it." Lily can tell Petunia is rolling her eyes. It makes her chest swell. "Go get the book. Now."

Hannah hesitates, debating what her next move should be.

Eighteen years as Petunia's sister makes Lily know that resistance won't get her very far. When Petunia is getting her way, when she's in her element like this, she doesn't give an inch.

"Fine," Hannah says. She crosses her arms. "I have to go into the break room for it. What's the other thing?"

"You're going to give my sister an employee discount on this dress," says Petunia, taking the dress from Lily and draping it over Hannah's shoulder. "All things considered, it's the least you can do."

Lily hasn't even tried the dress on, but she's not going to say _that_. Instead, she's going to stand in a state of awe, not completely believing what is happening. She'll find a way to wear the dress, even if it's a size too small.

Hannah grabs the dress with extra force and turns on her heel, her hair swinging with her. She marches to the back of the store and lets a door slam shut behind her.

Lily can't even look at her sister.

A short while later, she comes out with James' notebook in one hand and a paper shopping bag in the other. She shoves both of them at Lily, who takes them without a word.

"I used the store card," she explains, her eyes on Petunia. "Is that good enough for you, princess?"

Part of Lily has to admire Hannah's sheer nerve.

"It's perfect," says Petunia, not phased by Hannah's bite. Lily can tell it bothers Hannah, the way she can't quite sink her claws into Petunia. "By the way, that shade of blush is doing nothing for your complexion. You should go with more of a bronze color. You look constantly hot with the pink you're using."

She adjusts her sunglasses and snaps her finger in Lily's direction. "Let's go, Lily." She turns, Hannah glowering after her.

Unlike nearly every other time when Petunia has told her what to do, Lily listens immediately. "Have a good day, Hannah," she says. "Congrats on graduation." She hurries after Petunia, because her proud strut has her nearly out of the store before Lily can catch up to her.

"What was that?" Lily asks as the door swings shut. She almost has to jog to keep up with her sister. "Petunia, what was -?"

"Oh, don't look at me like that," says Petunia. How is she going so fast in heels? "If you don't like the dress, I'll take it. It'll probably look better on me, anyway."

"_Tuney_," Lily insists. The prickle of annoyance is oddly comforting since the last few minutes have taken her so far out of her depth. "This isn't about the dress. What was that back there?"

"Come on, Lily. What do you think that was? That girl has been giving you grief for a while now. Why didn't you tell me what was happening? I could have put a stop to this months ago."

"Because _you _were giving me grief until about five minutes ago!"

"I don't give you grief," says Petunia, stopping at her car and swinging the door open. "I build your character. There's a difference."

"You think that's what that is?" Lily stops by the passenger side but talks over the car instead of opening the door. She hugs the notebook to her chest like a security blanket. "You make everything hard. You let your boyfriend act like I'm less than nothing. You try to embarrass me at every chance you get. How is that 'building my character?'"

"I don't - I don't mean to make everything hard. Not on purpose." She's looking past Lily. Even though she's still wearing her sunglasses, Lily can see the crease in her forehead. "It's just that… Do you know how hard it is to be your sister sometimes? To have to compare myself to you every single day?"

"Compare yourself to _me_?" Lily has to mentally remind herself to keep her jaw from hitting the floor. "_You're _mom's favorite. You're the one with an engagement ring. You're the one who decided I was too nerdy to associate with at school. In your world, it looks pretty easy to compare yourself to me."

Has she woken up in a backwards land? Has nostalgia from Lily's impending graduation hit her sister so hard that she turned into this altered version of Petunia?

"Come on, Lily. You're the perfect child. You've gotten straight A's since you started school. Mom doesn't have to worry about you at all. You're going to go far and do things, and I'm…" She gestures at herself, letting her hand fall. "I'm _me. _I'm going to be in this town for the rest of my life, and you're going to be… wherever life takes you. Away from me, probably, like it always does."

She slides into the car, leaving Lily standing there, gaping after her.

When Petunia turns the key, Lily moves, jerking herself out of her stunned stupor. She opens the door and gets in, still holding onto the bag and notebook. She can't imagine letting go of it anytime soon.

"I thought you wanted me gone," Lily says, staring out the windshield. She doesn't know if she can trust herself to face Petunia right now. "You always talk about getting married and doing everything you can't do with me around. You should be _glad _I won't be living at home next year. I can't get in your way."

"I don't talk about those things because I want you gone," says Petunia. "It's just… ugh. How can we experience the same thing, but because we're two different people, we have two different perspectives?"

Lily turns, actually looking at her sister. This feels like the beginning of one of the only real conversations they have had in the last few years. "What's _your _perspective?"

"I didn't stop hanging out with you because you were weird. Or _are _weird, currently. Whatever. I didn't stop hanging out with you at all. It was _you _that stopped hanging out with _me."_

Lily nearly laughs. As always, Petunia wants to repaint their history. "That's not how I remember it. You never wanted to hang out with me or anyone I invited to the house. You would make all these comments and act like James was going to destroy the house. Like you were so much better than him every time he came over. Then, when he was gone, you'd make fun of me for not knowing something about boys or crushes or _whatever_."

"I made those comments because I was jealous! Because you stopped doing things with me because of James!"

"I did not! James has been my friend since we were _babies_. He didn't _replace _you. You were there the whole time, acting like you were too good for me!"

It seems so obvious to Lily. She had one friend who knew her, and Petunia needed to push her down. What Petunia is saying _can't _be true.

When Lily and James fell apart, Petunia wasn't jumping back in to take a mythical place. She was distant and cold. She didn't even acknowledge Lily when they passed each other in the high school hallways.

"It was like he was your entire world. You couldn't see past him. Sometimes I still don't think you can see past him, Lily."

"What does that even mean? I finally have him back, and that's important to me. You should be _happy _for me."

Petunia turns to look at her. To really look at her. Unlike with Hannah, Lily doesn't shrink back. "Do you have him back? I mean, really? Do you have him in the way that you want him?"

"That's - that's not -"

Apparently, her emotions have been plastered across her face, if Petunia noticed. Lily has been under the impression that Petunia tries to see as little of her as possible.

"What I want doesn't matter," Lily says. "I'm… figuring things out. I can't mess things up again."

"I may not be as smart as you, but I'm not stupid. I know you love that boy. I know the entire relationship has been fake, but what you feel for him is anything but fake."

"I know that," Lily snaps.

There's really no point hiding it anymore. She's told him as much.

Lily loving James isn't the problem.

"I don't want to let him down," Lily says.

Until the words are out, she doesn't fully realize how true they are. Any time she gets close to something new with him, a wave of inadequacy hits. She's afraid of breaking them, but she's also afraid of breaking James' idea of her.

Is he going to want to be there on the days when it's hard to breathe, even if they never go away? If they fight, will he want to run away because she's unreasonable? When things get hard, will she not be enough to make him want to stay?

"What if I'm not… enough?"

_Like I wasn't enough for you._

"Lily," says Petunia. "You're always more than enough. God, sometimes I think maybe you're too much. You're allowed to exist and take up space, even if sometimes you take up so much space. Particularly _my _space. Part of taking up space is allowing your worries to do so as well. It's allowing them air to breathe so they don't become monsters trapped inside of you."

Lily has never been able to put it into words. The way something starts small but then feels too big for her to handle, so she shoves it away. The way nearly every decision is followed by wondering if she did the right thing. Petunia, who she always assumes would be one of the last people to understand her, manages to do so.

She has had so much trapped inside her without letting it out.

"I thought you… resented me. Resented the space I took up. Resented the way you couldn't have things to yourself because you had a little sister hanging around. I thought I was somehow such a bother that -" She makes herself release the death-grip she has on the shopping bag. "That you didn't want me to be your sister."

"For someone so smart, you sure are stupid, Lily," says Petunia with a small laugh. "I could never resent you. You're my sister. I wish that sometimes I took up as much space as you. That I allowed myself to take up as much space, I guess. For a long time, I felt like I couldn't take up any more space because you claimed all of it, that I couldn't grow in the same plot as you. That's something I'm working on. I've been going to therapy, you know."

"You -"

_You've always taken up space_, she wants to say. She doesn't mean it as negatively as it sounds. Lily has always felt small next to Petunia. Petunia gets what she wants - what she says she wants, anyway - and doesn't appear to stop for anyone. She makes her voice loud enough to force people to listen.

Lily, who has always felt like the flower stuck under her shadow, has managed to make Petunia feel the same way. And she didn't even realize it. Clearly, Petunia didn't either.

"I always wanted you to have space in my life. I never -" Lily pauses to consider Petunia's admission. She adds, "How is it? Does it… help?"

Petunia nods slowly. "It does. I started going after dad - after he died. And I just… kept going. There's been _a lot _to work through."

They live in the same house, and Lily didn't know. How much more of her sister does she not know?

Lily always thought she was weak because getting up every day was hard. That something was wrong with her because she wanted to talk when no one else did. She saw Petunia taking charge and let her. Petunia, she thought, always wanted to be in charge.

She realizes, maybe four years too late, that Petunia was also doing the best she could. That her struggle, like Lily's, was mostly behind closed doors. That when Lily shut people like James out, maybe Petunia was doing the same.

"I think I should start to go too," Lily answers. She almost winces at her making the conversation about herself. Isn't that the problem? Petunia has felt like she couldn't grow next to her. "I mean, I'm - I'm really glad it helps, Tuney. I always want you to be happy."

"I am happy. For the first time in a long time, I'm really happy," says Petunia. "I feel better about myself. And Vernon… I know you don't understand him or us. But he makes me happy, Lily. He makes me _so happy _I could burst. He loves me for me. All the hard edges. All the flaws. He loves those the most." She turns to look at her, to _fully _look at her, and Lily feels like they're really seeing each other for the first time in years.

"I'm happy for you," Lily says for the first time since Vernon came to their house to be introduced as Petunia's boyfriend. "You deserve someone who loves everything about you. Who would do anything to make you happy. Who thinks you're the greatest person in the universe. If that's him… I'm really happy for you."

"Don't you want someone who can love you the same way?"

If anyone had told her on Christmas Eve that she would potentially be comparing James Potter to Vernon Dursley…

"Of course," she answers quietly. "Of course I do."

If this conversation with Petunia taught her anything, it showed her that the things she knew with certainty might not have really been known.

She has lived with the burden of being unwanted by her sister when it wasn't even true. She has lived with thinking she was abandoned when she maybe had a part in that too. She has let herself think that people will leave her without warning when they've stuck by her side. She thought she was weak when she was trying her best with what she had.

For one of the first times, Lily thinks she might be okay with not _knowing_. If she couldn't know the things that felt so real, is this any different?

She knows James loves her.

She knows she loves him.

She knows he's the type to stand by her, even when both of their hearts are beating and bleeding in front of them. That he's one of the people she wants to go to when everything else is too hard. That he's usually the first person she thinks of when she has news to share.

They know what being apart is like. The four years without each other taught her that she doesn't want to live without him, no matter what. If he feels a fragment of that, if he feels like he says he does…

"I already found someone," Lily admits.

"Then you should be with him, Lily," says Petunia, almost fiercely. "Really, truly be with him. My therapist told me one of the bravest, most courageous things we can do is shoot for love _because _we know the risk of it all. And you and me? We understand that risk better than anyone else. But we also understand the reward. Dad was - _is _\- worth loving. No matter how much it hurts. Isn't James the same way?"

Petunia, more than anyone else, knows the weight of what she's saying. Everyone else has been sincere. Everyone else has told her the best advice they know, but Petunia knows what this feels like.

She knows loss and the scar it leaves.

Even though it hurts, Lily never wants to forget about their dad. She doesn't want to forget how much she loved and still loves him. She doesn't want to forget the time they had together, even though it was far too short.

All of it is still real, even if he's not here anymore.

If Petunia can be happy, if she can trust someone else to try to make it work, if she can put her heart in someone else's hands… Why can't Lily?

James is worth loving, Lily thinks. He's worth loving, even when it hurts.

"I can't imagine loving anyone else the way I love James. I can't think of anyone else I would rather be with than him." Lily reaches across the gear shift to take her sister's hand for the first time since… since she can't even remember. "If the thought of being without him hurts this much, have I just been putting myself through that now for sure instead of maybe later?"

"You've always been pretty dense for someone in AP classes," says Petunia, giving her hand a squeeze so there's no real malice behind the word. Is this teasing? Is this what having a sister should be like?

"Maybe a little," Lily agrees, fueled by the faint sparkle in Petunia's eyes.

"There's still time to fix things with him. Do you have a plan? That's sort of our specialty, you know. Planning things to the last detail."

Petunia knows her better than she thought. Maybe they have more in common than she ever knew.

"I have to tell him. Even if he doesn't want to be us like that anymore, he deserves to know. Deserves to know that I love him and want…" Lily struggles for a word to cover what she wants.

She wants his laugh and good days. She wants his arm around her shoulders and the easy way he kisses her. She wants to drive away with him and embarrass themselves in front of their friends. She wants everything they had for the last few months, but she wants it all to be real.

But she doesn't only want the good things. She wants to have him with her when she's sad. She wants to be unafraid of letting him see her cry. She wants all of his complications and to be there for him when he needs someone.

"Everything," Lily says. "I want everything."

"Then you should tell him. You have nothing to worry about. God knows, that boy is crazy over you." Petunia lets go of her hand to start the car, adjusting her mirror as she backs up. "He's the one who told me about Hannah."

"You talked to James?"

Of everything they've talked about, _this_ might be the most shocking. Petunia and Lily occasionally find common ground, but Lily can't remember Petunia ever having a completely voluntary conversation with James. Not a pleasant one, anyway.

"It's more like _he _talked to _me. _He texted me asking for my help. Of course, I had to interrogate him to find out what's been going on with my own sister's life the past five months. He told me that the relationship had been fake in the first place."

"We -" Lily tries to interrupt, but Petunia waves her off.

"I mean, I practically had to twist his arm, but I needed all the facts before I could take Hannah down." She shakes her head. "Honestly, Lily. You could have done anything in the world to get my attention, and you chose to make James your fake boyfriend? Shouldn't that have been an eye opener?"

"I didn't know I still liked him like that," Lily says, her face getting a little hot. "I thought dating him would annoy you the most. That I needed him to get what I wanted. That, even if it didn't work, I would get my friend back."

"Lily, you were hardly around me the entire time you dated him! You spent every waking moment with him," says Petunia, laughing.

"We didn't -"

"How are you supposed to annoy me if you're not around? I saw you like twice the entire time you were 'fake' dating James." She takes her hands off the steering wheel to emphasize the word fake with air quotes. Lily quickly grabs it as they start to veer slightly to the right. "I mean, honestly."

"Don't kill us before I can tell him," Lily replies, cheeks warm, as Petunia straightens the car on the road. "We kissed in the driveway after our first date. You saw that, because you were yelling at me to come inside. And in the kitchen, when you yelled about the mess! I was trying to annoy you."

Was she, really?

"So you kissed him? You literally could have done _anything, _but you chose to kiss him. More than once, mind you."

_More than once when no one was looking too_, her mind helpfully reminds her. They were acting the part of a committed couple, even when there was little chance of anyone seeing them.

Somehow, she doesn't think Petunia will buy the 'it was fun' excuse.

"So I figured out that I liked kissing him. That I liked _him_," she allows. "I didn't know if he liked _me _that way. We had an agreement. I was letting a teenage boy kiss me! If I were in his place, would I really say no to that?"

"Come on, Lily! You don't keep kissing people you don't like! Plus, James has been in love with you since you were kids. He probably jumped at the chance to kiss you because it's _you." _

She pauses for a moment while Lily thinks over her words. James has admitted that much. He nearly yelled it at her during their dance at prom. If Petunia could see that...

When Petunia speaks again, her lips curve into a smile. "So. What kind of kisser is he?"

"Oh my God, Petunia!" Lily puts her hands up to block her face from Petunia's view. Her cheeks _have _to be red by now. "I can't talk to you about how my ex-fake boyfriend kisses!"

"Yes, you can!" Petunia says, almost cackling and reaching over to punch her in the arm like when they were kids. "Who else are you going to tell? _Mom?"_

"_No_," Lily answers. She shoves Petunia back out of instinct. "Absolutely not. That doesn't mean I want to compare kissing notes between James and Vernon!"

"It's not comparing. It's gossiping. There's a difference." Petunia rolls her eyes. "Fine, if you don't want to tell me about kissing him, please at least tell me you're practicing safe sex. Or will. If you haven't already."

"I have not slept with James!" Lily nearly shouts, sinking into the passenger seat. "Now that I know you don't hate me, do I have to come to you for advice about… _that?_"

"You should come to me if you have any questions. I know Mom and Dad gave us _the talk _years ago. But if you have any questions, you can always come talk to me. It would probably be less awkward than talking to Mom."

She can't picture wanting to talk to _either _of them about it. Honestly, it's a little hard to think about talking to _James_ about it.

Maybe she'll let herself go down a Google wormhole if she really needs to know something.

Though she is warmed by the idea that Petunia would be willing to talk about uncomfortable things with her.

"Fine," Lily agrees in true teenager fashion. "I'll come to you if I ever... yeah."

"Good," says Petunia. They're pulling into their driveway. She puts the car in park, looking over at Lily before opening the door. "You're good? You're going to be okay, right?"

"I'm going to be okay," Lily confirms after a beat. She gets out of the car, bringing the bag and James' notebook along with her. She stops in front of the hood and looks back at Petunia. "I think… I think I have an idea."

_If I could survive that part of the conversation_, Lily thinks, _I can do anything._


	21. Speak Now

**A/N: This is it! The LAST official chapter, yall! There will be an epilogue to follow next week! Let us know if you have any guesses for the song we chose for it ;) **

**Chapter Twenty One: Speak Now **

"_There's a silence, there's my last chance. I stand up with shaking hands, all eyes on me."_

If James' crown on prom night was a disaster, his graduation cap is a nightmare.

Honestly, does no one take into consideration unruly haired boys while making hats? He's likely going to have to borrow bobby pins from Lily to even get it to hold in place. It wouldn't be the first time he's had to do so.

His attempts with his graduation cap cease, and he looks at himself in the mirror with a deep sigh. He doesn't feel like someone who is two hours away from walking across a stage and receiving a diploma, but he certainly looks like one.

Everything is about to end. He isn't sure how he's supposed to feel about the whole thing.

It isn't the ending he wanted, not by a long shot. When he pictured graduation, it was with him and Lily standing together at the end, smiling at one another. They would kiss like one of those cheesy movies from the 1980s, and he would have gotten his girl.

In the end, he got the girl. Just not the way he hoped.

He cocks his head to the side, causing the hat to fall directly off his head. He's standing here, alone, with just his own reflection blinking back at him. Is this really the ending?

Just… him?

He almost feels like he's playing dress up as a wizard in his dad's old robe again, but the sleeves don't quite fit the right way, the way they land so far past his hands.

James groans as someone raps the annoying tune he's grown up with for eighteen years on his door.

"Come in, dad," he says, bending down to grab his cap. He chucks it on the bed and follows suit with himself a second later.

"What's my soon-to-be grad doing?" Fleamont says as he opens the door. He looks to the bed to see James. "Napping? Your mother is going to be upset if we're late."

"Not napping," answers James, looking up at his ceiling. "Wallowing in my own despair and angst."

"Well, that's no good. You have a whole summer of shirking responsibilities ahead of you," his father says, stepping into the room. "What's the cause for wallowing?"

"Dad," James says after a moment. He feels his dad's weight sink into the bed next to him. "I love Lily."

"I know." His dad shifts until he's laying beside him, probably also staring up at the ceiling. "Is that why you've been quieter this week? I noticed she was coming around again, but you aren't quite the same."

"It's… complicated. _Everything_ between the two of us is so complicated."

"What makes it complicated right now?"

James grabs his hair, tugging at it a bit and screwing his eyes shut. He hasn't been able to talk about Lily to anyone. At least, not anyone who didn't already know or wasn't Petunia. And she was literally twisting his arm behind his back to get the facts straight, and then _continuing _to twist it when she thought he had been taking advantage of her sister.

Petunia is scary and his arm painfully throbs at the thought of her. He's pretty sure he's got some bruising.

All of that aside, James hasn't really been able to talk to anyone. Now, though, he feels his guard go down around his dad, as it normally does.

"Lily and I…" James starts before stopping to swallow. How many stories has he told before that have started with those exact words? Would this be his last one? He tries again. "Lily and I were never really dating exactly."

"Exactly? What does that mean?"

"It was all fake." That's the hardest part to admit, isn't it? It feels like he's hit a crack in the story, and there's much more to mine through. "The entire relationship was fake. We had a contract and everything."

The second of silence feels long, but his dad doesn't let it sit. "You've been friends with that girl forever," Fleamont answers. "She came over with her mother as one of the first people to meet you when you were born. You may not have been 'really dating exactly,' but your _whole _relationship was certainly not fake."

James blinks. "That's true, I guess. I mean… I _know _it's true. I'm thankful to have her in my life no matter how it is, but I just -"

"Wanted something else?"

"Yes," he says. He feels so selfish admitting it. "I wanted something more. Something _not _fake. Does that make me a bad person?"

His dad turns his head toward him. "You're not a bad person, Jamie. You're in love."

"Then why do I feel like such a bad person? Why does it feel like nothing that I do is enough? I love her; she loves me. Why can't we be together? Why is everything so much harder than that?"

"Because life isn't a fairytale. It's hard. All the pieces don't fall exactly when we want them, and we have to deal with what we can. If you love each other… Who is to say that it won't happen? Or that you won't figure out a different thing that works for you?" Fleamont shifts onto his side. "It took awhile for your mother and I to get it right too. You still have a lot of time in your life and a lot of time with Lily ahead of you."

James keeps his eyes focused on the ceiling. He can feel his bottom lip start to tremble, and he knows if he looks at his dad now, he'll start to cry. "It feels like the end. I know it's not. Not technically. But it feels like it's the closing of a chapter. If I don't have Lily, then maybe I never will. If we couldn't make it work when we were fake dating, then how could we ever make it work for real?"

"I know it doesn't feel like it," his dad says, "but you're both so young. This chapter is closing, but you're starting a new one. An amazing one, knowing you. And I bet anything that Lily's going to be there, no matter what." James can feel him shrug but still refuses to look at him. "Maybe you need time. Maybe this is life making you wait until the perfect time for you."

"I'm too impatient for life and its timing. I want everything now. That's what's wrong with me."

"That's what makes you our Jamie," his dad says fondly. "You've been impatient your whole life. You came early and couldn't wait for the doctors to leave you alone so we could get a good look at you. We had to practically bribe you to stay asleep on Christmas Eve. It's what makes you go after what you want. Nothing is _wrong_ with you."

James has never considered his impatience a good thing before. It's something that has gotten him in trouble in the past for not being able to wait his turn for an activity. Something that his mother complained about while cleaning up one of his messes.

He never considered it something that drove him.

He frowns. "But Lily's not that way. She's careful and logical. Life to her is a puzzle, and she's slowly piecing it together. Whereas, I would have chucked it in the trash as soon as I got my first two mismatched pieces. She's my opposite."

"You've always had to meet in the middle with each other. It made you both better. Made you plan out your strategy to avoid trouble _and _go for it before you could change your mind. When you two hatched something together…" His dad chuckles. "You couldn't be stopped. She might not be doing everything at your pace right now, but that doesn't mean she won't get there."

"I guess so. Sometimes I wish she were as rash as me," he says but then shakes his head. "No, wait. That's not right. If she were rash, she wouldn't be Lily. If she were as impulsive as me, we would have probably ended up in the hospital several times as kids."

"Instead, Henry and I were usually able to patch you two up without going to the ER. Then you were right back to whatever you wanted to do that day." His father ruffles his hair. "I miss when I could solve all your problems for you."

"I miss it too," James admits so quietly he is surprised his dad hears him. But it's Fleamont, so he knows he does.

With a groan, Fleamont sits up. "I'm getting old. You're graduating and my joints hurt. Let's get you up before you wrinkle your gown too much."

"Ugh, do I have to?" he groans but sits up anyway. "Can't I just stay here a bit longer? Like preferably the entire day?"

"I almost skipped my medical school graduation," Fleamont says. "But your mother talked me out of it. I think she'll be more than happy to do the same to you if we don't make a good show. She needs a picture to add to the wall."

"_Fine," _James sighs, dramatically. "I'll be down soon. Give me a minute, okay?"

"Give her a good smile, and we'll go anywhere you and Sirius want for dinner. We can invite Lily and Remus." Fleamont stands and goes over to the door. "I'll go check on Sirius. He's at the beginning of the alphabet, so we need to make sure we're ready by the time they call his name."

"Make sure you knock!" James calls as his dad leaves the room. He hears his laugh echo down the stairs, so he knows Fleamont caught his meaning.

Picking up his cap and fluffing out his gown, James goes to stand back at his mirror. He's still the same as he was before. Unruly hair and a now slightly wrinkled gown he's likely to catch an earful for later from his mother.

But this time he's not alone.

Across the space between their bedroom windows, Lily is getting ready for the same event. Through her open curtains, he catches Lily out of the corner of his eye, doing the same thing as him in her own mirror. His head jerks towards her.

She notices him immediately, like she always does. She looks away from her mirror to smile and wave at him, her cap already perched on her head, before crossing her eyes in mock annoyance.

He laughs. He can't help himself.

Someone must call to her, because she glances over her shoulder and back to the mirror for a final look. He watches as she scribbles a note, hastily placing it on her window before waving goodbye to him. He returns her wave before reading her note.

_Make sure you don't miss my speech!_

* * *

Maybe this is a bad idea.

When Lily peeks out of the gym and catches a glimpse of the bleachers by the field, she can't help but think about it. Parents and family members fill most of the seats.

The crowds at debate tournaments are usually only other debaters who are waiting for their rounds. How does James ever do anything impressive in front of a crowd like this? He must have nerves of steel, while hers seem to be made of feathers.

Lily's eyes drift to the stage set up on the field. There's a few chairs for administrators, and there's the podium where she's going to stand to read the speech getting wrinkled in her hand. To the side, there are rows of chairs for the graduates.

The rest of her graduating class is in the gym with her, laughing with their friends and doing the finishing touches on their caps and gowns. Her stomach is in knots, though she hasn't been willing to admit that to anyone.

Maybe she should have thought about this more.

"Lily!" Mary warns, tugging on her sleeve to get her attention. "Are you trying to psych yourself out? Stop looking!"

Tearing her eyes away from the field, Lily lets the door close. "There are so many people out there. They're all going to be staring at me."

"Well, maybe you should have thought about that before you aced all those tests." Mary's grinning, so Lily knows she isn't being serious. "You're going to be fine, Lils. Would you really want to listen to someone else give a speech?"

The paper crinkles in her hand. "Can't Remus do it for both of us?"

"No, absolutely not," says Mary, fixing a stray string in Lily's tassel. "You deserve this. It's _your _moment. Your time to shine."

The spotlight has never been particularly comfortable on her shoulders. When they were kids, she happily let James be the more obvious, brash one. When Sirius joined them, she had someone else who was more than ready to take attention when she wasn't ready for it.

This is going to be the last thing most of their class remembers of her.

For three and a half of the last four years, she's been a more quiet, guarded version of herself. She's found comfort in a few people and didn't need her name to be plastered everywhere in the hallways.

The past semester changed that. Her name is on a new page in the yearbook under prom queen. There were still whispers about the notebook pages and the status of her relationship on her last day of classes. Most people will have a story to tell of her showing up at Hannah's party or fighting with James at prom.

But this is the last thing they'll see.

"My mom cried on the way over," Lily confesses. "She talked about how proud she was and how proud Dad would be and…" It was the first thing her mother said about her father in a long time, so she hadn't been quite ready for it. "I don't want to let anyone down, you know?"

"Lily, you could never let anyone down," says Mary, grabbing Lily's hand that isn't clutching her speech with both of hers. "I'm sure whatever you've got in that speech of yours is going to be amazing!"

She wants to believe Mary, but she knows part of it isn't true. "I have let some people down the past few weeks. But I… I want to fix it."

Mary opens her mouth to argue, but she is cut off by a frazzled-looking Ms. McGonagall snapping her fingers at them.

"Places, places!" Ms. McGonagall chides. "Ms. Evans, take your spot, please. It's almost time!"

Lily flattens her speech between her palms and gives Mary a tentative smile. She finds her spot in line, between the same two alphabetical students she sat next to since kindergarten. Benjy holds out his hand for a fist bump from his spot next to her, and she returns it.

There's a bit of pomp and circumstance before they get to her part. Maybe that will be long enough for her to get used to the crowd and what she wants to say in front of them. The music starts, and she's glad they don't make the valedictorian and salutatorian stand at the front of the line. She appreciates having someone's cap and swaying tassel to follow.

Also, thankfully, she didn't let Petunia talk her into wearing heels. She has enough reasons to trip over her own feet that she's glad for her white ballet flats.

They all get to their seats, standing and shifting in place while they wait for everyone else to file into their positions. Lily looks over her shoulder toward the middle of the alphabet. Mary grins and strikes a pose that makes her laugh. When she looks down a few more places, she stops.

James' cap is threatening to fall from the precarious position he's managed to make it claim on his head. As ridiculous as everyone looks in a graduation cap and gown, Lily thinks he's managed to take her breath away.

She must be really far gone.

Lily lifts her hand in a small wave, unconsciously crumpling her speech again in her other hand. Debate prepared her by making her practice it a few dozen times in the mirror until it was basically memorized, so the paper is a back-up.

When she turns back to the front, Principal Dumbledore is instructing everyone to sit. She listens along with the rest of the class and uses the introductions to search the crowd for her mother and sister. She misses them on her first scan because Petunia's face is hidden by a camera. Vernon is sitting next to her with their mother on her other side, but she's intently focused on whatever she's seeing in her lens.

Lily looks down at herself, realizing it's _her _that is causing her sister to pay attention.

A bud of confidence sprouts in her chest. They haven't completely fixed whatever broke between them all of those years ago, but they're closer than they ever have been. She knows that her sister cares about her and is at least a little proud of who she is, even if she doesn't know how to say it.

Her phone buzzes from the pocket of her dress. She hadn't even realized the dress Hannah practically gave her _had _pockets when she brought it home. She immediately decided to keep it once she did.

She manages to maneuver her gown around without looking too awkward to get her phone. She can't help the smile that starts to spread when she reads Petunia's name on her screen.

_**Petunia: Stop looking at me**_

_**Petunia: It's not your best angle **_

Lily tilts her head to the side, trying not to look too obviously like she's reading at a screen instead of paying attention. The principal sits down for Ms. McGonagall, their class advisor, to stand and say a few words.

_Lily: Stop texting me_

_Lily: I'm busy 3_

_**Petunia: God, it's all about you, isn't it? **_

_**Petunia: Good luck with your speech **_

She laughs, causing the girl sitting next to her to look over. Shrugging apologetically, Lily presses the phone to the side of her leg to hide it in the extra fabric of her gown. The ceremony continues, moving ever closer to the moment when they're going to ask her to stand behind the podium and say what she can.

Is Remus this nervous? Does he feel like he's possibly going to throw up? If she throws up at her graduation speech, she reasons, at least they won't be talking about her fake relationship anymore.

Her phone buzzes again, causing her to jump. She wonders if it's Petunia again, telling her not to frown so much or she'll get wrinkles. When she looks down, though, it's not Petunia at all.

_**James: I'm so bored, Evans. **_

_**James: Entertain me!**_

If he isn't entertained in a few minutes, she doesn't know what _could_ entertain him.

_Lily: Patience, Potter_

_Lily: Maybe someday I'll blow us all away_

It doesn't escape her that the _Hamilton _line she's quoting happens before something pretty tragic in the show. This can go very well… or be a complete disaster.

With how everything has been going the past few months, she isn't sure which way this one will swing. Which is another worry. She likes predictability.

Her phone buzzes again.

_**James: My leg won't stop bouncing **_

_**James: I can practically hear you fussing at me to stop **_

_**James: It's almost time for your speech! **_

_**James: If Minnie ever stops rambling **_

_**James: Oh god. Remember that time I fell asleep in her class?**_

It takes James' text for her to notice that her leg has been bouncing as well. The moment she stands, everyone is going to know that she's nervous. They're going to see through her and -

_No,_ she tells herself.

Mary believes in her and has since the moment they met. Her mother's tears in the car showed that she believes in her. Remus approved her draft speech and didn't want to share the stage with anyone else.

After everything that's happened, Sirius believes in her. There's Benjy, sitting beside her and giving her a thumbs up for support. Mr. and Mrs. Potter, who have always been kind to her and made sure that she felt welcome in their home.

Even Petunia believes in her.

And, Lily thinks as she clutches her phone, James believes in her. He believes in her even when she can't imagine believing in herself. From daring herself to go down the slide when they were kids to submitting her college applications, he's believed in her.

The least she can do is try to believe in them.

Ms. McGonagall turns toward the graduating class and holds out her hand. She announces Lily as the salutatorian and takes a step back for Lily to take her place.

_Lily to James 3: This is for you_

She hits send and leaves the phone on her seat. When she stands, Benjy gives a spirited whoop that Mary echoes from the middle section.

Lily keeps her attention narrowly focused on the stairs up to the stage and putting one foot in front of the other. Setting her wrinkled notes on the podium, she takes a deep breath and opens her eyes to see the crowd.

She picks out her mother, who is dabbing her eyes with a tissue. Petunia holds the camera up to take a few pictures before handing it to Vernon. Lily sees her sister urge him to take them for her while Petunia leans forward to listen.

"Thank you," Lily starts, the microphone slightly distorting her voice, "to all the teachers, administrators, friends, and family who made this day possible. Thank you most of all to my fellow seniors, our graduating class."

The beginning of her speech is easier than she imagined. Lily knows the words, so she hardly has to look down at her notes. Instead, she smooths her fingers over the paper to keep herself grounded. The hours of deliberating over word choice and flow fade away when she makes it through each sentence.

With another deep breath, she takes a pause and flips over her page.

"Like so many of us, I've been asked what comes next. And like so many of us, I've had a plan of what that answer might be for the past four years. The scariest thing for me was to say, 'I don't know.'

"Our whole lives," she continues, "we're asked, 'What do you want to be when you grow up?' When someone asks you that, they're looking for an answer, even if they don't believe it will ever come true. My answer to that has always been something I _could _achieve, as long as I worked hard and had some luck on my side. I wasn't a girl who talked about being a witch or a princess or saving the world with my magic. I wanted to save the world one person at a time, and I had a concrete path to get there. I wanted to be practical about my dreams."

She doesn't need to look at her notes. It will all be better if it comes from her heart.

"But this semester and these past few weeks, I've started to be more comfortable with doing something else. I've started to see 'I don't know' as an opportunity instead of a risk. I've slowly come around to the idea that I don't need to know everything to know that things are going to be okay. That uncertainty comes when we're on the edge of something great."

Lily turns her head to look at the rest of the seniors. She lets them appear as a mass of caps and gowns, rather than picking anyone out of the crowd. To keep her nerve, she can't know how individual people are reacting. She has to know if they approve of her message overall.

"My fellow graduates, let's embrace uncertainty. Let's do things that are scary precisely _because _they are scary. Let's figure out what we know and then use it to do something we couldn't even imagine."

Now, she lets her gaze focus on one person in the crowd. Her heart thumps loudly in her ears, but she doesn't let herself drop her gaze.

Lily takes a somewhat shaky breath and adds, "I want to embrace that uncertainty. With you. If you'll let me."

She says it into the microphone and to the whole class, but Lily only has eyes for one person. Somehow, his cap hasn't fallen off, though his hair is, if possible, even messier than when the ceremony started.

Everyone around James disappears, but she doesn't let herself interpret his expression until he gets a chance to tell her himself. She's not going to let another misunderstanding get in their way. She's not going to let her mind spin a tale that knocks them off balance. They've come too far not to be honest.

"Congratulations, class," Lily says after what feels like a long pause. "We did it."

* * *

"Excuse me! Sorry, can I get by? Hey! Will you get out of my way?"

James is weaving through a group of several hundred people, trying to find one graduate in particular. He knows he's likely knocked a few of his classmates over in the process, but he has to get to Lily as soon as he can.

It seems like an eternity has passed since she gave her speech.

He hadn't realized how many seniors were in their class until he had to wait for each individual one to receive their diploma before he could even get a chance to see or talk to her.

Not to mention the god awful song they have to walk in and out to that went on forever. Years of playing football and basketball don't exactly do well to prepare someone like James for walking a good distance patiently. He nearly broke out into a sprint but caught his mother snapping her fingers at him to not even chance it.

But he has never been one for patience.

Especially when it comes to Lily.

Her speech had been for him. He _knows _it was for him.

But he needs to hear it from her personally and not only in front of a giant crowd of people listening. He needs to know exactly how she feels so he doesn't get his hopes so high up they won't come down.

He needs to find her.

"Hey! Where are you going?" Sirius calls as James runs by him. "We're supposed to meet Mamma Mia this way!"

"I'm not meeting Mom and Dad! At least, not yet!" he shouts back, never once stopping. "I'm going to find Lily!"

Sirius' bark-like laugh seems smaller and farther away, but it finds him. "Good luck, lover boy!"

Luck, it seems, is what he's going to need right now to find her. Honestly, how hard is it to find a redhead in a sea of people? Is his Lily-radar not working? He _always _seems to know where she is.

She wouldn't have already gone out to meet her mom and sister, would she? Surely not without finding him first.

She wouldn't have. Lily _always _waits for him. Just as he always waits for her.

She is here somewhere.

She's…

"James!"

… right behind him.

Of course she's been right behind him, looking for him, and he didn't notice. He's never one for looking back.

He turns, seeing her running toward him. For a moment, all he can do is stare at her. He's forgotten how to speak.

She comes to a stop in front of him, breathless and grinning. Somewhere between the stage and standing in front of him, her cap became a little crooked, the tassel swinging by her cheek. Years of knowing every expression of hers reveal the faint signs of worry around her eyes that others might miss. She's standing tall with her chin up, projecting an air of confidence, even though he knows something is making her a little unsure.

Time stands still for a moment.

"James," Lily says, still sounding like she's trying to catch her breath. "I was looking for you."

"I've been looking everywhere for you too." Her voice brings his own back, and each word sounds rushed. "Lily, your speech. I need you to tell me what your speech was about right now. I need to hear it from you, so that I don't get any ideas in my head that shouldn't be there."

He won't let himself believe it until she spells it out herself. They don't have room for misunderstandings or hidden feelings anymore.

"It was about you," she says in a rush. Lily brushes back her tassel but it swings back into place. "The past few days have been… a lot. I've talked to people about things. About us. It made me realize that I want..."

"What, Lily? You want what?"

"I want this," she replies, gesturing between them. There's something a little frantic in her movements, like she's bursting with her new decision. "I want us. I want _you_."

It's everything he's wanted to hear, broken down in the simplest of terms. Even he, the boy who runs wild with thoughts and imagination, cannot misconstrue them.

She wants _him_.

Him.

James.

The girl who has lived next door to him his whole life, the girl who was his childhood best friend, the girl he's been in love with since forever, _wants him. _

He can see the bravery and courage in her eyes, the strength it took for her to take that risk. She's looking at him like a girl in love. Like a girl fully plunged into the depths of it, as if she's been baptized, the way he has been since he was old enough to remember.

She's different and the same. She's _more, _this Lily looking back at him. A swell of pride fills his chest when he realizes it's her love for _him _that's making her look this way. That love is what is driving the fierceness behind her eyes.

She's waiting on him to say something.

_Anything. _

Words fail him at this moment. There's nothing he could say that would do any of this justice. Nothing that she hasn't already expressed in her speech. His own words would be put to shame next to hers.

So, instead, he doesn't need words.

He kisses her.

He grabs her by the waist with one hand and keeps the other on his cap. He will be _damned _before he lets another fancy excuse for a hat ruin another moment between them.

Lily responds right away, pressing herself against him. Her fingers catch in his hair, pulling him closer and rising onto her toes. Their bodies curve with each other. They fit together like he thought they would.

This isn't the first time they've kissed by far, but it feels new.

It's _real._

_They're _real.

Like most things, he jumps in without so much as a moment to take a breath of air first. He has to pull away far sooner than he'd like when his head starts to spin from lack of oxygen.

Or maybe it's spinning because of Lily.

It's just as well, he thinks, placing a smaller kiss to her lips before pulling back to grin at her. They ought to do _some _talking, after all.

"That was… Wow," he says, hand still on her hip. Her hands sink down to rest on his shoulders. "The speech. The kiss. Everything. It's all… Wow."

"Yeah. Wow," Lily agrees, still smiling. "I'm glad you liked it. I was so nervous, but…" She shakes her head, cap swaying precariously. "I'm sorry it took me a little longer to get here. But I want to try _this_. Be us. With you. I want it to be _real_."

"Well, I guess there's just one thing left for me to ask you then."

"What's that?"

James grins. He can't help it.

"Go out with me, Evans?"


	22. Epilogue: Lover

**A/N: We were going to wait a week to post, but just couldn't. We've had so much fun working on this story together that we're almost sad it's over! We hope you've enjoyed it just as much as we have! **

**We have a few other co-writing projects planned, so follow us on here if you're interested in seeing what they are ;)**

**Thank you to each and everyone of you that took the time to read and comment on this story! We love you more than you could ever know! **

**Epilogue: Lover**

"_Can I go where you go? Can we always be this close?"_

Like her son, Euphemia Potter never does anything halfway.

Somehow, even after eighteen years of living next door, Lily still sometimes forgets it. When James' mother invited Lily and her family to their house the night before they are set to move into college, she believed that it would be the small dinner his mother described.

She even brought the last grape Capri Sun in her fridge with her as a treat for James.

After all these years, Lily shouldn't have been as surprised as she was when their 'little get together' turned into a proper goodbye party.

Luckily, she changed clothes at the last minute before going over to their house. Her graduation dress is better suited to dinner at the Potters than the oversize t-shirt and shorts she wore to pack anyway. Euphemia took enough photos for Lily to be thankful that her sister dragged her to a store for something new.

She'd never be able to live it down if the last pre-college photos with all of her friends weren't even cute because of her outfit.

In addition to the party, she also shouldn't have been surprised when Euphemia thought of everything. Christmas Eve should have taught her that any day was a special occasion when Euphemia had a chance to party plan.

All of the decorations were in their university's colors. Euphemia and Fleamont opened the door together and were both wearing proud mom and dad shirts with matching grins. At the beginning of the night, when they were just barely through the front door, Euphemia had even handed a wrapped package to Lily's mother so she would match.

Though she acted embarrassed, Lily was secretly a little pleased to see the three of them attempting to take selfies with their shirts.

James would definitely have to get her a copy of that picture for her dorm room.

Their friends, all except Mary, lingered by the punch bowl. She stood by the door, immediately jumping Lily and nearly knocking her over. She chatted excitedly and made James swear to remind Lily to call while they were apart.

Not that Lily would ever need a reminder when it came to calling Mary.

There was enough food and music and laughter to celebrate and distract them. They had another night to be together and try to ignore the fact that they would be hours apart fairly soon. They could tell jokes and act like silly teenagers before they started having to do their own laundry and live somewhat on their own.

A few hours passed quickly.

Before Lily knows it, Mary is standing with her by the door, not wanting to leave. Nearly everyone else has already gone. Letting Mary go home, though, is admitting that Lily needs to go back to her room and finish packing so they could load everything into James' car the next morning.

Letting Mary go is realizing that they're going to two different schools for the first time in four years.

She isn't ready to lose her best friend just yet.

"I'll text you," Lily swears, holding tightly onto Mary's hands. "Every day. So much that you get sick of me and tell me to study more."

"That's not possible," says Mary, looking very near tears. She tries to cover them with a smile, but it quivers. "I would be the last person on earth to tell you to study more."

"Excuse me?" Sirius calls from somewhere in the next room.

"Well," admits Mary with a half shrug, "second to last, at least."

Mary's barely contained tears are enough to make Lily feel like she's about to do the same. She's been within the range of tears for most of the week. Now, it seems more likely than ever that they're really going to happen. "I'm going to miss you so much," she says, her voice thick. "How am I going to do this without you?"

"How am _I _going to do this without _you? _You were my first real friend here! And now we're being separated for the first time since we were freshmen. What if I don't remember how to even make friends?"

"I'll be your friend, Macdonald!" Sirius shouts again from the other side of the room.

Someone near him lets out a sigh. Remus, apparently, when his voice follows it. "Why don't we help Mia with the kitchen?"

Lily hears a "hey!" from Sirius that indicates that Remus probably pulled him out of the room to give them some privacy.

"Everyone is going to love you, Mary," Lily says. "You'll make so many friends that you'll need my daily texts to remind you that I exist."

"Not true," says Mary, shaking her head. "I'll be thinking of you constantly."

The moment hangs between them, neither girl willing to let go of the other. This is the hardest goodbye for Lily. The one she has been trying so hard not to think about and attempting to put off, but time is fickle. It ticks on, whether they're ready or not. Now, it presents itself in the form of the front door opening. Benjy and James step inside.

"Hey, babe," James says, giving Lily peck on the top of the head and moving to stand beside her, where he's always belonged.

"The car is ready to go, Mar," Benjy says softly. He gives Mary a kind smile, but she only glances at it for a moment. "It was a tight squeeze, but James and I got everything in. We should probably head out."

His words seem to undo Mary, tears escaping down her cheeks. "Oh, Lily! Promise me that we'll text everyday. Every. Single. Day. And we'll FaceTime at least twice a week."

"Every single day. So much that your roommate hates me," Lily vows. She hugs Mary tightly because it's her last chance until Christmas.

And she doesn't want her best friend to see her cry. This goodbye is hard enough already.

Finally, feeling like part of her heart is leaving with her, Lily lets go.

She sniffles inelegantly. "Show them all why you're so amazing. Why I have the greatest best friend in the world."

"You do the same," Mary says, swiping at her eyes. For as long as it took them to say goodbye, once she has to go, Mary leaves quickly. Lily knows her best friend, and she knows she's doing the same thing as her. They're both waiting until they're out of sight from one another before dissolving completely into tears.

"Thanks for the help, man," Benjy says to James. He holds out his fist, and James meets it with his own.

"Sure thing, Benjy," James says. "Keep in touch, okay?"

"Of course," Benjy agrees. "I better go check on her. Get her to college." He looks at Lily. "She'll be fine. I'll have her text you when we get there."

Lily nods because she doesn't trust herself to talk.

They both already promised to keep each other updated with live texts of their journeys to school. Mary understands that she couldn't put their entire friendship into one goodbye. She hugs herself and watches the door for a few extra seconds when Benjy closes it quietly.

It's only goodbye for now, but she's never spent more than a week without Mary since they met. Is she going to keep being Lily without her best friend?

When she hears the car pull out of the driveway, a sob catches in her throat.

"Oh boy," says James, quickly opening his arms to her. "C'mere, Evans. It's okay."

Lily doesn't need to be told twice. She turns away from the door to wrap her arms around him and bury her face against his neck. James' arms are possibly her favorite place in the world.

At least he's coming with her.

"I know it's silly," she says, sniffling again. "Once we get there, I'll be busy and meet some other people, but…"

"It's not silly at all," he says, his chin resting on the top of her head. "There's nothing silly about missing your best friend."

"Yeah," Sirius calls out again from somewhere in the house_. _Lily isn't sure where he is anymore. It's like he materializes whenever he has a smart remark. "James has been a mess over me for weeks!"

James sighs, her arms rising and falling with his shoulders as he does. "I _am _going to miss him, but sometimes I want to give him away."

"I'm going to miss him too," Lily says, laughing weakly. She rubs her eye and looks up at him, even though she can feel the drying tear track on her cheek. "I'll miss living next to you too. Seeing you every morning. Across campus is so _far_."

"It's not that far," he says, placing a kiss on the tip of her nose. "You're always welcome to stay in the dorm with me. You know, if it gets to be too much on you."

"I think they're called _residence halls_," she says, echoing a phrase from their orientation. Her chest feels a little lighter. James has a way of making that happen. "Will you make me wake up early to go for a run if I stay with you?"

"Of course not. You can stay in bed and I'll wake you when I get back."

She almost laughs. "Sounds perfect."

Lily rises onto her toes. She knows exactly how tall she needs to be to kiss him properly. Naturally, his hands find their place on her waist. Their kisses are a rush of familiarity and love that still knock her off her feet.

It's been nearly two months, and she can't imagine getting tired of this.

Maybe every kiss isn't brand new, but this is better. The little pecks when they're hardly thinking about it, the soft kisses when they have to say goodbye for the night, the intense kisses when they get a chance to sneak away for a few minutes alone - she loves them all.

The easy way they lean into each other and aren't shy about their affection warms her heart. The way he sometimes knows exactly what she needs and how he listens when he isn't sure tells her that he's there for her. She doesn't wonder if James loves her or wants the same things she does.

She _knows_ he does.

"I love you," he says, confirming it for her.

"I love you too."

She answers quietly because they don't need to put on a show for anyone else. The words are only for him.

Lily hears the tell-tale sound of a cell phone camera. She looks over his shoulder to see Euphemia lowering her phone with an apologetic smile. "It's my last day before you go," she offers. "I couldn't resist."

"_Mom," _groans James. "There'll be plenty of time for pictures tomorrow. Besides, we're only three hours away. You can easily make that drive if you miss us that much."

"I'll hold you to that," his mother says, tucking away her phone. "Remember that when we come for Homecoming."

"Where are we going?" Fleamont adds, walking into the room.

"Nowhere," answers James. His hold on Lily relaxes so that she's able to turn to face the Potters, her back against his chest. "Not if mom doesn't stop threatening me."

"Me visiting is not a threat," says Euphemia. "But I can make it one."

Fleamont laughs. "You both are so dramatic. Are you going to be able to handle his antics at college alone, Lily? No me, no Sirius or Remus. There won't be any buffer."

"Excuse me -"

"I have some practice," she says, tilting her head back to see James. "I think I can manage it. As long as he can handle my inevitable panicking about getting lost on the first day or failing a test or…"

"I've had practice in all of those areas too," James says, cutting her off. "I've practically majored in it. It's going to be fine. Besides, I'm the one who is directionally challenged. I'm more concerned about calling you in the middle of class because I've ended up two towns over or something."

Euphemia nods. "It's true. God knows he couldn't figure his way out of my birth canal -"

"_Mom!"_

"We'll keep each other on track," Lily assures them. "I'll make sure he studies, and he'll make sure I leave the library… sometimes."

"It's a nearly impossible task, but I'm up for the challenge."

Euphemia looks between them, a soft smile gracing her aging features. Lily wonders what she sees when she looks at them. Something she approves of, she thinks, if the warmth in her eyes is any indication. "Come on, Fleamont. Let's go clean up the kitchen and give these kids a moment alone."

She reaches her hand out expectantly for him. He takes it without hesitation, and Lily has the sudden thought that is exactly what she wants in life. The simplicity and consistency of a hand forever in hers. The ability to reach out in any given circumstance and have one reach back for her.

As if he can read her mind, James' hand slips into her own when his parents leave. His thumb runs its now familiar course over her knuckles. "Are you ready for tomorrow?" he asks. "Ready to make the switch from Prom Queen Lily to College Lily?"

"Prom Queen Lily never _really _fit," she says, turning around again to face him. "College Lily probably looks a little bit more like me. Petunia took me shopping for a whole new wardrobe and everything. We just have to buy sweatshirts on the first day to complete the look." She loops her arms around his shoulders. "Are you ready for College James?"

"College James sounds like someone I don't even know," he says, though he doesn't say it like it's a bad thing. Not like he's having an identity crisis. More like it's an adventure. His hands find her waist again. "Do you think you'll like College James? What if he's even _more _handsome and charming than Middle School and High School James?"

"Well, College James never tried to make me jump out of the treehouse," she counters.

James rolls his eyes. "Honestly, that was _one time _with the treehouse. You're never going to let me live that down. College James would never do that."

"What _would _he do then? Sweep me off my feet? Distract me from my studies?"

"Maybe," he says, grinning. He lowers his mouth so it's only inches away from hers. "Would College Lily let him?"

"Probably," she replies. "Prom Queen Lily fell for High School James. Did you know I got a B on that gov essay from our study date?"

"Ah, shame, Evans." His nose is nuzzling hers now. "You can do better than that. Maybe we'll have to study more."

Lily grins, forcing herself to stay on flat feet and keep her mouth near his without actually kissing him. "We both have to make the Dean's List or my mom will accuse me of spending too much time with my boyfriend."

"Hmm," he hums, sounding somewhere between thrilled and tortured with the game of teasing they have going. "High expectations run in the Evans family, I see?"

"They're related to me, aren't they?"

He laughs, and she can't believe it's a sound she gets to hear everyday now. A sound she only heard from afar during those four years. It's a victory every time she manages it. She wants to do everything she can to make him laugh to make up for their lost time.

"You're something else," he tells her. "You know that?"

"As long as I'm something good. Are _you _ready for tomorrow?"

"Evans, as long as I'm with you, I'm ready for anything."

"Me too," Lily answers, believing it herself. She rises onto her toes so kissing him is inevitable. "As long as I'm with you."


End file.
